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9.04.2004

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9.03.2004

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Humor and Jokes

Trapped Parachutist


Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"


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9.02.2004

Famous Quotes - Famous Quotations

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9.01.2004

arizona humor Sunday is a holiday


Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was
taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was
surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high
branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't
open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've
told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
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NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-01-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-01-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Beautician: A dyeing breed (Stan Kegel)

Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)

Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte)

Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)

Admiration: used by backpackers when pooling resources as in, "How much
do we have when you ADMIRATION?" (Douglas Drill)

Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)

Bach Chorale : The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
(Stan Kegel)

Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)

Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell
Beland)

Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)

Alienate: a science fiction term as in, "What happened when the
ALIENATE those people?" (Douglas Drill)

Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)

Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)

Biased: Having two bottoms (Willie Meikle)

Post Offices: Governmental stamping grounds. (The Comedy Vault)

Formally: "Today she's a millionaire, but formally she tried to make a
living as an English teacher." (Richard Lederer)

Benefactor: "That little hop might have BENEFACTOR in her losing the
gold." (Stan Kegel)

Dilate: Statistics show that many people DILATE at night in their
sleep. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)

Builder: Asked her for payment (Paul Pence)

Gossip: Someone who suffers from acute indescretion. (Don & Sara
Probasco)

Traveler's Check: Airport security. (Sandy Sibert)

Pain: "I'm tired of pain these high prices." (Richard Lederer)

Elapse: "He is so fast that I wouldn't be surprised if ELAPSE the
field." (Stan Kegel)

Unless: More (UGA)

Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
have. (Don & Sara Probasco)

Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)

Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
Lederer)

Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)

POETRY

When you swim in the sea
and an eel bites your knee;
that's a moray.
(Spider Robinson)

A New Zealander man,
With a permanent tan,
That's a Maori
(Keith Martin)

When two patterns combine,
in a way serpentine;
that's a moire.
(Spider Robinson)

A politician who thinks,
That the'Labor Party stinks,
That's a Tory!
(Keith Merritt)

He tells jokes; he's a ham;
his last name's Amsterdam;
that's a Morey.
(Spider Robinson)

If "King Kong" had gone flat,
Rent the flick "Vampire Bat";
That's some more Wray.
(Spider Robinson)

On a train is a new piece of gear
That improves the ability to hear.
It's an aural device
That performs so darn nice
It's been given the name "Engineer Ear."
(Kirk Miller)

Some gard'ners when plagued by a fowl,
Say bad words to birds and they growl
But I am too kind
Such birds always find
I'm likely to throw in the trowel
(Gary Hallock)

'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
something better will turnip,' said he.
So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
the wedding to stage,
they spud, and it took but a second
in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
Appeasing the bill le Tom kidded. (Think.com)

"Don't ever leave my kid alone with Uncle Lester," the baby's mother
insisted. (Gary Hallock)

"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily. (Asa Sparks)⬢

"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)

"I think as a congressman I'm entitled to free male," said Tom gaily.
(Jason Dias)

"These are my parents," said Einstein relatively (Stan Kegel)

"Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)

â¬SA man's home is his castle,⬝ said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
Kegel)

"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Auto Racing: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie
Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)

"Romeo and Juliet were so in love. One night they secretly exchanged
vowels..." (Juel Goldstock)

"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)

"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
Goldstock)

Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Spotted at the railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the
lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.

Ad: Full service Racquet Club with sex tennis courts including two
lighted tennis courts. (Stephen Mesi/Steve Harvey)

Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms.

Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive.

