Funny Jokes

4.02.2004

Special Holidays...

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter
and Passover holidays and decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the> >
Atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the
long, passionate presentation of his lawyer, promptly banged his gavel
and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said,
"Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the
Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the
Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such
holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your
client is too confused to know about or to celebrate the atheists'
holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for
atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date--April 1st!"

"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'"
> > > Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1

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Happy birthday to you!

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to
him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused
voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

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3.31.2004

THE JOKES:

>Subject: Comedians on Kerry

>
>
>
>
>
>COMEDIANS ON KERRY
>
>"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to
>re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is
>condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is
>unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
>order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
>-Jay Leno
>
>"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the
>wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
>the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He
>can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm
>Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
>the working man." - Jay Leno
>
>"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
>he's already planning his White House sex scandal."
>-David Letterman
>
>"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.
>Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the
>flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn
>
>"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate.
>They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
>campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for
>$50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage
>and marry him." - Jay Leno
>
>"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
>supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy
>has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman
>
>"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
>pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox
>-his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."
>- Jay Leno
>
>"An Internet report claims that John Kerry had an affair
>with a young woman, but that she still loves him and will
>deny it. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky
>scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'"
>-Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
>
>"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry
>juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C.,
>Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that
>he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman
>
>"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The
>time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one
>candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we
>will have to endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien
>
>"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists
>feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They
>say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a
>war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll
>be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."
>-Jay Leno
>
>"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts
>for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the
>matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno
>
>"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said
>his FIRST WIFE was worth around $300 million and his SECOND
>WIFE, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. His
>intern (with whom he supposedly had an affair) was worth
>several more million. So when John Kerry says he's going
>after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking.
>He's doing it!" - Jay Leno
>
>"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
>that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of
>privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the
>multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno
>
>"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the

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School daze...

It was the first day of school. The previous principal had
just retired and a new principal just started. As the
principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion
coming from one of the classrooms.

He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others,
who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad,
dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until
he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order
and lectured the class for half an hour about the
importance of good behavior.

'Now,' he said, 'are there any questions?'

One girl stood up timidly. 'Please sir,' she asked, 'May
we have our teacher back?'


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3.29.2004

Jumping to conclusions...

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I
woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.
I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When
I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but
$11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other
end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about
your room number."

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A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych
major then switched to English Lit.

After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international
affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.

She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.

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Science Experiment


Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the

worms.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put in a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil.


After one day, these were the results:


First worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in the Cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - ALIVE.


So the Science teacher asked the class - What can we learn from this

experiment??


Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said -

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"


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A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of
four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the
lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their
favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the
pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got
pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she
got pictures of the three wise men and the like.

Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of
an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up
to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see
Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their
"flight" to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was
another man on the plane.

Jimmy quickly explained, "That's Pontius, the pilot."

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