Date: Wed Jan 7, 2004 4:10am
Subject: eat without comsuming calories
We have found that with careful eating, it is possible to eat entire
(tasty!) meals without consuming a single calorie!
The following is a list of advice that is a composite of many such lists
to be found on the Internet.
1.. UNEVEN EDGES ~ Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges
or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away
to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities,
which have no calories when eaten.
2.. BALANCED FOOD ~ If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they
cancel each other out.
3.. LEFT-HANDED FOOD ~ If you have a glass of punch in your right hand,
anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are
at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a wedding
reception (see Food on Foot). Then there's the electronic field: A wet glass
in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories
attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but it's
reversible if you're left handed.
4.. Hot chocolate contains no calories on cold days - they float off in
5.. Chocolate which has melted and re-set contains no calories. They
rise to the surface of the fluid and stick to the wrapper.
6.. Butter doesn't contain any fat if spread on brown bread.
7.. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES: Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER
counts. This includes hot chocolate, malted milk, toast, and Sara Lee
8.. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, BUTTER: These all act as a poultice that
actually "draws out" the calories when placed on any food, leaving them
calorie-free. Afterward, you can eat the poultice, too, as all calories are
neutralized by it.
9.. Diet sodas actually remove the calories from fattening food.
10.. The salad on the side of your plate cancels out half the calories
from your meal. If you actually eat it it cancels out all the calories.
11.. Snacks consumed in a movie or a bowling alley or at a county fair
(or similar places) do not count, as they are part of the entertainment.
12.. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking
causes all the calories to leak out. ALTERNATE: Broken cookies contain no
calories as they leak out at the breaks.
13.. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the food.
14.. A bite off someone else's plate has no calories. (If you eat part
of someone else's cake, dessert, etc., all the calories stay in the main
body of the food. This is known as the peripheral principle.)
15.. Calories don't count if you eat with someone else and you both eat
the same food.
16.. Food licked off knives, forks, etc. doesn't count if you're in the
process of making something else, like a peanut butter sandwich or an ice
cream sundae. Similar, food eaten off off beaters (e.g., whipped cream)
serving spoons, cake knives, etc. also does not count - after all, you need
to taste what you cook to make sure it's all right.
17.. Food eaten "out of context" has no calories - for example, any food
eaten in a car, on airplanes, trains, etc.; food meant to be eaten hot that
you eat cold (e.g., lasagna); food meant to be eaten cold that you eat warm
(e.g., half-melted ice cream); food meant to be cooked that isn't (e.g.,
18.. Food eaten when no one sees you doesn't count.
19.. If you think hard about which item on the menu to have, the brain
power exerted cancels out 1/3 of the calories of the dish.
20.. It's all right to eat a littl
the food, but all recollections of having eaten it.
25.. Food on toothpicks: Sausage, mini-franks, cheese and crackers are
all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp
object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
26.. Children's food: Anything produced, purchased or intended for
minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide
range, beginning with a spoonful of baby-food custard, consumed for
demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send to
27.. Custom-made food: Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be
eaten regardless of calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and
insensitive. Our kind intentions will not go unrewarded!
28.. FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous
category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals,
and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in
front of the TV.
29.. Pickles count as green vegetables.
30.. The calories listed per serving on packages applies to YOUR serving
size, regardless of how big it is, as long as you eat it in one sitting.
31.. Eating ANYTHING with lettuce or celery in it actually BURNS
calories, regardless of what you put on it.
32.. Anything whipped or mashed has no calories - they've been beaten
out! (i.e. whipped cream, mashed potatoes, etc.)
33.. CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all
cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated
simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in
colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
34.. LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie,
anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens
to it in the kitchen.
35.. Eating anything with any fruit or vegetable in it makes you LOSE
weight. Anything flavored to taste like fruit products (natural or
artificial) falls under this rule, as well. Want Twinkies? Get the ones with
the strawberry swirls.
36.. Anything you finish off someone else's plate doesn't count as your
37.. Anything runny (like gravy or other sauces) can't hold on to the
calories - they all leak out!
38.. If you hold a flame (or any heat source) under food, all the
calories will be burned off.
39.. ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of.
For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
40.. If you shake your pop before opening it, 99% of the calories escape
into the atmosphere.
41.. The more you eat, the faster your metabolism goes, and the more
calories you'll burn, so you'll actually LOSE weight.
42.. Reward yourself for being "good" all day with a banana split! (also
low-cal because it has a banana in it!)