Funny Jokes

9.18.2004

Kitchen Hoods - Stove Hoods - Stone Hoods

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

arizona humor Funny Ads and Signs

The Funny Ads and Signs

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced
and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We
do it carefully by hand.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust
tension in your home for $1.00.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this
miracle spray will make it reallyrepellent.

Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

This is the model home for your future. It was
panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies
last

Stock up and save. Limit: one

We build bodies that last a lifetime

See ladies blouses. 50% Off!

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but
so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing
else.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first!

For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made
into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator,
spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port,
sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost
sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton,
Granite 5-6204.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook
with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in
size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust
tension in your home for $1.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have
a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the
refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.


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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 09-18-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-18-04

THE GROANERS

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he
was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting
to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what
happened today to upset you so much?" He answered, "It's not fair --
I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned
and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?" With a
tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have
to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!" (Pastor Tim Davis)

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new
glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to
see the computer better". When we got back home, he got on the computer
to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was
something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and
he said, "I still can't read." (Robeo)

Little Johnny was going through his grandmother's old jewelry box. She
explained to him some of the stories behind the objects he found. When
she showed him the pin she got from nursing school, he gave her a
curious look. "Nursing school?" he asked. "You had to go to school to
learn how to breastfeed?" (Little Johnny)

We gave our son Bobbie a Sheltie puppy for his second birthday. He, of
course, named her Lassie. Well, the two were inseparable, constantly
playing together when Bob wasn't at school. But, as we know, dogs age
more rapidly than people and Lassie passed away at fourteen years of
age. Bob insisted on burying Lassie in our back yard, and over her
grave he planted a garden. Now, every spring you can find him hoeing
and otherwise preparing his garden for planting as he cultivates his
memory of his life-long friend. (Stan Kegel)

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up
and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his
socks was a bottle of cognac. "Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap." (Robeo)

I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone
to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up and asked "How
can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered
"It's a crash course." (Paul Cooper)

A sea mammal research group captured a rather odd porpoise on one of
its expeditions. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor were to amputate the feet so that it
would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the
doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."(Marge A./Bob Levi)

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the
passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman
turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this
storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."(Bill
Karpus)

These two greenbeans were crossing the hi-way when one of them was hit
by a semi. His buddy scrapes him up and rushed him to the hospital.
After hours of surgery the doctor comes in and says "I have good news
and bad news." The greenbean starts to rejoice and the doctor says,
"The good news is that he's going to live." "The bad news is he'll be a
vegetable for the rest of his life." (Bill Karpas)

A young ma opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great
country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in
this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her
from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and
said, "I'm not free. I'm four." (Gail S. Angel)

On Newton's Fig Farm lived Isaac Newton, the smartest farmer who ever
lived. Every time he and his son, Huey, bought a new ax at the Mass and
Matter Hardware Store, they would be attacked by a huge hopsit (a feral
rabbit endemic to England) and they would be attacked by a bloodthirsty
eagle at or near the same time. After surviving 150 such vicious
double-attacks (they used axes for everything), Isaac Newton told Huey
his thought on the matter: "Every ax, son, has an eagle and hopsit
reaction." (Michael Bass)

As it swept across a large number of chicken farms, a powerful tornado
sucked up thousands of the birds high into the stratosphere.
Unfortunately, as the tornado dissipated and the birds returned to
earth, many people going about their business in a town fifty miles
away were mown down in a hail of pullets! (Johann von Haupkopf)

A little old lady had two dogs for years. One day one of them passed
away. In grief, the second dog passed away two days later. Not knowing
what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the
taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her
wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said,
"No. Shaking hands will be fine." (Ginny)

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the
door Jesus had left open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Where
you born in a barn?" (GMNI Rising)

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth
member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called
to calm the situation, "What's the trouble here?" he asked. "My partner
has had a stroke, and these two jerks want to add it to my score." (Bob
Sachse)

Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade!" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. (Tom Thias)

While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room,
I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually
refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a
patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne." "Hi," the patient
responded. "I'm in some pain too." (Douglas Helsel)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby. Her doctor came
into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her
doctor asks how come? She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh." (Paul
Cooper)

Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether
it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the
rabbi?" says Morris. Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it
permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the
rabbi. Sam goes was the problem and
he said, "I still can't read." (Robeo)

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said,
"Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan
started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a
visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once
in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there
must be some difference between the two women." the judge said. "You'd
better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the
divorce." (Daily Groaner)


A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my
son." "What's the matter?" "He's always eating mud pies. I get up in
the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come
hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there
he is in the backyard eating mud pies." The psychiatrist reassured him,
"Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass."
"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife." (Douglas Helsel)

We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we
treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached
the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed
perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates? The maitre d' met us
at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to
look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of
pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our
group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my
coat sleeve. "Madam," he said, "Your Bounce." (Reader's Digest)

The note my daughter brought home from school outlined plans for her
class field trip. "Part of the morning will be spent searching for
slugs in the forest," it said. "The children do not need a snack that
day." (Douglas Helsel)

