I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Golf Partner

Golf Partner

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe
said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play
golf with Jim anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"

Dialed the Wrong Number

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.
Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal
Revenue Service in error.
So the IRS operator asked me what number I had
dialed.
I said, 'The Red Cross, you know, where they take
the blood.'
She said, 'Well, you aren't too far off, are you?'

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

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Thinning the Herd: A 44-year-old man was crushed to death by a slow-moving tractor-trailer when he jumped underneath it to get the reportedly-"well-worn" baseball cap that the wind had just blown off his head (Lethbridge, Alberta, November). And a 55-year-old man died of a heart attack, most likely, said the police, during or moments after stabbing his wife numerous times in a domestic altercation (Keene, N.H., December). And a 23-year-old man was hit by a subway car at New York City's 34th Street station when he leaned over the tracks to see the oncoming train, not realizing that it was coming from the other direction (December; the last press report available said the man was in critical condition).

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