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

Why can your nose run and your feet smell? (Richard Lederer)

Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private
mess? (Richard Lederer)

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride
bikes called cyclists? (Richard Lederer)

Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the customers
who do the waiting? (Richard Lederer)

Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we
put print on it, we call it a newspaper? (Richard Lederer)

Did you hear that the school system demanded a PC version of the Harper
Lee novel?
Tickle a Mockingbird. (Wayne Rodgers)

Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)

How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)

"Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)

"Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)

"Personal House Construction" by Bill Jerome Home (Laurie Ann Poole)

"Marrying Young" by Robin D. Cradle (Stan Kegel)



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arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 08-31-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-31-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring. (Raymond, 11)

Is this water healthy for swimming?
Absolutely! It's well water. (Douglas Helsel)

Why is a robber strong?
Because he holds people up. (Truman, 11)

What did the ocean do to the shore?
He waved (Amber, 11)

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing (Nathan, 10)

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny. (Daily Groaner)

What happens when a Dalmatian takes a shower?
Its spotless (Kimberly, 11)

Why did the little moron through the clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see if time could fly. (Bill Edwards)

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one (Jewel, 13)

Why did the Police Dog chase his tail?
He wanted to make ends meet.

What do you get when you cut your finger while slicing your pastrami
sandwich?
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (Ben Schwalb)

Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Holy smokes! (Gunjan Seraf)

Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
Because it didn't know how to conduct itself.

What do you call a sad tree?
A weeping willow (Jennifer, 8)

What does a vampire call his parents?
Mummy and batty (Esther, 9)

Why did the banker fire the loan officer?
Lack of interest (Anne Kostick)

What is a boxerâ¬"s favorite drink?
Punch.

Why does the little moron wet his favorite shirt before putting it on?
The label says, â¬SWash and wear.⬝ (Bill Edwards)

Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes?
Because he wanted to raise cane.

What sign did the real estate agent put in the yard of the little old
lady who lived in a shoe?
Soled (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why didnâ¬"t the coach trust his team?
There were too many sneakers in the locker room. (Natali, 9)

What did the class call the instructorâ¬"s dog?
Teacherâ¬"s pet (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What did the shoelace say to the other shoelace?
That's knot mine (Rylee, 11)

Where did Mother Goose leave her trash?
At the Humpty Dump (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather. (Sandy Sibert)

Who do mice see when they are sick?
Hickory Dickory Doc (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Where do kangaroos carry their young?
In a male pouch (Gary Hallock)

Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
Because they don't want to be called bagels (Veronica, 12)

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

What wears a coat all winter and pants all summer?
A Police Dog.

Why did the little moron spray his apartment with DDT?
He heard that it might be bugged. (Bill Edwards)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

When a new baby comes into a family, many 'changes' are necessary (Mike
Bull)

A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When
asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me.
(Sandy Sibert)

A lawyer held a huge briefcase in his hand during the entire trial, but
finally he rested his case. (Pun of the Day)

Nina called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it
and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it
plugged in." She replied, "I didn't want to waste electricity, so I
only plug it in when I want to know what time it is." (Carol's Humor)

If you build your house on a crack in often played the violin with his wife, but she never played second
fiddle. (Pun of the Day)

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in
crowns. (Mike Bull)

With a gun in the kitchen, you can take a potshot. (Tony Thoennes)

A guy drove his car until the day of wreckoning? (Pun of the Day)

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a
partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray
Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

A computer student was told to work harder in school or he wouldn't get
an up-grade. (Pun of the Day)

Do you carrot all for me, for my heart beets for you, and my Love is as
soft as a squash, but as strong as an onion. For you are a peach, with
your radish hair and turnip nose. You are the apple of my eye, so if we
cantaloupe then lettuce marry anyhow, for I know we would make a happy
pair. (Syman Hirsch)

He : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
She : Okay, get out! (Krish)

Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish. (Questar)

Making your own pot is usually just kiln time. (Stan Kegel)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Two ears of corn talking: â¬SNot the Willie Maize?⬝ (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves)

Does thinking about the office before you go to sleep count as
overtime? (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Hippy talking to his lawyer in court: â¬SWhoa, Dude. You mean joint
custody is about the kid?⬝ (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)

Some peoples cooking is so bad, they have to force-feed the garbage
disposal. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Ziggy being interviewed for a job with the Acme Deep-Sea Diving Co. Is
asked, â¬SDo you work well under pressure?⬝ (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)

Some floating debts are called yachts. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

â¬SDr Aver, I think Iâ¬"m Manic-Depressive. What should I do?⬝ â¬SCalm down.
Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up.⬝ (Flo & Friends:
Gibel & Campbell)

Unemployed teachers have no class. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

â¬SI didnâ¬"t know you played.⬝ â¬SKevâ¬"s a guitar God. Tell her Kev.⬝
â¬SModesty forbids⬝ â¬SSo you know all the chords then?⬝ â¬SEr, Yes. Of
course. Although we musicians prefer to call them â¬stringsâ¬", not
â¬cordsâ¬".⬝ (Mullets: Stromoski & Mc Garry)

Love, honor and cherish, until debt do us part. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)



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arizona humor Charitable giving...

