"Don't worry," a patient told his psychiatrist. "I'll pay every
cent I owe or my name isn't Alexander the Great!"


Famous Quotes

A congressional committee released a report proving conclusively that Y2K
was indeed the end of the world, but the Clinton administration covered it
up.



Bill Austin

arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 08-15-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 08-25-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Relay: Something you and your spouse did every night of your honeymoon,
but not on your fifth anniversary. (Thad Humphries)

Gopher: Leave to purchase or pick-up something (Stan Kegel)

Gobblers: Found both on and around the Thanksgiving dinner table. (Gary
Hallock)

Acqualntant: A species of tiny insect which you consider to be
pleasing, odd, or antique. (Douglas Drill)

Ammonia: "You are a princess and I AMMONIA man." (Douglas Drill)

Flash Drive: Exposing yourself to passing motorists on the freeway

Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell
Beland)

Donation: A country ruled by Mafia (Trevor Mytton)

Avail : Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly. (Gunjan
Saraf)

Sundry: How clotheslines work. (Tim Bruening)

Aaron: what the dentist tells the assistant before drilling, "Please
turn the AARON.⬝ (Douglas Drill)

High Resolution: Promise made on New Years Eve

Intuitive: The ability to cut things in half (Brandy Brandon)

Lumbago: An RV made of wood. (Russell Beland)

Ascot: "Mommy, Mommy, Johnny got his ASCOT in the revolving door."
(Douglas Drill)

Nogales: NOGALES allowed to enter a guys' rest room in Arizona? (Alan
Stillson)

Bar Exam: A test to determine just how much you can hold. (Henny
Youngman)

Digital Photo: Braille (Stan Kegel)

Damnation: Beaver country (Robert Meyers)

Undine: Vomit. (Russell Beland)

Acquaint: as in, "This is certainly ACQUAINT little place you have
here." (Douglas Drill)

Castigate: The bass-fishing tournament scandal. (Richard Lempert)

Ugly: Attraction Deficit Disorder. (Charles G. Waugh)

Gables: Homosexual male cattle (Stan Kegel)

Accord: musical sound. (Douglas Drill)

Ticket: The voucher you will need to rebook with another airline after
your flight was canceled. (Novisoff & Basker)

POETRY

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap 'round the neck is the key.
Has the owner's last name;
The phone number of same.
This technique is named "collar ID."
(Kirk Miller)

Why is room so cold?
Boss who does all the talking
Is full of hot air.
(Chris White)

In the forest, the driver did swerve,
Hit and killed sev'ral deer, struck a nerve.
From the roadkill, he made
Jars of deer marmalade,
But it spoiled and he had game preserve.
(Kirk Miller)

A surfer dude in Frisco bay
Can't mix his epoxy. He'll say
"These instructions you see
Say to mix with 'part-B'
But where can I find the 'Part-A?'"
(Gary Hallock)

Said a youthful cab driver named Pinto
'I am jolly, I smile and I grin, too.
I'm a real happy boy
For my work I enjoy
And the people I often run into.
(Michael Franklin Ellis)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I'm trying to get some air circulating under the roof," said Tom
fanatically. (Fun With Words)

"I have the ten through ace of spades," said Tom high-handedly. (Jason
Dias)

" This little spade beats your Ace," Donald trumped..(Stan Kegel)

"Let's play poker," said Tom in a drawn-out manner. (Bob Dvorak)

"Europe needs more self-restraint," said Tom continently. (Think.com)

"I compliment the company that makes the Macintosh computer," said Tom
applauding.(Fun With Words)

"I'd like the largest dog in the kennel," said Tom disdainfully. (Jason
Dias)

"My car has a problem with the steering," Tom stated straightforwardly.
(P. C. Swanson)

"I'm about to hit the golf ball," Tom forewarned. (Think.com)
< (Marsha Coleman)

Spotted in a garden centre: Up these steps for the sunken garden.

