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arizona humor It all depends on your perspective

He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and
haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He
especially hated paying his medical fees.

One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his
throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His
wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived
just as the patient's face was turning blue. The
physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.

After he was breathing normally again, although
overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his
life, he began to worry about the medical fees.

Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the
good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this
small two-minute job?"

The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too
well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have
when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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arizona humor The case of the missing .....

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby.
Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the
only one who would be using Female products, correct?

A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were
disappearing.

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a
tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just
bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new
box and forget about it.

The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and
viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here?
Gremlins? Total memory failure?

I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to
forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons'
closet and, Low and Behold! at ! the bottom of their closet are the
wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves!

Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with
them?!!

I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can
handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind.
Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR
THERAPY?"

I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here,
RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to
find me staring into the bottom of their closet.

I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE
Those are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is
silent.

My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we
were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD
missiles.

What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!!!!"




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arizona humor Weakly Humerus News for 09-10-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 09-10-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem,
of course, is that someone will win. (Barry Crimmins)

Bush pointing to picture of Kerry: Vote for him and there's no telling
what you'll get. Vote for me and you know exactly what you're getting.
(Chip Bok, The Akron Beacon-Journal)

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report. The Terror
Alert level has been heightened to Orange. The President fears the
nation has become unafraid. He cautions we are still vulnerable and a
catastrophic terrorist attack is not only inevitable, but probably
imminent. Mr. Bush reminds us our best defense against terrorism is to
carry on with our lives as usual. He warns us not to give in to fear;
if we do, the terrorists will win. So, we now return you to our
regularly scheduled program already in progress. Please try to enjoy.
(Author Unknown)

The A. C. L. U. today named The Men's Warehouse the "2004 Corporation
of the Year" for its guarantee of a free press. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush kicked off the Labor Day weekend with a surprise visit
to workers in Bangalore, India. (Ed Stein, The Rocky Mountain News)

Did you read this strange story of a woman that was caught trying pass
a counterfeit $200 bill with a picture of George Bush on it? Turns out
there is also a John Kerry bill -- pretty realistic, he's on both
sides. (Jay Leno)

Charley, Frances, maybe Ivan... seems like these Hurricanes are God's
warning to Florida _ in the tradition of Rev. Jerry Falwell or Pat
Robertson or whoever saying that the attacks on the twin towers was
"God's Judgment for America's declining moral values" - warning
Florida, "YOU_D BETTER NOT SCREW UP THE ELECTIONS LIKE YOU DID IN THE
YEAR 2000!!!" (Randall Woodman)

Nowadays, men of so-called Presidential timber are mostly bark.
(Venkatech).

Many GOP delegates laughingly adorned themselves with small purple
hearts, thus mocking a decoration honoring bloodied veterans who faced
the horrors of war fighting for our country. Ha, Ha, Ha. Isn't that
funny? (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES TO VISIT

The 10 Dumbest Quotes of Campaign 2004


Political Posters (Pro Kerry):


To Be A Republican http://www.kinseysicks.com/audio/republican.mp3

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

Gay Conservative talk host: "We're back. Some weeks ago, Senae
Republicans proposed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages
in order to protect the sanctity of straight marriages from, who knows,
gay cooties, I guess. The amendment never had a chance, of course. It
had no purpose other than to inflame the electorate!. But as a married
gay couple, Mark and I are puzzled." Mark: "Mystified, really."
"Shouldn't my fellow conservatives support our entering into a union
that promotes commitment, responsibility and fidelity?" "You'd think."
"Never mind we're thinking of getting divorced." "So we're a little
ahead of the curve. Big Whoop!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

At the Republican Convention: "Mark, I'm now talking to a 40ish medium
build white bald guy about the homeless problem" "Homeless problem?
What homeless proble? Who talks bout the homeless any more? Homeless is
so over!" "Oh? Bad news, Mark. I've been living a lie!" "Go home and
think it over, El." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"I say Martin Sheen's got the election all sewn up! He's strong, but
sensitive, decisive but introspective Jenning's smarty pants off!" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

"I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message." "Recently urban youth
have been receiving a lot of messages about voting. Some of it may be
confusing.. Is there reading involved? How do I work the voting
machine? Am I legally allowed to vote if I'm a felon? Politics is very
complicated an if you're unsure about the issues or your voting status,
you could be embarrassed even arrested, if you try to vote. And
depending on where you live, your vote may not even count! So before
you get up and go all the way to the polls, ask yourself, 'Is it really
worth it?'" "No Way Homie!!" Sign: Voting: If it ain't worth it, Homie
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

The Stem Cell Fiasco. Caught lying? Say anything!: Cheney: "Of course,
we didn't know we were getting intelligence from the ODB. It was the
CIA's fault." Rice: "We still believe that stem cell researchers and
their life-saving cures were a credible threat to this country. We did
the right thing." Bush: "Regardless of whether or not they were
actually terrorists, we can all agree the world is a better place with
those scientists dead!" (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

"Stem cell drama: To weather the storm you must think on your feet:
"Mr. President, did you deliberately exaggerate to the public about the
dangers of stem-cell research." "Um⬦ There's a um⬦ terror alert for um⬦
this building and" "You tried that yesterday, Mr. President."
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

The Stem wars: Epilogue: Destroy Kerry by asking him a really stupid
question: Bush: "Today, I have a simple yes-or-no question for my
opponent, 'Would you still support the elimination of terrorist stem
cell scientists even if they aren't necessarily terrorists?'" 'cause
he's stupid enough to answer it: Kerry: "I've been very clear on this.
Scientists are not terrorists. Yes, I would have killed them anyway.
But I would have asked our allies to help us!" (Boondocks: Aaron
McGruder)

"Is there anyone who still doesn't think deep down that the President
didn't lie about Iraq?" "Yeah, the same people who think Sarah Jessica
Parker actually shops at The Gap." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

"The Democrats will make America a bright shining city." "The
Republicans will make America a spectacular bright shining city." "A
land of kindness, love, wealth and joy!" "The very land that God
Intended." "An end to disease." "Goodbye, common cold." Observer:
"Dueling Optimists" (Rudy Park: Bell & Heir)

"Why don't Latinos vote more?" "Because it's free. If you charged to
vote, then Latinos would vote all the time! Maybe if voting had a good
layaway plan or charged 2.9% interest, and if 'voting' was a really
tricked out truck!" (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

I'ts obvious why Latinos and people in general don't vote. If the
candidates who ran for office were more interesting and had a lot more
credibility, maybe we'd vote for them. Posters "Cheech '04 I took
Spanish and got a 'B'" "Chong '04 Some pot in every pot." "I see your
point⬦"(La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

"Actress Rosario Dawson and singer J. Lo. are out motivating young
Latinos to vote." "No way! That's a lie!" "No, it isn't!" "Prove to me
that J. Lo. is a singer." (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

1984: The problem with gays is there's no commitment in their
relationships. Their promiscuity is a threat to traditional
institutions like marriage.
2004: The problem with gays is they want to get married, That's a
threat to traditional institutions like marriage. (Candorville: Darrin
Bell)

"So, how were things on the Raw Deal express?" "For two rich guys, Mr.
Kerry and Mr. Edwards seemed nice enough. For a couple of Repu angry. After four years of being in charge
of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not
gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already
down! (Jon Stewart)

In his speech tonight, President Bush said that America should create
an ownership society. For example, if you're homeless, buy a home.
Don't have a job? Buy a company, give yourself a job. These are simple
solutions. (Jay Leno)

Speaking about President Bush last night, Zell Miller said, 'I have
knocked on the door of this man's soul and found someone home.' See, he
originally tried to knock on the soul of Dick Cheney, but it had
already been sold to the oil companies. So, he went to the president
instead. (Jay Leno)

Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given
out a lot of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was
at Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller
fight. ... Zell Miller was just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to
interview him. The secret service had to take him down with a
tranquilizer (Jay Leno)

That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to
the 18th century. (Jon Stewart, on Zell Miller challenging Chris
Matthews to a duel)

There were so many journalists that I actually saw a news anchor being
interviewed by a print journalist while being recorded by a film crew.
(Scott Stantis, The Birmingham News)

Senator Zell Miller addressed the GOP Convention. He was once chief of
staff for Lester Maddox, he nominated Bill Clinton and now he's
endorsed George Bush. If they ever teach evolution in Southern schools,
it will be all about Zell Miller. (Argus Hamilton)

Arnold Schwarzenegger told the convention how he was welcomed to
America when all he could speak was German. That's nothing. His father
could only speak German and he was welcomed to Poland, France, and
Russia, if they knew what was good for them. (Argus Hamilton)

Elsewhere, the security team responsible for the Republican National
Convention was still trying to determine how a lunatic slipped into
Madison Square Garden and delivered the keynote address. (Andy
Borowitz)

1984 ⬢ 20 YEARS LATER

As a Compassionate Republican I believe a woman can't be trusted with
decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations should be
allowed make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
(George Orwell)
All people were created equal but the rich are more equal than others,
(Big Brother 2004)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

One of the things President Bush wants the astronauts to do on the Moon
is look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in
Iraq. (Bill Williams)

New reports say that when President Bush was in the Air National Guard,
many of his superiors were politically pressured to give him good
evaluations even though he didn't show up for duty. That's kind of like
what happens every day on the FOX News Channel. (Jake Novak)

On the theme of President Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican
National Convention: "In the end, this is an election campaign focused
squarely on the future. ... In other words, vote for George Bush - so
he can finish the work he hasn't begun yet." (Jon Stewart)

It was so hot, I was sweatin�" like President Bush trying to make up his
mind on the war on terrorism! (Jay Leno)

There �­s a new book out that says President Bush used marijuana while
in the National Guard. When President Bush heard the news he said, "See
I told you I was in the National Guard!" (David Letterman)

America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many
OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this
country.⬝ He appeared unfazed by his strange choice of words though and
moved on with his speech. (Strange But True)