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures
of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he
reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling:
moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned,
a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several
hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to
investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "I already
gave at the office!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor World's easiest quiz ...



World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama Hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6.The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers at the end of the mailer.







JoannasJokes
making the world a better place,
a laugh at a time!
You are invited to join JoannasJokes for clean jokes,
trivia, little known facts, recipes and incidental information at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joannasjokes/join/ ... one of
the fastest growing joke sites on the web!!!

P.S. Please forward this to all of your friends!!!



Answers To The World's Easiest Quiz

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years.
2. Which country makes Panama Hats? Ecuador.
3. From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and horses.
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November.
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur.
6.The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs.
7. What was King George VI's first name? Albert.
8. What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand.
10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?
























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arizona humor File - This list has something for everyone.


This list has something for everyone.

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It is called Christmas Cards (from the edge?) but we are not yet sure what it will end up being.
Join and contribute ideas if you have an interest in helping get that going.

Thank you,
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Webmaster Talk
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Bluetooth
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Best Cellular Sites
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Top Christmas Sites
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Best Writing Sites
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Worldwide Top Wireless LAN | WLAN Hotspots Sites
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Worldwide Top Famous Recipes Sites
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Quote Books
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Friendship Quotes
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Famous Quotes About
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Arizona High Tech Talent Partnership - AZHTTP
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Settle My Estate
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Domain Name Registration and Hosting Services
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Famous Quote Famous Quotes
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Fairy Tales
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Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tales
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Recipes
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Chicken Recipes
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Italian Recipes
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Famous Quotes
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Christmas Quotes
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Love Quotes
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Cellular Phones
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Free Internet Jokes
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Good Clean Jokes
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Healthy Chicken Recipes
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Life Story Writing Network
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Writing Resources
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Thelly's Place
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Love Poems | Love Quotes | Love Songs
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My Wireless LAN
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Quotations R Us
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Famous Quotes and Jokes
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Reasons For Faith Ministries
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Search Engine Lists
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Stockhelp Network
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Virus Hoax Busters
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Top Quotations
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Top Ten Humor (Top 10 Humor)
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Warchalking
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Wireless LAN
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WLAN Forum
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World Famous Recipes
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Writing Resources
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Famous Recipes Search
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WAP Sites Search
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Virus Hoax Search
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Bluetooth Search
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cake recipes
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candy recipes
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casserole recipes
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chicken recipes
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More chicken recipes
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Lots more chicken recipes
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chicken soup recipes
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chinese recipes
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Christmas recipes
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Chicken Recipes
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Italian Recipes
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Jewish recipes
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low-carb recipes
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low-fat recipes
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Mexican recipes
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salsa recipes
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slow-cooker recipes
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steak recipes
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sugar-free recipes
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tomato recipes
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turkey recipes
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vegetable recipes
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..Iced.Poetry..
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Christmas
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Dragon Ball Z - Ring of Power
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Erin's Ring of Harry Potter Insanity
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Europe for Independent Travellers Webring
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Famous Quotes and Famous Sayings Network
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FOOD AND RECIPES webring
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FoxTails Literature Ring
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Heartland Recipe Webring
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Hobby Ceramics
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Jus ring=preownedbooks

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8.31.2004

MoreGoogle (not from Google): add features to Google - including Thumbnails

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Unfit for Command: Scary John Kerry and Vietnam

Unfit for Command Book and Video
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Internet SEO Marketing Resources

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Hispanic Heritage Month Celebrations

Hispanic Heritage Month
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An 8 year old boy walks home from school

An 8 year old boy walks home from school

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
the girl. He holds up
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up
the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!" She
runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of
parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next
day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she promptly pulls
up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
that as long as I have
one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!




Love Quotes
Famous Quotes

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Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Puns of the Weak 08-30-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-30-04

THE ONE-LINERS

South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army, although
ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)

A nun was kicked out of the order for inappropriate attire: sheer
habit. (Pun of the Day)

Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Richard Lederer and
P. C. Swanson)

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said
the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get
you into hot water. (Franklin P. Jones)

Hear about the new restaurant that specializes in venison dishes? It's
called "The Buck Stops Here." (Marsha Coleman)

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk

A test-tube baby has a womb with a view (Mike Bull)

The mathematician was confused when asked to cosine a loan. (Jason Dias)

My wife wants to spend all this money on new sod for our lawn, but I
think I'd rather just wait until someone has a yard sale. (Brad
Simanek)

When the ring sold for a premium price, the jeweler said it was a gem
of a sale. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

The Tuba player in the marching band was benched for being overweight
and unable to keep up with the band when parading. He took the matter
to court which meant that girth control had resulted in tubal
litigation. (Norm Silverstein)

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry
her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the alone."(Laff A Day)

The bible printer had omitted a whole chapter and now couldn't find a
Job. (Jason Dias)

The short-statured, pot-smoking pilot couldn't get highered. (Jason
Dias)

If you golf on election day, cast a absent-tee ballot. (Tony Thoennes)

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for
it. (Questar)

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in
a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

I bought a book guaranteed to help improve my memory...but I kept
forgetting to do the exercises. (Cynthia MacGregor)

If religion is a racket, why don't priests, at the start of each
sermon, ask, "Tenets, anyone?" (Jason Dias)

When underwear fell in the vat at a beer-makers, a scandal was brewing.
(Pun of the Day)

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
(Moni)

When a sudden wind blew a tree down on his car, he felt dis-gusted.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

You know that you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the
front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the
front desk says, "Go ahead". (Sydes)

Blessed are the cheesemakers for they are the curds and the whey
(Questar)

My friend had some fabulous hand-crafted wooden panels up on his house,
but tore them down to replace with vinyl. That was pretty ex- siding.
(Jason Dias)

The prophet spoke in parabolas until he lost his focus. (Bob Dvorak)

QUOTES

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(Foggieâ¬"s Funnies)

Men can be divided into two types: one likes to undress women with his
eyes; the other likes to eye women w

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer
legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great
Depression. (Dave Barry)

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)

Originality does not consist in saying what no one has ever said
before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself. (James Stephens)

‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't
defrost. (Caboom)

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (Ginny)

According to the Bible, woman was the last thing God made. It must have
been a Saturday night. Clearly, He was tired. (Alexandre Dumas, Fils)

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. (Lily Tomlin)




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John Kerry's Favorite Bible Verse Hoax - John 16:3

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Humor - political humor

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking. The tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.

"I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began
squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "you have come back for story?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you happen to have a bronze Democrat."



Love Quotes

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arizona humor (unknown)






Jokes from Joanna

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.

After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom."

~ Bob Hope

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

If Attorney's had brains... or
Cross Examinations can be fun!

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Questions withdrawn...

Q: And the youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Now the defendent, did he kill you?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

I went to th anything.
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arizona humor The New Boss


Jokes from Joanna

The New Boss

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new Boss. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers...

On a tour of the facilities, the Boss notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The Boss walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Unflinching, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The Boss then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the Boss looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

Just then the foreman comes into the room with his wallet in his hand. He looks around and says, "Hey! What happened to the pizza delivery guy?"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Grandpa Jensen was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The gents were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my dear wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage...
half shut afterwards."

~ Benjamin Franklin

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

~ Tommy Cooper

*******************************************************************




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arizona humor Life in a high tech society.




Jokes from Joanna

Cool, Calm, & Collected Colleen...

Two ladies, who hadn't seen each other in quite some time, met at the supermarket.

"How are you, Colleen?"

"Fine."

"And your husband?"

"Oh, Marvin died three weeks ago."

"What! I'm so sorry, I hadn't heard. Whatever happened?"

"He went out in the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and fell over, dead."

"I'm sorry. What did you do?"

"Opened a package of snow peas instead."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.

They are demanding to make less money!

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.

Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:

"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

No. It's not a cat it's...

A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

A wildlife control expert impersonator.

An un-programmable animal.

A four footed allergen.

A hair relocation expert.

A treat-seeking missile.

A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

A small, furry lap fungus.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Life in a high tech society.

There was this guy who worked with a systems help desk for a big company...

One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why the heck her computer wouldn't come on.

He then asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

She says "Yes."

He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

She said "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?"

So, he goes and takes a look at her computer.

She says, "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector."

The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."


*******************************************************************




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arizona humor Ooooops!

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."



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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 08-28-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-28-04

THE GROANERS

Olympic spectators in Athens this year may be surprised to note that
equestrian competitors from Barcelona tend to give their horses quite a
lot of slack as they put them through their paces. I guess it's true.
The reigns in Spain fall plainly on the mane. (Gary Hallock)

An elderly Kentuckian named Joshua was arrested for making illegal
whiskey. The judge, deciding that he'd have a little fun with the ol'
gent, asked: "Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" To
which Joshua replied, "No, sir. I'm the Joshua who made the moonshine
still." (James Ertner )

While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old
son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait
for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him
to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His
voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no
time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better get him one fast
before the insurance runs out!" (Mavis Hampton)

I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone
their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results,
and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
(Larry Hollister)

In an impressive display of talent, perseverance, and hard study, last
week the Roosevelt High School Math Team claimed the National
Championship. The five students returned home to a parade, bonfires,
medals, Keys to the City, and numerous other accolades. When all was
done, team Captain Frank Lasher claimed to have gone home and slept for
twenty-two hours straight. Said Lasher, "It was all I could do to stay
awake through the aftermath." (Bob Dvorak)

The three year old called his mommy at work and said, "Mommy, the
washer is broke." "Don't worry about that, honey. I'll wash the dishes
when I get home," said his mother. "That won't help, Mommy," said the
boy. "I know, honey, but it will have to do." When she got home that
night, she paid the babysitter in cash, as was customary. The girl
said, "Thanks, Mrs. Davis. I was really broke." (Jason Dias)

Years ago when I was helping pay my college expenses by working as a
department store sales clerk, at the toiletries counter. Donald, our
stock boy, a high school kid, was behind the counter putting stuff away
when this elderly lady addressed him: "Young man! Do you have cotton
balls?" Donald shot back, "Good God! I hope not!" They fired the poor
lad. (Lew Stewart)

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He
stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his
horse,waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes
in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers
into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone
Ranger replies. "Oh,"says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya
left your injun runnin?"

Harrison Ford was a carpenter before being discovered by George Lucas.
Not many people know he was also an inventor and an inveterate gambler.
He once developed a hand-held gadget that could predict where the
roulette ball would stop based on how hard the croupier turned the
wheel, thus preventing losing bets. It was the reader of the loss
torque.(Jason Dias)

I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Tooter Day)

Alas, all he wanted was to be the best barber in the world, even if
only by a hair, but />protruding from both nostrils and ears and forming a coarse beard,
velvet emerald pantaloons tucked into green-and white-striped socks
which in turn disappeared into black, buckled shoes, the professor said
to his assistant, "No, I said bring me a lexicon." (Jason Dias)

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hear- ing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's enter- tainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their per- formance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Daily Groaner)

In Singapore, an Indian passenger was detained for hours after another
traveler thought he had described himself as a 'Bosnian terrorist'. In
fact, the man had said he was a 'bass guitarist'. (Clean Laffs)

After I purchased a guitar and pawned my lawnmower, it took a full five
minutes for the pawn-shop guy to convince me to stop screaming and
cursing at him. I could've sworn his sign said, "Buy, Sell, Tirade!"
(Kremben)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political
differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table.
"You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but
hear me out." (Laffaday)

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.
Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she
spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer... "Pardon me,
ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to
read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them." (Clean
Jokes)

The tavern braggart was once again relating his sexual exploits. "You
know," he droned on, "I once had sex with the cutest lil' Oriental
stewardess right on the plane during an over-night flight. Hey, I
really put on a sustained performance that time. In fact, I was so damn
good, they oughta make a movie about it." A friend replied, "I think
they already did and it was called "Thirty Seconds over Tokyo." (Haust
Javeri)

I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem,
and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way
home. I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed
into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face,
and said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?" "The local funeral director," she said.
(Tony P.)

The United Brethren church in Parsons, Kansas was having a program, and
one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the
window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and
asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members
insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in
the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an
ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the
fateful day of the program. When her turn came, she stood up in front
of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his as Dvorak)

A teacher of a certain Eastern religion wrote a tell-all book exposing
his deepest secrets. Trouble was, everyone thought it was a fish
cookbook written by a stealer of pic-a-nic baskets. What was the title
of the book?
Yogi bears his soul / Yogi Bear's 'His Sole.'(Jason Dias)

It is spring. The fisherman catches a lamprey and watches it until its
heart stops. What do you call this moment?
Eel‘s last tick (Elastic) (Stan Kegel)

What medium should the psychic friends have used to disseminate their
predictions?
Tell-a-vision (Lars Hanson)

What‘s the most popular type of coffee sold at the donut shop near the
police station?
Cop-uccino (Gary Hallock)

Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight.
How did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
With flood lights (Stan Kegel)

Name the genius who invented the formula for calculating the specific
gravity of a mug of German beer as it sits atop a grand piano?
Einstein Weigh (Gary Hallock)

What could you call ten young female equine on a reform Kibbutz?
A Filly Minyon (Stan Kegel)

Olympic gymnasts are occupying prime-time TV these days. In my youth I
learned a single carpet maneuver, which might pun this riddle. ?
Back Flip (Bob Dvorak)

What kind of pie do Australian ghosts like best?
Boo Meringue (Gary Hallock)

What best-selling author was a carpenter from Utah? Morman Nailer
(Stan Kegel)

Scientists researching the predations of the snout beetle on the cotton
crop sought to find a way to prevent the beetles from reproducing. In
order to run their tests, they needed to have genetically identical
pairs of beetles as test subjects. An enterprising entomologist bred
such genetically matched beetle pairs and rented them out for tests. He
became known as what?
The lessor of the two weevils. (Lars Hanson)




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arizona humor Lawyers!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court
reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these
exchanges were taking place.


Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

______________________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
______________________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

______________________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

______________________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent
to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

A: Yes.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral. ____________ No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law
somewhere.



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arizona humor YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES


YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit
far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a
fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to
something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct
tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery
charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough the
first time?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [that's what he gets for eating
those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [definitely worthy of a headline!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [that was really giving of
himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over
again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I would
certainly hope so!]



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arizona humor Golf


Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his
front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your
country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see
your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the
designated meeting spot.

A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded,
"You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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Communists for KERRY

Communists For Kerry
Communists for KERRY

This Sunday, August 29 th, 2004, hordes of neo-imperialistic running dogs will descend on the freedom-starved city of New York for the so-called "GOP Convention."

Communists For Kerry have come up with a plan, to counter this reactionary cabal with a glorious uprising of the unwashed masses. We shall open the gates and bridges of New York to hundreds of thousands of unkempt workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia from many towns and villages across our great American motherland.

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MURPHY'S LAWS FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT

- The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional
to how long you've been a cop.

- Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always
blow back in your face.

- High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an
area of extremely heavy traffic.

- If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a
serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

- Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger
will cause you to walk with a limp.

- If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your
entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

- If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than
he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

- Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available
weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

- If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you,
you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.

- When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he
will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

- If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert,
within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for
directions.

- You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a
cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

- On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good
guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

- The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper
gets.

- Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you
killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

- You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose
nickname is "Boomer".

- If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department
will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a
house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.




Astronomy Column for September - September Skies
September Skies


Silver Star with combat V - Fake claims not uncommon - More John Kerry Controversy
Silver Star with combat V

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