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School Answering Machine

School staff voted unanimously to record this on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

'To complain about what we do - Press 3

'To swear at staff members - Press 4

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

'To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort...hang up and have a nice day!

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Eat your Oatmeal!

An old man was telling his grandson the secret to a long,
happy, fruitful life. 'The secret,' he said, 'is to
sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal each morning.'

The grandson thought this was odd, but still he did it
every morning. And the old timer was right.

When the young boy grew up, lived a long full life and died,
he left behind 13 children, 23 grandchildren, 34 great-
grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the
crematorium!

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Cold Water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural
area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather.

"Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are
clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.

Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

PREGNANCY Q &A &more!




Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"



10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.



TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND


10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.






AND, theNumber One thing only women understand:






1. OTHER WOMEN






Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day .

WE ALL NEED TO SMILE !!!!! :-)

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watch

Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's the first
time in your life you really don't care what time it is?

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Fashion correctness for those over 50

Many of us "Older Folks" (those near 50, over 50, or WAY over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be "in" and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop : )

All jerks of the world...unite!

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had
become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One
evening in a cafe, the conversation got around to his pet
peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks,"
he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and
sauntered over to him. "Look, I heard what you said, and
I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"