End of the World...

How the Media Would Handle the End of the World

USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD.

Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

National Enquirer:
O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.

Inc. Magazine:
10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

Rolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

Sports Illustrated:
Game Over.

Ladies' Home Journal:
Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

TV Guide:
Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!

Discover Magazine:
How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

Microsoft Systems Journal:
Netscape Loses Market Share.

America Online:
System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes

Source Unknown

The Problem with Rover

NASA has lost touch with the first Mars Rover; it's responding to pings,
but they can't get any telemetry back. I think I know what's happened:
the onboard computer has gotten confused and decided all its images are
underexposed, so it's diverted power to charging the capacitor for its
spotlight. You see, the Spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

HAVING A BAD DAY -- SCROLL DOWN




Have things gotcha Down?

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????



Well, then, consider this...............................



In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

Tthe next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Having a Bad Day????


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers ... A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a Bad Day????


Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.



What?? STILL having a Bad Day????


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



There now, feeling better????

POLITICAL SATIRE -- Little David



Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helper s?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes, Dang! Whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

New Classics

In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the
mail" and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning,"
modern events have made for modern lies to take their
place among the classics.

Following are some of the *new classics*

I never inhaled.
I never watch television except PBS.
I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of
my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
The engine is supposed to make that noise.
Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge
is on "empty."
Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
You get this one and I'll pay next time.

A business is looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, work a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

Soon after a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."