Funny Jokes

7.10.2004

[arizona_humor] Senior Wedding

SENIOR WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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7.09.2004

[arizona_humor] It's about dumb luck : )

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee.
The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced
off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that
direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced
off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of
a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally
asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the
bus schedule."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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[arizona_humor] Sisters

>A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign
>out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
>
>
>
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
>
>
>
>He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
>second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
>
>
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
>
>
>
> Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then
he
>drives past a third sign saying:
>
>
>
>
> SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> NEXT RIGHT
>
>
>
>
>His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far
>side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the
>door reading:
>
>
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>
>
>
>
>
>He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a
>long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
>
>
>
>
>He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in


>possibly doing business."
>
>
>
>"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
>
>
>The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented.
>The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on
this
>door."
>
>
>
>He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup
>answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then
go
>through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100
out
>of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
>
>
>
>He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut
>behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in
the
>parking lot, facing another small sign:
>
>
>
>
> GO IN PEACE.
> YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
> BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER



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7.08.2004

“Good jokes are wasted on the Stupid”

-- Garfield the cat (Jim Davis)


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[arizona_humor] Change artistry!

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling
them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of
those things."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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7.07.2004

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[arizona_humor] More jumbled words

i agree - too much leisure time - but that applies to me too - and i'm
just a passive and grateful recipient of the creativity of others.

here's a few more of the same ilk, copied from another site long ago :

Evangelist Evil's Agent
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
SemolinaIs No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Contradiction Accord not in it
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A.
Armstrong.
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!
Clint Eastwood Old West Action
Western Union No Wire Unsent
Conversation Voices Rant On
The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel Giant Work in Street,
Partly Underneath
The Check is in the Mail Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)"
The United States Bureau of FisheriesI Raise the Bass to Feed Us in
the Future
To be or not to be, that is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the
mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune.
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet,
queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

ps i suggest all who post to folks unknown to each other use the bcc
option. i had trouble finding how to activate it but it is an important way
to help deter the accumulation of addresses to be used for nefarious
purposes. thanks

phoenix wheeler




Land Rover LR3. Sign up.

http://mocda3.com/1/c/689948/197310/356617/356617

Land Rover North America
Customer Relationship Center
Mahwah, NJ 07430
www.landroverusa.com/lr3
http://mocda3.com/1/c/689948/197310/356617/356617

AOL users go here

http://home.att.net/~quotations/





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[arizona_humor] Scramble Words

This has got to be one of the most clever
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one!)



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!



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[arizona_humor] A little old lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
beconfronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good
morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to
close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration" And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.



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[arizona_humor] circle flies

A farmer in Indiana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he
kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer
said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped
writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never
heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to
writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying
to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you
a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back
to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."



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7.06.2004

domain name registration


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7.04.2004

[arizona_humor] Bubba and the Priest's blessing


Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He
loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when
he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of
one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Bubba
was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure
enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses
for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of
one of the horses.

Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race.

Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
Bubba was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses,
and it always came in first.

Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the
priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of
the horses. Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead
last.

He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest. He
demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they
won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my
savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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htt

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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide
to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check
out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although
it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth 350. When the clerk tells him 350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when
he looks at the check. But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for 100.'

'That's right,' says the man. 'I charged you 250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have'

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