Funny Jokes

3.20.2004

Retirement Plan -


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.


With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.


With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.




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3.19.2004

1st day on the job

On my first day at the gas station, I watched a coworker
measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by
lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

'What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?'
I joked.

'It would go out,' he replied very matter-of-factly.

'Really?' I asked, surprised to hear that. 'Is there a
safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes
ignited?'

'No,' my coworker continued. 'The force from the explosion
would blow out the match.'"

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SOCRATES: IN ANCIENT GREECE

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you
to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student,
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to
say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..." ! "All right,"
said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not."

"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him but
you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because
there's one filter left."

And that is "The the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me
is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This, of course, was why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging
his wife.

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FAMOUS AND WITTY QUOTES ...



The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~~~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea visit people only once a year.
~~~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~~~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~~~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~~~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~~~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
~~~Jimmy Durante

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~~~Alex Levine

A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her.
~~~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~~~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~~~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~~~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~~~Unknown




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3.18.2004

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3.17.2004

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.


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3.15.2004

Kyle and Justin were sitting down to eat their supper
with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle saw the baby-sitter sit down in his daddy's seat.

"You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

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