Funny Jokes

7.31.2004

[arizona_humor] John Kerry and Navy Swift Boat Veterans & Kerry unfit for office --




Since Stan Kegel found it necessary to promote Kerry maybe this
will wake up a few of Kerry supporters to what he really is.
Tom

July 30, 2004, Informational Advisory :
New Web Site Launched

*Please FORWARD THIS ADVISORY to your email list of family, friends and
associates AND POST IT ON YOUR WEBSITE!*

Alexandria, Virginia -- Swift Boat Veterans for Truth announced today that
it has launched a freshly overhauled web site to present accurate
information about John Kerry's brief tour in Vietnam and counter his false
claims about our own service there. Visitors will find the new site packed
with more interactivity and more information - including the infamous photo
of Swift Boat officers Mr. Kerry misused. Visit www.swiftvets.com
-- and check back periodically for updates.

A REQUEST: Please reply via email with the number of individuals to whom
youâ¬"ve forwarded this advisory. If youâ¬"ve posted this on your website,
please advise the average number of monthly visitors.

For the press: direct inquiries to media@swiftvets.com
. For all other inquiries: admin@swiftvets.com
.

Thank you for your interest in the truth and your service to our country.

Kerry unfit for office -- sign petition to prosecute!
From: mailer@federalist.com




(Please forward this invitation to friends, family members, and
fellow American Patriots.)

It's official. John F. Kerry is the Democrat Party nominee for
President. But is he fit for office?

Kerry has a long and well-documented history of providing "aid and
comfort" to the enemy in time of war -- particularly in the case of
North Vietnam, Nicaragua and Cuba. Kerry, by his own account of his
actions and protests, violated the UCMJ, the Geneva Conventions and
the U.S. Code while serving as a Navy officer. Kerry met, on two
occasions, with North Vietnamese negotiators in 1970 and 1971,
willingly placing himself in violation of Article three, Section
three of the U.S. Constitution, which defines treason as "giving aid
and comfort" to the enemy in time of warfare.

Kerry was recognized for such "aid and comfort" in 1983, when he
received an award for special contributions to the Communist victory
from the incoming general secretary of the Communist Party of
Vietnam, Comrade Do Moi. (See photos at
http://kerry-04.org/war/record.php ).

Thus, in accordance with the Constitution's Fourteenth Amendment,
Section 3, which states, "No person shall be a Senator or
Representative in Congress, or elector of President and
Vice-President ... having previously taken an oath ... to support
the Constitution of the United States, [who has] engaged in
insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort
to the enemies thereof," We, the People of these United States,
believe John F. Kerry is unfit for public office.

Please join your fellow Patriots and sign the petition demanding
that John Kerry be prosecuted for "giving aid and comfort to the
enemy" and disqualified for national office. Link to --

http://PatriotPetitions.US/Kerry

(If you don't have Web access, please send a blank e-mail to:

Each e-mail sent to this address will be counted as one signature
for the petition.)

PLEASE -- forward this invitation to Patriot family members, friends
and associates.

(Circulation of this petition is being sponsored by The Federalist
Patriot, the most widely read conservative e-journal on the
Internet. If you have not already joined the ranks of Patriots
receiving The Federalist Patriot, we encourage you to do so. Th double click to see larger view












[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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[arizona_humor] Groaners of the Weak 07-31-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-31-04

THE GROANERS

A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be
gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and
when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in
the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about
their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this
afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the
press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out
tomorrow (Cynthia MacGregor)

This the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a
rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress
the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself. One day,
after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the
rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that
would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a
wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The woodcarver
wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to
see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let
the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained
their problem. The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean
that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the
shoe would win. You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the
coin, caught it and peeked. Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the
haredresser knew for sure. (Sandy Sibert)

The soprano was hungry and refused to sing the opera if she didn't have
something to eat first. Misjudging the time before her cue, she grabbed
a huge bite of a pastrami sandwich just as the stage manager hissed,
"You're on," and so the audience had to listen to Carmen through the
rye. (Cynthia MacGregor)

At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, but
it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The
waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor and was
making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the
freshly cooked sausage on a small plate and said, "Here you are." And
the customer said, "Look. It's the missing link!" (Arca Max)

A college fraternity was hosting an all-night binge drinking party but
they had only one toilet. With constant use all evening, it wasn't long
before the commode backed up and flooded them out. I guess you could
say the spirits were swilling but the flush was weak. (Gary Hallock)

Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill
toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take
the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I
overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying, "There goes Dad again, . . .
making fountains out of mole hills." (Douglas Helsel)

In a recent NBC poll in which people were asked whether they would
prefer to kill a minstrel or to kill a mime, nearly 83 percent
chose to shoot the minstrel. You see, they all agreed that a mime
is a terrible thing to waste. (Venky)

Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a Mick
Jagger solo album. Unfortunately, I tripped, and the Jagger L. P. flew
out of my hand like a Frisbee and broke two records featuring Roger
McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and Michael Clarke.
Sadly, I had to pay. As he was collecting the damages, the owner said,
"You killed two Byrds with one Stone!" (Archives)

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in m exasperated,
finally showed up at a meeting leading a female sheep. "If you don't
like my ideas," he snorted, "why don't you just make this sheep head of
council?" For I once they agreed with him. As one man, they rose to
their feet and sang, . . . "We only have ayes for ewe!" (Archives)

There was a show on TV when I was a kid called "You Asked for It."
People would write in asking to see something they were curious about,
and it would be filmed for the show. My uncle happened to be present
when a crew were filming San Francisco's Lombard Street for a viewer
request, and having an incredible series of SNAFU's and delays. He
remembered an exasperated director shouting, "Come on! Come on! Let's
get this road on the show!" (Daily Groaner)

A woman goes to this Dr Goldberg because she isn't feeling well. She
returns home crying. "What's wrong?", her husband asks. "The doctor
says I've got tuberculosis and I'm going to die yet". The husband calls
the doctor for confirmation of the diagnosis. He returns to the wife.
"Dear, you misunderstood. . . . The doctor said you have too big a
tochus and you've got to diet." (Tochus = Rump) (Gill Ross)

I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a
beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly
and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become
quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn?t walk in
the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions
to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work.
Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him
singing, "Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage" (Stan Kegel)

The mother tried dressing up foods to make them more attractive to her
child, but the four-year-old refused to eat almost everything. Finally
the mother hit on a scheme to use herbs and lay them out in the shape
of favorite story characters on top of the foods she served, and thus
tempt her child. Her first attempt--recreating William Tell, arrow and
all, out of rosemary--was a failure, and so was her second try, when
she shaped Miss Muffet's spider out of thyme. But at last she
succeeded: Realizing that her child was crazy for dogs, she created a
Pooh dill. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Little did the homophobic Neanderthal know that his locker-room
cat-calls directed toward Ben as a child would later inspire the young
lad when it came time to name the ointment the old guy now uses to
soothe his daily aches and pains. (Brad Simanek)

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an
appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said
doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't
say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!" (Jeremy E.
Alperin)

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind
comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back
to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and
all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on
the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are
knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over
and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies "We
passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he
went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my
story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because he'll
get verse before he gets butter!" (By Carl Hess)

Long ago there was a kingdom where the King wore a brightly colored
vest instead of a crown. The vest was adorned with all different colors
of berries to make it beautiful. Maintaining this vest was difficult
because it needed freshening daily. In order to do this, his people
would go into the mountains with big nets. They would throw the nets
over the berry bushes, and snare the fresh berries for the King. The
people valued and honored this vest as the symbol of the throne. And so
it was a tragedy when one day the colors on the King's vest were fading
badly. The people were asked to bring in fresh berries, but there were
none to be had. The King looked very bad, so much so that he so he
issued this proclamation, "A reward will be paid for those who snare
enough to mend the berry vest." (Harry Tilden)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one
such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed
the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to
speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call
you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your
number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three." (Douglas Helsel)

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner
became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat
your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other,
shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches. (Terry Galen)

My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son,
Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally
said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God
didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he
make so much of it?" (Douglas Helsel)

Mr. Liebowitz, having grown fabulously wealthy, was set out to retire
and, for the purpose, had had built a huge mansion in exurbia.
Proudly, he displayed this house and all its glories to a party of old
friends. Finally, they arrived at the dining room, a chamber so large
that from one end, the other end appeared a hazy blue with distance.
Liebowitz pointed to the lovely mahogany table that ran the full length
of the room and said, "And in this one room, we can entertain, at one
time, as many as a hundred and twenty people -- G~d forbid." (Irene
Ariel Mystery)

Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old. On one of those
occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachable moment' with her when
she said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty, your
children will be naughty too?" Nancy started to giggle, louder and
louder. "And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked. "So what
did YOU do?!?" (Fun World)

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening
and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were
astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he
was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a
jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an
accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When
asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after
only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. " new department
to gather data on an increasing number of HIV cases contracted at strip
clubs. Somehow the female dancers are getting the infection from
intense stares by men with HIV. The new disease is being called ? What?
Visual Aids (Gary Reeves )

What World War II weapon was invented by a singing cowboy movie star?
A Tom Mix Bomb (Stan Kegel)

As a part of their treatment, doctors often will introduce radioactive
material into the digestive tract of a cancer patient. Obviously not
all such patients survive and many are subsequently interred in the
cemetery. So many, in one case, that the neighbors began to complain
about an eerie glow coming from the graveyard at night. The EPA finally
intervened and informed the morticians that they would have switch to
cremation or some other method of disposal. Specifically, what were
they told they could no longer do with these bodies?
You canâ¬"t barium enema (Gary Hallock)

Two psychiatrists got together and ventured quite successfully into
the modern music scene. In so doing they created a whole new variation
on a popular genre. What was it called?
Shrink Rap (Lars Hanson)

The method actor landed a gig as a gangland `problem solver' off off
Broadway. After his first performance, the critics were quite harsh
but, after his second performance in a deserted parking garage)
They were blown away. (Jason Dias)

After Mexican Food for dinner, a co-worker was especially ripe the next
day. It got so bad that the rest of us drew straws to see who would
confront him. I lost. I told him, "Dude! You've got to do something!
There's a cloud of stench surrounding you!" He just laughed and said,
"That's my rising sign." I stared with disbelief. "What has that smell
got to do with your horoscope?" I asked. He chuckled and said, "It's
the symbol for Sagittarius. It's my ⬦?
Scent aura (Clynch Varnadore)

What type of pastry might have four and twenty blackbirds baked into it?
A Mag Pie (Cynthia MacGregor)

What country is the cleanest in the world?
Ivory Coast (Scott Ryan)

What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place
a hex on a taxicab?
A spell checker (Gary Hallock)

What play is about a faithful young woman who is publicly accused of
infidelity by her beau to her deep embarrassment?
The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)

What orchestral instrument does an Idaho spud play?
The tuber (Cynthia MacGregor)

A soprano could not get the attention of the lead male singer that
could hit those low low notes. The reason was that he was having an
affair with the oboe player, who was learning to play another wind
instrument with an even lower pitch. So, when the soprano made her
moves the oboe player could only privately smirk because she knew ?
What?
"She would have the bass soon." (Gary Reeves)

What is the name of the House-Senate Conference Committee that is
considering legislation to legalize Cannabis products when used for
medical purposes?
A Joint Session of Congress (Stan Kegel)

Where do elderly photographers go to live out their declining years?
The Old Focus Home (Gary Hallock)

If my motherâ¬s sisterâ¬s daughter and I opened a restaurant together,
what might we call it?
Cousin Cusine (Cynthia MacGregor)

What is the favorite Old Testament book of kitchen counter top
installers?
Laminations (David Bunch)

What saint chased the snakes out of Ireland three times?
St. Hat-Trick (Cynthia MacGregor)

A doctor whose office was in a suburban shopping center was
successfully sued for what?
Mall Practice (Stan Kegel)

Why are most monkeys not interested in politics?
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[arizona_humor] Weakly Humerus News 07-30-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 7-30-04

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Queen being interviewed: â¬SWhat happened to Snow White was just the work
of a few bad apples.⬝ (Six Chix: Telnaes)

Do you realize we're less than four months from election day and less
than six months from the final recount?" (Jay Leno)

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone
stupid enough to want the job. (Erma Bombeck)