Millions of Americans tuned in to 60 Minutes this week to see an
interview with a man who said he regrets giving George W. Bush a
coveted job he didn't deserve. But they were all disappointed when it
turned out the guy getting interviewed wasn't Chief Justice Rehnquist.
(Jake Novak)

Recently, President Bush was in Queens, New York. I think this is where
President Bush gets a little confused. Like he told the residents of
Queens that while he respects their lifestyle, he's still against them
getting married." (Jay Leno)

In an interview with USA Today, former first lady Barbara Bush says she
tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's
hereditary. (Jay Leno)

One day after Mr. Kerry told a rally that "W stands for wrong,"
President Bush responded, "W stands for wright." (Andy Borowitz)

That's quite a claim that Bush did coke and marijuana. You know who's
going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. This means Bush could now carry
California. (Jay Leno)

President Bush is on the stump. He can relate to military families who
have loved ones in Iraq. When his was in the National Guard, no one
knew exactly where he was either. (Alan Ray)

Cheney warns of risk if rivals win ... 'If we make the wrong choice,
the danger is we'll get hit again by terrorists ... " Doctors say a
heart attack kills off a portion of the heart. Sounds like Dick's
myocardial infarctions did a number on his brain, too. (Wit Wizard)

Cheney: "If you make the wrong choice Nov. 2, we risk another terrorist
strike, along with plague, pestilence, locusts, frogs. Relentless
telemarketers and bubbling pits of burning sulphur, But, heh, it's your
choice." (Stuart Carlson, Milwaukee Sentinel)

President Bush has clarified his position on whether or not the United
States could win the war on terror, telling an audience in Ohio that he
now believes the war on terror would end in a tie. (Andy Borowitz)

Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack.
Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off. (Conan O'Brien)

Yesterday in Iowa, Vice-President Dick Cheney warned voters that a
Kerry victory in November�"s election will result in another terrorist
attack. He also warned that a drunk and celebrating Michael Moore
could crush dozens of registered voters! (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

Here�"s some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane
this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that
President Bush is losing the war on weather. (David Leterman)

John Kerry relaxed on Nantucket Sound while the GOP Convention was
pummeling him last week. The pictures didn't help. The cameras caught
him wind-surfing, and it occurred to viewers that even his hobby
depends on which way the wind is blowing. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry campaigned Monday in West Virginia, where the Democrats own
a wide plurality. The party may be all they have in common. John Kerry
comes from a crowd that thinks Dale Earnhardt was the first woman
aviator to fly across the Pacific. (Argus Hamilton)

Vice-presidential nominee John Edwards today confirmed that he had
become invisible and would remain so for the duration of the campaign. street to enjoy the chilly reception. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edward�"s optometrist disclosed that the vice presidential
candidate of the Democratic ticket suffers from a condition that causes
double vision. �SHe not only sees two Americas, frankly he sees two of
everything,⬝ his long-term eye doctor said from his office in Raleigh,
North Carolina. (Bob Hirsdhfield)

Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his
listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today changed
his tie. According to those in Mr. Kerry's inner circle, the senator
believes that his new neckwear could close the widening gap in the
polls between him and President George W. Bush. "Bush got a nice bounce
coming out of his convention," Mr. Kerry reportedly told his campaign
aides, "but wait 'til the voters get a load of this new tie." The new
cravat, a satin and twill model from Brooks Brothers, will replace his
old one, a classic repp tie, also from Brooks Brothers. Some Democratic
insiders were harshly critical of Mr. Kerry's decision to change ties,
arguing that the move fell far short of the wholesale shakeup they had
been hoping for. (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry campaigned on front porches in Pennsylvania and Minnesota
this week. He likes to talk to small groups. It takes time for each
voter to sit on the candidate's lap and whisper into his ear exactly
what he wants for Election Day. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry hired former Clinton spokesman Joe Lockhart Monday and
recruited the advice of former Clinton masterminds Paul Begala and
James Carville. He's pulling out all the stops to win. John Kerry
telephoned Hillary Clinton Sunday night at the hospital and said if she
ever finds herself single, he has always loved her. (Argus Hamilton)

Since the Republican National Convention, Kerry has been slipping in
the polls. I think he's lost his confidence -- all week he's been
telling people it's an honor just to be nominated. (David Letterman)

John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign. He says the 'W' in George
W. Bush stands for 'wrong', the wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee,
I wonder if President Bush is going to say the 'F' in John F. Kerry
stands for 'flip-flop.' What, are they running for the president of the
8th grade? Shut up! Actually, Bush got the last laugh, he said, "Hey,
everybody knows 'wrong' starts with the letter 'R.'" (Jay Leno)

Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're
doing badly when you're running against Bush and you're the one who is
garbled. (David Letterman)

John Kerry said Bush's middle initial 'W' stands for 'Wrong.' ... And
Bush fired back today, saying the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for
'Phony.' (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

News that former President Bill Clinton is having heart bypass surgery
is shocking his friends and family. Usually when Clinton runs into any
problems, it's his prostate that causes all the trouble. (Jake Novak)

A hospitalized Bill Clinton called John Kerry Saturday night. He told
him to stop talking about Vietnam and start asking questions about
Iraq. And then as the doctors wheeled him away, he asked him to win one
for the groper. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was in New Orleans Wednesday and hinted that his memoir My
Life would make a terrific movie. He doesn't read the trades. The porno
industry is still shut down in Los Angeles until the actors' guild is
satisfied that no more actors will get infected. (Argus Hamilton)

Former President Bill Clinton underwent reportedly successful bypass
surgery Monday at New York's Presbyterian Hospital/ Columbia. It's a
good thing he's a Democrat -- surgeons had no trouble locating his < parently Al Gore had a similar procedure. Yeah, it's true, about
four years ago he had what is called an oval office bypass (David
Letterman)

Bill Clinton sailed through heart bypass surgery at Presbyterian
Hospital on Monday. His doctor at the press conference described his
condition as sedated but still arousable. Only one hour after the
operation, he took a turn for the nurse. (Argus Hamilton)

As you know, this whole thing came as quite a shock to most people
because when you see Clinton, he looks great, doesn't he? He's slim,
he's trim, he looks like the picture of health. Here's my question -
what the hell is keeping Michael Moore alive? (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton was the subject of intense medical scrutiny Monday to see
if he can recover in time to save the Democrats from defeat in
November. He's done it again. For the fourth consecutive national
election, it's going to be All About Bill. (Argus Hamilton)

Former President Clinton is recovering from heart bypass surgery, but
his doctors are keeping him sedated. That should help him heal faster,
and give his nurses a few days of peace before he starts trying to grab
them again. (Jake Novak)

President Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery over the weekend and is
recovering nicely. The doctors told him he can resume having sex in
about two weeks. And Hillary said, "If he does, I'll kill him." (David
Letterman)

Bill Clinton was reported Tuesday to be recovering rapidly from heart
bypass surgery in New York. Even his operation had political
implications. The heart surgeon is a big contributor to President Bush,
and the anesthesiologist was John Kerry. (Argus Hamilton)

Insiders say Clinton is recovering nicely --- he's already hitting on
the chubby nurse. (David Letterman)

President Clinton's operation was a complete success. He's up and
walking. In fact, today, Clinton seen roaming the halls with his
hospital gown on backwards. (Jay Leno)

A new study shows that too much inactivity puts you at greater risk for
a heart attack than eating a high-fat diet. Bill Clinton is reacting to
the news by hiring 6 new interns. (Jake Novak)

They said today this will be a life changing experience for President
Clinton. And it is, it does change your life. The doctors told him,
from now on, lay off the fat, and he said, "Look, I haven't seen her in
years." (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton recovers from bypass surgery. Hospital administrators say
the medication alone during his stay could cost over 100,000 dollars.
And that�"s just the Viagra. (Alan Ray)

Former President Clinton is doing very well and getting better every
day. In fact yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they
took him off a nurse. (Conan O'Brien)

Former President Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say
the same for our current president. (David Letterman)

For 73 minutes during the surgery, Clinton had no pulse, no heartbeat.
Just like the Kerry campaign. (David Letterman)

The main doctor who performed surgery on Clinton just a few months ago
gave $2,000 to the Bush campaign. The doctor said he's not a big
Republican, it's just a thank you note for all the business he's gotten
from Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

The doctors said Clinton could live a long, normal life if he practices
some "lifestyle control." He could be dead in a week. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * NADER

Ralph Nader has managed to get his name on the Florida ballot. He can't
get his name on most ballots, but he managed to do it in Florida. Gee,
I wonder who helped him there? (Jay Leno)

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "seriously
considering" dropping out of the 2004 presidential con Burka)

Bush and Kerry both focused on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush
knows no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio.
Of course, before Bush, no Republican had ever won the White House
without winning the election. (Jay Leno)

Political experts are saying that this presidential race could be the
country's first billion-dollar political campaign. And that doesn't
even include the $875 raised by Ralph Nader. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

According to the latest polls taken right after the convention,
President Bush is way up, way up in the polls. In fact, they said if
the election was held today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7 to
2, which is better than last time. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE STATES

Florida endures the wrath of hurricane Frances. Despite ferocious winds
and pounding rain, the thickest of foundations didn�"t crack. And that
was Katherine Harris�" makeup. (Alan Ray)

Wildfires burn out of control in California�"s wine country. Sonoma
County vintners are trying put on a positive spin. The cabernet�"s there
are extremely dry. (Alan Ray)

New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey discussed his resignation from office
Tuesday over his gay affair. What a breath of fresh air he is. Jim
McGreevey is the first politician ever to leave public office in order
to spend less time with his wife and children. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his
administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq,
President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in
charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or
else. News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately. Bush told his
senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting
unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he
did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official
who asked that his name not be used. (Joseph L. Galloway and James
Kuhnhenn. Philadelphia Inquirer)

At a Pentagon news briefing, Rumsfeld said that in the overall scheme
of the Iraq war, the losses were relatively small." quoting the
relatively obscure speech of his idol Heinrich Himmler during the
Nazi's winter assault on Moscow. (Wit Wizard re bombing in Iraq)

IN THE NEWS * CRIME & THE COURTS

Crime in New York City dropped 40% during the Republican National
Convention last week. That's because there were thousands more cops on
the streets, stores were closed, and the nation's top corporate
criminals were too busy attending convention parties to do any quality
embezzling. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

We in congress are shocked and saddened by the school children massacre
in Russia and will work to prevent such a tragedy from happening here,
So we're not renewing the assault weapons ban! (Jim Moran, The Miami
Herald)

Congress won�"t renew the federal ban on assault rifles. The NRA is
happy because it believes the law violated an inalienable right. The
right to own a politician. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

The Fox News Network took the unprecedented step of calling the 2004 US
Presidential election result as a win for incumbent Republican George W
Bush, almost 2 months before a single vote has been cast, and three
weeks before the first televised debate, last night.
(TheVoiceofReason.com)

Rush Limbaugh and CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagen are now an item. If a guy
like him gets any action from her, I guess he'll finally prove the
media really IS too liberal. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISMHalliburton-Bush-OPEC, announces that the price at the pump is rising
to $1.19 this week. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

Continental Airlines is cutting 425 jobs. Affected employees say the
termination notice was cold. �SPlease return your chairs to an upright
position and be sure to take all personal items with you.⬝ (Alan Ray)

Experts are predicting that gas could go up to $3 a gallon by the end
of the year. But, the oil companies say no, no, no - it'll go down to
$3 a gallon by the end of the year. (Jay Leno)

President Bush's budget deficit is supposed to be stimulating job
growth. By that reckoning, the government input of an excess $500
billion this year should have produced 10 Million new jobs, each at
$50,000 annual compensation. (Bob Dvorak)

After years of criticism, Disney CEO Michael Eisner announced today
that he'll finally step down in 2006. That will give him enough time to
groom a successor, shore up his finances, and figure out what the Hell
he was thinking when they opened Euro Disney and California Adventure.
(Jake Novak)

There was a robbery in Atlantic City at one of Donald Trump's casinos.
Thieves got away with $8 million dollars in debt." (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

July 28, 2104: President Muffin X. Bush calls the war in Iraq
"practically almost just about over," declaring, "We has turned the
corner." Critics remind the president that this is the fourth time this
year she has said we have "turned the corner," which, assuming we're
not turning in random directions, would put us right back where we
started. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

The aftermath of the terrorist attack on a Russian school has pushed
that nation into a state of confusion. Mostly because it's the first
national tragedy in the country's history that the government can't
blame on the Jews. (Jake Novak)

Russian President Vladimir Putin promised Wednesday the Red Army will
strike back whenever and wherever he feels like it. He announced that
Russia is joining the war on terrorism. We're still waiting to find out
on which side. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

Bush to media: "The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth went to the African
Coast and guess what they found? A huge revolving hydromatrix generator
ten stories tall with a bunch of Democrats sitting at computers making
tropical storms and aiming them at the U. S. Mind you, the Swift Boat
Vets for Truth did this on their own. I'm not saying this. They're
saying this." Media: "Saying what?" Bush: "John Kerry's behind all the
hurricanes!" (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Thursday approved Actiq, a new
cancer pain drug in the form of a lollipop. Now, if they can just get
Prozac in the shape of a breast, the world will be rid of psychiatry.
(Fred Barling)

Men's Health predicted super-long lifespans in America due to much
healthier lifestyles. Evidence is pouring in. One guy gave up sugar,
bread, tobacco, sex, caffeine and alcohol, and he was healthy right up
to the day he killed himself. (Argus Hamilton)

UCLA hospital warned couples Wednesday not to use ultrasound machines
to take pre-natal baby snapshots. Sometimes pictures are essential. One
couple in Beverly Hills had a real scare during the first trimester
when they almost lost the surrogate's phone number. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

The effects of Hurricane Frances delayed yesterday's Yankees-Devil Rays
game, and Yankee fans had to wait four hours until their team finally
started to play. That's opposed to Mets fans, who ha airing next year. The
working title is Mad About Everything. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

"The Passion of the Christ" is now in video stores. The Blockbuster
rental agreement is a bit tacky. "On the third day, the Lord will
return, or you�"ll be charged a late fee." (Alan Ray)

French President Jacques Chirac named Steven Spielberg a Knight in the
French Legion of Honor last night, but the ceremony was not without
controversy. While Chirac introduced Spielberg as the "genius who
directed 'E.T.,' and 'Saving Private Ryan,' he still insisted on also
describing him as "the Jew from America responsible for '1941,' and
'Jurassic Park 2.' (Jake Novak)

William Kennedy Smith was sued for sex assault by his employee Audra
Soulias last week. He met her in Bosnia and convinced her to immigrate
to America to work for him. The producers of Alien versus Predator
couldn't buy this kind of publicity. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Moore decided Monday to submit Fahrenheit 9/11 for the Academy
Award for Best Picture against The Passion of the Christ. What a huge
ego. It's not enough that he's trying to defeat the President of the
United States, now he's trying to beat Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Moore is submitting "Fahrenheit 9/11" to the Oscar voters for
"Best Picture," and not in the "Best Documentary" category. That's
mostly because movies nominated for "Best Picture" can be works of
fiction. (Jake Novak)

Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was
it 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an
Eskimo kid-what would you do for a Klondike Bar? (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's
Vietnam War experience? It's called "Full Dinner Jacket." (Jay Leno)

Environmental groups say the national park system is under funded. Some
remote areas have not been visited by humans for centuries. And those
are the rest rooms. (Alan Ray)

On the expensive side of the tracks lawyers charge you about $50,000
for a non-contested divorce. Some will offer a discount package deal
though -- you can sign-up for three for $125,000. (Fred Barling)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be
eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic.
The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with
items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns
and ammunition. (Jacob Novak)

College students head back to campus. This is a chance for an 18-22
year old to grow. Marijuana in his dorm room. (Alan Ray)

Kids head back to college this month. At most universities, the student
union is the focal point of campus life. It�"s where undergraduates hang
out in between beers. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * OTHER

After a massive rainstorm crippled New York's subway's yesterday,
trains were running normally again today. But commuters were more
impressed that even after thousands of gallons of water flooded the
system, each station still smells like urine. (Jake Novak)

A Florida man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when
one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger. So, it looks
like the NRA has finally found a new spokesman to replace Charlton
Heston! (Jake Novak)

Since you're already in the city you know it's fashion week. The entire
city is on lavender alert! (David Letterman)

It was one thing when the diner started serving "freedom" fries, but
with the debut of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast, I think
things have gotten out of hand. (Brad Simanek)

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9.10.2004

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9.09.2004

arizona humor "A Female Brain Cell"

"A Female Brain Cell"

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which
by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She
looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still
no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

"We're down here..."

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JoannasJokes
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arizona humor S.A.T. Testing results

S.A.T. TESTING
The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests
given to 16-year-old students!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become President one day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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arizona humor Hard decision to make!

The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday
school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor,
this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what
you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I
didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down
the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good
boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do
it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director
and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've
had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him
and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the
director, the new pastor approached the deacons and
related the whole story, including the responses of the
teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and
said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from
the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor Hip, hip, hooray!

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the
golf course and invites them to come to his church some
Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services
are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and
there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were
already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just
starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter,
he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the
nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist
friends in the back."

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg
your pardon?"

"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the
minister.

The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his
face.

Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and
distinctly.

"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.

The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to
face the congregation.

"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled
worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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arizona humor Words of Wisdom

"Generally, people should be more specific."
- Anonymous

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright


"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
- Anonymous


"That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger."
- Nietzsche

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
- Einstein

"Intelligence is like a river, the deeper it is the less noise it makes."
– Anonymous

I picked up a Magic 8 Ball the other day and it said "Outlook not so good."
I said, "Sure, but Microsoft still ships it."
- Anonymous

Amen.
-Anonymous









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9.08.2004

Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks*

Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks*

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


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arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 09-08-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-08-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

What did the banana say to the doctor?
I'm not peeling very well (Anupa, 12)

What did the teen say when his younger brother played his drums?
�SBeat It.⬝ (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What did the duck say to the salesclerk?
"Put this on my bill." (Mike Benny)

What did the Police Dog say when the train ran over its tail?
It won't be long now.

When is a Police Dog like a camera?
When he snaps.

What did the wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner (Ginny, 12)

Where do they grow shoes?
In the foothills (Stan Kegel)

Why did the ghost cry?
Because he had a boo-boo (Mary, 9)

What did King Tutankhamen say when he got scared?
"I want my mummy!" (Sammy, 8)

Why is it so hard to get into the Everglades?
They're always swamped. (School Jokes)

What is Tony Hawk's favorite cereal?
Trix! (Kiki, 11)

Why did the schoolboy have only one glove on?
The weather forecast said that it might be warm, but on the other hand
it might be quite cool.' (School Jokes)

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled. (Lori Ross)

What did the tooth say to the dentist who was leaving on vacation?
Fill me in when you get back

Where did knights learn to kill dragons ?
At knight school ! (School Jokes)

Why are fish so smart?
Because they stay in schools (Emlie Johnson)

Why does the little moron wear a life jacket at night?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed. (Bill Edwards)

If your mother was born in Iceland and your father was born in Cuba,
what does that make you?
An ice cube. (School Jokes)

What do you call babies' knees?
Kid-neys (Penny, 12)

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings
pinball game?
None. It only takes Tolkiens. (Carole)

What kind of soup never gets hot?
Chili soup! (Shey'an, 12)

What do you call six stones with electric guitars?
A rock group (Daily Groaner)

Why did the polar bears go to the South Pole?
To visit their Aunt Arctica! (Daily Groaner)

What is a chicken�"s favorite vegetable?
Eggplant (Claire, 7)

How long should a Police Dogs legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty! (Crystal, 13)

What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A jelly button. (Sean)

What kind of soap does a judge use?
"Trial" size soap! (Shey'an, 12)

What do clowns get paid?
Funny Money (Alison, 6)

If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands. (Moni)

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot (Kyle, 7)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

He had a hole in his socks because his wife didn't give a darn.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Two ants were on the box of cereal when one of them started to run
fast. The other asked, "Why are you racing like that?" The other ant
said, "It says, 'Tear along the dotted line'!"

