arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 11-06-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 11-06-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Tonight (Sunday), many American homes will be visited by some of the
most frightening creatures imaginable... and after the campaign workers
leave, the trick-or-treaters will be coming by. (Jake Novak)

I'm so old that I can remember when a spinster was a woman who didn't
marry, not someone who handles a political candidate. (Renee from Napa)

Election Night 2004 served up one of the biggest surprises in American
political history as CBS News declared former Vice President Al Gore
the winner shortly after 10:00 PM. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush' s re-election thanks to religious voters is actually
helping to unite the country after all. That's because with four more
years of Bush on the way, now all the liberals are praying for
salvation too. (Jake Novak)

ANNOUNCER: "Hey, Barack Obama! You've just won your senate race by a
landslide and are a new rising star for the Democrats! How do you feel?
OBAMA: "Lonely." (Jake Novak)

Democrats expressed shock that the high voter turnout favored President
Bush. The number-one reason people said in exit polls that they voted
for him was moral values. Bill Clinton made one week of campaign
appearances and cost John Kerry the election. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * WEAK'S COMIC STRIPS

Kids to parents: "Can we stay up to see who gets voted off?" (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

"The polls here have closed, Ma'am. It's too late to vote." "Oh, I
voted at six O'clock this morning. But I've changed my mind." "It's too
late for that , too." Caption: "Rose Gumbo Champion of the Undecided."
(Rose Is Rose: Brady & Wimmer)

"You've reached the register of voters. Listen to all options, To
request an absentee ballot, press one. If you ordered but haven't
received your absentee ballot, press two. If you haven't received your
absentee ballot and you're black, press three. Also press three if
you're a Muslim, college student, Jewish or in the National Guard."
"Black on phone< "Somethings fishy here." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

"Tomorrow's the election, Winston. Americans will head into the voting
booth. There, they'll cast their ballots. After that, its all up to the
attorneys." (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

Student asks teacher: "The citizens vote on the first Tuesday in
November, but when does the Supreme Court appoint the winner?"
(Bizarro: Dan Piraro)

Sign at U. S. Army Recruiting Station: "This month's special: Free
Rose-colored glasses!" (Non Sequitur: Wiley)

"Well, folks. Chase and I are just back from our local polling place
where we were assailed by gangs of blue and red litigators. I've got a
sinking feeling we'll be fighting this one through Christmas. It almost
makes one long for Richard Nixon, who decided not to contest the '60
election because he felt it would tear the country apart." "Nixon was
soft." "Well, of course he was." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"Thank goodness the election is finally over! We can all relax for at
least three years… Awwwww!" Signs all over: "Jeb '08" "Hillery 2008"
(Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

IN THE NEWS * ELECTION * BEFORE

Uncle Sam opening a can labeled "Election '04" is rushed from all sides
by cats labeled lawyers. (Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Fat lady in Isolde costume labeled "Electoral College" singing
surrounded by Republican and Democratic lawyers. Caption: "It ain't
over until the fat lady sings… and even then, it may not be over."
(David Horsey, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

Election day is finally here. The total media obsession with the
campaign has been great practice for when the Michael Jackson trial
finally starts. (Jake Novak)

18 to 24 year old voters could make the difference if they show up to
vote today. The best way to explain the process to them is to say that
the election is like "American Idol," but the winner actually has no
real talent... oh wait, it's EXACTLY like "American Idol." (Jake Novak)

Americans head to the polls on Tuesday. It’s the ultimate exercise in
democracy. Voters get the chance to throw the bums out and replace them
with different bums. (Alan Ray)

The huge voter turnout is causing a lot of confusion across the
country, especially in New York where all the long lines have many
voters thinking they've accidentally gone to the DMV. (Jake Novak)

Don't let men vote for five years. The women will straighten out this
country.. (Renee from Napa)

Elephant in dress of hockey goalie with pads and stick in front of
ballot box retarding minority voter trying to vote, "Relax, I.m only
here to prevent voter fraud." (Drew Sheneman, The Newark Star Ledger)

After the 2000 election fiasco, all the TV networks are instituting new
rules for calling the winners in each race. For the Presidential
election, they will only call a winner until all the polls have closed
in each state. For the governor's races, they will only call a winner
when exit polls show a clear leader. And in the senate race in
Illinois, the networks are being especially nice as they promise not to
declare Barack Obama the winner until after Alan Keyes gets a chance to
cast his vote this morning. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * ELECTION * AFTER

It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a
Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this
election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that
we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the
same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching,
and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to
bring us this? (Jon Stewart)

Monday: As cities burn around the country, people furious that the
Electoral College has once again – I'm sorry, I'm reading Wednesday's
headlines. (Jon Stewart)

Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme
Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes,
an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the
get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be.
Yeah, suck on that Scalia! (Rob Corddry)

If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it's probably your last
night to do those things… Personally I'll be killing two birds with one
stone. (Ed Helms)

The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One:
finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places.
(Ed Helms)

No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders
agree, whatever it is, it's safe to assume he'll be ineffective. (Jon
Stewart)

In light of the poor showing of the critically important 18 to 29 year
old group at the polls yesterday, Democrats and John Kerry was calling
for America's youth to be "totally grounded." I'm not blaming them for
my loss," said Kerry. "But I am taking away their car keys. `(Tom
Burka)

A quick reminder to people in Ohio, the crooked voting machines are due
back to Florida by Friday. (David Letterman)

President Bush beat John Kerry by several million votes Tuesday.
Republicans increased their majority in the House and Senate. If it had
gone any worse for the Democrats, Martin Sheen would have been replaced
on The West Wing by Toby Keith. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush got twelve percent of the Hispanic vote in California
and thirty-two percent of the Hispanic vote in Texas. He got sixty-five
percent of the Hispanic vote in Florida. If he just keeps going east,
he will eventually be elected King of Spain. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry barely lost in Missouri Tuesday after he virtually conceded
the state to Bush three weeks ago. Bad idea. It was the biggest mistake
since Bob Dole volunteered for the Viagra test group eight years ago
thinking it would help him to achieve an election. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry supporters stood in the rain for seven hours waiting to hear
from him Tuesday. It never happened. John Kerry refused to concede
defeat but Hillary Clinton came to the microphone and thanked everybody
for getting out of her way. (Argus Hamilton)

Conservatives are very happy about the Bush victory. When Bill O'Reilly
heard about it, he said, I haven't been as excited as this since, well,
you know." --Conan O'Brien

It looks like people are giving Bush and Cheney four more years. The
bad news, Cheney's doctors are only giving him two more years. (Jay
Leno)

Now that he's proved his point by winning a clear re-election victory,
President Bush can finally do what he's wanted to do all along... he's
quitting. (Jake Novak)

Well, I guess we've got four more years to capture bin Laden. No hurry
now. (Jay Leno)

In NBC's brilliant election coverage, a giant map of the United States
was on the ice rink in Rockefeller Plaza. The states were painted red
when President Bush won a state, blue when Kerry won a state, and
yellow when Tim Russert had to relieve himself. (Conan O'Brien)

"It all came down to one state. Political experts say that this year's
Florida is Ohio. As a result, this year's spring break is expected to
suck. (Conan O'Brien)

The clear margin of victory and the lack of voting problems in Florida
was good news for most of the nation, except for thousands of elderly
couples in Ft. Lauderdale who can forget getting an extra phone call
from their grandchildren this week. (Jake Novak)

Tom Brokaw interviewed John Kerry and President Bush and got both to
pledge to govern from the middle and bring America back together. Tell
that to both coasts. The election map looks like Firestone explaining
tread separation to a jury. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry gave a concession speech earlier and said that he wanted to
hug all of his supporters. Upon hearing this Ralph Nader said he was
able to hug all of his. (Conan O'Brien)

If you're still upset, here's something practical you can do: Take that
Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker off your car and replace it with one that
says, "I support President Bush: He won't hurt embryos, only Iraqis."
Then find a blue-collar conservative and hand him a T-shirt that reads,
"I ain't got no health insurance, but thanks to President Bush, I'm
insured against gay marriage." That should make you feel better.
(Melvin Dural)

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes
10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."
(David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

Bush reading newspaper with headline, "Massive Cache of Explosives in
Ira Lost": "More embarrassment, Rummy. What are we going to do?"
Rumsfeld: :Find more excuses: (Paul Szep)

I think it's kind of ironic that even though George W. Bush received a
man-date, he is still against gay marriage. (Joel Borden)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

Bill Clinton was dispatched by the Democrats to Las Vegas on Friday as
polls showed that Nevada was within grasp. The city owes him big time.
He gave Las Vegas the slogan, What Happens Here, Stays Here, after it
utterly failed in the Oval Office. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

The Gallup Poll said Friday the presidential race is too close to call.
This could take awhile. Tomorrow, Americans must decide if they want to
spend the next four years watching recounts with Judy Woodruff or Chris
Matthews or Brit Hume. (Argus Hamilton)

A new poll shows that people who like country music songs favor
President Bush over John Kerry by 61% to 39%. But people whose lives
sound like country music songs favor John Kerry by 75% to 25%. (Jake
Novak)

A new poll shows that people who live near a Wal-Mart favor President
Bush 55% to 45%. But people who work at Wal-Mart favor John Kerry by
80% to 20%. (Jake Novak)

A new poll shows that people who live near a Starbucks coffee shop
favor John Kerry by 54% to 46%. But people who think paying $8 for a
cup of Starbucks coffee is okay favor President Bush 65% to 35%. (Jake
Novak)

