Funny Jokes

1.17.2004

Silicon Valley puntime

(Found floating on the 'Net - No author given)

Crisco. A person who got fried by buying Cisco at $80 a share.

Luddate. Someone you are going out with who does not understand the
valley's obsession with technology

Motherbored. In many homes, a technology discussion at dinner between
father and the kids.

Wus-band. Ex-husband.

Microsofa. A piece of furniture which, while it looked fine in the
showroom, gradually begins to dominate the living room, eventually
forcing you to replace all the other furniture, including the TV, to be
"compatible.''

Downloafing. Surfing the net when you should be working.

Flagulence. An outburst of flags, such as on Veterans Day.

Sellular. what wireless really means to the phone industry.


Phoenix, AZ


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1.16.2004

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

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An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be
married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been
in the family for several generations. The stone had never
been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that
instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's
finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a
glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her
jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed
it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next
table. "These Texas women are tough!"

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1.15.2004

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COOL SIGNS!


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
****************** ********

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."
************************ **

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence :
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
* *************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
************************* *

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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1.14.2004

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