Stumpy was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved
into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow
the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the
meals, vacuumed and did the laundry. Months later, Stumpy met his
friend Lou for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any
better," Lou remarked. "Why don't you just move out?" "Well, if you
really want to know the truth," Stumpy explained, "she makes such a
good neighbor." (Humor Express)

So a beggar goes up to a guy who typically gave him a $5 bill each
week, and the guy hands the beggar a $1 bill. The beggar, a bit
enraged and more surprised, says, "Sir, you usually give me a 5; why a
1 today?" And the guy says, "I had a bad week in the stock market."
And the beggar says, "Because you had a bad week, I should suffer?!?"
(David B. Phillips)

When "Devil Dog" Flint, the thoroughly dangerous pirate, sailed under
letters of mark granted by Sim³n Bolivar against the Spanish and
French, it happened that the cook's mate was wounded in service and
lingered near death. The fellow had endured continual abuse from the
crew, which centered in the collective view that the grog he prepared
for them was comprised of fifty percent bilge water. Not many of the
men really believed it was so, but the stuff certainly tasted vile and
they kept saying it so as to get even. Being a superstitious lot, the
men were taken with the view that, were the mate were to die, his ghost
would haunt them owing to their treatment while he was alive. So it was
that a spokesman was selected and came to the bedside of the stricken
man. "I've come of behalf of the whole crew," he began, to offer
apology and beg forgiveness for sayi href=="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/chickenrecipe/">Chicken Recipes

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arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 09-17-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 09-17-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Votings not like sex you know. You're not going to go out and do it
once and then say, "Gee, I'm going to do it again. That was fun."
(James Karpel on trying to get young adults to vote)

What difference does it make how well President Bush avoided combat.
Isn't it just enough to know he avoided it. In these difficult times,
do you really want a President who wasn't smart enough to get out of
going to Vietnam. (Rob Cordrer)

You must be a member of the National Rifle Association if you believe
assault weapons are the only humane way of hunting birds and animals
because they die more rapidly with minimal pain and suffering. (Stan
Kegel)

What's the difference between George W. Bush and John Kerry? Bush is
accused by many of being in bed with a bunch of rich executives with
their own agendas. John Kerry's only in bed with one. (Tom Evans)

Bill Clinton went home Friday only four days after heart surgery. The
procedure is common. It's the second presidential bypass operation in a
year if you count the decision to let Osama bin Laden off the hook in
favor of going after Saddam Hussein. (Argus Hamilton

John Kerry criticized President Bush for not renewing the ban on
assault weapons. Well, you can understand why President Bush doesn't
want to renew the ban. These are the first weapons of mass destruction
that he's been able to find. (Jay Leno)

Have you seen the tripe the TV networks are offering us this fall. It's
hour after hour of the same lame sitcoms, pseudo-news and phony reality
shows. If we had them tested I think we'd find that most network
programmers tend to be extremely banal retentive. (Gary Hallock)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITE OF THE DAY

Song of the Week; Capital Steps; Fakey Purple Heart
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerry-fakeypurpleheart.mp3 or go to
http://www.capsteps.com for the sons of the past 9 weeks.

White House.Org: "Unprotected":
http://www.georgewbush.org/spots/index.asp> and watch "Four More Wars"
& "Questions" as well

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

Hi folks! Are you still confused by color-coded threat levels? Well,
you needn't be! Let me walk you through this simple system! LOW: GREEN
means a low risk of bush losing the election. Citizens should be
vigilant but basically re-elections in the bag. GUARDED: BLUE means the
election is under control but bears monitoring. Citizens should check
to make sure they have registered as Republicans. ELEVATED: YELLOW
means an elevated risk of losing! All citizens should remind each other
how dangerous it is to switch leaders in the middle of a war on terror.
HIGH: ORANGE means a high risk of losing the election! Citizens are
strongly urged to raise the subject of gay marriage! SEVERE: RED means
the President's numbers are in free-fall. Citizens should max out and
the Supreme Court put on High Alert just in case! And remember folks â¬
No matter what color the day, you either support our President during
our time of crisis or you don't! It's up to you! (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

"Welcome to 'Ask President Bush, Everyone! You know, some people wonder
why my Dad had 141 press conferences and I've had only 12. The answer
is I don't need 'Filter Conferences' as I call them. I prefer to answer
the people's questions!" "Sir, Can I have your autograph?" "See! Great
question! Great!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

Bush: "Yes, do you have a question, young lady?" "Yes Sir. Let me just
say first what a thrill it is to have you here, You're even more
resolute in person. I'd like to ask you what your favorite achievem "That sounds like '1984' when
Orwell says⬦" "Ahem, this is not a 'Free Speech Zone!" "Ya don't say."
"Exactly." (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

Producer: "Peter, Mallard Fillmore says the media are ignoring data
that show the rich have paid more taxes since the Bush Tax cuts!"
Peter: "Okay, I guess we'd better do a story." TV: "According to data
from the extremist right-wing Treasury Department⬦" (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)

TV gets more revolting every season Insipid plots, vile language,
gratuitous violence, ads begging people to vote. On TV: "Hey, all you
young people out there. Get out and vote 'cause it's really hip and
cool, so please if it's not too much trouble⬦" (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)

"According to National Review Online, CBO and Treasury Department data
show that the rich have actually paid more in taxes since the Bush Tax
cuts while one million low-income taxpayers have gone off the tax
rolls. Meanwhile the media are heeding their mothers' advise, 'If you
can't say anything bad about tax cuts, don't say anything at all."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
[Editor's Note: What this actually means is that the rich are paying
more taxes in spite of a decreased tax rate because of a substantial
increase in their income, while one-million previously tax-paying
Americans are no longer paying taxes because they are no longer
employed or are now working at minimum wage jobs.]

"Hmmm. This article makes a great case for replacing our income tax
with a national sales tax, but goes on to say that John Kerry won't
even consider it. Wow! Two great cases for a national sales tax."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

TV: "John Kerry is a lying, cowardly man who betrayed his country,
disrespected the armed forces, misrepresented his military record, shot
children in the back and engaged in questionable activity with a
Cambodian goat. But we honor his service to his country." (Boondocks:
Aaron McGruder)

Kid: "When I grow up I want to be a swing voter. I want to vote for
whoever can say just the right last-minute words to make me ignore his
record or dishonesty or incompetence. I want to chose a president based
on who I'd have an imaginary beer with." "Some kids are too into trendy
fads." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

The President has been accused by opponents of stifling dissent in
advance of the November election. His opponents claim the President is
afraid of hearing opposing views and surrounds himself only with
"yes-men". The President is expected to refute that in a speech at a
local eatery on Monday, At he eatery: "A loyalty oath?" "Sign it in
blood." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES

Dick Chaney has a message for Florida residents: "If you vote for John
Kerry, you will be hit (by hurricanes) again, and again, and again,
and⬦" (M. e. Cohen)

Orlando theme parks closed for Hurricane Frances' arrival, but long
lines on the highways and rampant price gouging by merchants meant
tourists didn't have to miss out on the Disney experience. (Jim
Barach)

Bush toured the hurricane damage in Florida and Bush really looked
surprised at places boarded up for reasons other than his economic
policies. (Jay Leno)

Hurricane Ivan was predicted Friday to pummel Florida today with the
state's third devastating hurricane in just the past three weeks. It's
no coincidence. Nobody's life or property can be considered safe when
the U.S. Congress is in session. (Argus Hamilton)

Hurricane Ivan roared through the Caribbean Sea Sunday, hauling
Category Five winds toward the U.S. mainland. It's starting to look
like terrorism. The Weather Channel ran a video Thursday from the
for yet another devastating disaster. The election! (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * ASSAULT WEAPONS

The assault weapons ban expires on Monday. Thank God, I can go back to
shooting ducks with my uzi. (David Letterman)

The federal ban on assault rifles is over. The freedom to possess an
AK-47 has immediate implications. High school kids will need much
bigger backpacks. (Alan Ray)

South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Berry)

Moosehead on wall riddled with bullet holes. Man says proudly, "And I
bagged this bad boy the day after the assault weapons ban expired!"
(Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)

Bush: I'd stop at nothing to keep assault weapons off the street!"
Reporter: "But, Sir. You did nothing to extend the ban on them." Bush:
"Right. Then I stopped." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans Times-Picayune)

Despite a decade of plummeting crime rates, Congress has allowed the
1994 ban on assault weapons to expire. Ironically, the cause of the
bill's death ⬦ multiple bullet wounds. (Jon Stewart)

Expired Present: Picture of Assault Weapon
Expired Future: Multiple tombstones inscribed "Assault Weapon Victims"
(Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Republicans are warning CBS anchor Dan Rather to stop investigating
President Bush's National Guard service... or else. Just to make sure
Rather gets the message, they're having New York cops beat up Mike
Wallace one more time. (Jake Novak)

Two men examining "CBS Bush Memos" with magnifying glasses: "This "New
Times Roman" font with superscript appear totally consistent with 1970s
IBM typefaces." "Nonsense! The Selectric 307-AB2 could never have
formatted with this kerning! Furthermore⬦" (Steve Carlson, Milwaukee
Sentinel)

A new report shows that despite warnings from experts that the
documents were low quality and could not authenticated, CBS still aired
the story about President Bush's alleged National Guard service memos.
But if CBS always refused to broadcast low-quality items, it never
would be able to air "Two and Half Men," "Yes Dear," or "The Amazing
Race." (Jake Novak)

Did you hear this? "60 minutes" has a new policy. From now on they're
going to spend at least "60 minutes" verifying their stories. (Jay
Leno)

Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved
President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard
service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of
course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for
duty? (Jay Leno)

There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos
shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the
National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a
president who didn't really win the election being brought down by
phony documents. (Jay Leno)

President Bush told reporters today that he â¬Sdoubted⬝ that the Texas
National Guard memos discovered by CBS last week could be authentic
because â¬SI know exactly where the real ones are hidden.⬝(Andy Borowitz)

White House officials say they knew all along that the memos shown on
"60 Minutes" attacking President Bush's National Guard duty were fakes.
But that's only because they were written by the same guy they paid to
forge documents proving there were WMDs in Iraq. (Jake Novak)

Dan Rather says there are some answered questions. Really. The last
time a TV show had so many unanswered questions was when Jessica
Simpson was on Jeopardy. (Jay Leno)

CBS. You know what CBS sta would
have a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)

TV: George Bush ignored warnings about 9/11⬦ Said Iraqis would welcome
our troops with open arms⬦ Said we knew where WMDs were. Said oil would
pay for the war and we don't need a military draft. (Bruce Plante, The
Chattanooga Times Free Press)

If you accept the statement, "I think, therefore I am," does it mean
President Bush -- isn't? (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the
Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works
because he's been testing it here since the day he took office. (Jay
Leno)

President Bush spoke to a meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas
today. Boy, a lot of those guys were excited to see him. Well, sure, a
lot of them have been waiting since the early '70s. (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney says the economic numbers don't take into account all the
people making money on eBay. Yeah, if you lose your job, you've got to
sell your car, your clothes, your house. (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)

It's been reported that the White House called the producers of the
'Today' show and asked them not to air anymore interviews with an
author of a new book that's critical of President Bush. I guess they
mean business, because at the end of the call they said, "Do as we say,
or you'll be asking where in the world is Matt Lauer?" (Conan O'Brien)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry at the supermarket: "Plastic. No, paper. No, wait...I may
not want either kind. No, I want paper. Yes! Definitely paper! Or
plastic. "OK, this is definitely my decision: Paper. "No, wait. On
second thought, I don't want any groceries at all. Just some Heinz
ketchup." (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

John Kerry unveiled his new campaign slogan: A mind is a terrible thing
to make up. (Jay Leno)

One of the commentators on MSNBC was saying that John Kerry seems to be
a man who likes himself. Well, you know, opposites attract. (Jay Leno)

John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he
still can't explain what John Kerry stands for. (David Letterman)

It's been reported that a record made by a band that John Kerry was in
during college has been bought for $2,500. Meanwhile, the White House
said that President Bush was in a college band, but that all the
records have been lost. (Conan O'Brien)

Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support
her husband's healthcare plan. See I'm confused, I thought she was John
Kerry's healthcare plan. And his economic plan, and his retirement
plan. Am I wrong? (Jay Leno)

The Republicans are now accusing John Kerry of using rich friends to
help him get into Vietnam. (David Letterman)

John Kerry in Ohio Tuesday called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong time.
It's exhausting. Every time President Bush thinks of a new reason why
he went to war in Iraq, John Kerry has to think of two new reasons why
he was for it and against it. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry's favorable ratings tumbled this week as he trailed
President Bush by double digits. He's sinking fast. John Kerry's only
hope is a debate format that's suited to his skills, but the Secret
Service would never allow the president to duel. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It
all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking
about this -- if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else
he wouldn't have this trouble. (David Letterman)way," asked the interviewer. "It was dull," said Clinton, "it was a
dull pain; and it kept shifting from side to side." (David J. Wardell)

Former President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital
and he'll be able to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said, I
never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. (Conan O'Brien)

President Clinton is doing well after his bypass surgery on Monday. But
he's still heavily sedated on painkillers. In fact, he's still so loopy
that yesterday he accidentally hit on Hillary (David Letterman)

Since Bill Clinton's operation, the number of patients complaining of
similar chest pains has increased dramatically. Doctors are calling the
trend the Bill Clinton Syndrome. That's true. Yeah, before the
operation the Bill Clinton Syndrome was characterized as a burning
sensation in the groin. (Conan O'Brien)

IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER

According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of
the popular vote. 1 percent! That's embarrassing. He's even trailing
low-fat milk, that's 2 percent. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS

Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan is attacking Republicans for
abandoning their values. Republicans are responding by asking: "We have
values?" (Jake Novak)

You know why there are no Republicans on Star Trek? Because it's set
in the future. (Will Durst)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS

Only a Democrat would believe that most Americans get their news from
sources other than Fox News and talk shows, (Stan Kegel)

1984 ⬢ 20 YEARS LATER

I am a compassionate Republican but no woman or young girl has the
right to decide whether to stop a pregnancy even if she were raped.
(Big Brother 2004)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

According to polls by the Annenberg Public Policy Center, before the
Democratic convention, 57 percent of veterans thought President Bush
was a "stronger leader" than John Kerry. Shortly after the convention,
only 43 percent thought Bush was stronger. And a month later, the
center says, 56 percent felt Bush is the stronger leader. Oh, horrors!
Do you realize what this means? The voters are flip-flopping. They're
so unreliable. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

The reelection bid of President George W. Bush received some positive
news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high
marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather. The poll asked likely
voters, "Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President
Bush or Sen. John Kerry?" According to the survey, 97% chose President
Bush while only 2% said Mr. Kerry was better equipped to fight the war
on Rather. (Andy Borowitz)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES

Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will
take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind
Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Friday outlawing anybody
having sex with a corpse in California. The practice was fairly
widespread. However with one stroke of the pen, he put every estate
attorney in Beverly Hills out of business. (Argus Hamilton) .

15 state governors have now received booby-trapped letters rigged to
set fire when opened. The only Governor safe from these attacks in Jim
McGreevey, because he's already flaming. (Jake Novak)

A measure on Oregonâ¬"s ballot would allow possession of 1lb. of pot for
medical use. Proponents are optimistic. They may not win the vote, but
the post election party should really be something. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

The U.S. Ho Michael Eisner announced Friday he will step down as head of the Walt
Disney Company. Shareholder meetings had become town mobs. If Disney
shareholders have anything to say about it, he will get the same
severance package as Marie Antoinette. (Argus Hamilton)

Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said
that Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all
the workers are Mexican and all the stuff's made in China. (Jay Leno)

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to
bringing the "total PC experience" to Macintosh computer users. MS
software developers this week announced the latest version of its
"Windows for Macintosh" bundle comes with MyDoom, Bagle, SoBig,
LovSan/Blaster and Melissa already installed. "We're saddened that
nobody bothers to write crippling hacks for the Mac OS any more," said
Chief Software Architect Bill Gates. "We know Mac people have been
feeling left out for a very long time now, and we want to welcome them
back into the family." (Dave's Daily)

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says the economy is finally showing 'signs
of traction.' Apparently our jobs are leaving the country so fast,
they're leaving skid marks now. (Caboom)

International Trucks unveiled a monster truck Monday that's four feet
longer and twice as heavy as the Hummer. The price is a hundred grand.
It's advertised as the world's largest production pick-up now that Bill
Clinton must lose weight or die. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

My bet is that the ill winds that are blowing in Iraq will eventually
cause a draft in the United States (Fred Barling)

Why haven't the US military given up power to the Iraqi's?
They are afraid of Premature Iraqi-nation. (Daily Groaner)

The U.S. has hired Saddam's former generals to fight the insurgents in
Iraq. Returning Baathists to power is part of the Bush Administration's
new strategy. Operation: Back to Square One. (Alan Ray)

Secretary of State Colin Powell vowed that the insurgency "will be
brought under control" ... And Paris Hilton will enter the Carmelites
... Ivana and the Donald will remarry ... Boy George will have a son
... Howard Stern will say something funny ... Mike Tyson will win a
Nobel Peace Prize ... Kathy Lee Gifford will wake up one morning
with perfect pitch ... Chris Rock will work clean ... Pete Rose
will . . . (The Wit Wizard)

IN THE NEWS * GREAT BRITAIN

Amid protests, Britain's House of Commons votes to outlaw fox hunts.
It's still legal in the US as long as the hunters carry assault rifles.
(The Wit Wizard)

.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

A protester dressed as Batman has scaled a wall at Buckingham Palace,
causing huge embarrassment for Britain's security forces. But the
incident is even more embarrassing for the folks at Warner Borthers
Studios, who could have prevented this whole incident if they had just
made Val Kilmer give his costume back. (Jake Novak)

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il today threw cold water on speculation
that a massive explosion in his country last week was the result of a
nuclear weapons test, explaining that the two-mile-wide mushroom cloud
originated at a concert by the singer/entertainer Cher. `(Argus
Hamilton)

The Chinese government has executed four executives from state-run
banks for fraud. Americans are reacting to the news by asking whether
we can extradite Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers to China (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

The Great Britain edition of Good Housekeeping reports one out of four
English women prefer housecleaning to sex with men. Well, vacuum
cleaners have eight attachments. Men only have one. (Jay them billions. Free dental. (Alan Ray)

Redskins coach Joe Gibbs won Sunday in his NFL return after years in
auto racing. It really showed. Whenever a player came off the field, a
dozen guys filled him up with Gatorade and rotated his cleats and had
him back on the field in twenty-five seconds. (Argus Hamilton)

Another college football poll is out. When an LSU player holds his
index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing. Somebody
asked him how many classes heâ¬"s taking. (Alan Ray)

The Ryder Cup matches this week feature the U.S. team versus Europe at
Oakmont Country Club in Detroit. The advertising market is elite. In an
effort to target the scotch-drinking crowd, Pfizer plans to run
commercials for seven-year-old Viagra. (Argus Hamilton)

The Texas Rangers suspended a pitcher for hurling a chair into the
bleachers and beaning a woman Monday. The first rule of any business is
never kill the customer. If OPEC could grasp this simple concept, the
War on Terror would be over by Tuesday. (Argus Hamilton)

Anybody going to the Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers game this
weekend? A lot of good seats are still available. If you canâ¬"t find a
seat just yell into the ranger bullpen, theyâ¬"ll through one up for you.
(Jay Leno)

Former National League MVP Frank Caminiti was charged with violating
his probation arising from a 2001 cocaine possession conviction. He was
held overnight in the Whitney Houston wing of the Rush Limbaugh
Substance Abuse and Detoxification Center for High Profile
Entertainment and Sports Luminaries. (The Wit Wizard)

Svetlana Kuznetsova defeated Elena Dementieva in a tough match to win
the U.S. Open women's final last night in Flushing. It was the fiercest
battle ever fought by two Russian women in Queens that wasn't in some
way connected to the last parking spot in front of a nail salon. (Jake
Novak)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

CBS refused to air a two-hour Madonna concert without interruption,
saying that such a broadcast would be in violation of the Geneva
Conventions. (Andy Borowitz)

Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford Rehab center to cure
him of his 12 year old crack habit. (Gard Webster)

