Funny Jokes

8.21.2004

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Unfit for Command
Unfit for Command

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Roy’s Pacific Rim Fusion Restaurant - Scottsdale
Pacific Rim Restaurant

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Free Business Directory Listings
Free Directory Listings

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

East Valley Living
Your GUIDE to the East Valley of Phoenix Arizona - Free Business directory, Bar Guide, Restaurant directory and news.

East Valley

East Valley Community Partners

Phoenix Arizona East Valley Community Index

480 Area Code Guide
East Valley - Phoenix Arizona - Items, Events, and Entertainment Guide for the Phoenix Arizona 480 area code in the East Valley of Phoenix AZ. 480 Guide will keep you informed about interesting items and happenings in the the area.

East Valley Community Partners

East Valley SEO Company

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

8.20.2004

arizona humor Hate Shopping?


HERE ARE 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR GUY
HATES GOING SHOPPING WITH YOU.

1. You catch him staring into the store's
security cameras,waving his arms in the air
and mouthing " Help me "
2. In the last year of hitting the mall
together,he's gained 20 pounds trying to
self-medicate on cheese fries from the food
court.
3. He sleeps like a baby..in Victoria's Secret.
4. The store's lounge area has turned into a
therapy circle for men,with your Guy acting
as moderator.
5. You catch him shooting the breeze about
baseball and trying to place an eighth-inning
bet...with a mannequin.
6. On trips to the shopping outlets,he
routinely grabs the arms of little boys and
shouts " run for your life,child,before it's
too late"
7. When you suggest he bring a magazine to
read to pass the time, he lugs an entire
year's worth of back issues.
8. The saleswoman at the cosmetics counter
has complained that your man is a little to
fond of "smelling" the nail polish testers.
9. He starts shoplifting in an attempt to
" spice things up"
10. You hand him a pair of khakis you think
might look good on him, and he
absentmindedly fashions then into a noose.


Famous Quotes





------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Eight Rules For Dating My Daughter

Eight Rules For Dating My DaughterWhen I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous _expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed toothere are o

To subscribe, send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.

For more humor by Bruce Cameron, see the Cameron Column webpage.

*******************************************************************


JoannasJokes
making the world a better place,
a laugh at a time!
You are invited to join JoannasJokes for clean jokes,
trivia, little known facts, recipes and incidental information at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joannasjokes/join/ ... one of
the fastest growing joke sites on the web!!!

P.S. Please forward this to all of your friends!!!













[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Best of the Blondes (very clean)

Best of the Blondes

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast somewhat exposed.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed," he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up! "said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consisted of yes/no type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the exam for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, took out her
purse, removed a coin and started tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
"Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute's she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

*******************************************************************


JoannasJokes
making the world a better place,
a laugh at a time!
You are invited to join JoannasJokes for clean jokes,
trivia, little known facts, recipes and incidental information at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joannasjokes/join/ ... one of
the fastest growing joke sites on the web!!!






http://groups.yahoo.com/group/famous_quotes/

http://home.att.net/~quotations/




The Source for Famous Quotes
< ~quotations/love.html"> Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Divorce request

A married couple is driving along a Motorway doing a steady 50 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce". The wife says nothing,
keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 55
mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly,
and slowly increases the speed to 65.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house", he says insistently. She takes
the speed up to 70. "I want the car, too." She continues and takes the
car up to 75 mph. "And," he says, "I'll of course keep all the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the plane." The car slowly starts
veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a bit nervous,
so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last
replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he asks, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam
into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says . . "The
airbag."

From Charlie, in Pahoa, just East of the hot lava.


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/famous_quotes/

http://home.att.net/~quotations/




The Source for Famous Quotes



Famous Quotes List




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

8.19.2004

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Bush and Kerry




G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber,
not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in
his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa
will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush
replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a cathouse
smells like.
------------------------------------------------

Amy sez: "I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. By all acounts, I should be hanging from a charm
bracelet."



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor FBI


> >Hello, is this the FBI?"

> >

> >"Yes. What can I do for you?"

> >

> >"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding

> >marijuana inside his firewood!"

> >

> >"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

> >

> >The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They

search the

shed

> >where the firewood is kept.

> >Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no

marijuana.

> >

> >They sneer at Virgil and leave.

