GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-07-04
THE GROANERS
There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday. I decided to go and see what the group was
like. I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that
evening and found the room completely empty. It was then I realized
that I came too soon. (Stan Kegel)
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty
junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and
said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me,"
responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
(Irene Ariel Mystery)
.
Back in the 50's mothers and daughters actually used to discuss such
things as dating. Carol had been dating one fellow for over 3 months
and her Mother was becoming concerned. "Exactly what are Bruce's
intentions?" she asked her daughter. "I'm not sure, Mother." Carol
replied. "He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark." (Fred Barling)
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on
your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have
contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know,"
snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket." (Daily Groaner)
We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there has
been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a
relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man
who developed modern banking as we know t today. He enlisted the aid of
Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King
Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to
finance this new experiment in banking. So really, ... credit should go
to a Czech king, a count and Cache.(By Stan Kegel)
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and
the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One
theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to
be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr.
(Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs ?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the
farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject
lost 2 sows and 25 pigs." (Fun With Words)
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her
parents' private conversations. One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old
were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the
new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to
name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if
it's another boy we're going to call it quits!!" (Crosswalk
A hundred-fifty years ago, or so, when a couple of pennies would buy a
loaf of bread, money had much greater significance in small numbers
than it does today. So when they passed the plate at the local
Presbyterian Church, it was normal to see a plateful of pennies when
things were counted up after Services. Except in the well-heeled
neighborhoods. Here the contributions often got up to five cents,
resulting in early examples of nickel-plating. (Bob Dvorak)
The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the
church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and
prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Michel,
not remembering the names of the women he'd so recently met, still
wanted to single out their committee for praise. "Before they all slip
is the place!" The other replied, "No, it's not!"
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank
on the other side. To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't
tell a brook by its clover." (Archives)
"Say your prayers," Butch said, hand poised above the sandlewood grip
of his chrome-plated forty-five. "God is dead!" came a tiny voice from
his hand. The other gunslinger was confused, but didn't have time to
think about it. He reached - and was gunned down before his hand
reached his own weapon. A hanger-on from the crowd had the guts to ask,
"So what was with that `God is dead' stuff?" "I," said Butch, "have a
Nietzsche trigger finger." (Jason Dias)
All of the ink pots were empty: the blue, the black, even the red,
caked with dried remnants of their former dyes; all, that is, except
for the indigo, and that was useless, as the literature professor had
specifically forbidden purple prose. (Jason Dias)
One Sunday morning, Sue took a friend of hers who is blind to church
with her. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated
with her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what had
excited the kids so much. Sue's friend told the woman, "I was showing
the children how bumpy the road to salvation is." (William Brabant)
Then there was the supermodel -- who sat on a wasp and was stung on
the upper leg. Because she believed her legs to be her entire career --
she went and spent everything she had on injections, steroids,
vitamins, massage, et al, to completely remove all signs of the slight
imperfection. At the end of three months her leg was perfect again, and
she was beyond broke. As the banks chased her for payments, she opined
whether it had been worth it -- "Oh, debt, where is thigh sting?" (Bob
Dvorak)
The other night I tried my hand at pickling pigs' feet -- like my
Grandma used to -- but without much luck. She must have had better aim,
because every time I flung a Vlasic kosher dill into the pen, those
little suckers would scatter. (Brad Simanek)
A group of us, exhibitors of bloodhounds, were waiting our turn to
enter the ring for judging. One of us was an attractive young lady
anxious to show her new hound. Just before we were called into the ring
the hound jumped up and placed his paws on her chest. The unfortunate
part was that, unknown to his owner, he had stepped in a dog mess. The
result was that there were two quite evident splotches on her blouse.
Undaunted she quickly put on a cardigan sweater so as to cover things
up and entered the ring along with the rest of us. As we were standing
awaiting the judge, a fellow exhibitor who was next to our unfortunate
soul, made several loud sniffing sounds and then uttered, "Pardon me,
but do you happen to have some grey poop on?" (James L. Ryan)
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor
was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he
presented a number of different situations in which they might find
themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone
were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied. "BIG
ones." (Crosswalk)
Researchers in Chicago were studying congestion on commuter freeways.
Their report found that older vehicles in bad condition were most
likely to break down and cause traffic backups. Their solution was to
limit main freeway access to specially tagged newer vehicles. Older
cars would be directed to car-rotted arteries. (Harry Farkas)
After several months of politics in the Atkins Lo-Carb Corp, they
finally have a new CEO. Over the last few months the company as a
whole, threw out excess food and paper and other garbage. They finally
got an e
groaned. All I ever heard emanating from his room was
thump- thumpa-thump. What chance did I stand? He led me to his room and
started pawing though a pile of CD's. Eminem. Queen Latifah. And
plucked out a gem of a copy of Tchaikovsky's Sixth Symphony. "Here it
is!" he said proudly. "I've had it for weeks but I kept it under raps."
(Bob Dvorak)
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived
in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had
a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion.
However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires
for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool. (Archives)
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of
stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since
this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please
review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American
Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and
let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue
touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean! It's a
tough market out there. Be careful. (Ginny Manning)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They
follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon
he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set
up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the
guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator...10
minutes longer...no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says,
"Gee, I hope nothing happened to him." (Bill Stebbins)
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The
second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, "Don't blow our cover!"
You're in America now. Speak Spanish. (Mike M.)
May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous woman asks the
manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replies.
"Maybe it'll attract some business." (Terry Tubman)
When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our
home had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son,
Curtis. One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?" Allan,
looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!" (Lame Humor)
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a
teddy. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So
he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf. (Dinesh Vora)
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round
for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a
really good mood tonight." The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was
hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking
meters!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the
round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO
rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "If you're so happy
just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be
when you get your first paycheck!" With a wondrous look on his face,
the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You
mean they're gonna PAY me too?" (Paul Cooper)
The English profess was plied with a word puzzle. â¬SHey, Prof, arenâ¬"t
â¬sugarâ¬" and â¬sumacâ¬" the only two words that begin wit
beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape."
"You know," said one Pole to his friend, "they get all the good jobs."
(Laf A Day)
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down
to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. However, he
had a slight problem: he couldn't remember the names of the two
individuals who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married
please come to the front?" he requested. Almost immediately, nine
single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men walked
down the aisle to the front of the church.(Gail S. Angel)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
Why is â¬SThe good book⬠always priced low?
To make it wholly buy-able (Gary Hallock)
Why did the sick cookâ¬s disposition improve when she stuck her hand in
the bowl in which she was mixing cake ingredients?
Because suddenly she was feeling batter (Cynthia MacGregor)
What is the term for someone who converts to another denomination?
A Sects Change (Stan Kegel)
The football coach at Florida State University a number of years back
developed a novel offense, which became the backbone of a number of
variations, carried forward into nearly all college programs and even
the NFL. Its FSU origins may be credited, however -- whence developed
the _________ _____ ?
Seminole Idea (Bob Dvorak)
Well, the Demo's have made it official. John will be their candidate.
But can he _____ the ______? If he can, then we'll have a _____ ______.
Just hope he doesn't start giving temperance lectures!
Carry the Nation, Kerry Nation (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call a bunch of Australians waiting for grilled shrimp?
A barbie queue (Lars Hanson)
In a diner the other night I ordered a common dessert treat. My wife
complained because she thought I was getting kinky with an oft-wed
actress. What did I order?
J-Lo whipped (Bob Dvorak)
What do Mexican food enthusiasts call a 4-foot yardstick?
An inch-a-lotta (Gary Hallock)
In what New Jersey city do many homeless people's relatives live?
Hobo-kin (Gary Hallock)
The Democrats are assembled in Boston this week to nominate a candidate
for the White House. ___ ___ would suggest that they'll be done within
the next 24 hours or so?
Conventional wisdom (Bob Dvorak)
Four guys were playing cards in a train when it happened to cross a
trestle above a flash flooding river. What game were they playing?
Bridge Over Troubled Waters (Clynch Varnadore)
What is the title of the research project by a Ph. D. candidate
recording religious transgressions using a hidden camera?
Photo Sin Thesis. (Stan Kegel)
The composer of Lucia di Lammermoor went to visit a friend who had
emigrated to America, and some of his Yankee fans flocked to see him,
ringing the doorbell and asking if they might come in. But when the
composer's host replied, directing the guests to him, they misheard it
as a command to remain standing. What had the host said in his accented
speech that they misheard?
Donizetti on the sofa. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What's the difference between an angry sea bird and a hymn?
One is an auk of rages, the other Rock of Ages. (Lars Hanson)
After falling from power, a former Soviet leader took a job as head
cook on a Russian freighter. Although he worked on board the ship
under his own name, most of his fellow sailors didn't recognize him
and mistakenly assumed his name was merely his job title. What did
they call him?
Nikki Da Crew's Chef (Gary Hallock)
What is a 10 letter word for the remembrance of unpleasant things past?
Naustalgia (Norm S.)
The Repu
/> A humongoose (Alan Combs)
Where do corpses eat lunch?
Cadaver-teria (Cynthia MacGregor)
http://www.jokes-joke.com/
http://www.evindex.com/
http://home.att.net/~quotations/
http://home.att.net/~wbaustin/famous.html
http://www.worldfamousrecipes.com/
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor********************************************
Life Story Writing Famous Quotes Famous Quotes Famous Quotes Funny Quotes Love Quotes Famous Recipes If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