If you haven't heard; Oprah Winfrey celebrated the first show of her
19th season by giving every member of the audience a new car. She gave
away 276 cars. We're doing something even better for our audience.
Everybody here will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars.
(Jay Leno)

This is an exciting time in New York City. It's fashion week. Earlier
today I was at Rupert G's Hello Deli and I saw two supermodels
splitting a crouton. (David Letterman)

In a Playgirl survey, MSNBC anchorman Keith Olberman was voted the male
journalist women most want to see naked. So in hope of gaining female
votes, President Bush is having Olberman arrested and sent to Abu
Ghraib prison. (Jake Novak)

Federal officials say legal rules won't allow them to honor Martha
Stewart's new request to be sent to prison right away. It's not
Martha's rights they're protecting, it's just that her future cellmates
deserve at least a two week warning. (Jake Novak)

"Playboy" is going to have a nude pictorial of McDonald's workers -
because if there's one thing you think when going into McDonald's it's
'Gee, I wish I could see them naked.'" (David Letterman)

In order to capitalize on the recent public interest in obtaining
assault weapons, several Hollywood studios are preparing movies
glorifying the lives of Dillinger, Capone and others famous for their
use of machine guns. Warren Beatty has reportedly been offered the
title role in "The Return of Dick Tracy." (Stan Kegel)

The (Jay
Leno)

Madonna's current visit to Tel Aviv is generating great publicity for
Israel. Not because she's promoting tourism, but the fact that she
entered the country so easily has finally convinced the rest of the
world that Israel really does need that security fence. (Jake Novak)

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now doing commercials for McDonalds in
France even though Mary Kate has an eating disorder. Actually, Mary
Kate is the perfect person to endorse McDonalds since she already knows
how to throw up. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

The United Way released a shocking report to the media on Thursday
revealing that over one-half of the entire workforce in Los Angeles is
functionally illiterate. That's not true. A good seventy-five percent
of our parents are married. (Argus Hamilton)

A report shows the U.S. high school graduation rate lower than that of
other developed nations. American students do score higher on 2 other
levels of achievement. Playstation and X Box. (Alan Ray)

A new study shows that 1 in 4 college students in America is suicidal.
Experts are pretty sure those are the same 1 in 4 college students in
America who pay their own tuition. (Jake Novak)

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwell’s prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)


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9.17.2004

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9.16.2004

arizona humor Golfer tall tale...

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came
a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball,
accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball
knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"

"What did you do?" asked his friends.

"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball,
took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street.
That brought out the fire engine before any major damage
was done."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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9.15.2004

arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-15-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-15-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Pole Vault: Where Santa keeps the presents on December 23rd. (Comedy
Vault)

Indecision: Under the whether (Stan Kegel)

Alphabet: The most aggressive wager on the table (William Safire)

Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats (Leslie Ann Poole)

Disconnect: Made out in a dance club. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)

Par: The hole number. (Comedy Vault)

Address: A gown with a corporate logo. (Joseph Leff)

Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do (Stan Kegel)

Defibrillator: lie detector (William Safire)

Ostracize: About as big as a large flightless bird. (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)

Page: Knight workman. (Comedy Vault)

Admissions: Increase military sorties. (Joseph Leff)

Vanguard: A person who protects trucks (Stan Kegel)

Hangnail: The one your portrait depends on (Jason Dias)

Saxophone: An ill wind nobody blows good. (Leslie Ann Poole)

Performing Arts: Garfunkel, Linkletter and Carney. (Comedy Vault)

Exit: The person who's just tagged someone. (Russell Beland)

Subsidy: A town underneath another town (Stan Kegel)

Forestalls: Where two pairs of horses are kept.: (Joseph Leff)

Herring: "When they broke up, she gave him HERRING back" (Stan Kegel)

Bandolier: The barbarians saw the women and turned into a BANDOLIER.
(Bob Dvorak)

Aisle: "AISLE take you home again Kathleen." (Douglas Drill)

Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do (Stan Kegel)

Permanent Location: Beauty parlor. (Comedy Vault)

Founder: The successful result of seeking her.: (Joseph Leff)

Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)

Gobi and Sahara: Just Deserts. (Wordfoolery)

Freeze: "Letting the kids watch Seseme Streeet FREEZE me to get dinner
ready." (Stan Kegel)

Forest: "When we get to the river, we will stop FOREST and snacks."
(Stan Kegel)

Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)

Shamrock: In the movies, when you see the hero lift a huge boulder you
know they used a SHAMROCK. (Stan Kegel)

Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)

Bacon: "I'm BACON a cake for the pot luck dinner?" (Stan Kegel)

Barroom: My neighbor's new motorcycle goes BARROOM loudly when he
starts it up. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Flammable: The matador waved his cape to FLAMMABLE. (Bob Dvorak)

Antimony: "I may be against working but I ain't ANTIMONY.⬝ (Douglas
Drill)

POETRY

Some men smile in the evening.
Some men smile at dawn.
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his two front teeth are gone.
(Don & Sara Probasco)

When you by-pass the ram
To get to the lamb
That's amore
(Stan Kegel)

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)

Watching Zorro run through
all the bad guys then you
learn some swordplay.
(Rusty Smith)

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, ehy?
(Robert Taxon)

Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth,
Looked near Miami -- not much of a sleuth.
(Chris Doyle,)

Sailing all around the world, Magellan gained a day.
It wasn't very useful, though: He died along the way.
(Russell Beland)

Though Jefferson professe />"I've deduced that this is the right way," said Tom pathologically.
(Think.com)

"I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo," Tom
said disarmingly. (Simon Champion)

"I love that shade of color," said Hugh brightly. (Stan Kegel)

"I'm going to find that girl and arrest her," said Tom, laboring under
a misapprehension. (Stan Kegel)

"Now that's sloppy embroidery," Tom needled cruelly. (Gill Krebs)

"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)

"I've mixed up my gloves," Tom said intermittently. (Think.com)

"That young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly (Gill Krebs).

"I'm just going to put these handcuffs on you," said Tom manically.
(Think.com)

"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. (Gill Krebs)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

"Margaret Sanger was a lady that due to the invention of the car
tried to prohibit birth control..." (Juel Goldstock)

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to
bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and
drinks will be furnished. (Tim Davis)

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. (Tim Davis)

I know where babies come from. Women produce the eggs and man produces
the spam..." (Juel Goldstock)

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

"They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Bush Administration,
they're in deep puberty..." (Juel Goldstock)

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a
Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running
order. (Tim Davis)

"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this
lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and
time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200
hours each Tuesday night. (Tim Davis)

"King John signed the Carta Blanca..." (Juel Goldstock)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And
Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour. (Douglas Helsel)

Microwave Oven: Do not use for drying pets. (Carin Lamberson)

Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
(Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas)

Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale. (Douglas Helsel)

Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush ad: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)

Hotel Lobby, Bucharest: "The Lift Is Being Fixed For The Next Day.
During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable." (Richard
Lederer)

In A Tokyo Bar: "Special Cocktails For The Ladies With Nuts." (Richard
Lederer)

Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days. (Douglas Helsel)

Battery:Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use. (Carin Lamberson)

Man Having Hard Time After Viagra Overdose (Stephen Kramer)

German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. (Douglas
Helsel)

Long-Winded Man Proposing Toast Burns It (Stephen Kramer)

Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia: "Take One Of Our Horse-Driven City
Tours. We Guarantee No Miscarriages." (Richard Lederer)

Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)

From The "Soviet Weekly": "There Will Be A Moscow Exhibition Of Arts By
15,000 Soviet Republic Painters And Sculptors. These Were Executed Over
The Past Two Years." (Richard Lederer)

OTHER SPE (Felicia Lamport)

A hand reaching up from a manhole wielding a threaded needle. It's the
first time I ever came upon a sewer in a sewer. (Felicia Lamport)

The last economist I tried it on got his wind up before I'd even had a
chance to wind up, (Felicia Lamport)

Seashells fazed Adam since childhood--do you think he should consult
Jake Black, Your Shrink? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Author who supported himself with stitchery till fame found him:
Ernest Hemming Way (Cynthia MacGregor)

What do you get when you leave the top down on your Plymouth during a
storm on the Puget?
The Sound in the Fury. (Russ Beland)

Daughter of Cassius Clay admits her true gender:
June, Ali's son (Gill Krebs)

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company. (Dobhran)




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arizona humor Well organized


Two women met for the first time since graduating from
high school. One asked the other, "You were always so
organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned
life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a
millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third
marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with
a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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9.14.2004

arizona humor Puns Of The Weak 09-13-04


PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-13-04

THE ONE-LINERS

A baseball star made his debut as a singer at one of the Playboy clubs.
"Tonight," he quavered. "I'm like a girl who flirts with the butcher.
I'm playing for big steaks." (Bennett Cerf)

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting
a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied, the
beauty of the place had struck him.

The word today is Legs ... Spread the word. (Questar)

An American in Scotland asked one of the locals, "Why do you call it a
kilt?" The Scotsman replied, "Because we kilt the last bloke who called
it a dress." (Gard Webster)

If a lawyer speaks for too long there will be an extended sentence.
(Tony Thoennes)

The ladies at the gym hated his incessant ogling. They nicknamed the
pervert, â¬SKing Leer.⬝ (John Jaeger)

"Whenever I'm in the dumps I get myself a new hat." "I was wondering
where you got them." (Further More Over Sexteen)

An impetuous young man deliberately threw three pairs of trousers into
the furnace one Sunday, then told his wife, "No longer can you accuse
me of being a stick-in-the-mud, unwilling to take a chance. I have just
burned my breeches behind me." (Bennett Cerf)

The author of a rather obscure play insisted that the theatre let
grossly obese people in for free. He wanted his work to be seen by a
much wider audience! (Johann von Haupkopf)

There's still "incurable romantics" -- we need better antibiotics
(Douglas Helsel)

When a college dormitory exploded, a lot of roomers were flying. (Moni)

The Muscovite with diarrhea had to run to the toilet. He was Russian.
(Jim Jaeger)

South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Berry)

The promoter of a big flower show in Pennsylvania was told that a
postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed
on time He explained to his backers, "We simply were caught with our
plants down." (Bennett Cerf)