> >

> >The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is

Floyd. Did

> >the FBI come?"

> >

> >"Yeah!"

> >

> >"Did they chop your firewood?"

> >

> >"Yep."

> >

> >"Happy Birthday, buddy"

> >

> >Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?



------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Who needs truant officers with a mom like this?

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did
anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He
was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the
day with him!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Texan?

A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat,
chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing
on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the
cowboy and asked him his name.

"Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply.

"Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman
asked.

"Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have
you call me Louise!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor More Groaners for week of August 16, 2004

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father
and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we
have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of
our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
whiskey."

*******************************************************************

Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink. Frank says, "You
know what happened? An angel was sent down to compile a list
of the dishonest lawyers on earth. Six months later he dragged
himself back to Heaven, exhausted. `Believe me,' he told God,
`it'd be easier if I just made note of all of the honest lawyers
on earth. In fact, I think I could do that in a weekend.' God said,
`Fine.' Come Monday morning, the angel turned in his list and
God said, `That's terrific. Now I think you should send all the
lawyers on this list a note of congratulations.'"
Frank pauses and sips his Scotch. Then he says, "There was a
postscript to the angel's note. You know what it was?"
Harry says, "No."
"Aha! So you didn't get one either!"

*******************************************************************

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left
out the phone number!"

*******************************************************************

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all
to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into
the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic
letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the
fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was
certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you
spell `zilla'?"

*******************************************************************







JoannasJokes
making the world a better place,
a laugh at a time!
You are invited to join JoannasJokes for clean jokes,
trivia, little known facts, recipes and incidental information at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joannasjokes/join/ ... one of
the fastest growing joke sites on the web!!!

P.S. Please forward this to all of your friends!!!











[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes 0 comments links to this post  

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 08-18-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 08-18-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Homogeneous: Oscar Wilde. (Chuck Smith)

Generally: Commander of Confederate forces (Stan Kegel)

Granulate: Where you been Granny? (Ken Pinkham)

Agonize: what you get when your wife hits you in the face with an
omelette. (Douglas Drill)

Analyze: â¬SI know Anna accused him of theft but we all know ANALYZE.⬝
(Stan Kegel)

Apartment: "Until you lose your hair, you never know how much
APARTMENT.⬝(Douglas Drill)

Prestidigitator: Someone with a painfully strong handshake. (Thomas B.
Jabine)

Gentile: Ceramic squares in the men's shower rooms (Stan Kegel)

Gallop: The wallop you feel while paying for a gallon of gas (Bob
Dvorak)

Accompaniment: the worth of a firm, found out after losing an account.
(Douglas Drill)

Andrew: â¬SThe artist took out a pencil ANDREW an etching.⬝ (Stan Kegel)

Avalanche: "Would you like to AVALANCHE with me?" (Douglas Drill)

Incandescent: Going over the falls in a barrel. (Steve Fahey)

Geometry: Rite of passage statement by an acorn (Stan Kegel)

Accommodate: Going out with a communist. (Douglas Drill)

Geode: A poem about words beginning with the letter G (Bob Dvorak)

Aladdin: "Don't wake up the maid, there's ALADDIN bed with her."
(Douglas Drill)

Fox populus: A TV channel that gives people the news they want to hear
instead of the news that's real. (Doug Robarchek)

Bordello: A lackadaisical greeting by service industry workers.
(Brendan Beary)

Gastric: To entertain with musical flatuence (Stan Kegel)

Google: Sound made by an infant when tickled. (Gary Hallock)

Accrue: Those who operate a vessel. (Douglas Drill)

Allegro: "This potion will make a leg shorter and this one will make
ALLEGRO (Douglas Drill)

Shower stall: Being notified by the builder that installation of
bathroom fixtures will be delayed. (Stan Kegel)

Registry: To give your final answer. (Ry Schwark)

Adieu: what you say when you get married. (Douglas Drill)

Gerrymander: Mr. Ford wanders aimlessly (Bob Dvorak)

Ammonia: "You are a princess and I AMMONIA man." (Douglas Drill)

POETRY

Dr. Pepper, the famed soft-drink man
Forty years, every night, did Diane.
When she upped and died
The poor old man sighed,
"From now on I'll just come in a can."
(Bob Dvorak)

A problem with the cleaners one time
Concerned slacks that were covered with grime.
While there, one whole trouser
Was eaten by Bowser.
I really miss that old pantomine.
(By Tom Patton)

If the nudist camp sounds the alarms
In response to some government harms,
Then until bitter end,
You should always defend
Constitutional right to bare arms. (Kirk Miller)

When wed in 3000 A. D.
Feghoot flouted tradition's decree
That a smoked salmon's head
Lie in each nuptial bed
"For love laughs at lox myths," said he.
(Simon Kahn )

A woman named Kathryn is great
At cloning. She's really first rate.
She's an excellent pro,
Quite an expert, and so
She is called by her friends Dupli-Kate.
(Kirk Miller)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I have to keep this fire alight," Tom bellowed. (Fun With Words)

"I'm going to join a fraternal organization," Tom rushed. (Jason Dias)

"What's the dividend?" he asked interestedly. (Michael Hamm)

"I've just been kicked out of the embassy," said Tom disconsolately
(Jess Askin)

"After the operation, I'm changing my name to Patricia," Tom spat.
(Jason Dias)

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully. (Fun With Words)

A: "Fahrenheit 9/11
Q: What is the temperature of a burning bush? (Norm S.)

After awhile everyone wanted to go home except for Boris Karloff. He
said, " Karloff Is Here To Stay ". (Lila Bondy)

A user and his leisure time are soon parted. (Archives)

I had some cream; there were grounds in my coffee. (I had some dreams
they were clouds in my coffee) Carly Simon "You're So Vain" (Bob
Dvorak)

A: Hillary
Q: Describe the terrain in the Catskill Mountains (Cynthia MacGregor)

A user and his leisure time are soon parted. (Archives)

Q: Oregon (Cynthia MacGregor)
A: Why did the miners who left Washington State continue heading south
to California?

Know what to expect before you connect. (Archives)

A: Dubya
Q: How do you make me a knight? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Speed thrills. (Archives)



------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

8.17.2004

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

8.16.2004

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

8.15.2004

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

Quotes From Famous People: Dolly Parton Quotes
Dolly Parton Quotes

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

John Kerry On Iraq
John Kerry On Iraq

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 08-14-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-14-04

THE GROANERS

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into
our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim
form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:
"Can't stand to cook." (Gard Webster)

Sarah felt bored and unsatisfied, even though her job as a nurse's aide
included helping patients and keeping track of the billiards equipment
in the recreation room at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center, and
she wondered what her mother had been thinking all those years when she
repeatedly told her that a young lady should mind herpes and cues.
(Brad Jolly)

A tour group stopped at the Tower of London. A man from Prague and
another from Athens got into a dispute. They decided to settle the
matter using the accoutrements at hand. They donned armor and chain
mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But the onlookers
couldn't tell one from the other. "Is that the Czech wearing the
armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "the Greek is in the
armor. The Czech is in the mail." (Joan deGrave)

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he
never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was
unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll
just have to be a little boulder!" (Gail S. Angel)

The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank
robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture. The parole
board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at
his home in Prague. Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad
czech. (Daily Groaner)

I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone
to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up and asked "How
can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered
"It's a crash course." (Bill Stebbins)

We have a new employee at the local Home Depot. He just moved here
from Mexico and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the
sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after
ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A
fast trip to the store led to the retro question, "Can you tell me the
way to sand, Jose?" (Norm)

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho", and went out
walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the
visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of
buffalos." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'." "Heard
what?" "Herd of buffalos." "Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big
bunch of 'em right over there." (Crosswalks)

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he
heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long,"
to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose?
(Lee Hogan)

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of
the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch
she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get
the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying
to console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come.
(Archives)

I was born on a tuffet in the middle of a Southland swamp. It's home. I
spent most of my youth f district. Hard. Very hard. He was routinely
putting in fifty- and sixty-hour weeks, but at a rate barely above
minimum wage, survival in the city was tough. One day he chucked it all
and moved to Colorado. He took a simple job and spent all his time
hiking the mountains and learning the terrain. Eventually he learned
enough local geography to earn his Guide's license -- and he began to
prosper. Another racks-to-ridges story. (Bob Dvorak)

A boy was mowing the lawn and eating a piece of balogna when his mom
called him to the phone. While he was gone he put the balogna on the
handle of the mower and two flies landed on it and decided to eat. The
first fly ate just a little for nourishment but the second fly ate, and
ate, and ate till he was stuffed! The boy was coming back out now so
the first fly flew off. The second fly tried to fly but he had eaten so
much that he just fell off the balcony and landed on the ground. Moral
of the story is "Don't Fly Off The Handle When Your Full Of Bologna."
(Gail S. Angel)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical
psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling. She said to
her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The
psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus
complex." Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy
talk. I've watched Marvin, and I tell you he's all right. Just look how
he loves his mother." (Burt Juda)

The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was
petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature,
neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To
her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit
I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She took a deep
breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and
replied, "You're right." (William H. Rayborn)

When my children were quite young, my son who was at about that same
two-year-old stage and my daughter, still an infant, were with me in
the grocery store where I was using my few brain cells to try and
determine what kind of milk to buy. Suddenly, in the loudest voice I
had ever heard him use up to that point, my son announced to all, near
and far, "Mommy! Don't hit me!" Not finding any handy holes nearby in
which to hide, I responded in an equally loud voice, "Why, son! You
know I never hit you!" And then he responded in a much normal voice
level, "I know. I just don't want you to start." And that right there,
is probably why my husband and I decided to stop with two. (Lynnette)

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it. "Not
Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot!
You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently
sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this
book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the
man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named
Martin Luther." (Ted Wilson)

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the
young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you
realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at
night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that and asks,
"Now what?" (Blonde Funnies)

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born? DAD SAYS: Oy! Very well, my son, one
day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat
room on AOL. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother
downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an
upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the
blessed virus appeared. And that's the story. (Estelle Raderman)

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you
mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But
if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position,
and I will not compromise." (Bill Carpus)

CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

After falling from power, a former Soviet leader took a job as head
cook on a Russian freighter. Although he worked on board the ship
under his own name, most of his fellow sailors didn't recognize him
and mistakenly assumed his name was merely his job title. What did
they call him?
Nikki Da Crew's Chef (Gary Hallock)

What would be an appropriate 10-letter name for the remembrance of
unpleasant things past?
Naustalgia. (Norm S.)

What Oscar winner should remind you of what troubled Andy Warhol after
he had spent hours kneeling to paint his new automobile. Art Car Knee
(Stan Kegel) .

What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?
Much ado about knotting (Cynthia MacGregor)

Here in the bush of Alaska small general aviation aircraft often get
bent a bit and salvaged. Most of the salvage crews are interested in
the major parts, but I usually clean up a site by picking up the
various engine coverings and shrouds they leave behind. Now I have
quite a few hidden in a little storage building on stilts that was
previously used to keep food above the bear and varmits. I'm beginning
to make some good money by selling these fairings. When a local bush
pilot stopped by the other day to by one he he referred to the stash,
location and revenue as my ? WHAT?
Cache Cowls (Gary Reeves )

Why did the Roman reporters rush to their papers when a Christian was
victorious at the Coliseum?
There were dead lions (Stan Kegel)

When you visit the bank, why does endorsing and depositing your check
sometimes require a pair of magicians?
You need a Penn and Teller (Gary Hallock)

What is the favorite ballad of circus clowns?
Iâ¬"ve thrown a custard in her face. (Stan Kegel)

Why did Joe Camel carry a razor blade to the rave?
He wanted to nick a teen. (Cynthia MacGregor)

If you saw a rose trellis and a dune by a lighthouse in a windstorm,
what would you actually be seeing?
A beacon lattice and tornado sand ridge (Stan Kegel)

Whatâ¬s your fatherâ¬s brotherâ¬s wife expected to do just before the
cards are dealt?
Auntie Up (Gary Hallock)

A group of former military personnel who served with John Kerry in Viet
Nam have made some eye opening revelations about Kerry's service
during the war. If this group passed their time on the rivers of Viet
Nam by holding a particular type of pun contest, and if they bet their
body parts in the contest, what would they be called?
Swift Boat Bettor Runs For Tooth (Alex Ramirez)

What do the old members say to newcomers when they join the origami
club?
We all come to the f patients?
The Sadder Day and Evening Host (Stan Kegel)




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/


Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes