Funny Jokes

1.31.2004

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I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front- 60 is not old. On the back- If you're a tree.

I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.

At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring....I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furnitute.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies
at your funeral.

In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

BOMB SQUAD - If you see me running, try to keep up


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1.30.2004

The choir...

All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
They were singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a
red
apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance, and then approached
the
conductor. "I'm a retired Choir Director," he said. "This is one of
the best
choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they
called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

Are you ready for this?



(Better sit down.)





"They're CALLED the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

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1.28.2004

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What is a dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't
hear you when you are in the same room.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.



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Let it snow...

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One
winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of
the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the
street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again. The
radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park--," but then the power goes
out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

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SCROLL FOR THE CORRECT ANSWERS ...

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors
be buried?
2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard The Ark?
3. How many months have 28 days?
4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?
5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?
6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?
7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a
bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?
8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof, will the egg roll to the left side or to the
right side?
9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is
blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow?
0. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?

ANSWERS:

1. You don't bury survivors.
2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did.
3. All twelve of them.
4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods.
5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC.
6. One (spiraling) on each side.
7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white.
8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do.
9. Electric trains don't blow smoke.
10. The outside.

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1.27.2004

"A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else. He asked, 'How is your friend Mary?' She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. She was always complaining about not having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and given it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke. The daughter angrily fired back, 'That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?' The father slowly smiled and said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party'."
--Unattributed

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