Funny Jokes

2.13.2004

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big,
stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all--NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those
Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there",
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he zips down, unburdens himself, and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really
decent of you. Is that 'British Hospitality'?"

"No", replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the
French Embassy."

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

2.12.2004

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise,
but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content

of different sexual activities. Now they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent............................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................8 Calories
With one hand...................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection............................3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.........................................12 Calories
69 lying down...................................78 Calories
69 standing up..................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style......................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier.............................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake............................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging...........................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years....................................124 Calories
50-59 years....................................1972 Calories
60-69 years....................................7916 Calories
70 and over....................................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.....................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.....................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door............13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

How come when you mix water and flour
together you get glue..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

2.09.2004

What trick is that?

'Oh, I sure am happy to see you,' the little boy said to
his grandmother on his dad's side. 'Now maybe mother will
do the trick she has been promising us.'

The grandmother was curious. 'What trick is that?' she
asked.

'I heard her tell daddy,' the little boy answered, 'that
she would climb the walls if you came to visit.'

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes