Funny Jokes

3.27.2004

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house,
and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman
said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his
way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park
for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't
hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too
tired to walk home."

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3.26.2004

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3.25.2004

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3.24.2004

ALBERTA DEPT. OF FISH & GAME ADVISORY


In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Alberta Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the
field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as
not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black bear and Grizzly
bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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How To Frustrate A Man

Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

"Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.

Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit, totally unannounced.

Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. Hide them well.

Organize his desk, workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.

Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ding Dongs.

Misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time every other day for three weeks...

Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.


Maricopa County Fair

It's tough getting old!

A whole new twist to the blue pill .....

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked the Pharmacist for the little blue " Viagra " pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I
cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old
and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to
stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new shoes...."



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3.23.2004

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3.22.2004

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.



3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.



5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.



9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.



11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.



13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get
a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.



15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.



17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.





21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.



23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.



25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never
tried before.

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3.21.2004

What Goes Around......... 2035 AD



News flash just in for the year 2035.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as California’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East(formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still
closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now
be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers
must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex
with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still have not figured out how to
use a voting Machine.

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