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
(Richard Lederer)

Phil Baker: Name a noisy fruit, like celery
Contestant: Beans (Kermit Schafer)

Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy? (Richard
Lederer)

A: Kerry
Q: How do you want me to get you back to old Virginny? (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Confucius says ... Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. (Curtis)

Your breasts get shorter in the sun (Your brown skin shining in the
sun) Don Henley “Boys of Summer” (David Trevas

A: Crackdown
Q: What's the most popular recreational drug among young inner-city
geese? (Gary Hallock)

Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
(Richard Lederer)

In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a
play? (Richard Lederer)

A: Spring creek
Q: What makes a waterbed squeak? (Gary Hallock)

Confucius says ... He who run behind bus get exhausted. (Curtis)

A: Kerry
Q: How do you want me to get you back to old Virginny? (Cynthia
MacGregor)

The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because “You Always Herd The Juana You
Love.” (Stan Kegel)

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. (Archives)

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator. (Dobhran)



Famous Quotes


Chicken Recipes



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arizona humor Weakly Hunerus News 08-27-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 08-27-04

IN THE NEWS * TOP HUMOR OF THE WEEK

Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore
and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs,
and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did
vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things
didn't come true! (James Carville)

The Gallup Poll revealed that half of Americans no longer think it was
worth going to war in Iraq. The other half support the war. They found
one voter with no opinion on the subject and that's only because Teresa
makes him answer the phone. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush tonight, acknowledging what he called the "overwhelming
importance" of ensuring that the upcoming Presidential election is fair
and accurate, and that "every person's vote is counted properly," has
designated a panel of Olympic judges to oversee matters in the U.S. "I
can't think of a better group of people to do it," said Bush. (Tom
Burke)

Homeland Security apologized to Senator Teddy Kennedy Friday after he
had been stopped and searched five times while flying between Boston
and Washington. His name was on a no-fly list. What kind of security is
this, do they want him to drive? (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratory announced a halt in classified work
until missing nuclear materials and weapons components can be found.
That's the way things have been going. Now we can't even find our own
weapons of mass destruction. (Argus Hamilton)

The CIA labeled a report that terrorists planned to kidnap Santa Claus
as top secret. (Orange County Register)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Capital Steps takes on Ralph Nader
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/nadermouth.mp3 or go to
http://www.capsteps.com/ for the songs of the past 6 weeks.

IN THE NEWS * COMIC STRIPS

Winning the issue of stem cell research Part one: Most people don�"t
like the idea of a president who is a religious zealot who�"s afraid of
science.! Make up a reason to oppose stem cell research that has
nothing to do with ethics or religion, something that scares people.
Just let dubya make something up, the more ridiculous the better. Bush:
Stem cell research will destroy America!⬝ (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Winning on Stem Cells, Part two. Put smart people on TV to explain
your completely ridiculous made-up assertion: Ashcroft: �SIt�"s
absolutely true that stem cell research can destroy America⬝ Rice:
Destroying embryos in exchange for medical cures means fewer babies and
more old people. Within a hundred years nearly 80% of the population
will be 120 years old or older. Tom Ridge: �SOur economy will collapse,
our enemies will invade us and we don�"t have a large enough stockpile
of ��Depends�" undergarments.⬝ (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

How to defeat stem cell research Part three. Uh-Oh! Your baseless
assertions may have to withstand the unflinching scrutiny of the
muckraking news media. �SMr. President. Here are you getting this
information that stem cell research will destroy America in 100 years?⬝
Bush: �SIt was ⬦ Um ⬦ This dude Russell told me.⬝ �SGood enough for us
chief.⬝ (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Defeating Stem Cell Research Part 4: Time for You-Know-Who: "We call
on all Muslims with knowledge of science and genetics to attack
America. Develop Baby-killing stem cell research that will destroy
their evil society. By the way, if I'm caught before November, it will
be completely coincidental." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Welcome aboard the Real Deal Express. I�"m John Edwards and ⬦ ��"t yet.⬝ (Prickly
City: Scott Stantis)

In Other News �SLifestyles of the Rich and Famous⬝ just announced merger
with �SPolitics Tonight.⬝ (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)

�SGrandma Midddleton, what was it like when you were young?⬝ �S⬝Well,
Wendie, those were simpler times. The whole family would gather around
the radio to listen ⬦⬝ �SThe whole family?⬝ �SYeah, it was before Howard
Stern.⬝ (The Middletons: Dunagin & Summers)

Attention, Campers. The following is a terror alert direct from the
Bush White House. Our intelligence indicates that Al-Qaida terrorists
are planning to hijack helicopters, gasoline tankers and limousines to
attack America! They also plan to hijack gay marriage, stem cell
research and patriotism! Oh, no. Wait ⬦ That's us." (La Cucaracha: Luis
Alcaraz)

IN THE NEWS * THE OLYMPICS

American gymnast Paul Hamm says he's willing to share his gold medal
with South Korean Yang Tae-Young. Hamm hopes the decision will smooth
over the judges' error, and keep the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"
from releasing a TV ad saying he didn't really deserve to win.(Jake
Novak)

Have you been watching the Olympics? The U.S. gymnasts won the golf
medal due to a mathematical error. It's the same way I got this show
(David Letterman)

The Olympics today laid down a new rule prohibiting judges from
checking their email during gymnastics. (Andy Borowitz)

Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to
Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side,
they get to keep their hands. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Olympic athletes and fans were shaken by an earthquake in Athens
earlier today. Most people were worried by the magnitude 4.5 quake,
except for the men's gymnastic judges who incorrectly calculated its
magnitude at only 3.5. (Jake Novak)

Athletes staying at the Olympic village have been told to dispose of
their syringes more carefully after two cleaners suffered needle stick
injuries. On the bright side, the cleaners grew to 6'8" and 320 pounds.
(Laffaday)

Israeli Gal Friedman has won the Gold Medal at the Athens 2004 Olympic
Games. It is the first ever Olympic Gold Medal for Israel. In response
to this Zionist achievement, the United Nations is considering a
resolution proposed by the Arabs and the Europeans, to condemn Israel
for its victory, and to impose sanctions on Israel for occupying the
most sought-after spot on the medal podium. (oy Vey)

A Canadian man who interrupted an Olympic diving final wearing a tutu
and tights has been jailed for five months. The man, who was
advertising an online gaming site, was charged with trespassing and
disturbing public order. A spokesman for the Greek Ministry of Public
Order said, "The prankster wanted to make an impression, he wanted to
be famous and he said he wanted to impress his wife. We arrested him
and he has been released and the justice will decide what to do."
(Humor-Expezz)

IN THE NEWS * THE SWIFT BOAT VETERANS

Great moments in Naval history:_
"I have not yet begun to fight!" (John Paul Jones � 1776)
"I have not yet begun to lie!"(Sift Boat Cmdrs for Truth"- 2004)
(Bill Schorr)

The Bush campaign has denied involvement in the Swift Boat ad saying
that the president has spent his entire life avoiding anything having
to do with Vietnam. (Craig Kilborn)

Despite accusations from the Kerry campaign, the "Swift Boat Veterans
for Truth" strongly denies it's working with the Bush campaign. The
veterans do admit they scheduled a series of strategy sessions with
Bush at a Texas Air National Guard base... but for some reason the
President n
war was "a sham." "It never happened," said Thurlow. "The so-called
'war' was nothing more than an immense government con game." Thurlow
claimed that he and the other Swift boat veterans spent the so-called
war years "sunning themselves on beaches in the Mediterranean," and
that not only did John Kerry take part in that, he was "the tannest of
them all." (Tom Burke)

Swift Boat Veterans claimed John Kerry lied about his heroics in
Vietnam. He did earn his Purple Heart. No one wants to say he was
campaigning for president on the battlefield, but he insisted the Viet
Cong only shoot him from his best side. (Argus Hamilton)

Kerry on proposed withdrawing of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads:
"Now, we can move on and put this behind us so that I can concentrate
on telling people how everything that President Bush is doing is wrong
and how I would have done exactly the same thing he is doing, except
differently." (Marcelo Lewin)

A group calling itself the Delaware River Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
charged today that George Washington's heroic role in the famous river
crossing to attack the Hessians in Trenton was greatly exaggerated for
future political purposes. None recall him standing up in full uniform
as his boat negotiated a raging ice filled river. Matter of fact the
river was relatively calm for December and old GW crossed comfortably
seated in one of the later boats. They also note that during the long
Valley Forge encampment he had lived at a well heated farmhouse while
his troops were suffering in-tents-ly. (Ken Pinkham

Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end
to the controversy over Sen. John Kerry's Vietnam War service, warning
that the continuing swift boat flap was distracting attention away from
her. Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told
reporters that the controversy "has overshadowed the issues that really
matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick
Carter [of The Backstreet Boys]." (Andy Borowitz)

Democratic nominee John Kerry today blasted a just-released attack ad
in which a new group of swift boat veterans accuse him of performing
hundreds of gay weddings on the boat he commanded during that conflict.
The ad, financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans For
Truth About Gay Weddings On Swift Boats, accuses Sen. Kerry of using
his status as commanding officer on his boat to perform gay weddings on
an almost non-stop basis. According to one veteran who appears in the
ad, Mr. Kerry stunned his boatmates by announcing, �SI hereby declare
this swift boat ��The Love Boat.�"⬝ (Andy Borowitz)

IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

The Republican National Committee announced today that President George
W. Bush's acceptance speech at the convention next week would be
simulcast in English. (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry sought out Hillary Clinton Tuesday to be a media responder
during the GOP Convention. Imagine the coverage. Every time the
Republicans pontificate on the sanctity of marriage, the television
networks will have to give her equal time. (Argus Hamilton)

The Republicans are in town and they're going to be in town doing two
things � slander John Kerry and try to get laid. (David Letterman)

We're already starting to get some Republicans in town for the
convention. You know what that means -- by this time next week it will
be impossible to hail a cab or a hooker. (David Letterman)

Homeland Security officials will be advising people attending the
Republican National Convention about all the terror threats and what
could happen in the event of an attack. But they admit it will be hard
to frighten the delegates aft />city instead offered them use of the West Side highway. Organizers said
that site lacks drinking water and other facilities. So, long story
short, they're going to have it over at Jeremy Friedman's apartment.
It's a studio, but it has a loft, so it's got a spacious feel.
Actually, the reason cited by the city for shutting off the park to
protestors? Concern over the damage it would to do to the grass.
One-hundred million (dollars) spent on security, and they're hung up on
lawn care. Honestly, if next week comes and our worst problem is
divots, I'll be pretty damn pleased. (Jon Stewart)

The city was shocked yesterday as naked demonstrators congregated near
the site of the Republican National Convention. But the nude citizens
say they weren't really protesting, it's just that getting naked is the
only way to get near Madison Square Garden these days without getting
frisked. (Jake Novak)

1984 ⬢ 20 YEARS LATER

Ignorance is Strength (George Orwell)
Ignore any scientific evidence or rhetoric that suggests we may have
erred. The American people insist that I do what I know God wants me to
do and that is what I have consistently done. (Big Brother 2004)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

"We must always remember that all beings begin life as a feces. A
feces is a living being in the eyes of God, who has endowed that feces
with all the rights and God-given blessings of any other human being."
(George W. Bush, 6-17-04)

Bush on Cheney: �SMost of the time I have no clue what Dick does. He
keeps me in the dark about his business. That's ok with me though. It
frees me up to practice my golf swing." (Marcelo Lewin)

President Bush recently cut overtime pay for millions of Americans. Of
course, that's easy for him to do - he never works overtime! (Rob
Bates)

In an interview yesterday with the New York Times, President Bush
admitted that he "miscalculated" how strong the insurgency would be in
Iraq. But afterwards, he realized the bigger miscalculation was
agreeing to do an interview with the New York Times. (Jake Novak)

Meanwhile, another group of dental hygienists came forward today. �SWe
were there We cleaned the current President�"s teeth during his guard
service. We used the metal tools. He stayed in the chair the whole
time. The music was terrible. Those who claim we used only the little
rubber attachment are liars. He was rewarded a purple toothbrush. (Tom
Toles, The Washington Post)

The Bush campaign may be softening on the gay rights issue after Vice
President Dick Cheney appeared to reverse himself yesterday and seemed
to support gay marriage. But it's not clear if that reversal will mean
as much to homosexual activists as the tremendous work Donald Rumsfeld
and the Abu Ghraib commanders have done to further the cause of gay
porn on the Internet. (Jake Novak)

Dick Cheney shocked a town hall meeting in Iowa Tuesday when he
endorsed gay marriage. The pressure was just too much. Dick Cheney has
been showing signs of cracking up ever since President Bush said that
the oil belongs to the Iraqi people. (Argus Hamilton)

Cheney broke ranks with President Bush and says he supports gay
marriage and plans to gay marry soon. He's narrowed his list of target
husbands down to Charleton Heston, fashion critic Steven Cojocaru and
long time bachelor Uncle Sam. Now if he can just lose 25 pounds he can
fit into his dress. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dick Cheney in Iowa Tuesday backed gay marriages, yet his place on the
ticket isn't threatened. The evangelicals had to back off. Dick Cheney
came out in favor of gay marriage the same day Warner Brothers
announced Ellen DeGeneres will play God. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE on Sunday after the Detroit
lawyer was cited by police for picking up a hooker. Democrats should
know better than to look down on prostitution. It's the only industry
that isn't leaving the country. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry says the thing that makes him most uncomfortable about
running for president is all the people who want to introduce
themselves to him in the men's room. But he admitted that meeting
admirers in public restrooms is probably much more of a problem for
Governor Jim McGreevey. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry told New Yorkers Tuesday that the middle class is suffering.
He theorizes about the middle class for the same reason rocket
scientists play fantasy league baseball. It's a harmless way to stretch
your mind and everyone enjoys a good laugh. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry told the Daily Show Tuesday he wished Teresa got royalties
every time someone used ketchup. He was trying to cheer her up. When
the role of God went to Ellen DeGeneres in a remake of "Oh God," every
one of Teresa's friends told her she had been robbed. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edwards elicited cheers when he addressed a Baptist church in
Charlotte Sunday. He is positive and joyful by nature. It's the wrong
attitude for a vice president, whose duties are limited to attending
foreign funerals and starting wars. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * BILL & HILLARY CLINTON

Bill Clinton disappointed his many fans by turning down an offer by
producer Lorne Michaels to host Saturday Night Live the weekend before
the presidential election this November. He's just too busy. After all,
Saturday night is date night. (Argus Hamilton)

American Evita is a book by Christopher Andersen that aims to expose
Hillary Clinton. It says she beat her husband over his infidelity.
Whenever he appeared in public with a black eye or facial lacerations
you knew he was having a good week. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton visited the nation of Iceland
Wednesday. It is a positive sign. Iceland is famous as the place where
all the Cold War arms treaties were negotiated, so you see, they really
are trying to save their marriage. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Experts are now saying that the failures of the Abu Garib prison may
implicate Donald Rumsfeld. In response, Rumsfeld stripped the experts
naked and walked them around on a leash. (David Letterman)

A U.S. soldier has married an Iraqi woman in Baghdad. It was a unique
wedding. Instead of rice, the crowd outside the chapel threw grenades.
(Alan Ray)

Admiral David Nash was set in Baghdad Monday to dish out eighteen
billion to help rebuild Iraq's economy. It won't be long now. Whenever
a nation loses a war to the U.S., it is only a matter of time before
they are the world's leading automaker. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY

Doughnut chain Krispy Kreme has announced a surprising drop in profits
and a gloomier outlook for future growth. That's bad news for Krispy
Kreme employees, investors, and the hundreds of lawyers planning to sue
the company in obesity lawsuits. (Jake Novak)

Rupert Murdoch has moved his media headquarters from Australia to New
York. He reportedly wants to be closer to his primary non-journalism
enterprise. The Fox News Channel. (Alan Ray)

Health insurance companies may no longer provide customers with the
anti-arthritis medication Vioxx, because studies show it can cause
heart disease in elderly patients. But experts say the heart attacks
only occur when seniors see how much the drug costs. (Jake Novak)

In response to the Enron and WorldCom scandals, more companies are
using rigorous investigations to weed out potential liars, thieves and
the hurricane. Not to
help the people but to fix the crooked voting machines. (David
Letterman)

New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey resigned after admitting he's gay but
refused Tuesday to leave office before November. He infuriated race car
drivers. From now on every time the announcer says they are driving
with a governor on them, people will talk. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Piscopo announced he's running for governor. And all of New Jersey
is asking, can we just keep the gay guy? (Craig Kilborn)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

Federal officers seized nearly 2000 marijuana plants worth $7 million
in Los Padres National Forest. A spokesman for Attorney General
Ashcroft characterized the bust as "a major victory in our continuing
battle to bring chronic pain suffers and chemo-therapy patients to
their knees. (Wit Wizard)

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology revealed Monday that a meteor
missed slamming into the earth last spring by five thousand miles. How
close is that? Four hours later the Supreme Court ruled that G-d stays
in the Pledge of Allegiance. (Argus Hamilton)

A new study shows that surgeons who play video games performed
difficult techniques 40% better than their colleagues who didn't play
the games. But neither group was able to do anything
well with their hands after filling out all the day's required
insurance forms. (Jake Novak)

The Guinness Book of World Records said Monday it's monitoring a woman
in Malaysia in a locked glass box. She is trying to claim the world
record for the longest stay inside a roomful of scorpions. The previous
record is held by Judge Lance Ito. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys will ask Arlington voters on Election Day to pass a
bond issue to build a new stadium. It's time. The old playing surface
looks like a dirt field because in thirty years they sniffed all the
white lines and smoked all the grass. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to play the Lord in a
remake of "Oh God." Apparently Hollywood producers believe choosing a
lesbian comedian to play God will help them achieve their ultimate goal
of angering the last few Evangelical Christians they haven't already
offended. (Jake Novak)

Religious groups are already protesting the choice of lesbian Ellen
DeGeneres to play God in the "Oh God" remake. But most movie fans are
relieved that at least she won't be trying to play someone who's
straight. (Jake Novak)

�SThe Passion of the Christ⬝ DVD comes out next week. The rental fee at
Blockbuster is part of the promotion. On the third day, it�"ll rise
again. (Alan Ray)

"The Passion of the Christ" comes out on DVD this week. It also
includes outtakes. During the Sermon on the Mount, the crowd does the
wave. (Alan Ray)

This year's MTV Video Awards will be held in Miami instead of New York.
The network says it wanted a change of scenery, needed to lower costs,
and wanted to make sure the climate was warm enough for all the
recording stars when they inevitably take their clothes off. (Jake
Novak)

The MTV Awards will be handed out on Sunday. No one is expecting
Jessica Simpson to win anything. Critics predict she will likely walk
away empty headed (Alan Ray)

Victoria's Secret is having a Janet Jackson Summer sale: All bras are
half off.

Jenna Jameson�"s �SHow to Make Love Like a Porn Star⬝ is on the New York
Times Bestseller List. It�"s available in 3 editions. Hardback,
paperback, and flat on your back. (Alan Ray)

Donald Trump said on Sunday he's set to open a new Donald Trump Country
Club in Palos Verdes, California. approved by two major
lobbyists. (Alan Ray)

Educators in Washington, DC are in hot water for using a picture of a
gun to represent the letter "G" in a first-grade coloring book. The
kids kept refusing to color the page unless they got something with a
little more firepower. (Jacob Novak)

New York City Public schools have decided not to require teachers to
show high school students how to put on and use a condom. The biggest
problem was that half the male teachers in the city kept volunteering
to demonstrate the condoms on themselves. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Painter Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” was stolen from an art museum in
Norway. Police have issued an APB. The thieves are considered armed and
extremely existential. (Alan Ray)

Museum with picture missing and man standing in its place. Sign says,
"Next Scream 11:30 AM" Cultural Exchange Program: The United States
announced today that until the thieves are caught and the Edward Munch
paintings are returned, the State Department will lend the Norwegian
government Howard Deqan. (Jeff Danziger, Los Angeles Times)

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwell’s prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)




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arizona humor Elisabeth

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will
be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought
boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in
spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh
refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the
first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over
the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and
let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the
promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why
the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to
release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of
research by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychiatrist, to find
the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the
Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was
obvious. The Pharaoh was still in de Nile. (By Stan Kegel)

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 1926-2004






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Subject: Texas

Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848).

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins President over Bush. We'll miss you, too. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our own hands.




Here is our solution:

First, let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 of them)

Second, George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT., Texas A&M, TCU, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more).

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the Gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.


Signed,



The People in Texas



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arizona humor Funny Book Titles

From: "Leslie S"

Don't miss out on reading that fabulous new novel of which The New York
Times Says
"Take a moment to check out this well timed literary work!!",

'The Right Moment'- by Nick O. Time

Another favorite of mine, despite the fact that it is not a pun is...

How to Raise your IQ by Eating Gifted Children. - Lewis B. Frumkes



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arizona humor Double Decker Buses are so much fun!

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of
all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and
the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team
down below was whooping it up and having a great time when
one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the
blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the
blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road
and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette
asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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arizona humor Noah in the year 2004

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks
to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people
and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big
problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish
and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

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arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 08-24-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-24-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

How do you drive a baby buggy?
Tickle the bottom of his feet (Rita, 8)

What did the apple say to the apple pie?
"You've got some crust." (Kristen, 7)

What did the big toe say to the little toe?
"There's a big heel following us." (Janice, 6)

Why did the dentist appear to be very unhappy
Because he looked down in the mouth (Stan Kegel)

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque. (Ginny)

Where are you most likely to get a flat tire?
When there is a fork in the road. (Ross, 9)

What did the snake say to his girlfriend after they argued?
�SC'mon, let's hiss and make up.⬝ (Daily Groaner)

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
By its bark! (Breonna, 10)

Why was the little horse unhappy?
Because every time it wanted something, its mother would say, "Neigh."
(Archives)

Why did Zorro engage in so many sword fights?
He was leading a double life (Annette, 12)

What did they give the pupil who completed his punishment?
A clean slate. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What do elves eat?
Shortbread (Nivedha, 10)

What type of food keeps a dog quiet?
A hush puppy. (Lederer & Ertner)

Where do bees go after they get married?
On their honey-moon (Daily Groaner)

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir! (Adam, 12)

What did the beaver say to the tree?
"It's been nice gnawing you." (Archives)

Why did the little moron ask her father to sit in the refrigerator?
She wanted ice cold pop. (Bill Edwards)

What do you call it when a group of owls get together to play banjos
and guitars?
A Hootenanny (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What game do mother hens play with their chicks?
Peck-a �boo (Danielle, 11)

What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing (Deanna, 12)

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind. (Archives)

Why Are Fire Trucks Red?
Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make
12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen
Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the
seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians
and Russians are red . . . and fire trucks are always rushin'
therefore, fire trucks are red! (GMNI Rising)

If you want to learn how to fight, what book should you read?
A scrapbook. (Rocky, 10)

Why did the little girl eat bullets?
She wanted her hair to grow in bangs. (Constance, 8)

Why did the little moron move to the city?
Because he heard the country might go to war. (Bill Edwards)

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole. (Art, 11)

Why did the little moron cut a hole in the rug?
So he could see the floor show. (Bill Edwards)

What happened to the fighter at the shopping center?
He was malled (Mike Benny)

Why are Egyptian children good children?
Because they respect their mummies. (Jeremy. 8)

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit. (Archives)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

I wanted to buy goose feathers to make a pillow but I didn�"t have
enough money for the down payment. (Stan Kegel)

When the police chief announced his crime crackdown, his remarks were
arresting. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

A scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals trying
to prove his theorem when he fell into the vat and became part of th huge briefcase in his hand during the enire trial, but
finally he rested his case. (Pun of the Day)

People who like gold paint have a gilt complex. (Mike Bull)

If an amateur musician attempts to perform a difficult violin piece, Is
that not bowed well? (Gary Hallock)

Nina called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it
and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it
plugged in." She replied, "I didn't want to waste electricity, so I
only plug it in when I want to know what time it is." (Carol's Humor)

His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot
down. (Mike Bull)

Why did the little moron keep running around her bed?
He was trying to catch up with his sleep. (Bill Edwards)

Students who accent their textbooks with color markers add a real
highlight to their day (Pun of the Day)

Old race car drivers never die, they just write their auto biography.
(Mike Bull)

There was an editor who put in a good word for a new reporter. (Pun of
the Day)

Lightning storms can be very striking. (Pun of the Day)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

You can fool all the people all the time. Write a diet book. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)

Boy reading a dictionary to another, �SIt�"s a cordless spell checker!⬝
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Divorced men are hus-beens. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Patient: �STell it to me straight, Doc. Am I going to die?⬝ Doctor:
Larry, that�"s the last thing you�"re going to do⬝ (Flo & Friends: Gibel
& Campbell)

The low-carb diet is all about waist disposal (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

�SWe just installed these new outdoor speakers that look like granite
boulders.⬝ �SI�"ll bet they�"re great for playing rock music!⬝ (Nancy: G &
B Gachrist)

Some bathers need to be licensed to wear a bikini (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

�SI�"m starving. How long will dinner be?⬝ �SHow should I know. I just
cook it. I don�"t measure it.⬝ (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

To err is Human. To blame it on others is politics. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)




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arizona humor WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE
ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!


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arizona humor Puns of the Weak 08-23-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-23-04

THE ONE-LINERS

When the big bad wolf donned ewe�"s clothing instead of a ram�"s, he
became a cross-dresser. (K. C. Doyle)

The reason so few women are politicians is that it?s too much trouble
to put makeup on two faces. (J. Breitmeyer)

Nothing can replace the bikini-and it often does! (Richard Lederer)

When the bumbling military general who got behind on his house payments
came into a little money, did he make an advance to arrears? (Gary
Hallock)

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.(Tommy Cooper)

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."
(Bill Murray in "What About Bob?)

I always thought one of the vital turning points in our nation's
history was when we gave the people of Absentia the right to vote.
(Brad Simanek)

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.(Tommy Cooper)

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
As many can you afford? (Dobhran)
I know there are two men my wife loves more than me . . . Ben & Jerry.⬝
(Flight Desk: Peter Waldner)

He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."(Tommy Cooper)

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. (Dobhran)

I wonder if Snickers got its name because that's what it does when it
points out to 3 Musketeers that they don't have any nuts. (Brad
Simanek)

I keep a bottle of writing fluid on my window sill as a look out.
After all, Ink Spots. (Joseph Harris)

We know about the precipitation in the Pacific Northwest. One would
expect that because it's Rainier in Washington. (Bob Dvorak)

They've just unveiled a new monument to volcanoes in Washington State.
While they were removing the curtain, it hung up a bit, causing the
foreman to tell his worker, "Pull man!" (Clynch Varnadore)

Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging (Pun of the Day)

Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control
pills into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month. (Gard
Webster)

When my wife Ann presented me with our first child, I said, "This is
our cheerleader." As our sons came after that I said, "This is our
quarterback, this is our center," and so on. When the sixth child came,
Ann said, "This is the end." (Bobby Bowden)

In the Science Museum in Washington's capital the various rooms are
named for famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room is the Olympia Newton
John. (Bob Dvorak)

My daughter's studying natural medicine and I'm rooting for her. (Pun
of the Day)

In which Olympic event are the athletes most likely to use marijuana?
The high jump (Joseph Harris )

South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)

A man walked into the doctor�"s office. He said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"(Tommy
Cooper)

QUOTES

Love thy neighbor-but don't get caught! (Richard Lederer)

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two
such words together. (Charles Dickens)

When a man listens to a woman, she takes pleasure in his interest. And
if he continues to play his cards right, she might also take an
interest in his pleasure. (Mardy Grothe)

It's sobering to think there was a time in this country everything they've stolen. (Mort Sahl)

Advice to expectant mothers: You must remember that when you are
pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the
other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go
overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the
other person they're eating for is Orson Welles. (Dave Barry)

93% of all drivers are below average. (Dave Barry)

Women are unpredictable, Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. (Haust
Javeri)

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. (Ray
Bradbury)

"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good
woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can
stand." (George Burns)



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John 16:3 and John Kerry - Email Hoaxes John 16:3

Email Hoaxes John 16:3

arizona humor Funny Book Titles

The French Chef - by Sue Flay
Unemployed - by Anita Job
Off to Market - by Tobias A. Pigg
I Lived in Detroit - by Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please - by Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah
Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops
Cloning - by Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum
Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV - by Eddie Buddyhome
Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee
The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic
House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River - by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger - by Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green
No! - by Kurt Reply
And Shut Up! - by Sid Downe
40 Yards to the Latrine - by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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arizona humor Preggars

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood
in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during
my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my
baby was sitting on a nerve."

The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to
it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can
stay there till they're 18."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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arizona humor Hotel security...

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the
place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he
says, "AHA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his
Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the
disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds,
"How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay
at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you
complained of the chandelier falling on them."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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Unfit for Command
Unfit for Command Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry

Unfit for Command
Unfit for Command Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry

John Kerry Hoax - John Kerry's Favorite Bible Verse: John 16:3

He Thinks He's Famous
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
-- Henry Kissinger (1923-)

arizona

arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 08-21-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-21-04

THE GROANERS

We were clearing a small area on our land today to park our pontoon
boat trailer. I sustained some cuts from thorns and got whacked a
couple of times by tree limbs. I know I will have sore muscles from
wielding the machete and the hacksaw but some of the toughest work was
pulling the snaky weeds that were choking some of the trees. After
playing tug of war with one I said to Jim, "Well, this is another vine
mess you've gotten us into, Ollie!" (Tiff Wimberly)

When I was young, my family was really poor. Everything I wore - socks,
blouses, even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my
mother. I wasn't the smartest or the prettiest, but I sure was the best
darned kid in the neighborhood! (Clean Lauhs)

A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men,
philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of
belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have
achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Our
traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the
participants in this conclave were drenched, except the
asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were
roofed. "That's incredible", said the traveler. "Not at all", said his
native guide, "for is it not sung of in America, even on Broadway,
`Bliss