Some people like raw meat on 'rare' occasions. (Mike Bull)

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! (Questar)

"Officer I wish to complain about your Police Dog chasing a man on a
motorbike." "Don't be silly," said the Policeman, "my dog can't ride a
motorbike," (Marsha Coleman)

Some bankers are generous to a vault. (Tony Thoennes)

He: Can I have your name?
She: Why, don't you already have one? (Krish)

You should put on more sun tan lotion in order to save face. (Pun of
the Day)

First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas prices agai too draining. So then I got a job in a
gymnasium , but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I finally got a job
as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. So I
retired, and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

When he got a boomerang for his birthday, he enjoyed many happy
returns. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town. (Pun of
the Day)

He : I think I could make you very happy
She : Why? Are you leaving? (Krish)

I planted some bird-seed and a bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

He installs ignitions in cars. He's a real self starter. (Pun of the
Day)

I think my teacher is a card player. He shuffles as he walks. (School
Jokes)

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. When I said
five, he said, "When I was your age I was six." (Questor)

The future isn't what it used to be. (Questar)

When a candidate asks for dough, you can end up with pie in the sky.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

When he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor, the Yogi said, "Make me one
with everything." When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a
$20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get
change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within." (Gail S.
Angel)

Anything free is worth what you pay for it. (Questar)

A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute. He made
his way through a window after he baroque the glass. His clothes were
all worn out, but that was because it was rag-time. He was a noteworthy
musician, and was very composed. He knew that he would have to beat it,
or there would be re-percussions. (Mike Bull)

He: Is it hot in here or is it just you? She: It's hot! (Krish)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

What�"s the difference between a gnat and a fly?
A fly is a gnat on steroids. (Animal Crackers: Fred Wagner)

Man wearing sign �SLo Carb Specialties Diner⬝ �SIt�"s ironic that they
advertise on a sandwich board. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

"In news from the capital, there's a bill to have voter registration
when licensing cars." "The Motor Voter Bill!" "An amendment would
including people licensing watercraft." "The Motor Boater Voter Bill!"
"And another includes those with trailers." "The Motor Boater Toater
Voter Bill!" "They might even include hot air balloonists." "The Motor
Boater Toater Floater Voter Bill." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Sun worshipers leave no stern untoned. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"Guess what happened to my hard-luck pal, Ralph." "What?" He put all
his money into the paper towel and revolving door industries." "Well,
those should be good investments." "Not for Ralph. Before he could turn
around he was wiped out!" (Blondie: Young & Lebrrum)

He that loves himself has no rivals (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"Here one minute, gone the next." "Who died?" "Nobody. I was talking
about my key-lime pie." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Elevators drive people up a wall. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"I'll have a similated coffee beverage with artificial sweetener and a
non-dairy milk product." Tina makes her drink and brings it to the
customer. "You can put that in a pretend cup. I'm gonna mime it"
(Tina's Groove: Rina Piccola)

Sorry, but maybe "The Yellow Streak" isn't the best name for a
superhero. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

"They're debating health care reform in Congress again." "I know. It
makes me sick!" (The Sunshine Club: Howie Schneider)

The only things that improve with age are the good old days. (Graffiti:
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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-07-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-07-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Unless: More (UGA)

Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
have. (Don & Sara Probasco)

Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)

Ideal: My turn to shuffle. (Lexicon)

Datum: What young men like to do with pretty young women. (Joseph Leff)

Tie-Breaker: Divorce. (Sandy Sibert)

Conscience: That feeling that makes you tell your wife about something
you think she'll find out about, anyway. (Don & Sara Probasco)

Take Stock: Embezzle. (Sandy Sibert)

Faulty: Where golfers begin playing in autumn. (The Comedy Vault)

Milestone: A 5280 foot boulder (Stan Kegel)

Assimilate: To pretend to be a donkey (Paul Pence)

Winner: "Many birds fly south for the winner." (Richard Lederer)

Paratrooper: Military dropout. (Comedy Vault)

Brake Fluid: Coffee (Stan Kegel)

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself (Leslie
Ann Poole)

Chromatic: A machine for polishing bumpers (Willie Meikle)

Piece rate: Cost per handgun (Jason Dias)

Party Line: "Hey, Mom, I'm going over my friend's house to study."
(Comedy Vault)

Purchase: How Burt Reynolds was paid in Smokey and the Bandit (Jason
Dias)

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane (Stan Kegel)

Olympic Officials: The souls that time men's tries (Leslie Ann Poole)

Bashful: Being harsh or abusive toward someone (William Safire)

Wrap: A song about safe sex. (Tom Witte)

Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
Lederer)

Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)

