Funny Jokes

4.10.2004

Going the Extra Mile

Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan
on the back of a very well-known trucking company's
vehicle:

"We Always Go the Extra Mile."

Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just
below it:

"That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."

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4.08.2004

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie
dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more
realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions
of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with
tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken
sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch
with Your Inner Self" is included.

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

4.07.2004

AUSTRALIAN LINGO
An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is
bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and
fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."

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4.05.2004

It's Strawberry Time!

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."



===================


Say when...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've
been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon
do you need to know?"

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

4.04.2004

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.
He says:
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook.
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says.
"Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh," says the waitress.
The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says,
"What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies,
"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Miss Bea, the church organist was in her eighties and
had never been married. She was much admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled
with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom. When
she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got
the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And
you know...I haven't had a cold all winter

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