Elephant: â¬STsk, tsk The Democrats are sooo angry! Why, youâ¬"d think weâ¬"d
stolen an election, misused 9/11 for political reasons, misled the
American people, invaded a country that wasnâ¬"t a treat, made America
less safe, or something. (Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Democrats were reluctant to allow Al-Jazeera in their convention,
because they thought their coverage would be biased and hostile. Then
they realized it couldn't be any worse than Fox News. (Jay Leno)

Some good news comes out of this 'shove it' controversy: Teresa Heinz
and Dick Cheney just formed a rap group. (Craig Kilborn)

According to a poll in Time magazine, 53 percent of people say it's
time for someone else to be president. The other 47 percent said they
were happy with Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

CBS did not carry the convention last night. You know you're in trouble
when you're too dull for CBS. (David Letterman)

After accidentally broadcasting another on-air obscenity last night,
CNN is now promising to be more careful at the GOP convention next
month... so it won't broadcast Dick Cheney's speech at all. (Jake
Novak)

New study shows nation's major convention facilities are in
neighborhoods with crime rates much higher than national average. But
deduct prostitution and they're about average. (The Wit Wizard)

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

â¬SMr. Murdock, there seems to be growing evidence that exposure to Fox
News makes you misinformed. For instance, one study found that Fox
viewers were thee times more likely to believe WMDs had been found than
viewers of PBS Doesnâ¬"t it bother you that youâ¬"re making your viewers
stupider?⬝ â¬SNo. We report. They decide.⬝ â¬SBut shouldnâ¬"t your guys wink
or something?⬝ (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

â¬SMr. Murdock, can a network that has five times more conservative
guests than progressive seriously call itself â¬SBalanced⬝? â¬SIt can and
it does. Look, I got to run.⬝ â¬SI understand, sir. Thanks for your time.
Okay, letâ¬"s take a few calls. The first caller is ⬦ Can this be right?
⬦ Bill Oâ¬"Reilly! Mr. Oâ¬"Reilly! What an honor to ⬦⬝ â¬SSHUT UP1 Okay? Just
SHUT UP!⬝ (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

White House: â¬SWhat are his vulnerabilities, Karl?⬝ â¬SWell, Edwards was a
lawyer for years. If thereâ¬"s a more unpopular profession, I donâ¬"t know
it.⬝ â¬SYeah, I hate lawyers, ever since The University of Texas law
school rejected me.⬝ â¬SRejected a Bush? How is that possible?⬝ â¬SLife is
always unfair, Karl.⬝ â¬SWow! Fooled me, Sir.⬝ (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

Meanwhile at the Kerry Compound: â¬SIâ¬"ve got it, sir! We can say that
Bush operatives drugged Bill Cosby and implanted subliminal personal
responsibility messages into his brain.⬝ â¬SGreat idea!⬝ â¬Sâ¬"Actually, I
got it from Michael Moore. Heâ¬"s working on his next movie.⬝ (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

My Campain Diary by John Kerry: â¬S⬦ Been on the trail with John-boy for
three weeks now. Iâ¬"m handling our past disagreements. Iâ¬"m handling our
regional differe My message to terrorists and rogue nations
is sharp and firm. Try anything and my vice-president will sue your
pants off. (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

â¬SThis is just in. The Supreme Court rules that the Executive Branch
cannot hold prisoners in secret jails for years without giving them
access to due process.⬝ â¬SDidnâ¬"t we know that already?⬝ â¬S⬝The court also
found that the earth is, indeed, round.⬝ (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

â¬SBig News! Michael Moore is coming to Prickly City to make a film.⬝
â¬SWow! Heâ¬"s done what no one had thought possible. Heâ¬"s made Oliver
Stone look rational.⬝ (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

â¬SCritical undecided voter, which candidate are you leaning towards?⬝
â¬SWell, Bush has had his problems lately. He seems to like to lie a lot.
I mean, a lot. Like lied about Saddam having something to do with 9/11
and he lied about all those weapons in Iraq that they never found. Now
all those people died in Iraq for, like, a make-up reason. Plus, I just
got fired â¬cause, like, my job went to India or something. Man, I donâ¬"t
have health insurance, Iâ¬"m all anxious about those vague terrorism
alerts, I canâ¬"t afford gas. Basically, life stinks and itâ¬"s all Bushâ¬"s
fault. But on the other hand, I hear that Kerry might be a little
wishy-washy on some issues. So, right now I could go either way.⬝
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Prison Guard: â¬SYou were right. Horizontal bars DO make the cells look
more spacious. Thanks for the tip, Martha.⬝ (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)

Man to child holding a flag: â¬SWhat is that? An uber-critical defense
shield?⬝ â¬SBetter than that. Itâ¬"s the cloak of compliance. Used
properly, it forces people to comply with your every wish or risk the
scourge of de-patriotization!⬝ â¬SNo, I donâ¬"t think you need a plasma TV
in your room, Diana.⬝ â¬SWhy do you hate America so much, Daddy?⬝ (Non
Sequitur: Wiley)

Karl Rowe & The President: â¬SKarl, so far this year Bergerâ¬"s been caught
stealing secret memos, the New York Times admitted to being a liberal
paper, Kerryâ¬"s AWOL from the Senate, Clarkeâ¬"s been cited as a liar,
Democrats even promoted their Detroit â¬Motor Cityâ¬" speech by issuing
passes with a photo of a $320,000 Rolls-Royce convertible!⬝ â¬SI know! I
know!⬝ â¬STell me again why I need you. Karl?⬝ â¬SDamned if I know.⬝ (Day
By Day: Chris Muir)

Thartâ¬"s it, Spider. Seeing that old homeboy has made me sad. Iâ¬"m done
with the thug life!⬝ â¬SYouâ¬"re quitting the gang?⬝ â¬SIâ¬"m going straight.
Iâ¬"ll even register to vote for president.⬝ â¬SYouâ¬"re a felon, Homes. You
canâ¬"t vote for president. But you could work in his administration.⬝
(La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

In an incredible turn of events, Robert Mueller, FBI director, is
warning the American people that there is a very high possibility that
John Kerry will be nominated as the Democratic candidate for the
presidential race next week during the Democratic National Convention.
(Marcelo Lewin)

I have arrived in Boston, and the security is SERIOUS. There are police
officers, dogs, army guys, helicopters... and that's just in my hotel
room. (Dave Barry)

As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how
much time the major networks are going to devote to convention
coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three
nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we
devote to finding an â¬SAmerican Idol. " (Jay Leno)
While the Democrats are up in Boston, the Republicans are down in
Florida tinkering with the voting machines. (David Letterman)

Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic Convention and some reporters
loved his speech. They got all pumped up and started chanting Four More
Whores. (Craig Kilborn)

Here's something I couldn't believe. You know who's in Boston to cover
the convention? Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network. How'd you like to be
the guy in line behind the Al-Jazeera crew when they go through
security? (Jay Leno)

Former President Clinton did not give the keynote address. However, he
did give a key, a note and his address to a waitress who was working
the concession stand (Jay Leno)

How about Bubba? Watching that speech, he had to stop 23 times for
applause and 3 times for sex (David Letterman)

Last night Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards promised to get all
Americans a chance at higher education... which could only mean he
plans on suing every college in the country. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry accepts the Democratic nomination on Thursday. He has urged
his party to strike a positive tone during the campaign. With waffles,
you've got to have syrup. (Alan Ray)

Illinois senatorial candidate Barak Obama, he's the new rising star of
the Democratic party. He gave the keynote address at the Democratic
convention. When they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said,
"Isn't that the guy we can't find? Why don't we grab him? He was right
there!" (Jay Leno)

John Edwards spoke to the Democratic Convention Wednesday. He said
President Bush has created two Americas, one for the rich and one for
everyone else. You have to admit, it's quite an accomplishment for a
guy just six years out of baseball. (Argus Hamilton)

Democrats leave the convention today after an unprecedented display of
party unity. It was weird. The Democrats were almost too well-behaved
considering they were in Boston, a city whose nickname in England will
forever be Fallujah by the Bay. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

The National Guard has been put on alert for possible deployment during
the Republican National Convention next month in Manhattan. The troops
will be assigned the difficult task of shielding the delegates from
chemical, biological and radiological weapons... and after they shut
down all the hot dog stands, they'll go after the terrorists. (Jake
Novak)

1984 * 20 YEARS LATER

â¬SWar is Peace⬝ (George Orwell)
â¬SI donâ¬"t like being called a War President. I want to be called the
Peace President.⬝ (Big Brother GWB)

Doublespeak: I am a compassionate Republican. I support a
constitutional amendment which would make your thirteen year old
daughter who became pregnant by forcible rape an accomplice to murder
if the pregnancy is terminated. (Big Brother GWB)

IN THE NEWS * 9/11 COMMISSION

The September 11th Commission handed the report on terror threats to
Congress on Thursday. Congress responded by going on a six-week planned
recess. There's no national emergency that will ever be urgent enough
to cancel a month of fundraisers.(Argus Hamilton)

Congress: The 9/11 Commission has warned us that another attack is
coming. They have given us sound recommendations that would help keep
us safer. We must take action now. Be swift. Itâ¬"s our duty. But first,
lets go on vacation for six weeks.⬝ (Chris Britt, The Illinois State
Journal-Register)

They released the 9/11 report today and President Bush wasted no time
not reading it. (David Letterman)

Just hours after the commission on 9/11 published its official report,
President Bush proposed that a new commissi />with Vice President Cheney on all the big words. (Alan Ray)

THE NEWS * DICK CHENEY & GEORGE W. BUSH

Cheney to Bush: â¬SI donâ¬"t know how to tell you this, but if we want to
win the election, Iâ¬"m gonna have to dump you from the ticket. Nothing
personal , of course.⬝ (Pat Oliphant, The Washington Post)

Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise
taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very
difficult to raise taxes when you are not president. (Craig Kilborn)

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the
only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.
(Jay Leno)

The Bush administration announced this week they want to lift the ban
on logging. This is part of their No Tree Left Behind program. (Jay
Leno)

President George W. Bush says he will study the 9/11 Commission report.
This is a historic moment. The words â¬SGeorge W. Bush⬝ and â¬Sstudy⬝ used
in the same sentence. (Alan Ray)

President Bush fell off his bicycle while exercising at his ranch in
Texas yesterday. Officials say no essential parts of his body were
injured, which means he must have only hit his head. (Jake Novak)

President Bush fell off his mountain bike in Texas. It was his own
fault. His foot got caught in one of the training wheels. (Alan Ray)

As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President
Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation!
Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The
vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off
every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.
(Craig Kilborn)

After tumbling from his mountain bike for the second time in as many
months, President George W. Bush today named the bicycle to the Axis of
Evil.Mr. Bush told the American people that the offending bike would
take the slot in the Axis vacated by Iraq when the U.S. toppled Saddam
Hussein in 2003. And while Mr. Bush stopped short of linking the
mountain bike with the former Iraqi strongman, his speech hinted at a
possible connection between the two. (Andy Borowitz)

Someone ought to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a
light bulb and screwing the country. (Sydes)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry threw out the first pitch in tonight's Yankees/Red Sox game,
the pitch went left then right, then right then left, the right again,
and finally landed on the fence. (Craig Kilborn)

Before John Kerry threw out the first ball before last nights
Yankee/Red Sox game, he asked, "Where do you want me on the field? I
can take any position." (Jay Leno)

John Edwards addresses the Democratic Convention tonight. The
convention is expecting a barnburner. Senator Edwards is known around
Washington as Our Tony Blair, meaning he is brilliant, he is
spellbinding, and he will believe anything the CIA tells him (Argus
Hamilton)

"Have you heard the John Kerry slogan? The theme is 'a lifetime of
strength and service.' Do you really want to run on an old Maytag
slogan?" (David Letterman)

John Kerry at Podium: "When this is over, every man woman and child in
America will know the real John Kerry, who I am and what I stand for.?
Spectator: "Hey, look. It's the guy from the Bush commercials." (David
Catrow, The Springfield News-Sun)

Sen. John Edwards retracted his statement about there being two
Americas, saying that he had gotten that information from Mapquest.
(Andy Borowitz)

Teresa Heinz told a reporter to go "shove it" the other day. When
Hillary heard about it she said "You go girl." Jo with lipstick all over his face. (Argus Hamilton)

Did you all hear former President Clinton's speech Monday night? It was
great. ... You know it made me kind of nostalgic. It reminded me of a
different time when presidents could actually talk. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER

Presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced today that his campaign
would not advertise on reality shows because people who are likely to
vote for him do not like reality (Andy Borowitz)

IN THE NEWS * SANDY BERGER

New item at the Clinton Cronies Caf©: Stuffed Berger (J. D. Crowe, The
Mobile Register)

What's the big deal? Lots of guys wear briefs. (Frank J.)

IN THE NEWS * THE CIA

An American woman was arrested today on charges she spied for Iraq from
1999-2002. The CIA says she may have learned the agency's most
sensitive secrets; like how to use white-out on forged weapons
documents (Fred Barling)

IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN

Republicans say the Democratic Convention is nothing but an episode of
"extreme makeover." Democrats are responding by characterizing
President Bush's first four years in office as back-to-back episodes of
"Big Brother," and "Fear Factor." (Jake Novak)

This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I
remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country." And those were great quotes.
What do we have this year? We had "shove it," "girlie men," and Dick
Cheney saying, "Go f yourself!" (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE COURTS

A federal court has upheld Alabamaâ¬"s ban on sex toys. Opponents in the
state argued privacy rights. What happens in a bedroom should be
between two consenting cousins. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

Using the Patriot Act, John Ashford announced today that heretofore
video and audio recorders will be placed in each room of all domestic
hotels, motels and bed and breakfast establishments. A separate book
will be kept on any individuals displaying suspicious activities or
activities that might be helpful in future election campaigns. These
will be called the "Peeping Tomes". (Stan Kegel)

War On Terror: A comprehensive marketing strategy to ensure the
reelection of George Bush in 2004, by embroiling the United States in
war for decades to come. (Geov Parrish)

Terrorist: Anybody who dislikes George Bush's policies. (Geov Parrish)

Even the Bush Administration was stirred by John Kerry's decision to
begin last night's speech by saying he was "reporting for duty"... so
they're sending him to Fallujah. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

A congressional committee released a report proving conclusively that
Y2K was indeed the end of the world, but the Clinton administration
covered it up. (Paul Benoit)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

The federal Bureau of Labor Statistics says workers' paychecks aren't
keeping up with inflation. Says VP Cheney, "It's nothing a few hours of
picking bottles and cans out of city trash cans can't fix." (Paul
Benoit)

Alan Greenspan: â¬SNew jobs in America are low-paying because our workers
lack the necessary knowledge.⬝ Q: â¬SOf what?⬝ A. G: â¬SChinese, Hindi,
Vietnamise and whatever they speak in Macau.⬝ (Signe Wilkinson, The
Philadelphia Daily News)

Hummer is coming out with a new model that's reasonable priced at
$30,000. Of course that's still less than it costs to fill up the tank.
(Jake Novak)

Police near Los Angeles say the manager of a new Hooters restaurant
secretly videotaped at least 82 women who were applying for jobs. The
man allegedly taped the women as they this ruling
is overturned former men who are now physically women will have to use
menâ¬"s rest rooms and former women who are now physically men will have
to use womenâ¬"s rest rooms or would be in violation of current Florida
health and safety laws. (Stan Kegel)

A computer crash wiped out voting records from Miami-Dade County's
touch screen voting machines. ... A voting problem in Florida? ...
Nooooo! Officials were shocked. They said, "We had voting records? Who
knew?" The good news, officials said this will not impact the election
in November. Those votes will be counted and lost by hand! (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ !ALIFORNIA

Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is "more compassionate
and considerate than he's ever been." Yeah, for example, now when he
grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterward. (Conan O'Brien)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ TEXAS

Flooding rages in North Texas. Itâ¬"s caused a driving nightmare. On some
roads, the water is all the way up over motoristsâ¬" gun racks. (Alan
Ray)

IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

Afghanistan's new government is still having trouble fighting off
remaining elements of the Taliban. U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell
is promising to send aid, just as soon as the Mullahs finish helping
the administration figure out more ways to fight gay marriage and
broadcast indecency. (Jacob Novak)

Bush discussed counterterrorism with visiting Romanian Prime Minister
Adrian Nastase. At the conclusion of their meeting, the president asked
Nastase to personally convey his best wishes to the Holy Father upon
his return home. (The Wit Wizard)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Saddam Hussein is reportedly penning poetry in prison. Itâ¬"s a struggle
at times. He often suffers writerâ¬"s cellblock. (Alan Ray)

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Iraqi resistance in the
Sunni triangle resembles America's Indian Wars over a century ago.
There's no sign of surrender. In Tikrit, the sign on the wall at the
Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouse reads, Uzi Does It (Argus Hamilton)

Secretary of State Colin Powell promised Iraqi leaders today that the
United States will speed up spending to create more jobs in Baghdad. So
corporations can now look forward to a big new tax cut for outsourcing
American jobs to Iraq. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

A state appeals court has ruled that a sperm donor must pay child
support for his two biological children. The man insists he can't
afford any financial support, but like most sperm donors, he'll always
be willing to lend them a hand. (Jake Novak)

Ditka a Republican? Is that one of those fine-print side effects of
Viagra? (Bill Scheft)

The West Nile Virus made a deadly appearance in Southern California
Thursday, causing many to stay indoors. It's a fluke that it was
diagnosed. Any disease that inflicts listlessness and brain damage
could go undetected for years in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

A new study shows obesity will soon overtake tobacco as the number one
preventable killer in America. The news is outraging politicians who
are demanding fast food companies start giving them just as many
illegal campaign donations as they get from the cigarette makers.
(Fred Barling)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

Greece asked NATO Thursday for a presence in Athens in case the
Olympics are attacked by al-Qaeda. Everyone's skills can be utilized.
The U.S. will provide the armor, Britain the air cover, Germany the
street patrol, and France the evacuation. (Argus Hamilton)

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France in Paris on Sunday. The race was
easy to follow this year. The bicyclists went through six diffe
Actor Robert Blake won a 2 month postponement in his murder trial. You
know at this point, his wife probably would've died of old age. Or of
natural causes. (Jay Leno)

Playboy released a video game that lets you play Hugh Hefner in the
Playboy Mansion. In this game, the more money you make, the more stars
you meet and the more women you get. It's a principle better known in
Los Angeles as the Golden Rule. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Jackson denies a rumor that he will become the father of four
kids. How does he keep a child quiet at night? He gives him hush money.
(Alan Ray)

President Bush is inadvertently the star of one of the top grossing
movies in the country now that "Fahrenheit 9/11" has made more than
$100 million. Of course, he's still playing second-fiddle to his wife,
who is the subject of the even more popular "I Robot." (Jake Novak)

The judge in the child molestation case against pop star Michael
Jackson is pushing back the start of the trial to January 31, 2005. Now
Jackson has more time to prepare his legal defense, refute new charges
in the news media, and have 3 more plastic surgeries. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

To celebrate the 35th anniversary of the moon landing, President Bush
met with Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong. ... There was one awkward
moment, when Bush said to Armstrong, “I hear you're doing great in the
Tour-de-France." (Conan O'Brien)

Actor Robert Blake won a 2 month postponement in his murder trial. You
know at this point, his wife probably would've died of old age. Or of
natural causes. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Capital Steps on the men Kerry had to choose from for his
vice-presidential choice:




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7.30.2004

[arizona_humor] Shopping

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large
supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere
in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife
suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for
her!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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7.29.2004

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change
for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi
War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I
lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like
an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your viewers would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking time to read
my letter.


Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein

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[arizona_humor] Cockroach conversation...

Two cockroaches decided to visit their favorite restaurant. While the larger of the two was enjoying his meal, the smaller one said, "You wouldn't believe the house I just left. It was spotless...the lady had to be a cleanaholic! Everything was immacualte...the sink, the counter, the floors! You couldn't find a crumb anywhere."

The other cockroach stopped his munching, looked with some annoyance at his companion, and said, "Do you have to talk like that while I'm eating?"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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[arizona_humor] The painter...

FW: Tradesman.....There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in
making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to
make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for
some time.

Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack
put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got
the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks,
and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when
suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the
rain> poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking
Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no
more!"


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




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[arizona_humor] power outage --- 4 all the women who need a good laugh


I know my memory's fading.  I actually kept my mammogram appointment.  I
chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room.  Both the chairs
and
conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why
I
was there and asked the man.  "So...what are you here for?"


Talk about a show stopper.  Dead silence, just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced
my name in her best baritone voice.  I thought, "Great..a name to match the
idiot."


I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.  Rounding
the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"  This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need
you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn
slip
on this gown.  Everything clearrrr?"


I'm thinking, "Belinda...try decaf.  This ain't rocket science."  Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.  Call me crazy, but I suspect
a
man invented this machine.  It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to
a
size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.  Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything nice...it's Spandex.  We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into
shape.


With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and
said, "Hmmmm.  Can you stand on your tippy toes and move in a tad so we can
get everything?"  Fine, I answered.  I was freezing, bruised and out of air,
so
why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?


My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then
felt, "zap!"  Complete darkness.  "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is
working. 
Bet they hit a snag."


Belinda headed for the door.  "Excuse me!  You're not leaving are you?" I
shouted.  Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy.... the door's
wide op
en so you'll have the emergency hall lights.  I'll be righttttt backkkk!"


Before I could shout "NO!", she disappeared.  And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of
me
dangling from the Jaws of Life.  After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it
going,"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I
knew the power was off.


Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible.
"Uh, yes...yes, we did, thanks."


"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been
standing in the line at the grocery store.


Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh, I am soooo sorry!  The
power
came back on and I so totally forgot about you!  And silly me, I went to
lunch. 
Are we upset?"


And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...



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[arizona_humor] crack pots

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots,each hung on the ends of
a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a in it
while the other pot was perfect
and always delivered a full portion of water.
  At the end of the long walk
from the stream to the house, the
cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily,
with the woman bringing home only one
and a half pots of water.
    Of course, the perfect pot was proud
of its accomplishments.
But the poor
cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it
could only do half of what
it had been made to do.
    After 2 years of what it perceived to be
bitter failure, it spoke
to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this
crack in my side causes water to leak out
all the way back to your house."
    The old woman smiled,
"Did you notice that there are flowers on
your side of the path,
but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have
always known about your flaw,
so I planted flower seeds on your side
of the path, and
every day while we walk back,
you water them." "For two years I have
been able to pick these beautiful flowers
to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are,
there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
    Each of us has our own unique flaw.
so it's the cracks and flaws we each
have that make our lives together
so very interesting and rewarding.
    You've just got to take each person
for what they are and look for
the good in them.
    To all of my crackpot friends,
have a great day and remember to smell
the flowers...



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During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, and asked
if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
with her hand on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady. A grandmother
type, well spoken, and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know me?'"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people, and talk badly about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot, when you
haven't the sense to realize that you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments.
Then he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors'
faces, not to mention the court reporter, who documented every word.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across t he room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a bad drinking problem.
The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. I might also mention, he
has cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted, and was seen slipping downward
in his chair, looking at the floor.

Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom, and
the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the
courtroom to silence.

Then he called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet
voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're
going to jail."

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7.28.2004

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East Valley Living - Phoenix Business Directory Listings - List your East Valley of Phoenix Arizona business phone listings free in the directory.

phoenix business directory

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[arizona_humor] Speedy Checkout!

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local
supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few
condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having
a few
friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item
express
lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely
ignoring
the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him
pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly
cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever
so
sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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Motorola Declares Quarterly Dividend
Motorola Declares Quarterly Dividend

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"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.
Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno "

####


"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out . So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn

####

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

####

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman

####

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno

####

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made is a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend
the night on the couch." - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

####

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno

####

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman

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CHINESE ???


Sid and Al, both Jews, were dining in a Chinese restaurant.

During their conversation Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know, sir. Let me ask," and went into the kitchen.

He returned, a few minutes later, and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I check, again, sir," replied the waiter and went back to the kitchen.

While he was gone, Sid said to Al, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

At this point, the waiter returned, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure, man?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

Exasperated, the waiter frantically said, "Sir, I ask everyone! We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese Jews!"