Dimension: Merely DIMENSION of "swift boats" riles Kerry. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Please: "My house was robbed! Call the please!" (Richard Lederer)

Settle: They are tied two sets each. This SETTLE decide the match.
(Stan Kegel)

Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)

Manatee: "If you want to start this round of golf, give the MANATEE"
(Stan Kegel)

Dilate: Statistics show that many people DILATE at night in their
sleep. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Flamingo: A fire extinguisher makes the FLAMINGO out. (Bob Dvorak)

Barometer: I didn't meet her at the BAROMETER at the grocery store.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Kennel: "If Barbie's not careful, KENNEL leave her." (Stan Kegel)

Allotment: "She may not say much, but there's ALLOTMENT.⬝ (Douglas
Drill)

Blouse -- 'Tis an ill wind that BLOUSE nobody any good. (Bob Dvorak)

POETRY

'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
something better will turnip,' said he.
So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
the wedding to stage,
they spud, and it took but a second
in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
Appeasing the bill left him broke,
Caused a lump to sprout in his thorax
And nearly made poor artichoke.
However, they weren't Cress fallen;
To the house on the corner they went.
Woke the Pars'nip up from slumber,
On the greensward held the event.
And that is the endive my story
For there isn't much room left to write.
(Syman Hirsch)

At the campsite the bear cub did tear
Open coolers; drank beer that was there.
Guzzled suds and got drunk,
Then fell into a funk.
It was more than the bruin could bear.

The bruin's acutely aware
That drinking a lot does impair.
He's a boozer, no saint;
Doesn't have self smile at dawn.
But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile
When his two front teeth are gone.
(Don & Sara Probasco)

The 18th Amendment said, "Cut out the drinking!"
The 21st said, "What the hell were we thinking?"
(Brendan Beary)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)

�SA man's home is his castle,⬝ said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
Kegel)

"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)

"A bull just impaled my pet," said Tom categorically. (Bob Dvorak)

"My new electric skillet has stopped working," said a dead-pan Tom.
(Stan Kegel)

"It's my personal magnetism," said Tom ironically. (Think.com)

"I always bite my fingernails down to nothing," said Tom quickly. (Bob
Dvorak)

�SUse a condom,⬝ lectured Tom on every conceivable occasion. (Stan Kegel)

"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those
passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events," said Tom
with considerable fanfare. (Tom Champion)

"I never share anything," said the being with the forked tail. "Once I
have it, I am the soul owner." (Joseph Harris)

"My time was slower than previous years' winners," Tom said off the
record. (Stan Kegel)

"I've transferred my money back into my German savings account," Tom
remarked with interest. (Think.com)

"I'll strive to be a better newsman," said Harry reasonably.
(Leonard J. K.)

"What about gas?" asked Boyle expansively. (Alan C. Kors)

"It flies off in a straight line," said Huyghens tangentially. (Alan C.
Kors)

"A million thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully. (Think.com)

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
(Simon Champion)

"I will continue to meet you below the bleachers," said Tom
understandably. (Bird Singer)

"Romeo and Juliet were so in love. One night they secretly exchanged
vowels..." (Juel Goldstock)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

"My first year of school was first grade. I didn't attend
kidneygarten..." (Juel Goldstock)

Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,
except for the one behind it, which is exactly identical to the one in
front of the similar one in back."

"They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Reagan Administration,
they're in deep puberty..." (Juel Goldstock)

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

"In the 1920s, there were lots of new things. There were new clothes
and new cars and new music and new ways to get pregnant..." (Juel
Goldstock)

Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the
state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help
preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and
cool aid that morning. (Tim Davis)

"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
Goldstock)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Spotted in farmyard: Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket.

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: If you wish for
breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. fall?
(Richard Lederer)

The town dump is so full that it may have to start to refuse refuse.
(Felicia Lamport)

A: Legions
Q: What do you pledge to the flag? (Cynthia MacGregor)

A. Nancy Drew Mysteries
Q. What category did Mrs. Reagan get on celebrity trivia night? (Dave
Prevar)

Deja brew: The feeling I've drank too many beers, again. (Uncle George)

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this
before. (Uncle George)

What did the Bolsheviks call the proletariat, the bourgeoisie and the
intelligentsia?
The Three Moscow Tiers (Richard Lempert)

Former monster gets into the used car business:
Boris Carlot (Gill Krebs)

Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)

What's the definition of success for a crash test dummy?
Vroom! The Belt Holds (Chris Doyle)

How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)

What did Sophocles ask his suspiciously fat dog?
Et a Puss, Rex? (Ken Gallant)

The actor who recommended abolishing all voting:
Poll No man (Lars Hanson)

"You Have My Symphony" by Phil Harmonik (Stan Kegel)

"French Population" by Francis Crowdid (Laurie Ann Poole)

"Winning In Las Vegas" by Jack Potts (Stan Kegel)

"Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)

"Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)

"Unemployed" by Anita Job (Laurie Ann Poole)


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arizona humor Red Indian Joke

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote
reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was
going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old
secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't
tell what the weather was goin