Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

Sounds fishy...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my
boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a
week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue
silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a
good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and
asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
like I asked you to do?"

I did, they're in your tackle box.

The Silver Tray

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a
silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers
on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.'

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her
monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined
the tray carefully, shook his head and said, 'Lady, this
can only be done so many times!'

Household Handyman's Guide

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you
break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it
works, then it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine
tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to
the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a
twelve-year old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the
bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the
switch "on" ; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the
alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts
working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

GET READY FOR THE BIG MERGERS OF 2004...


Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies
that will merge. Here are merger predictions from Gary in New York,
who knows lots about these matters:


1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join
forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.