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[arizona_humor] Kids Puns of the Week 07-27-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-27-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

Why did the runner bring his barber to the Olympics?
He wanted to shave a few seconds off his time. (Mike Benny)

What did the piano say to the fish?
How many scales do you have? (Brandon, 9)

What do you call an owl with a sore throat?
A bird that doesn't give a hoot. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

Why was the house mortgage sad?
Because he was going to be a loan for 15 years (Kyle, 1)

How do you think the crop would be if you crossed wheat-germ with
acorns?
Oak hay. (Jason Dias)

What did the bee wear?
A yellow jacket (Brandon, 9)

Why are those who study the moon optimists?
They look at the bright side. (Mike Bull)

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy. (Kim,13)

What do you get when you cross a cantelope with a cauliflower?
A melancholy baby! Norm Gilbert

Why is it so windy at sporting events?
Because of all the fans! (Lindsay, 12)

What do cats cook when they're in a hurry?
Minute-mice. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What did the pig say when the room got too hot?
I never sausage heat. (Daily Groaner)

How is a fisherman like a hypochondriac?
Both have to catch something to be happy. (Lawrence)

What do you call a pedicurist who's repeatedly nailed for shoplifting?
A Clip-Toe Maniac (Gary Hallock)

Why are cooks so cruel?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream! (Ellen,10)

What's a bubbles favorite music?
Pop (Alexis Fowler)

How would it turn out if you crossed a pine tree with poisonous
mushrooms?
Knot bad. (Bob Dvorak)

What candy do you eat on the playground?
Recess Pieces. (Daily Groaner)

What underseas creature has a lot of arms and is fast on the draw?
Billy the squid. (Julio, 10)

What do cats cook when they're in a hurry?
Minute-mice. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing! (Victoria, 13)

Did you hear about the unique platypus?
He was unlike all the otters. (Clean Laffs)

What do you call a couple of banana peels?
A pair of slippers! (Skye, 8)

In Star Wars, why did the Evil Empire leave Catholic nuns alone?
Force of habit (Douglas Helsel)

What do ants use to smell good?
Deodor-ant! (Alyssa, 7)

What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his spice garden
with herbicide instead of pesticide?
He ended up just killing thyme. (Daily Groaner)

What kind of telephones do convicts prefer?
Cell-ular phones. (Mike Benny)

Why did the zombie decide to stay in his coffin?
Because he felt rotten (Yea Ram, 8)

What is a medium?
A ruined steak (K. C. Doyle)

What did the cat who had no money say?
I'm Paw (Bruce A. G. Calder)

Why are fruit trees such crybabies?
Because people are always picking on them. (Marcus 4)

Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
Because he didn't know his "Cape Abilities" (Daily Groaner)

Which animals are on legal documents?
Seals! (Louis, 7)

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?
Out-laws are wanted. (Daily Joke)

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework! (Erik, 10)

How did the Star War Princess buys most of her clothes
On LEIA-way? (Douglas Helsel)

What is the fruitiest subject in school?
History, because it's full of dates! (Charlotte, 8)

What is the slowest soup to prepare?
Turtle soup (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

He couldn't remember the pill's name but it was on the tip of his
tongue.

A werewolf's favorite day hard time finding a replacement of the right caliber. (Mike
Bull)

His decision to become a pilot was up in the air. (Tony Thoennes)

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat (Mike Bull)

He got a chemistry set with a promise not to hurt himself -- that was
the acid test (Pun of the Day)

A dad went into a pet store and asked the owner if he could have a cat
for his son. The owner said, "Sorry, we don't do trades." (Daily
Groaner)

When the crochet class met in a smaller room, they became a close knit
group. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Drunks are distilled. (Douglas Helsel)

Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you. (Bree Schultz)

Pocket tape recorders were invented for those who like small talk. (Pun
of the Day)

Disney World (Orlando) is a Mickey Mouse operation (yes, we knew that).
But it's much bigger than Disneyland (Anaheim), which is,
comparatively, a Minnie-operation. (Bob Dvorak)

When the nearby property became a landfill, they ended up down in the
dumps. (Jumble)

When the iron was invented there was a press conference. (Tony Thoennes)

If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness. (Mike
Bull)

Electricians are refused. (Douglas Helsel)

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution. (Pun of the Day)

Gunpowder was invented in a flash. (Mike Bull)

Whoever invented binary logic knew how to put two and two together.
(Pun of the Day)

Have you heard of the downfall of the bungee suppliers? (Joan DeGrave)

One day a baby Toad was talking to his mother. "Mama, who is smarter a
Chicken or a Toad?" "Why baby, We are of course!" "How do you know
Mama" "Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Toad!" (Haust Javeri)

Office clerks are defiled. (Douglas Helsel)

A bored tool sharpener in a large machine shop finally resigned from
his monotonous job. He just couldnâ¬"t stand the daily grind (Harry
Schultheis)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

â¬SMy shrink said I should take an interest in my husbandâ¬"s affairs.⬝ â¬SSo
you took up golf?⬝ â¬SNo, I hired a private detective.⬝ (Mother Goose and
Grimm: Mike Peters)

Successful gardeners weed it out and reap (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"So what's 5Q plus 5Q Grandma Flo?" "Well, I suppose its 10Q, Treggie."
"You're welcome, Grandma Flo!" (Flo & Friends: Gibel & Campbell)

"The recipe says to bake the cookies in a 350-degree oven for 14
minutes. Do they mean 350 degrees Fahrenheit of 350 degrees Celcius? Or
350 degrees Kelvin?" "Maybe they want you to rotate the oven just shy
of a full circle." "Don't be ridiculous." (Foxtrot: Bill Amend)

A lot of happiness is taken for granite because it doesn't cost
anything. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Queen being interviewed: â¬SWhat happened to Snow White was just the work
of a few bad apples.⬝ (Sic Chix: Telnreis)

Broomhilde: â¬SIâ¬"ve got gas⬝ Troll: â¬S⬝At todayâ¬"s prices, thatâ¬"s a good
thing.⬝ (Broom-Hilda: Russell Myers)

When your ship comes in, look for all your relatives on the dock
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

TV man & woman newscasters, â¬SThe blaze continued for most of the
night.⬝ â¬SHow terrible!⬝ Girl watching: â¬SYeah and their son did it!⬝
Father: Whose son?⬝ â¬SThose news people. The guy said, â¬The cause of the
fire was our son.⬝ Father: â¬SArson⬝ Girl: â¬SYeah, and I didnâ¬"t even know
they were married to each other!⬝ (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)

â¬SGood news, sire. The royal hens got into an illegal marijuana pach.⬝
â¬SWhy is that good news?⬝ â¬SNow you can promise everyo heavy.” Grandmother: “Yes, rings and
weddings were made to last in those days.” (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

Tonight’s Topic: Marriage is a two-way street “That accounts for all
the head-on collisions.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Rain is caused by high-pressure areas, cold fronts and weekends.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)




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7.27.2004

World Famous Recipes
Famous Recipes Collections - World Famous Recipes of the World - Famous Recipe Sites - Healthy Chicken Recipes - World Famous Recipes - Best Recipes For All Occasions - Top Recipes Sites - Best Famous Recipe Sites

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Starfiber Professional microfiber cleaning cloths
http://www.swedeclean.com/scandinavia/microfiber/starfiberpage/starmicro.html">Starfiber Professional microfiber cleaning cloths

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7.26.2004

THE FUTURE OF TEXAS

Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848).

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our their hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states).

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry).

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, Ivy grows better in the south anyway

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.


Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry:

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas

Have a nice day!

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[arizona_humor] The Pious Dogs

Humor is universal and the same joke appears in many cultures.
Sometimes only minor changes need be made as changing a church to a
synagogue in "Repaint and thin no more." Sometimes the stories vary
tremendously but the point is the same. Here then are the story of two
pious dogs.

The Jewish Version:

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.
He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor
finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about
how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master,
tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay,
Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously.
Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts
to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging
my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me
in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that
dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it ... it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you
try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you
push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's
disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a
nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he
says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.
Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He
thought I said, 'Kvetch'." (Kvetch = Constant complaining)

The Christian Version:

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in
the house Baptist.  They were going to make it look and feel Baptist
through and through.  So when they were finished they went to a petshop
to look for a Baptist dog. 
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?" 
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then
nodded, saying, "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
description." 
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said,
"Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the
dog, "Go get a Bible." 
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran
back to the man and plopped the book at his feet. 
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its
books of the Bible...  Turn to Psalm 23". 
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the
pages to Psalm 23. 
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. 
The next day, the family had visitors.  They showed their friends the
Baptist dog and the things it could do. 
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that
normal dogs do?" 
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know.  I've never
tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." 
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on
the man's head and started to pray. 
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't
Baptist!  It's Pentecostal!" 




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[arizona_humor] Puns of the Weak 07-26-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-26-04

THE ONE-LINERS

"Bootleg liquor, drugs, prostitution, numbers... and you think they
care about a little fudging on your deductions. Get real." - Al
Capone's Tax Attorney (Wit Wizard)

When the music store robber tripped and had an accidental. He didn't C
sharp and it made the lute B flat (Fred Bourdelier)

The young trucker depended on the dispatcher because he was a Roads
scholar. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Studies show that the average American is 10 to 20 pounds overweight.
YESSSSSS! I'm finally above average at something! (Mona)

I'm surprised that since Bush is President, they haven't changed the
website address for the White House to:
http://DubyaDubyaDubya.white-house.gov (Ted Wilson)

Guilt-ridden donkeys are sorry asses (Stephen Kramer)

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion who swallowed his pride?
(Arty W.)

When the judge said, "joint custody," I assumed I was gonna get to keep
the papers and the stash, but it turns out the dude was only talkin'
about the kids. (Ron Greer)

There was once a log book documenting the infinitely slow capsizing of
a ship. It had hundreds of entries, but in the end the ship
miraculously righted itself, so the list was endless so the list was
endless! (Johann von Haupkopf)

She was always calling for her twins, "on the double." (Pun of the Day)

"I hear you found a baby snake stranded in your garage. What kind of
shape is it in?" "Long and tubular." (Beckie Shiles)

When running behind you are a prelate. (Norm S.)

He knew it was going to be a wonderful day because the storm had
passed, blue birds were singing rhapsodies, and a passing airplane
wrote "3.1416" in the sky. (Alan B. Combs)

My mate Bill always agreeing with every thing anybody says. He is known
as William the concurrer (Jonners)

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket... WOMAN GETS
PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA" I guess that goes to show that the
rhythm method just doesn't work!! (Haust Javeri)

When Mike Conners TV series was cancelled, he became Mannix depressive.
(Gary Hallock)

The calm before the storm is pretense. (Norm S.)

He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)

The answer," said the king acting like Alex Trebek, "is 0.13. What's
the question?" Only the royal bakers knew it was four and twenty
blackbirds in a pi. [24 into 3.1416] (Bob Levi)

â¬SWhat did the VCR say to the CD player?⬝ â¬SI give up.⬝ â¬SYou just don't
get the picture, do you?⬝ (Beckie Shiles)

The time before the stroll is preamble. (Norm S.)

She always paints night scenes. Other artists pale by comparison." (Pun
of the Day)

"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's
right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet." (Gunjan Saraf )

I don't get today's diet trends. Most of the foods I eat don't contain
bottom-feeding scavenger fish anyway. This low-carp stuff is overrated.
(Raygun)

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top
and they'd tip. (Robert Orban)

The seminarian is preordained. (Norm S.)

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Clean Jokes)

When he drove after some drinks, he ended up with a chaser. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

QUOTES

Sometimes the obvious is hard to see; often because it's blocking your
view (Kelly & Jim Fuge)

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. (Carmen Boyle, Olympic gold
medalist in luge 1966)

I've thought about having a family. I just haven't seen any that reall that continues to give us more for our money is a
weighing machine. (George Clark)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session. (Mark Twain)

You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)

You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
(Les Pourciau)

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on
lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off. (Douglas Helsel)

I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality. (Bob Hope)

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not
all the time.(George Orwell)

Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa. (Casey
Stengel)

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. (Winston Churchill)

The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce)




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[arizona_humor] A Wedding Story

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT
dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week
later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had
bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing
it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few
days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they
stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the
other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." She
just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"


Now, I ask you - What woman wouldn't love this story?



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[arizona_humor] Boudreaux In Court

BOUDREAUX IN COURT

Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road . . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell
him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Policeman came
across the road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com







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7.25.2004

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