Funny Jokes

2.21.2004

Think you know English?

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

2.20.2004

Recipe for a good life...

Recipe for happiness

Feel like you're simmering on the stove of life?

Well, we've cooked up the perfect recipe for you. The best part is
that all the ingredients for a good life are easily within reach.

You'll need:
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have before you
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have before you
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have ("bad" included)

Mixing Instructions: Combine ingredients together gently and carefully.
Using faith and vision, mix together with strong belief of the outcome,
until finely blended. Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.
Repeat. Yields unlimited servings!


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You might be from Alaska if...

1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.

8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.

14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

17. You head south to go to your cottage.

18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.

20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

21. You find -60 F a little chilly.

22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.

26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.

28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.





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2.19.2004

Subject: The Pope and Bush

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac ... sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat(zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News NBC News, ABC News, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

"Bush Can't Swim."

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KIDS THINK FAST

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says,
"School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you
doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it
without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you
spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but
you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical
formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking
about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's
H to O!
____________
TEACHER: George, go to the map
and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class,
who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
_____________
TEACHER: Willie, name one
important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!
_____________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you
always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer
to the ground than you are.
_____________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a
sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always
say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the
ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an
example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and
Father got married on the same
day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington
not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still
had the axe in his hand."
_____________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me
frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to,
my Mom is a good cook.
_____________
TEACHER: Desmond, your
composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the
same dog!
_____________
TEACHER: What do you call a
person who keeps on talking
when people are no
longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
_____________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in
the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do
you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this
report card.
Des

A change of heart changes
everything


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2.16.2004

THE COWBOY AND THE CHURCH



One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church before."

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