Funny Jokes

2.28.2004

Little Johnny -- TOPICS OF CONVERSATION ON AN AIRPLANE ...


Little Johnny

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"


"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of
the application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read his application and said, "We have
an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

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MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

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2.27.2004

World Famous Easter Recipes
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


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2.26.2004

One day another mom that homeschools and I were spending
the day together. As the children were playing, we
recounted various stories to one another and just enjoyed
each other's company.

The subject came up of being frugal and not wasting food.
Her face jumped to a story with obvious relevance to this
topic, and my three-year-old and I listened intently.

"Angie," she said. "I was grilling hamburgers outside
this past summer, and they were just done.... nice and
juicy."

She has four children just like me, so I knew she was
talking about at least eight hamburgers.

"As I was taking the meat off the grill, it slipped, and
all the meat fell into the ashes!! I couldn't just throw
them away! So I scooped those puppies up, brought them
inside, carefully washed them off, and we ate them! They
were just fine. In fact, they tasted great!"

As I was congratulating her on a job well done and a
problem successfully overcome, I noticed the distressed
look on my young daughter's face.

In total seriousness and quite earnestly she said,
"No, we don't eat puppies!! No! We pet puppies!"

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2.25.2004

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2.23.2004

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:

-a half-gallon of 2% milk,
-a carton of eggs,
-a quart of orange juice,
-a head of romaine lettuce,
-a 2 lb. can of coffee,
-and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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2.22.2004

Economics Unravelled

Gee Dubya's Economic Stimuli:

2000: The economy's booming, we deserve a tax cut.
2001: The economy's crashing, we need a new tax cut.
2002: Economy still sucks. How about more tax cuts?
2003: Economy is slowly recovering, better have another tax cut.
2004: Now, about making all those tax cuts permanent...

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