According to a new Democratic poll released today, 50 percent of Vice
President Cheney's daughters are still gay. (Amy Poehler)

IN THE NEWS • THE STATES

Two federal judges in Ohio are barring Republican campaign workers from
showing up to challenge and harass voters at polling places. Not
because of any constitutional issues, it's just that the TV crews and
the exit pollsters already called "first dibs" on challenging and
harassing the voters. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

A military draft: Republicans' idea of creating a lot of jobs (Renee
from Napa)

After meeting with his wife, Suha, witnesses say Yasser Arafat still
seemed confused and incoherent. But experts say Arafat always acts that
way when he's around someone he really doesn't know. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * OSAMA BIN LADEN

Osama bin Laden lashed out at American broadcast networks for failing
to air the final sentence of his tape last Friday, which was: “I’m
Osama bin Laden, and I approve this message. (Andy Borowitz)

Osama bin Laden now says his group's goal is to force America into
bankruptcy. Too bad Osama... Enron, Tyco, and all the tech stocks beat
you too it a long time ago. (Jake Novak)

The October Surprise arrived in a video Friday with Osama bin Laden
taunting President Bush for reading My Pet Goat during the September
11th attacks. My Pet Goat is well-known among tribesmen in the Afghan
mountains. They call it Love Story. (Argus Hamilton)

In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden mocked President Bush for
continuing to read a children's book to pre-schoolers for several
minutes after he learned of the September 11th attacks. That criticism
is prompting Mr. Bush to say he's more determined to catch bin Laden,
and it's prompting Michael Moore to say he's going to sue bin Laden for
stealing his ideas! (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some
people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to
influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work.
Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme
Court does. (Bill Maher)

Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that
neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need,
another undecided voter. (Bill Maher)

In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden insisted that the fate of
America was not in the hands of either President Bush or John Kerry.
So, even he knows this election is getting decided in the courts! (Jake
Novak)

Osama bin Laden surfaced in a new videotape Friday. He promises any
follower who kills an American will be greeted in paradise by
seventy-two virgins. One day in the distant future, the virgin waiting
for Osama bin Laden will be Janet Reno. (Argus Hamilton)

He really goes after the Bush crowd personally. He ridicules Bush for
reading 'My Pet Goat' during the attack, he compares the Bush family
dynasty to nepotistic Arab dictators, and then to really twist the
knife he just drops in out of nowhere that Dick Cheney's daughter is a
lesbo. (Bill Maher)

On the eve of Tuesday's election, a new videotape of Osama bin Laden
was aired on Al Jazeera. Bin Laden addresses the American people
directly in a way that can only be described as more optimistic than
Dick Cheney. (Tina Fey)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISTS

Despite some fears, there were no terrorist attacks at any voting
centers. Experts say the terrorists may have scouted out some polling
places, but were probably scared off by all the lawyers. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions,
and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So
to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House
responds: "Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance." (Stephen Colbert)

This has been a rough week for President Bush. First those explosives
went missing in Iraq. And then bin Laden resurfaces, and now Bush can't
get the radio in his back to stop playing Ashlee Simpson. (Bill Maher)

Everybody wants to know where those missing explosives are. President
Bush says John Kerry is denigrating the troops by asking where the
explosives are. I don't want to say Bush is slimy, but after he talks
to Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly takes a shower and just showers. (Bill
Maher)

.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

News just announced Arafat is very ill and that his wife lives in
France. If you looked like Arafat I bet your wife would live in France
also. (Gary Gorlick, MD)

After meeting with his wife, Suha, witnesses say Yasser Arafat still
seemed confused and incoherent. But experts say Arafat always acts that
way when he's around someone he really doesn't know. (Jake Novak)

Arafat on a stretcher being rushed into a Paris Emergency room: "I hope
they'll have some good Jewish doctors." (Signe Wilkinson)

President Bush said yesterday that his first reaction after hearing of
Yasser Arafat's imminent death was to say "God Bless his Soul."
Actually, his first reaction was to say: "I hope the new guy's name
won't be too hard to pronounce." (Jake Novak)

Two U.S. diplomats say Yasser Arafat really is dead, but no one will
declare him dead out of respect for Palestinian custom. But it's not
clear which custom they're talking about; the practice of burying
someone no more than 24 hours after a death, or the custom of carrying
out a revenge bombing no more than 12 hours after a death. (Jake
Novak)

IN THE NEWS * CRIME & THE COURTS

Even though the prosecution did a good job showing that Scott Peterson
murdered his wife, the jury has not yet delivered a verdict. Experts
say that's because some of the religious jurors are willing to ignore
all that because of Peterson's strong stand against gay marriage.
(Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

Osama bin Laden’s brother Yeslam has a new perfume. The U.S.
intelligence doesn’t know whether or not Osama wears it. They haven’t
been able to pick up his scent for quite some time.

Northwest Airlines is recalling 600 furloughed flight attendants. The
holiday rush is the reason. The company will need additional cabin crew
to ignore the passengers. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

I would say that any senior citizen who votes for Bush should have
their head examined, but I know they can't afford it with his health
care policies. (Renee from Napa)

Large grocery store chains are keeping track of customer purchases with
their club and reward cards. In fact, the other day, someone came to my
house with a computer printout to show me that I wasn't getting enough
vegetables. (Fred Barling)

The government has warned consumers not to buy or use Actra-Rx,
promoted as an erectile dysfunction treatment, Seems the
over-the-counter remedy for superficial bullet wounds was improperly
labelled. It should have read "For Projectile Dysfunction. (Jerry
Lerman)

A young Georgia girl has a rare disease where you don’t feel pain.
Doctors say they will measure her tolerance with the ultimate test.
Clay Aiken’s new CD. (Alan Ray)

The FDA warns the sexual enhancement drug Actra-Rx can lower blood
pressure to unsafe levels. This raises an important question among
males with erectile dysfunction. Who cares? (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys will ask voters in Arlington Tuesday for a sales tax
hike to build a new stadium. The team rookies went door-to-door in the
wealthy suburbs to seek votes. Sometimes the episodes of Desperate
Housewives just write themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL is looking in to sites for an LA franchise. League officials
expect it to cost over $400 million. All they could get for $300
million was a 1 bedroom. (Alan Ray)

The Red Sox had a big parade in Boston over the weekend to celebrate
their World Series victory. And they had a big ice sculpture of Ted
Williams - that actually turned out to be Ted Williams. (Jay Leno)

Junior Seau will miss the rest of the Miami Dolphins’ season because of
a torn pectoral muscle. He is not in any pain. After all, he gets to
miss the rest of the Miami Dolphins’ season. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

A 76-year-old game show producer has sued Dick Clark, who is 74, saying
Clark had called him a "dinosaur" and refused to hire him because he
was too old. 76 is an odd age -- you're too old to produce game shows,
and too young to marry Anna Nicole Smith. (Patrick M. Rhody)

Madonna opens up her new tour in L.A. next week complete with an
electric chair, simulated sex numbers, nearly naked pregnant women and
plenty of lesbian sex -- followed then by a reading of the Kabbalah.
(Jay Leno)

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves
Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a
ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)

Most Southerners are rejoicing this morning thanks to President Bush's
victory, but there is also sobering news that's shaking their society
to its very foundations; Dolly Parton is having breast reduction
surgery. (Jake Novak)

News that Dolly Parton is having breast reduction surgery is leading
some to believe that she could be starting a major trend. But experts
say President Bush's re-election victory proves big boobs will always
be popular in this country. (Jake Novak)

Did you hear about this? At a press conference, Jessica Simpson
defended her sister Ashlee’s lip-synching blunder on Saturday Night
Live but Jessica did admit she didn’t see the show because she didn’t
know what day it was on. (Jay Leno)

The independent film “Saw” is a surprise hit at the box office. Two
young men are terrorized by a sadist. They’re handcuffed to each other
and forced to watch Ben Affleck movies. (Alan Ray)

Sylvester Stallone will launch a fitness magazine. It’s a total
departure for the actor. A publication featuring complete sentences.
(Alan Ray)

Did you all have a good Halloween? I tell you I had a great Halloween,
last night I put on a brunette wig, carried a tape recorder and went
out as Ashlee Simpson. (Jay Leno)

Pixar's new movie "The Incredibles" is all about a hopelessly
overweight former super hero who comes out of retirement to save the
world. Democrats hope the film will serve as an inspiration for Bill
Clinton. (Jake Novak)

Rapper R Kelly is suing rapper Jay Z. Legal analysts agree it won’t go
to trial. The feud will most likely be settled out of court with an
undisclosed amount of bullets. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only
way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive
guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food
preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired
just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders
and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This
was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to
television. (Humor Express)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew
tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's
proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who
graduated from a decent Hebrew School. (Jacob Novak)

IN THE NEWS * OTHER

Flights were delayed for hours at LAX yesterday after a crazed naked
man sprinted onto the tarmac and attempted to climb into the wheel well
of a 747. Okay, which one of you wise guys told Howard Dean the
election results? (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Capital Steps: A George W. Bush retrospective:
http://www.capsteps.com/special/dubyafirstterm.html

Capital Steps: The 2004 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-0410.rm

Capital Steps: The 2000 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-0010.ra

Capital Steps: The 1996 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-9610.ra

The Bush Game: http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf

Monster Smash: http://www.monsterslash.org/

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode1.php

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode2.php

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode3.php






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