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6.12.2004

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[arizona_humor] QUICK JOKE

QUICK JOKE


The class was suppose to write a short story in as few words

as possible for a college class. The instructions were that

it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery.


The only student who received an A+ wrote the following;


Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?



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[arizona_humor] Death

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnnn ... and into the hole
he gooooes."

From Charlie in Pahoa, somewhere East of Singapore




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6.11.2004

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[arizona_humor] Fw: WORDS TO LIVE BY

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....

From Charlie, Somewhere West of The Palace of Auburn Hills


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6.10.2004

[arizona_humor] The New Math...

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the
cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I
pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there
with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the
nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give
me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she
burst into tears.

The incident got me thinking about how our kids were
learning math in school (or not).

Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the
price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the
price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of
lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set
"M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set
"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points
than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his
profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest
trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way
of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There
are no wrong answers)

Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does
Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga
por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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[arizona_humor] How Small Was It?

How Small Was It?

The town where I grew up was very small. We had only one
McDonald's, one Pizza Hut, one KFC, and three Starbucks.




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[arizona_humor] A compassionate lawyer

A compassionate lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men, on all fours alongside the road, eating
grass. Disturbed at the site, the lawyer ordered his driver to stop and
the lawyer got out to investigate. The lawyer asked the first man:
"Sir, why are you eating the grass." The man responded: "We don`t have
enough money for food." "Well, then," the lawyer said, "you can come with
me to my house." "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring
them along," the lawyer replied. The lawyer turned to the other man and
declared, "You can come with us also." The second man, pitifully, said:
"But,
sir, I also have a wife and six children with me." "Bring them along, too,"
said the Lawyer. They all piled into the limousine, which quickly became
cramped, despite the roominess of the limousine. As they were proceeding
to
the lawyer`s house, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said:
"Sir, you are too kind for taking us all to your home." The lawyer replied:
"I`m glad to do it... you`ll love my place, the grass is almost a foot
high."


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Mortgage Consulting

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6.09.2004

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WLAN Forum - Wireless LAN Online discussion Forums

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[arizona_humor] Ladder

From: "Olumide Olubobokun"

There was an Irish man who wanted to measure a ladder.

He leaned the ladder against the wall and started measuring the ladder with
a tape as he climbed up the ladder.

A little boy saw him half up the ladder and wondered what he was doing or
rather, trying to do.

Little boy: Hi. What are u doing sir?

Irishman: I'm trying to measure the ladder.

Little boy: Why did you have to lean the ladder against the wall to measure
it? Why not place the ladder on the ground and measure it.

Irishman: ... busted into laughter and said "You fool. I'm trying to measure
the height and not the length".




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[arizona_humor] Another Houdini? Not!

A police officer responded to a report of a bar room
disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall
and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted
that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight
Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could
show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a
set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you
can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for
four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do
it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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6.08.2004

[arizona_humor] Fw: From Zalome



From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place and out of sight.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com/





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[arizona_humor] Try This

 
CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS

This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not
one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)


3. Add 5. (for Sunday)


4. Multiply it by 50.  I'll wait while you get the
calculator................


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you
haven't, add 1753 .....


6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are ........


YOUR AGE! 



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[arizona_humor] > Jesus and the Redneck..



<<

> Jesus and the Redneck...
>
>
> An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
> afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
> The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked,
> "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
>
> The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to
> give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
>
> The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a
> hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat
> down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He
> also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
> Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the English-
> man said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,  "My treat."
>
> The third patron to come into the restaurant was a
> Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat
> down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang How's > about gettin' me a cold
glass of Coke!"
>
> He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
> that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more
> nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass
> of Coke, "On my bill."
>
> As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman,
> touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
> healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into
> his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
>
> Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and
>  said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English-
> man felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands,
> praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
>
> Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck
> jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability!"



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[arizona_humor] coffee we all need it,. and hello group!!!!!

You ski uphill.You speed walk in your sleep.You answer the door
before people knock.You sleep with your eyes open.You just completed
another sweater and you don't know how toknit.You grind your coffee
beans in your mouth.You have to watch videos in fast-forward.The only
time you're standing still is in an earthquake.You lick your
coffeepot clean.Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.The nurse needs a
scientific calculator to take your pulse.You can type sixty words a
minute with your feet.You don't need a hammer to pound nails.You
don't sweat, you percolate.You've worn out the handles on your
favorite mug.You've built a miniature city out of plastic
stirrers.People get dizzy just watching you.People can test their
batteries in your ears.When someone asks you," How are you?" you
answer," Good to thelast drop."Your birthday is a national holiday in
Brazil.You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the
coffee.Your Thermos is on wheels.You can outlast the Energizer
Bunny.You don't
> even wait for the water to boil anymore.You think being called a
drip is a compliment.You don't tan, you roast.You don't get mad, you
get steamed.You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.You think CPR
stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
>
>
>
>





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[arizona_humor] Brooms

Brooms


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a
little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"



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6.07.2004

Ronald Reagan Quotations Ronald Reagan Quotes - Ronald Reagan Sayings - Famous Quotes and Famous Sayings Network

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Quotes From Famous People: Ronald Reagan Speeches at Town Hall: Conservative Hall of Fame

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes