Famous Quotes
famous quotes

9-11 commission Report available Free Online
9-11 commission Report available Free Online

[arizona_humor] The Texas Midget

The Texas Midget

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached
almost all the time.

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his
pants. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough (the
usual method to check for a hernia).

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to turn and cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,
snip, snip, snip on the right side; snip, snip, snip, snip, snip,
snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his
testicles still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's
office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The
midget replied, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did
you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots."



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[arizona_humor] Groaners of the Weak 07-24-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-24-04

THE GROANERS

A shocking autobiography by someone we will call Monica L. Is expected
to be out soon and will probably cause as much talk as did that of her
lover. In it she will reveal that she has always had a problem with her
weight, to the point where she considered herself obese. Due to
rejection, she became an easy prey to young men and girls alike. So
when she was approached by the Secret Service and told that they not
only knew of her current affair but her earlier life, they were
prepared to take away her security clearance which would end everything
she had worked so hard for. Up until that time, she had met her lover
only in places that could not be adequately surveyed and the evidence
would not stand up in court. If she would agree to have a sexual act in
the oval office, her previous life would be ignored and she could
continue her internship. She agreed to there demands and the rest is
history.. Which just goes to show It's not oval until the fat lady
stings. (Stan Kegel)

I don't believe I ever told you about my past with different groups.
Recently, Mr. Kerry's son and Mr. Edwards son got together to form a
singing duet. I was the "roadie" for them, but I did a lot more than
just setting up equipment. I was responsible for all of the little
things that need doing. All the problems were covered by John's son &
John's sons' band aide. (Jack Spiegel)

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their performance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Phil Hudson)

The ants were surprised when Spring Cleaning day came along. They had
been having a contended carpet-picnic, picking up tiny pieces of
dropped ham, turkey, beef and other delicacies, when the home-owners
had begun their cleaning rampage. The ants hadn't planned on doing any
work themselves, but they got swept up in the excitement. (Jason Dias)

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend
that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You
told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the
organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake,
food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The
friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was
it?" The widow says, "Three carats!" (John Price)

The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where
Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and
the late Tupac Shakur were headlining a local music festival. Early in
the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired,
they came up with the perfect name for the place -- Rap City in Blue.
(Alan B. Combs)

The jeweler needed to shave the black stone down on one side to ensure
a good fit to the piece he was working on. The tool he was going to use
for that purpose suddenly struck him as being much to dowdy for an
upscale jewelry manufacturer such as himself, so he took dropped the
stone project and instead began to gold plate his jewelry tools. Yes,
he w said the man, "but if there is anyone
here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." (Douglas Helsel)

The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up
timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound,
it was apparent that this bird wasn't done. (Alaine Sepulveda)

A Haitian bank teller thought she was being followed by a zombie, so
she went to the police. The detective said, "OK, you think some guy is
following you?" She said, "Not 'some guy' - a zombie. One of the
walking dead." The detective sighed in relief and told her to go on
back to her job at the bank, because, he said, "The first thing every
detective learns is ... Dead Men Tail No Tellers." (Bevjo McGuire)

A rare delicacy indeed is saut�©ed sloth. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the
creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and
saut�©s it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and
the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an
excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many
people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good
meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can
only be saut�©ed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles. Too many
cooks broil the sloth. (Carol)

Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled
and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies.
Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Apparently his
last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way. (Pastor
Tim)

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he
heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long,"
to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose? (Tom
O'Leary)

Sleepless in Seattle, sleepless in Schenectady, and now--damn her bad
luck--sleepless in this god-forsaken pit Brad assured her was a
perfectly lovely out-of-the way and darling older, but totally updated
and refurbished, accommodation flushed with sunlight and surrounded by
swirling blue waters in Seward named the Tide Ebola Inn. (Pat Merrill)

It was another dork and Stormy Knight--after snapping the last of his
palm dampened dollar bills into the frazzled elastic of her G
string--sent him packing precisely three-eighths of a mile down Highway
20 to the spot where she'd promised him a glorious glimpse of
self-awareness, and where he would discover a slight depression in the
asphalt and find himself quizzically contemplating the adjacent
Department of Transportation sign that read simply: "Dip in Road."
(Rick Sutherland)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded
mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening
and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced
in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to
marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them
reacted but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded
in an even louder voice, "Ok, fine! I won't tell you who the father
is!" (Caboom)

An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and
then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through
the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence. Another passenger
observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is
anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long
trips get boring so I tel Hoover Dogs)

A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I?" Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She
said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" (Hooverdogs)

After hearing a speech on motivating employees, the owner of a large
business posted signs that read "Do It Now" on the wall of every
department at the office. It was impossible for the employees not to
see them all through the day. A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing
the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked. "Well," says the
business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. The cashier
ran off with $20,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and
the rest of the employees asked for raises!" (Haust Javeri)

CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

In the Star Trek universe, the Vulcans can pursue a course of
attaining 'pure logic'. However, in my version of that same universe,
this procedure leads to something else. I find the Vulcans who pursue
this procedure getting constipated and being driven to expressing it
in a manner similar to Vincent Van Gogh and Michaelangelo. In my
universe, what would this procedure be called?
Colon-Art (David Bunch)

What international city is named for a sunbathing animal?
Istanbul (Steve Ryan)

What's the difference between a manicurist and a crack secretary?
One files nails. The other nails files (Lars Hanson)

Some people (who shall remain nameless) have really gotten into
watching bike racing and have even ordered digital cable so they can
watch it in marathon bursts. Last Friday morning I tuned in and began
watching non-stop coverage. 96 hours later I was startled out of my
stupor to by the sudden realization that it was my turn to post the
next Flip riddle. I have absolutely no memory of anything that happened
over the weekend from Friday morning right up until early Tuesday
morning. Reverend Spooner might say I was in a what?
Four Day Trance (Gary Hallock)

My honey and I spent the weekend at a classic almost-colonial-era Inn
in the Berkshires I noted that if you want a great afternoon snack, it
helps if your room has a what?
A canap�© bed (Bob Dvorak)

Well, I'm glad I get to host one...I'd whomped up a few possible FLIPs
over the weekend so I'd Be Prepared if I won. Here goes. How might you
characterize the water-bearer's anger?
Rage of Aquarius. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Rich young folks from small contries can usually get the Olympic
experience by supporting themselves into the event. It happened that
way with a wealthy lad named Lewis from a small country on the
Mediterranean Sea and the southern coast of France. Lewis wanted to be
a winter Olympics downhiller and so he became one even with little
experience. What was the headline in his small country when he actually
became the Olympic champion?
Monico Lou wins ski (Gary Reeves)

If Peter O'Toole had become a gynecologist, what would his fans have
called him?
Lawrence of Our Labia (Stan Kegel)

When Casius Clay arrived at the orgy, everyone said something that
sounded like the moral of a Muslim story.
Mohammed came to the mountin'. (Jason Dias)

The female half of a wine-making couple always wore a certain hat when
it was time to go make the wine. When wine-making time came around
again, what old song did her husband sing to her to announce the fact?
Put on your old grape bonnet. (Cynthia MacGregor)




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[arizona_humor] Weakly Humerus News 07-23-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 07-23-04

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

"This Commission recommends an Intelligence Czar to oversee all
agencies." Bureaucrat looking at President Bush: "I thought that was
supposed to be his job." (Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)

President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do
with 9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to
know all the facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy. (Jay
Leno)

Pollster" "How do voters feel about stopping the American Flag being
burned?" Interviewee holding newspaper with headline "War Deaths":
"First we'd like to stop it from being folded into triangles." (Steve
Kelley, The New Orleans Times-Picayune)

President Bush is preparing legislation that would get rid of the
electoral college vote, and replace it with "whichever candidate has
the most square footage for the states they win." (Paul Benoit)

The war on terror came to an unexpectedly abrupt end today as the
al-Qaeda network kingpin Osama bin Laden was found hiding in the pants
of former national security adviser Sandy Berger. (Andy Borowitz)

John Ashcroft has amended the Patriot Act so that John Kerry can only
choose Michael Jackson as his running mate. (Bongo News)

In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God
speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God
would mispronounce that many words? (Jay Leno)

Download of the Week: Capital Steps on Koby Bryant, & Arnold
Schwarzenegger < http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/lirty-falicornia.mp3>
Or http://www.capsteps.com for Real Player formats. A Must.

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

"We're back and chatting with Rupert Murdock about "Outfoxed" the new
documentary about his Fox News Network. Mr. M. The film shows in detail
how Fox News has effectively become the broadcast arm of the Bush White
House." "Well, that's right, Mark. No administration has ever had its
own network before. We saw a need." "Amazing. Where'd you get the
idea?" "Well, I own media in China." "Say no more!" (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, the new film "Outfox3d" shows how your political agenda
drives Fox News. Far from being 'fair and balanced,' the network places
ideology ahead of everything including the truth. N.Y. comment?" "You
don't work for me do you?" "No, I lied" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, one of the most disturbing things revealed in the new
documentary is that every day Fox reporters are sent edicts telling
them what to say an how to say it." "Well, yes, but not because of a
'political agenda!" "Why then?" "Look, these people are not very
bright, okay? Show some love!" "Oops, My bad." (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, here's a memo from an editor to Fox News staffers. 'Do
not fall into the easy trap of mourning the loss of US troops and
asking out loud why they are there.' Do you really believe the mourning
of troops who have given their lives is a 'trap'? "Yes. Everybody knows
already about the 200-plus guys!" "Plus?" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

Meanwhile at the Kerry Compound: "Government can't do it all. People
need to take responsibility for their lives." Kerry: "Where does he get
this stuff?" Aide: "Oh, Rush is just mean-spirited." Kerry: "Who
mentioned Limbaugh? I'm talking about Bill Cosby!" (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)

The Kerry Platform search continues: And the real issue is whether
you're content with the status quo or you want a first lady who's
cheeky, saucy, sexy, and reeeaaalll loaded. (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)

Woman talking to friends: "Gay marr assisted 9-11
Hijackers⬝ �SIran Nukes, WMD⬝ Bush says, �SIran, Iraq. One little letter.
What�"s the difference?⬝ (Jim Moran, The Miami Herald)

In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran � not Iraq �
that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country
because of a typo! (David Letterman)

The September 11th Commission will recommend Thursday the creation of a
National Intelligence Director. It's an idea the nation suddenly likes.
The most frequently mentioned candidate for the post is the guy who's
been on Jeopardy for five weeks. (Argus Hamilton)

The September 11th Commission is releasing its final report today. They
said it will arrive in bookstores soon. There's no official title for
the five-hundred-page report, but the audiobook version is called
Asleep at the Wheel's Greatest Hits. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush has the 9/11 Commission Report. Aides plan to make sure
he reads the document. They will include it in a copy of "My Pet Goat".
(Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * SANDY BERGER

Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger says he accidentally
removed top secret terrorism documents and inadvertently threw them
away. The Bush Administration now wants Berger to be prosecuted, fined,
and put in charge of all of the President's National Guard service
records. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry's policy adviser Sandy Berger is under FBI investigation for
taking secret U.S. documents. He just got some excellent legal advice.
Martha Stewart told him that under no circumstances should he carry an
expensive handbag into the courtroom. (Argus Hamilton)

Three law enforcement sources talking to CNN's Justice Department
correspondent Kelli Arena say they saw Sandy Berger, or that he had
been seen, putting documents in his socks. An entire document in his
socks?!? I seriously doubt that, I suspect it was probably just the
footnotes. (Paul Benoit)

Sandy Berger resigned as John Kerry's adviser Tuesday when he was
accused of lifting secret documents from the National Archives. This
isn't going away. One thing that may be over is Winona Rider's lifetime
search for her biological father. (Argus Hamilton)

Clinton National Security advisor Sandy Berger is now under criminal
investigation for destroying highly classified intelligence documents.
His lawyer says what he did wasn't illegal -- it was just sloppy. Which
I think was Bill Clinton's defense wasn't it? (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is under
investigation for sneaking highly classified documents out of the
National Archives by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about the
Clinton people that always are investigated for something down their
pants? (Jay Leno)

Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger has been accused
of smuggling confidential documents outside of the office in his pants.
I believe the last Democrat to have a bulge in his pants got impeached.
(David Letterman)

Mr. Berger received support last night from an unexpected quarter as
actress Winona Ryder vigorously defended him on CNN's "Larry King
Live." Speaking of Mr. Berger's recent woes, Ms. Ryder said, "I don't
know Sandy Berger, but if he was stuffing things into his pants, my
guess is he was just doing research for a movie role." (Andy Borowitz)

Sandy Berger, while doing September 11th Commission work, took secret
documents from the National Archives and walked them past security
guards. They certainly didn't look inside his pants. This is the
National Archives, not the National Airport. (Argus Hamilton)

Sandy Berger is in a meat grinder being run by an elephant: "It's
Berger not B unique because if you're an
attractive woman, it licks YOU. (Jake Novak)

Martha Stewart will spend five months in jail. She plans to offer
homemaking tips to fellow inmates. How to turn ordinary bed sheets into
rope. (Alan Ray)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being criticized for calling
California legislators �Sgirlie men⬝. Democrats are not amused. They�"re
planning a protest rally complete with show tunes. (Alan Ray)

A new poll shows California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger losing support
among voters who describe themselves as "girlie-men." `(Argus Hamilton)

Martha Stewart said Monday she would accept a presidential pardon. Only
four things are necessary for that to happen. President Bush must drop
Dick Cheney from the ticket, name Bill Clinton to replace him, get
re-elected, and then die. (Argus Hamilton)

Martha Stewart is going to jail. Or as she calls it, "J Mart." (Jay
Leno)

Lot of controversy over Arnold Schwarzenegger calling Democratic
opponents 'girlie men.' John Kerry and John Edwards were so stunned
they stopped kissing. (Craig Kilborn)

Two men reading newspaper headline: Arnold Calls Dems. "Girlie-Men" One
says, "Does that mean he can grope us now?" (Steve Kelley, The New
Orleans Times-Picayune)

IN THE NEWS * BILL CLINTON

A shocking autobiography by someone we will call Monica L. Is expected
to be out soon and will probably cause as much talk as did that of her
lover. In it she will reveal that she has always had a problem with her
weight, to the point where she considered herself obese. Due to
rejection, she became an easy prey to young men and girls alike. So
when she was approached by the Secret Service and told that they not
only knew of her current affair but her earlier life, they were
prepared to take away her security clearance which would end everything
she had worked so hard for. Up until that time, she had met her lover
only in places that could not be adequately surveyed and the evidence
would not stand up in court. If she would agree to have a sexual act in
the oval office, her previous life would be ignored and she could
continue her internship. She agreed to there demands and the rest is
history.. Which just goes to show It's not oval until the fat lady
stings. (Stan Kegel)

THE NEWS * DICK CHENEY & GEORGE W. BUSH

Bush driving a sound truck with a huge wedge in front labeled "Gay
Marriage Issue" on the truck: Bush '04 'I'm a Uniter not a Divider!'"
(Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Bush: "The war is not a flop. It's a big success." "My environmental
policy is not a flop. It's a big success." "My tax-cut plan is not a
flop. It's a big success." Caption: "The Flop-Flipper"

Dubya: I oppose stem cell research; those old folks with Alzheimers
don't vote anyway.. (Alan M. Corwin)

Mattel has just released the Dick Cheney Talking Action Figure but you
have to be over 18 to purchase it. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president.
He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they
started calling used cars pre-owned (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dubya: I oppose prisoner abuse and torture except when Ashcroft and
Rummy tell me it's what they want to do.. (Alan M. Corwin)

President Bush is on the campaign trail. He is touting his promise in
2000 to be a "unifier, not a divider." (Alan Ray)

Dubya: I support gay marriage. Every marriage should be gay, shouldn't
it? It's same sex marriage I can't tolerate. (Alan M. Corwin)

I wouldn't like to be occupied - that's why I play so much golf in
fact. (George W. Bush)

There's talk that VP Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican
ticket. T John Kerry entitled
"I, Robot⬝ (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry spent Sunday kite-surfing behind a cabin cruiser on
Nantucket Bay while John Edwards schmoozed donors in Newport Beach.
They're still testing out campaign themes. Last week it was the Real
Deal and this week it's the High Society. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry is on the campaign stump. His frequent trips across the U.S.
are symbolic of his stances on the issues. He goes back and forth a
lot. (Alan Ray)

Edwards started this whole thing about there are "two Americas." Now
John Kerry is talking about it too, "the two Americas." You know why
they're doing this? They're preparing us for the next tax hike. So when
you complain, "Hey! My taxes are twice what they use to be," they can
say, "Of course they are. There are two Americas now." (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * OSAMA BIN LADEN & TERRORISTS

Two terrorists talking: Why would we want to disrupt the U. S.
Presidential election? They did such a good job of it themselves last
time around. `(Bruce Beatle, Dayton News-Journal)

A UK judge decided that nine Afghans, armed with four guns, two hand
grenades and a knife when they hijacked a packed plane in Kabul in
February, 2000, forcing it to fly to Britain, and who threatened over a
four day period to kill all 173 people on board and destroy the plane,
were to be released unpunished and allowed to freely live in the UK
because they might get treated badly if they are returned to
Afghanistan. ( U. K. Mirror/Eric Meinhart)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY

Right-wing groups are now pushing 'W' ketchup so they won't have to
give money to the Heinz family and John Kerry. Its slogan: 'W' ketchup
- the perfect thing for a president who can't cut the mustard. (Rob
Bates)

Worrying that Teresa Heinz-Kerry is profiting from sales of Heinz
ketchup, a conservative Republican businessmen is selling a new product
called "W" ketchup. Meanwhile, leading neo-Nazi groups are working on
offering an alternative to Vlassic kosher pickles (Jake Novak)

Delta Airlines reports a 2 billion dollar second quarter loss. You can
tell the company is hurting. Inflight meals are now served by the
Salvation Army. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE CONVENTIONS

Ron Reagan, son of the late president, will address the Democratic
National Convention on stem cell research. Not to be outdone, the GOP
has invited Tricia Nixon, daughter of the late president, to address
the Republican National Convention on cell phone research. (The Wit
Wizard)

John Kerry reportedly asked prime-time speakers at the Democratic
Convention to tone down attacks on President Bush. Not to worry. At the
rate Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt and Doonesbury are losing paying
gigs, John Kerry will be lucky if the prime-time speakers at the
Democratic Convention don't endorse President Bush. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN

Bush: �SEnough talk about going to war needlessly at the cost of
hundreds of soldiers lives.⬝ �SEnough talk about my giving tax cuts to
the rich and cutting back programs for the poor and needy.⬝ �SEnough
talk about tens of thousands of Americans dying each year due to lack
of adequate health insurance.⬝ �SLet's talk about moral issues.⬝ (Jim
Moran, The Miami Herald)

Kerry: "I am completely and utterly against the Iraq war except when
I'm in favor of it." Bush: "The Iraq war has made us unquestionably
safer except for the election-year terrorist attack we're expecting."
Observers: It appears this year the presidential candidates will be
debating themselves." (Kevin Kallaugher, The Baltimore Sun)

Some Republicans have grown increasingly worri our code names; that's what we
call each other! Come on!" (Jay Leno)

Two choices in Novenber: Kerry or Skerry" (Tiff Wimberly)

IN THE NEWS * GAY MARRIAGES

President Bush wants an amendment to ban gay marriages. Such a law
would preserve the sanctity of traditional marriage. By definition, it
would mean brother Neil could just be unfaithful to a woman. (Alan
Ray)

Man to crying woman: "Of course I want to marry you, Charlene,Really.
But you know I can't because the moral foundation of marriage has
crumbled with gay marriages in Massachusetts." (Daryl Cagle, Slate)

A child goes to be hungry. An elderly woman chooses between food or
medicine. Our government addresses its top priorities. Bush: "What do
you gays want to get married for anyway?" (Randy Bish, The Pittsburgh
Tribune-Review)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

After a two-year long fight, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally
succeeded in getting the House of Representatives to approve a bill
wiping out $25,000 in annual funding to Saudi Arabia. Of course Weiner
could have eliminated $25,000 in funding to the Saudis a lot easier
simply by not gassing up his SUV for a month. (Jake Novak)

Senator John Warner acknowledged that he arranged for religious
activists to use a Senate office building for a ceremony in which Rev.
Sun Myang Moon declared himself the Messiah "who helped Hitler and
Stalin be reborn as new persons". Warner, you'll recall, is the guy Liz
Taylor ranks ninth out of nine ex-husbands in the brain cell
sweepstakes. (Wit Wizard)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

News reports say the first President Bush is doing what he can to
support indicted ex-Enron CEO and founder Ken Lay. The two men have a
lot in common; both know what it's like to be the father of an economic
disaster. (Jake Novak)

"Where's Rummy": Rummy has traded places with Cheney and is hiding in
the V P.s 'undisclosed location.'" (John McMurtney)

"Where's Rummy": Rummy has acquired the same invisibility as Iraq's
Weapons of Mass Destruction. (John McMurtney)

Preemptive attack: Replaces blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a
country that poses no threat, esp. if that country is defenseless and
has extensive reserves of oil. (Geov Parrish)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS

Queen Elizabeth II's knighting of Tim Berners-Lee, the creator of the
World Wide Web, was disrupted on Saturday when former Vice President Al
Gore burst into Buckingham Palace, called Mr. Berners-Lee an "impostor"
and demanded that he receive the honor instead. After the Queen ordered
palace guards to "seize that crazy wanker," the ceremony proceeded as
planned. (Andy Borowitz)

Howard Dean was at the Washington, D.C., airport. He's in a pay phone
when a thief reached in and swiped his wallet and ran away. Usually
when a democratic presidential candidate gets robbed it's not until
November. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

The United Nations is expected to overwhelmingly vote in favor of
forcing Israel to dismantle what the delegates call its "racist,
destructive, and unnecessary security fence." Of course those delegates
won't begin voting until after they pass through seven security
barriers, three metal detectors, and an X-Ray Machine. (Jake Novak)

The 2,000 marines sent to Afghanistan to secure successful elections
there are now leaving that country. That's because the Bush
Administration now needs them to secure successful elections in
Florida.

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

A new study shows that while Viagra may make it possible for men to
have sex, it may hurt their chances of getting a woman pregnant. After
hearing this a spokesperson for men everywhere said, Tournament next month. Security will be insane. If al-Qaeda wants to
disrupt the GOP Convention by staging gay weddings they couldn't pick a
better dateline than Whistling Straits (Argus Hamilton)

When he was asked, how he became such a fan of the Tour de France?
Robin Williams answered "Oh, it's the whole bikesexual thing, it
fascinates me." (Gary Hallock)

The Los Angeles Lakers began rebuilding around Kobe Bryant Tuesday.
Everyone acts like he's already been acquitted. Kobe Bryant just signed
a seven-year deal with the Lakers contingent on the jury's verdict, so
either way he's set for life. (Argus Hamilton)

Paul Tagliabue agreed to a three-year contract extension Monday to
remain NFL Commissioner. He's pro-active. This year he is going to
invite schoolchildren to come to NFL training camps and talk to the
players about the dangers of drug use. (Argus Hamilton)

Bryant back in court for pre-trial hearing ... oral questioning of the
jury pool will begin August 30, Unfortunately, they'll have to call it
something else. The judge has ruled that any use of the term "oral"
would prejudice the accused. (Wit Wizard)

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski passed on the job coaching the Lakers
because as a married he wasn't sure if he were prepared to date Jeanie
Buss. (Randy Hill)

Miami of Ohio will play Toledo in college football on ESPN on Election
Day. It gives the country something to watch while the votes are being
counted. The question is, how are they going to stretch a single
football game to fill six weeks of airtime? (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

The Mod Squad is now on video. About an African-American man, a rich
kid, and a woman who come together to fight crime. I understand Dennis
Rodman was up for all three parts. (Jay Leno)

Michael Jackson denies he will become the father of quadruplets. It's a
big misunderstanding. When he bragged "he was going to have four kids
at once", he didn't mean it like that. (Alan Ray)

Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 was booked into a theater in Waco by
popular demand. This is the president's back yard. It's the movie
insult equivalent of running American Gigolo a block away from John
Kerry's second wife's seaside mansion. (Argus Hamilton)

Rapper Eminem is suing Apple computer for using one of his song's in a
TV ad without permission. Apple's not concerned. They say Eminem is
hard on the outside, but he just melts in your mouth. (Williams)

The sci-fi thriller "I Robot," starring Will Smith topped the box
office with its stunning tale of how stiff, but somewhat lifelike
automatons try to take over the world. Of Course, half the people
paying to see the film thought it was about the Kerry campaign. (Jake
Novak)

After dumping comedian Whoopi Goldberg as the advertising spokesman for
its line of weight-loss products, Slim-Fast stunned the advertising
community today by naming Vice President Dick Cheney as its new
pitchman. The choice of Mr. Cheney was particularly surprising, ad
experts said, since Ms. Goldberg had been dismissed in part because of
an inability to keep a tight rein on her potty-mouthed remarks - a
problem that has also plagued the vice president of late. (Andy
Borowitz)

Linda Ronstadt was fired by the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a
ballad to Michael Moore Saturday night. It's so sad. Hardly a day goes
by that SlimFast doesn't cross another name off the list of possible
replacements for Whoopi Goldberg. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

A report shows the number of Protestants has declined over the past 10
years. Pat Robertson prays for all denominations. Ones, fives, tens,
twenties, fifties⬦ (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS for the raffle is "Get your kits on Route 66!"
(Tiff Wimberly)

Eleven workers from a poultry processing plant have been fired
following the release of a video showing them kicking and stomping live
chickens. The employees plan to appeal, but meanwhile they're getting
temporary work at the Abu Ghraib Prison (Jake Novak)

The state of Washington, Department of Employment Security, threatened
to sue Sandi Byron for the 5 cents they say they overpaid her six years
ago that she has so far not paid back. (Boston Globe)

Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, New York, engaged the services of a
collection agency to collect the one-cent still owed to them by Gloria
Benavides-Lal, threatening to destroy her credit record if she doesn’t
pay. The hospital refuses to disclose how much they are paying the
collection agency. (New York Daily News)

A Washington-to-New York Amtrak train was stopped and checked after a
passenger discovered something suspicious about the train's restroom;
it was clean. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Military is now offering all personnel free plastic surgeries,
including breast enhancements. But experts say nothing will change in
the armed forces until surgeons can figure out how to give the top
brass at the Pentagon a brain enhancement. (Jake Novak)



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WIT INSPIRATIONS OF THE 'TWO-YEAR-OLDS'
mark twain WIT INSPIRATIONS OF THE 'TWO-YEAR-OLDS' - Stories by Mark Twain

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MY OWN BRAND OF HUMOR...

Rules For Kids To Live By

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grand-
parents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it
opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your
clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you
were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND
YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Author unknown

[arizona_humor] Specailty Puns of the Weak 07-21-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Resent: To post an e-mail a second time (Stan Kegel)

Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)

Engineer: A condition caused by being struck on the side of the head by
a locomotive. (Doug Drill)

Zeus: God of caged animals. (Pun-American Newsletter)

Ensign: "This freeway ENSIGN two miles." (Doug Drill)

Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet. (Mark Novisoff
and Nevet Basker)

Gross Weight: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra
suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and
diving weights. (Mark Novisoff and Nevet Basker)

Midget: Center engine on 3-engine planes (Stan Kegel)

Node: Was aware of. (Geoff Tibballs)

Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet (Art Moger)

Praline: How the lesser beasts worship King of the Jungle (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Aftermath: We have Phys. Ed. right AFTERMATH. (Stan Kegel)

Flat tire: as in, "Doesn't sitting around here in this FLAT TIRE you
out?" (Douglas Drill)

Abstain: To apply too much sun tan colouring to one's body. (Pun Define)

Debutante: The first insult. (Anne Shank)

Bookkeeping: the practice of never returning library books. (Douglas
Drill)

Adoption: To decide what should be included in a promotional campaign.
(Phil Hudson)

Diplomatic: Certificate given to graduating insects. (Stan Kegel)

Eyebrows: What I do in a book store. (Brandy Brandon)

Falsehood: A wig. (Leonard Fechtner)

Boomerang: "It's up to you," said the pirate. "You can either jump
off the BOOMERANG. (Douglas Drill)

Purchase: How Burt Reynolds was paid in Smokey and the Bandit (Jason
Dias)

POP Server: Mom (Stan Kegel)

Impromptu Party: Revel without a cause. (Pun-American Newsletter)

Expander: "I think that she's really neat but my EXPANDER (Doug
Drill)

Barbeque: A woman buys the groceries, washes the lettuce, chops the
tomatoes, dices the onions, marinates the meat, and cleans everything
up ... but the man "made the dinner. (Sandy Sibert)

Nougat: Intestinal transplant (Stan Kegel)

Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die. (Lexicon)

Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)

Zero - Where you'll find your theatre seat in Paris (Cynthia MacGregor)

Enhance: "Birds ENHANCE are worth two in bushes." (Doug Drill)

Zinnia: I've never ZINNIA flowers looking so good. (Gary Hallock)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly. (Fun With Words)

"We're being decimated," Tom said tensely. (Pun-American Newsletter)

"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter
said mosaically. (Asa Sparks)

"I'm quite inspiring," Tom mused. (Nathan Howe)

"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.
(Asa Sparks)

You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly. (Asa Sparks)

POETRY

Regarding the mockingbirds that eat tomatoes in my garden:
The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
'Twas a crime he considered most fowl.

To tomatoes the birds had been treatin'
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener's wise,
A nice plan he'll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin'.

There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he's insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.
(Kirk Miller)

Thou sh instructed his chickens
To give her the dickens;
But it was just a rooster run her out.
(Bob Dvorak)

He was seated in the parlor
And he said unto the light,
"Either you or I, old fellow,
Will be turned down tonight."
(J. M. Elgard)

MONDEGREENS

Frying poultry in the sand (By a palm tree in the sand) Beach Boys
"California Girls" (Maggie Fornia)

Darling, you're so great I can't wait for you to ovulate (Darling,
you're so great I can't wait for you to operate) Marvin Gaye "Sexual
Healing" (Lisa)

Just call me an island slease All my body yours for free This is who I
long to be Louise the Bone Eater (Tropical the island breeze All of
Nature wild and free This is where I long to be La Isla Bonita) Madonna
"La Isla Bonita" (Phil Thomas)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

He who hesilost is tates.(F. Chase Taylor)

When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. (Richard
Lederer)

During the Minnesota-Dallas game of the NFL Championship playoff game,
Pat Summerall, the sports announcer, came up with this blooper during
the first quarter of the game. He said, "Both quarterbacks are not
showing their balls, er . . . shy of throwing the balls, er . . .
ball." (Kermit Schafer)

Snow Blower for Sale Only Used on Snowy Days (Richard Lederer)

On a church door: This Is The Gate Of Heaven. Enter Ye All By This
Door. This Door Is Kept Locked Because Of The Draft. Please Use Side
Door. (Strange Cosmos)

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing (Funny Pics)

"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly. (Asa Sparks)

Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Betty. They
are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them
as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 7th.

500 Lb. Man Has Crush On Woman (Stephen Kramer)

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit. (Army preventive maintenance publication)

Lincoln spoke at the dedication of a dormitory for the wounded soldiers
who died at Gettysburg. (Richard Lederer)

Love makes the world row gown'd . (F. Chase Taylor)

Lincoln debated John Kennedy in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked
better than Lincoln, who had pallor due to his assassination. (Richard
Lederer)

Fonsence makes the heart grow abder.(F. Chase Taylor)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Ad giving directions to store: Take 58 East, exit at first Tehachapi
exit, turn right and go straight through 2 signals and 2 stop signs.
(A. Miller)

Sign in a Sears display: �SSale. As Advertised. Levis $32.99 Reg. Price
$32.99 (Stan Kegel)

A bargain at almost twice the price. Was $59.99. Now only $99.99!
(Steve Harvey)

Sign at a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
(Moni)

Sign on a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard
On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work (Strange Cosmos)

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply (Funny Pics)

Apartment For Rent: 1 bedroom apartment, available immediately. 450
per month plus deposit and utilities. Includes Steve and Refrigerator.
Call xxx-xxxx (Gerald Lerman)
�¥
In an office: Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday
Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken (Strange Cosmos)

Doctor Who Mistreats Tennis Elbow Arrested For Racketeering (Stephen
Kramer)

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any Person Passing This Point
Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council. (Strange Cosmos)

Bush Daughters In Africa To Recruit />"Saturday Night Live"? (Brendan Beary)

A. Shoot, I'm looking forward to it.
Q. Do you have any last words for the firing squad, wise guy? (Chris
Doyle)

A. One person can come along like a wave and wash it all away.
Q. What did one spider tell his friend who was building his web in a
urinal? (Peter Metrinko)

A. He's way overblown.
Q. What's the buzz on Bill Clinton's memoirs? (Paul Kocak)

A. Many people who hire us feel it in their gut and have their
suspicions confirmed.
Q. Monsieur Chef, why do you think your catering business went
bankrupt? (Jane Auerbach)

"She was deep in the happiness of such misery, or the misery of such
happiness, instantly." (Jane Austin)

Will Smith demonstrates that men do not need artificial intelligence in
order to purchase terry cloth cover-ups for after shower lounging. I,
Robe Bought. (Gary Hallock)

"City Life. Millions of people being lonesome together." (Henry David
Thoreau)

Great groups from little icons grow (Archives)

Don't put all your hypes in one home page. (Archives)

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. (Archives)



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Life Story Writing: The Giant Dipper at Mission Beach in San Diego, CA - Life Story Writing Network Blog - Life Story Writing Blog

[arizona_humor] St. Peter sez...

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get
into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in
and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until
St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay
out!'"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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[arizona_humor] Scientific Blonde Study

One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to
popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his
theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose
one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.

"What is 12x11?"

"120?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"

"25?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"

The blonde ventured "4?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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East Valley
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[arizona_humor] Kid's Puns of the Weat 7-20-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-20-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

How do you know a big train just passed?
I saw the tracks. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What did one cool ghost say to the other?
"Get a life, dude!" (Dennis, 10)

What did the prisoner say to the judge?
"Pardon Me." (Mike Benny)

Why did the firefighter call the police?
He saw the fire escape (Breena, 8)

Why was the zombie happy to be in court?
He was hoping the judge would give him a life sentence. (Esther, 9)

Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station?
To train him. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What do you call a train loaded with taffy?
A chew chew train! (Lexi,10)

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A hare net. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What did one plate say to the other plate?
Food's on me tonight! (Rachel,10)

Why was the clock in prison?
It was just doing time. (Mike Benny)

What happened to the egg when it laughed?
It cracked up! (Cesar,11)

How did the planetarium worker describe his work?
Heavenly (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What did the computer say when it bumped into the woman?
Excuse me modem (Jake, 10)

Which guy in the orchestra is always struck by lightning?
The conductor. (Jason Dias)

What did the spider do to the computer?
It made a web-page (Roey, 6)

What do you call an anxious green ogre?
A nervous shrek (Lesie, 12)

What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they were cornered?
Let us spray." (Daily Groaner)

'Why was the ghost given a bandage?
It had a boo-boo. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What did the depressed lake say to itself?
I'm not worth a dam. (Daily Groaner)

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
How are you, bud? (Meagan, 8)

Where do ghosts go to become pilots?
Fright-school! (Dennis,10)

What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you! (Cameron, 11)

Where did the fish find a job?
In the kelp wanted ads (Drew, 7)

How do ugly ducklings live?
Swan day at a time. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What did the cat say when it got hurt?
"Me Ow" (Shyanne, 7)

What do you call a woman sitting between a can marked C and a can
marked F?
Candy (Jason Dias)

What did last night put an end to?
Another day (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What does a dog say when he sits on sandpaper?
Ruff, ruff! (Kids Jokes)

What is the difference between a teacher and a train engineer?
A teacher trains the mind, the engineer minds the train (Betty Debnam:
Mighty Funnies)

Why did Mickey Mouse go into space?
Because he wanted to find Pluto! (Joe, 12)

What's a caterpillar's worst enemy?
A dogerpillar (Daily Groaner)

Where does NASA report a missing satellite?
In the orbituary column (Stan Kegel)

What has eight legs and goes up and down?
`A spider in an elevator. (Daily Groaner)

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Na-cho cheese! (Britney, 11)

What type of dog has no tail?
A hot dog! (Kids Jokes)

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What is a rock's favorite cereal?
Coco-pebbles! (Nicole, 10)

What do you call money for the pay toilet?
Johnny Cash. (Daily Groaner)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge
stack of old bills. (Michael Rogers)

Writers under pressure are, at present, tense (Mike Bull)

When I heard she bought me a new CD, the bend?
(Joan DeGrave)

Their guest bed feels like a rock. It creates a lot of hard feelings.
(Pun of the Day)

The chicken went to the middle of the road. She was going to lay it on
the line. (Mike Bull)

Perfume makers are dissented. (Douglas Helsel)

I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat but started to
reconsider when they gave me a stern look and asked for my capsize.
Then I went shopping for a boat trying to find one on sail. I found one
with a leak in the back, which was a stern warning. (Mike Bull)

"Have you ever seen a catfish?" "Yes, I have," "How did it hold the
rod?" (Bruce A. G. Calder)

Have you heard of the milliner who talked through his hat? (Joan
DeGrave)

Cooks are deranged. (Douglas Helsel)

Some music stores are in a CD part of town (Pun of the Day)

Have you heard of the banker who was pennywise and pound-foolish?
(Joan DeGrave)

The author that was charged with plagiarism was sentenced. (Tiff
Wimberly)

Programmers are decoded. (Douglas Helsel)

Eating chocolate chips in bed can create a cookie sheet. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

At a music store: 'hear here'. They sold note paper. It was a 'sound'
business practice. Sometimes the store didn't sell enough and got into
treble, which made their earnings a real clef-hanger. Usually by the
end of the month they were clarinet up. Once they were robbed, and
someone made away with the lute. However the robber tripped and had an
accidental. He didn't C sharp. (Mike Bull)

"Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"
"Then why aren't you laughing?" (Kevin, 11)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

�SMy uncle died one ear ago. What seems to be the delay in settling his
estate?⬝ �SBe patient, Mr. Fishhawk. Where there�"s a will there�"s a
wait.⬝ (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Executive Travel Agency �SEgo trips our specialty⬝ (Cartoon Stock:
Schwarkan)

Xerox never does anything original (Graffiti: Gene Mora

Baseball player at the plate receiving Heimlich maneuver: "There it is
� a big wad of gum. I swear every time Ted gets up to bat with runners
in scoring position, he chokes." (In the Bleachers: Steve Moore)

�SIt�"s disgusting. Someone knocked a big hole in the fence around the
nudest colony.⬝ �SDon�"t worry, Ma�"am. I�"ll look into it personally!⬝
(Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Today's cities suffer from hardening of the traffic arteries.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"How about a good night kiss?" "Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how
many germs there are in an average kiss?" "Don't worry, my dear, my
kisses are way below average. (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Today we visit Ernie Von Shoot to talk about some of his recent films:
And now you're planning an Arnold Schwarzenegger film in which his job
gets outsourced!" "Yes, I'll call it 'The Terminated'!" (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

�SIt�"s a known fact that monkeys have the worst breath in the world.
Haven�"t you heard of Scope�"s monkey trial? Some chimp�"s breath was so
bad that a mouthwash company sued him.⬝ (Get Fuzzy: Darby Conley)

�SWheeling out a corpse: �SWhat happened here, detective?⬝ �SPlacebo
overdose.⬝ �SYeah, we�"re pretty sure he only thinks he�"s dead.⬝ (Pardon
My Planet: Vic Lee)

When the meek inherit the earth, will it include real estate tax?
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

An eighty dollar green fee! I haven't even teed-off yet and I'm already
in the hole. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Mine shaft: "Hey, that kid works here? He must be twelve years old!
What about child labor laws Mora)




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Random Words - Random Word Finder or random word generator - Not a dictionary. Just a bunch of - Random Words and Word Search

[arizona_humor] Resume?

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT
to put on a resume.

=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high
levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is
unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are
not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction
behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too
seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave
drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is
unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel
free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on
my head!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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[arizona_humor] Puns of the Weak 07-19-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-19-04

THE ONE-LINERS

I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide detergent can wash
the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The slogan could be: "Tide, more
powerful than God!" (Damon Milhem)

His piano studies led him to the keys to success. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian
slips. (Sydes)

Some people use thimbles, and other people miss the point. (Pun of the
Day)

On the cost of marriage: "The cooing stops after a while, but the
billing goes on forever." (Frank Stewart)

What T-shirt does Psyche like to wear when she is out with her lover?
One that says, "I'm with Cupid" (Tiff Wimberly)

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower
opinion of him. (Henny Youngman)

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonites. (Gary Hallock)

A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after
you've been fingerprinted. (Martha Stewart)

Dating two sisters is a pretty hard task, especially when they both
live in the same convent. (Derek Winsworth)

If you get a butter substitute on your dinner rolls next time, give the
chef some slack and tell him, for this dinner, he had margarine of
error. (Edgar McAvoy)

Those who polish cars so they shine work in a buffer zone. (Tony
Thoennes)

What did Adam say when Eve took up fortune telling ?
"I love to watch her scan-tea leaves !" (Gunjan Saraf )

Before it's marinated, meat is pretender. (Norm S.)

Before you still your mind you are premeditation. (Alex Ramirez)

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week." I
said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same." (Henny Youngman)

I firmly believe that Faith can set me free. My only question is: When
is she going to get here with the bail money? (Phillip Garding)

As a man gets even older, he realizes there are basically only three
ways to wear your hair: parted, unparted, and departed. (Becky Shiles)

I was up to page 300 typing my autobiography, when I tripped over the
manuscript, fell on the dog and spilled whiskey all over the pages. But
that's just the story of my life. (Jerry L. Embry)

In 'Star Wars', when young Skywalker got to Leia's prison cell to
rescue her, he got a lukewarm reception. (Bob Dvorak)

His day job was astronomy but at night time he was moonlighting. (Pun
of the Day)

I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah's Witness said, "Can I talk to
you about God?" I responded, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
(CC4AA)

Before he turned around he was preface. (Norm S.)

Before painting his famous portrait daVinci had a premonition. (Bob
Dvorak)

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while
driving. (Ateeq)

Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!
(Douglas Helsel)

This weekend at the Home Depot the guy running the saw cut my wood
wrong; I don't think he was board certified. (Jason Dias)

He's frank and earnest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in
Chicago; he's Ernest. (Henny Youngman)

A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this
place." "That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them..." (Douglas
Helsel)

Every night I used to dream I had written the Lord of the Rings. Then I
realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep. (Chocobed)

The blank page is pretext (Norm S.)

When she started her diet she faced slim pickings. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlo />When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....
Remember Algebra (Anon.)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress.
(Mark Twain)

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get nervous and give
the wring answers. (Fry and Laurie)

How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are
on. (Albert Einstein)

Why is sex like a game of bridge
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. (Woody Allen)

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible. (Henny Youngman)

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any
difference. (Steven Wright)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
(Will Rogers)

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the Income Tax Form
than it does to make the income (Venky)

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. (Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and have the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)

Many a man's tongue broke his nose. (Seumas MacManus)

When you say you're a Padre, people ask when did you become a parent.
When you say you're a Cardinal, they tell you to work hard because the
next step is Pope. But when you say you're a Dodger, everybody knows
you're in the Major Leagues. (Tommy LaSorda)

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you. (Les Pourciau)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

"There's an old saying, 'Neurotics build castles in the air and
psychotics live in them.' My mother cleans them." (Rita Rudner)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)

The way to end highway congestion is to have the government build the
cars and private industry build the highways. (Will Rogers)

When I go to hell, I'm going to delight in saying, "But at least it's a
dry heat." (Chris Lipe)

I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records
people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure.''
(Chief Justice Earl Warren)

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Les
Pourciau)

Talk is cheap except when Congress does it. (Anon.)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark
Twain)

Worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it
doesn't get you anywhere. (Dorothy Galyean)

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone
who will leave them alone" (Elayne Boosler)

Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong. (Maurice Miller)

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to
be. (Paul Valery)

There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened. (Doug Adams)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark
Twain)

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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks
the barber about his bill. "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from
you. I am doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a
thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later a cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber, who replies, "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am
doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank
you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he
owes, the barber replies, "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I
am doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and
leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, two dozen
Democrats are lined up waiting for a free haircut!

BUSINESS RELATION

MR ESHI OLISE
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORRATION
LAGOS ? NIGERIA
TEL 234-1- 7598197
FAX 234-1-7597472
Dear Sir,

REQUEST FOR BUSINESS RELATION

I got your address and necessary information from a
business consultant in Nigerian and therefore picked a
keen interest for a business relationship.

I am a director with the Budget and Planning
Department in Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
(NNPC), Lagos. We, the members of the Tender?s Board
in collaboration with the contract Appraisal Director
in this corporation over inflated the contract value
(TURN ? AROUND MAINTENANCE (TAM) OF THE TWO OF THE
SOUTHERN REFINERIES) awarded in 1997 to an expatriate
firm with the consideration of 10% commission
agreement on the total contract value.

This contract has been completely executed and the
contractor has been paid all the phases? instalment
system agreed on, remaining US$31.00 Million. This
US$31.00 million represent 10% contract value
commission we demanded.

However, we ask for your hand in relationship by your
providing all necessary assistance for the fund to be
paid into your account. We hereby solicit your account
number where the fund will be remitted into since it
is not possible for us to claim it here in Nigeria, it
is our intention to invest some part of it?s in your
business (if you accept ) and other viable companies
with your advice, some part would be used in the
purchase of finished products from your country for
sale in Nigeria while the balance you would help us to
put in a fiduciary or trust account.

If this business offer interest you, we agree to give
you a commission of 30%of the money, 10% will be set
aside for any miscellaneous expenses any party may
incur during the process of the transfer. Some part of
the 60% which is our share will used for the
importation of your products while the remaining may
be kept for any other investment you may advice.

All modalities to effect the transfer of the fund has
been worked out and there is absolutely no risk
involved, IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS
IS ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENTIAL AS WE ARE STILL WORKING
WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

It is pertinent also, to note at this point that
importation of your product will be continual, hence
if this business transaction is successful and in
completion (i.e. when the money gets to your account)
we shall have a face to face meeting for closer
deliberation because we will resign from the
government services to private business.

If you are interested, reply to me by my Tell and Fax
number given above. You have to enclose details of
telephone and fax number easy communication, name of
your bank, phone fax telex number and account numbers
where this money will be lodge.

Please, if there is any other information, I will let
you know and you have question you are free to ask me.

Yours Faithfully.

MR ESHI OLISE.

[arizona_humor] Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See!

Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See!


1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job
with a better company someday.

2) It's only unethical if you get caught.

3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
due to budget cuts.

4) We put the "k" in "kwality."

5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the
right thing.

6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural
Stupidity!

7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably
has a scapegoat.

8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.

9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no
work! We are union members!

10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

11) Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries
with that?"

12) If at first you don't succeed, try management.

13) Never quit until you have another job.

14) The floggings will continue until morale improves!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate
and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his
blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

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