GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-17-04
THE GROANERS
In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for
taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Do you know what his bail
cost him? An arm and a leg. (Archives)
They say the atmosphere is 78 percent nitrogen and 22 percent oxygen.
And when I become world-renowned for being the first person to discover
the border where they combine, I'll just sit back and laugh.
(Brad Simanek)
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho", and went out
walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the
visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of
buffalos." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'." "Heard
what?" "Herd of buffalos." "Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big
bunch of 'em right over there." (Gail S. Angel)
So this fellow is walking along the street in Arabia and comes upon an
ornate bottle, and he picks it up to see if there's a genie inside. At
first all he can see inside is a lot of wet dirt, but after he rubs the
bottle a few times, out pops...a dog! "What are you?" he
expostulates to the canine. "Isn't it obvious?" replies the animal (in
perfect English). "I'm a cur mud djinn." (Cynthia MacGregor)
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio
of male to female software engineers is on the order of 25 to 1. This
makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their
peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for
being... well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The
odds are good, but the goods are odd." (Maurizio Mariotti)
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the
chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse
of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael
sought his grandmother. "Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the
chickens is in bloom!" (Douglas Helsel)
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign advertising,
"Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions." The
book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy
one. Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that I had
just purchased an expensive book about chess. (Marsha Coleman)
Thereâ¬Â"s a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there: Demi,
Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on
Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you: A
Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. (Clean Laffs)
At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his
father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the
question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?"
"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his
brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is. "All I said
was, 'For an occasion like this, you'd think they would serve
champagne!'" (Bill Stebbins)
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!"
said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days." (Moni)
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a
bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit
on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is
starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been
marooned!!" (M. Dean Blanck)
Jenna loves to take dead leaves and pile them up till the rain and
nature break them down to a gooey mass that's nutritious for the yard.
Her daughter objects, having stepped barefoot in the yucchhy stuff once
too often. But Jenna persists...you might say she's pro- leaf ick.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had
purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem,
madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's
still not seeing things my way." (Gail S. Angel)
The MD saw the psychiatrist about an apparent case of depression. "Loss
of interest?" asked the Psych Dr.."Yes." "Hard to get up in the morning
and go to work?" "Yes." The psychiatrist pondered the problem a moment,
then wrote a fairly unusual prescription. He said, "I'm ordering you to
take a week off from work, drive to Atlantic City, see a show, and go
to a party. You're not depressed, doctor, merely understimulated." And
that's how the doctor became bored certified. (Jason Dias)
A friend of mine is a keen fisherman. During this week's high winds he
had a narrow escape. He was almost washed overboard, but managed to
save himself by pushing some boxes of fish off instead. As he watched
them sink he thought "There but for the crates of cod go I!" (Jonners)
A railroad worker killed a customer in a fight. He was con- victed of
murder and sent to the electric chair. But when they turned on the
juice, he was unaffected. Everyone was stunned. When reporters asked
him how he withstood the charge, he said, "I'm just a bad conductor!"
(Haust Javeri)
Two robins were sitting in a tree. `I'm really hungry`, said the first
one. `Me, too` said the second. `Let's fly down and find some lunch.`
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of
worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate `til they could eat no more.
`I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree`, said the
first one. `Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun`,
said the second. `O.K.` said the first. They plopped down, basking in
the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck
up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he
thought, `I just love baskin` robins.` (Archives)
Two soldiers were getting ready for a ten-mile hike. One said to the
other, "How do you manage? These long marches always do me in." His
buddy replied, "I have a little chemical help. Here...want a drag?" And
he lit up a most illicit joint. "Does that really help?" asked his pal.
"Sure," came the reply. "I call it my march-mellow." (Cynthia
MacGregor)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of
his car and asks the blonde for her license. "You cops should get it
together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me
to show it.'' (Pot Humor)
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be
spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the
doctor's office. But before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those
large teeth of hers and asked the owner. "Is she friendly?" "Friendly?"
said the man, "She's had five litters!" (Gail S. Angel)
A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband,
driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a
blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well,"
commented one of th
she heard
footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant. "Ma'am," he said,
"we were all wondering if you could put your top back on." "Why? I'm
not disturbing anybody." "Ma'am. You're on the skylight." (Club Laugh)
As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbor's son
Paul and his fiancee Sharon just going in. "Did you see that? " Sadie
says. "See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is
referring to. "Paul's fiancée, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing
all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she
shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see-through top. And such a tight
leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe
properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know
she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits
her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year."
With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a
year." (Bert Juda)
Morris has six daughters, all married but one - and she is not very
beautiful. So one day Morris visits Rabbi Levine. "Rabbi, I don't know
what to do about Becky. She seems to be too ugly for the men around
here to want to marry. What do you suggest I do?" "First of all, can I
ask you how ugly Becky is?" says Rabbi Levine. "Well, Rabbi, if she was
lying on a plate with some herrings, I don't think she would stand out
from the herrings." "OK, " says Rabbi Levine, "what kind of herrings
are we talking about?" Surprised by the question, Morris replies,
"Err..Bismarck herrings Rabbi." "That's really bad luck, then," says
Rabbi Levine, "if they were Maatjes herrings, she'd have a much better
chance." (Bert Juda)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
In your estimation, who was Babe Ruth?
A Ball Park Figure (Lars Hanson)
What do cowboys use to signal each other during a midnight round-up?
Communication Saddle Lights (Stan Kegel)
What do you call a piece of wood driven into the ground to tether a cow
to?
Beef Stake (Cynthia MacGregor)
This novel about a large family ends with the elder children leaving
home to form a quartet. What is the title of the final chapter?
A Four Gone Conclusion (Stan Kegel)
Two psychiatrists got together and ventured quite successfully into
the modern music scene. In so doing they created a whole new variation
on a popular genre. What was it called?
Shrink Rap (Lars Hanson)
When the clown joined the symphony orchestra, what instrument did he
play?
The bass buffoon (Cynthia MacGregor)
How does one tell the gender of a chromosome?
By Pulling down its genes (Van's Camp)
Toward the end of his long career the voice of Bugs, Daffy, Porky,
Woody and many others was confused by the use of the computer. Most of
his attempts to send notes and messages contained nothing but a subject
line and his signature. Folks -that's all folks - who received these
incomplete notes called them, What?
Mail Blanks (Gary Reeves )
What could you say about a botany professor who spent his sabbatical
studying the foliage of sagebrush and wormwood.
He took a leaf of absinthe (Stan Kegel)
Where do elderly photographers go to live out their declining years?
The Old Focus Home (Gary Hallock)
What's the starting price for long term rental of a decent concert
piano?
At leased forte grand (Gary Hallock)
Went to the marching band concert last night. At one point, to
celebrate the upcoming event in Athens, the flautists formed up in a
series of rings symbolizing the Olympic logo. I turned to my wife,
while pointing at the field, and said "Look, Babe, (Two words that
sounded like a breakfast cereal.)
Flute Loops (Clynch Var
piece of history so he loaned it to Planet
Hollywood where it went on display inside the same glass case that
formerly held artifacts from a certain old Steve McQueen film. Oddly
enough, they needed only to slightly alter the wording on the plaque.
How does it read now?
The Greyed S-Cape (Gary Hallock)
What do you call an attorney who files a suit against the city for
damages ensued from a hurricane?
A Storm Sue-er (Stan Kegel)
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