Funny Jokes

5.29.2004

Is Michael Moore just a dumb ass rat bastard or is he something much worse?

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Memorial Day Stories memorial day - Holiday Stories - Stories for the Holidays - Memorial Day Story

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5.28.2004

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5.27.2004

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[arizona_humor] Mole Family

Mole Family


-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole
all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of
the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the
hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of
the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....


Scroll down......


Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...





MOLASSES!

Hey, what can I say I got it from a friend.



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[arizona_humor] Good = Better = Best



GOOD

A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing
up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The
officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and
a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)


BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Wisconsin State Trooper
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Wisconsin
State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in
his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.



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Home Remedies


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache...

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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5.26.2004

Busted

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.

"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in a search of absolute value.

"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to
every triangle.' "

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: "If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes."

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5.23.2004

The peculiar and uncanny side of Life..

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE?

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee
Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their
final
exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G

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Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced
strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my favorite...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.



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