REAL 911 CALLS

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What
is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded
like gunshots coming from the
brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an
address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a
blouse and slacks, why?
==============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What
is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my
house and took a bite out of
my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and
cheese sandwich and left it on
the kitchen table and when I
came back from the bathroom,
someone had taken a bite out
of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else
taken?
Caller: No, but this has
happened to me before and I'm
sick and tired of it.
==============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Hi, is this the
police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do
you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who
to call. Can you tell me how
to cook a turkey? I've never
cooked one before.
=============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire
or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you
sir?
Caller: I was
wondering.....does the Fire
Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you
have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the
last 4 hours trying to put
these chains on my tires
and....well.... do you think
the Fire Dept. could come over
and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you .......
what?
Caller: Help me get these
chains on my car!
=============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What
is the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach
nine eleven, but my phone
doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine
eleven.
Caller: I thought you just
said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am
nine-one-one and nine-eleven
are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old,
but I'm not stupid.
=============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
What's the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only
two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first
child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is
her husband
=============
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having
trouble breathing. I'm all out
of breath. Darn ... I think
I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you
calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
North and Foster. Damn ......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance
is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you
doing before you started
having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the
police.

While visiting England, Dubya is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Dubya?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Dubya agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Okay Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Dubya replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

You know you work for the government when:

1. The process becomes more important than the product.
2. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a
subject you know nothing about.
3. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
4. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be
the one answering them.
5. You fly first class across the country to attend a conference
with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have
enough money.
6. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an
acronym.
7. You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of
acronyms.
8. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to
its importance. (A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a
contractor, but the same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal
attention.)
9. You've sat at the same desk for three years, done the same thing
for three years, but have had three different business cards.

Poor Ole Mississippians Have a Good Day!!!!

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are
real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district.
Misspellings have been left intact.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre)(dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the
( )'s.]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

My sister works as a secretary for a number of medical
doctors. One is the father of 10 children. One night it
was his turn to stay home and take care of the house and
the kids while his wife got out to relax.

The doctor settled down in the living room to read his
newspaper and magazines. There were kids running all
around, up and down stairs and just having a grand time.
Finally it got to be about 8PM and the doctor calls out
with a loud voice, "OK, everybody upstairs and start
getting ready for bed!"

There is heard this stampede of kids heading up the stairs
as they were ordered. The doctor settles down in his chair
with a bit more of peace and quiet. Only a few minutes
pass when he hears the distinct foot fall of someone
coming down the stairs. He hollers out, "I told you to get
upstairs and to get ready for bed."

Next thing heard is the sound of feet running upstairs.

Once again, the doctor settles into his reading. Not two
minutes pass but that he hears quite distinctly the steps
of someone coming down the stairs. He gets up out of his
chair and goes and stands at the bottom of the stairs.
With hands on his hips I looks up at the child and says,
"Didn't I tell you to get upstairs and get ready for bed?"

Sheepishly the child looks at the doctor and says, "But
mister, I don't even live here!"

Children in the dark cause accidents,
accidents in the dark cause children.