Funny Jokes - Funny Jokes and Humor: 08/01/2004 - 08/07/2004 - Funny Jokes and Humor from a variety of sources are posted when the mood hits. Funny Joke postings sent to the Funny Jokes Mailing List are also archived here.

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 08-04-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Heirloom: Used in the manufacture of Horsehair blankets. (Stan Kegel)

Crocodiles: Calls from telemarketers. (Andrea Kelly)

Hip waders: The fellows who bring your food at those very trendy
restaurants. (Gary Hallock)

Horoscope: Device that allows you to see fright movies in excruciating
detail (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hairy: A good business day for a probator of wills. (Jason Dias)

Hades: HADES books about Greek mythology sure are interesting, ain't
they?' (Jason Dias)

Klutz: What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly
pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding. (Lexicon)

Hurricane: An aid to assist an elderly person in keeping up with his
grandchildren on their daily walk. (Stan Kegel)

Chipskate: Computer tightwad. (Pun-American Newsletter)

Himalaya: Exclamation on seeing a rooster give eggs (Cynthia MacGregor)

Downplay: To pillow-fight. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Harem: What a rabbit with many wives has. (Jim Ertner and Richard
Lederer)

Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives. (Lexicon)

Heft: "I HEFT to go get my groceries tonight." (Jason Dias)

Pastoral: When you know what your spouse wants without her asking.
(Stan Kegel)

Flaccid: A Spaniard who walks with a limp. (Stephen Dudzik)

Piece rate: How quickly treaties are signed (Jason Dias)

Frying Pan: Cook like a Greek god.: (Sandy Sibert)

Lead: A heavy blue-grey mineral most useful in imparting a sense of
responsibility to those who love not wisely but other men's wives.
(Lexicon)

Expander: "I think that she's really neat but my EXPANDER (Doug Drill)

Yolk: Amusing story told by a Swede. (Stan Kegel)

Define: To lose one's looks. (Tom Witte)

Diploma: instruction to your limboing (or ballroom dancing) mom (Jason
Dias)

Futile: A small number of thin slabs of baked clay.: (Joseph Leff)

Light Year: A regular year with less calories. (Lexicon)

POETRY

THE HOKEY POKEY Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
(Daveâ¬�"s Daily)

To his yearning the florist said yes,
And he opened a store with finesse.
Sold fresh flowers, and now,
His nice shop's a cash cow.
So he's known as a budding success.
(Kirk Miller)

It's sad for a girl to reach the age
Where men consider her charmiess.
But it's worse for a man to attain the age
Where the girls consider him harmless.
(J. M. Elgard)

The boy friend likes to see her drink
More than a little bit,
Because she is his flame, I guess
He wants to keep her lit.
(J. M. Elgard)

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat. (Ambrose Bierce)

A paranormal
American Indian -
Hopi medium
(Gary Reeves)

An old actor from silent film lore,
Fell quite ill on the set, so therefore,
With appendix inflamed,
He was rushed off from fame,
And wound up on the cutting room floor.
(Brad Williams)

Milk, cream, cheese, butter,
Made from liquid of udder,
I am a big cow.
(Christopher "As Mighty As the S-word")

When the mayor was hit in the head
By a pie, he was filled with much dread.
No revenge did he se there's a muddy road
ahead") from "Detour" (popular song of the '50s) (Cynthia MacGregor)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

In the early nineteenth century, Lois and Clark explored the Louisiana
Purchase. They became well known all over the world and in foreign
countries. (Richard Lederer)

Outside a secondhand shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing
Machines Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful
Bargain? (Strange Cosmos)

Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. (Richard Lederer)

Tudd, blett, and sweers. Chinston Wurchill (F. Chase Taylor)

Thomas Edison invented the pornograph and the indecent lamp. (Richard
Lederer)

"Get up, Samson, your enemies are on you!" Delilah said snippingly.
(Asa Sparks)

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to
be oil. (Tim Davis)

Macaroni invented the wireless telephone. (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Ad in LA Times: LAX Shuttlr Drivers Needed. We have immediate openings
for Part-Time shuttle drivers to transport passengers from the airport
to the rental office, Must have a clean driving record, TRW, and
criminal background. Please apply in person. (Gerry Abbott/Steve
Harvey)

Woodland Hills Garage Sale! July 10-19th 7am-4pm. Used variety of
genes, children clothes. (Dee Brown & Glenn Lee)

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a
near new gents three-speed bicycle for sale, also two old ladies, in
good running order. (Archives)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet Out Of Order.
Please Use Floor Below (Strange Cosmos)

"Remember The Alamo!" Has New Meaning As Alamo Car Rental Sputters
(Stephen Kramer)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

Ben Stiller visits Spain in the summer and gets a bad case of the
"runs." - DODGE A BULL (Gary Hallock)

A story about houses of prostitution competing with each other. - TWO
BROTHELS (Tiff Wimberly)

Some clever editing has allowed the producers to finally finish George
Burns' and John Denver's last project. It's a monster flick called "Oh,
Godzilla". (Gary Hallock)

A look at the career of the actress who played Lori Partridge - Dey
After Tomorrow (Tiff Wimberly)

I used to be a Hollywood agent, but then I promoted myself (Laurie Ann
Poole)

A kinky film about a breast enhancement procedure that goes bust. -
Nipple In Dynamite. (Gary Hallock)

Don't byte off more than you can view. (Archives)

A chat has nine lives. (Archives)

Fax is stranger than fiction. (Archives)

The geek shall inherit the earth. (Archives)

What boots up must come down. (Archives)

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