arizona humor The speed of ight and other quetionable jokes

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, or the distance a baby can crawl when you turn your back.



Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" --Rodney Dangerfield

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

Did you hear the one about the young woman with the hourglass figure?

Unfortunately, time marches on.

Rodney Dangerfield - in memory

My daughter failed her driver’s test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My family never bought a pumpkin - they made me stand in the window."

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

My kid drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school, He won't tell me where it is."

We had Army friends with whom we were stationed at Fort Bragg, in Newport, Rhode Island at the Navy War College, and again in Israel. They had a lovely little black and white spaniel named Bootsie who was very ladylike and well behaved.

Tom managed somehow to teach her this trick, and no one ever figured out how it was done, because the terms used and the order in which they were given were never the same, so far as we could determine.

Tom would hold a dog treat or piece of food so that it was visible to Bootsie and say, "Here, Bootsie -- Navy chow." Bootsie would turn up her nose. "C'mon girl, Marine chow." Again, up with the nose. "Bootsie -- Air Force chow." Up went her nose. "Here, Bootsie -- Coast Guard chow." Of course, Bootsie was unimpressed. "Okay, Bootsie -- Army chow." Bootsie would come running, take the treat and wolf it down.

The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display.

Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note which read:

Maine cherries are black.

There's a sucker born every minute...

Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)

FOUR BONES

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."



A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license."

The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason."



"The election is winding down. About the only thing left is the last-minute tinkering with the voting machines in Florida, and we’re ready to go." -David Letterman

"You know what’s fascinating about this, you’ve got Bill Bennett gambling, Rush Limbaugh on drugs, and Bill O’Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Apparently being conservative is a lot more fun than it used to be." -Jay Leno

"The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race."

Don Marquis (1878 - 1937)

Retirement is when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better.

The wife also comes up with a theory - that all pills do NOT come in bottles.

Today's useless fact - What are the origins of tarot?

We turned to the Lukol Tarot category and after checking several links learned this:

Tarot's origins are perhaps as misunderstood as the mystical symbols on the cards themselves. The promotional images and text on some of these divination decks claim ancient Egyptian origins or gypsy ancestry. But most serious sources say the roots of these symbolic cards can be traced to traditional playing cards. The predecessors of the playing cards we use today first migrated to Europe from Islamic countries around the 14th century. The suits used on these early cards were coins, cups, swords, and sticks. These suits are still used in the tarot deck but were changed to hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades by French cardmakers in the 15th century. The earliest deck of tarot cards was a hand-painted set created around 1440 for the Duke of Milan. They were used for a game similar to bridge and to create amusing poetry.

It wasn't until the 1700s that tarot cards became strongly connected to fortune telling or the occult. The writings of Antoine Court de Gebelin in 1781 were hugely influential on the image of the tarot deck. An amateur scholar, Gebelin suggested that the pictures on the tarot deck were related to occult Egyptian hieroglyphics. While the Rosetta Stone later proved him wrong, the idea stuck, and other occult writers and tarot-card artists expanded on Gebelin's Egyptian interpretation.

Tarot divination gained in popularity during the 19th century, probably spurred on by a growing interest in all types of spiritualism. The Waite-Smith tarot deck, created in 1909, is often considered the "standard" deck, although the symbols are more a product of the late Victorian age than the Italian Renaissance (much less ancient Egypt). These days, you can find a tarot deck in any style or theme conceivable. We'll leave the mystical interpretations up to you.



In Response to: "I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

Marcus Brigstocke

DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE


Received from: Ollie { Readers' Rating: -17.24% } { Total votes: 29 }
Q: When may a chair be said to dislike you?

A: When it cannot bear you.

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