Funny Jokes

2.06.2004

MAD WIFE

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for He asked? "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said.

"I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time knocking him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called!"

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Directions on how to be Left

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important that actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex-offender belong in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

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2.04.2004

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2.03.2004

Women's humor:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he

stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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2.01.2004

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