All things come to he who goes down a one-way street in the wrong
direction. (Don & Sara Probasco)

I've heard of people being left-handed, but today I heard about someone
who was left behind. What's up with that? (Tom Sims)

More fashion change can lead to less real change. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The young couple have dinner guests. The host watches intently through
a crack in the kitchen door as the hostess greets and seats their
guests When all are settled the hostess nods at the door and Ken
sweeps into the room carrying the tray of Barbie cued ribs. (Norm
Stevenson)

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena..." "Excuse me, madam," a visitor
interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?" "No,
Athena wasn't married: She was the goddess of wisdom." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!"
... And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it
a whole lot better. (Bennett Cerf)

Because His holiness John Paul II is so often called upon to greet new
members brought into the religion, I heard they've altared the engine
on his Popemobile. Now it's got a Catholictic converter. (Gary Hallock)

They've invented an engine that runs on semolina. Trouble is, it can't
get pasta gas station. (Jason Dias)

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

In a number of countries there is no legal protection for minority
believers -- those who observe a religion other than the official
state-sponsored faith. I gues with relatives in East Germany heard that a food
package he had sent them had never arrived. Putting a brave face on
things, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." (Bennett
Cerf)

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and
said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little
Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

QUOTES

It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their conscience. They don't
want to take advice from a total stranger. (Venkatesh)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (Senator S. I.
Hayakawa)

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we
feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. (Dave Berry)

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself. (Murray
Walker)

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends. (Tim Davis)

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got
it made.

More diets begin in dress shops than in doctors' offices. (Don & Sara
Probasco)

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? (Reverend
William Archibald Spooner)

The only way to get elected to Congress is to raise a bunch of
campaign money, and pretty much the only way to do that is to already
be a member of Congress. (Dave Berry)

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have
that rule when Jesus was born. (Elayne Boosler)

A politician will always be there when he needs you. (Richard Smolik)

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. (Gerald
Ford)

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it
to. (John Madden)

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice. (Douglas Helsel)

Itâ¬"s a good life if you can laugh with people. Itâ¬"s a great life if you
can laugh alone. (Mike Bass)

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country. (Marion Barry)

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every
seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover
how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(Dave Berry)

I want to live forever or die in the attempt. (Woody Allen)

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Judy K.)

When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.
(Calvin Coolidge)

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when
I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive
work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: "How can I
get in on that?" (Dave Barry)

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. (John
P. Grier)

Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it
suddenly does. (Douglas Adams)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

How is crossing an oak seed with an opium poppy likely to help you
avoid radical eye surgery?
A Corneal Trance Plant (Gary Hallock)

What did the Martian say to the liquor store owner?
"Take me to your Liter's!" (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Why will dermatologists rarely guarantee a cure
Because they don't like to make rash promises. (Stan Kegel)

What kind of pie do Australian ghosts like best?
Boo Meringue (Gary Hallock)

My son was screaming at my wife, demanding a cookie at the top of his
lungs. She answered, "You are" then used three words. I thought she was
telling him three words which described how much volume he had in his
screaming, but i that he had forgotten?
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Lars Hanson)

How does a male cow proceed down a steep slope?
He tum-bulls (Cynthia MacGregor)

In what country would you expect to find the sickest undergarments?
Brazil (Stan Kegel)

What state might Rodgers & Hammerstein think is a good state to go for
a ride in?
Missouri with the fringe on top (Cynthia MacGregor)

What famous mountain did Li'l Abner come from?
Al Cappatan (Gary Hallock)

What movie and song hit was about the use of Marijuana to control the
itching of scabies?
The High and Mite-y (Stan Kegel)

Why do skunks show up at the voting place on Election Day?
They are poll cats? (By Cynthia MacGregor)

If you went to see Mount Rushmore and discovered the entire mountain
had been reduced to a pile of rubble. It would be immediately obvious
that the National Parks Service had been unable to save face so why
would you not even need to ask anyone what had become of the
presidents?
It was a four gone conclusion. (Gary Hallock)

What Shakespearean play deals with the dishonoring of a faithful wife?
The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)

When the passenger found the bed was too hard, the water too cold, and
other problems with his sleeping car arrangements he complained to the
conductor about what?
Berth Defects (By Clynch Varnadore)



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Stone Age Designs - Custom Scagliola Stone Fireplaces

Stone Age Designs - Custom Scagliola Stone Fireplace Designs, Cultured Stone Fireplace Mantels, Stone Fireplaces

Stone Kitchen Stove Hoods

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Blinkx threat to major web search engines

Search Engines - World Search News - Blinkx
Blinkx

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9.13.2004

arizona humor Origin of the Internet

Origin of the Internet


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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arizona humor CHANGE YOUR STRATEGY WHEN THINGS DO NOT WORK

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of
a building with a
sign by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind,
please help".

A creative publicist was walking by him and stopped to
observe he only had a few coins in his hat, he dropped
a few more coins in his hat and without asking for his
permission took the sign, turned it around, and
wrote another announcement. He placed the sign by his
feet and left.

That afternoon the creative publicist returned by the
blind man and noticed
that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind
man recognized his
footsteps and asked if it was him who had re-written
his sign and he wanted
to know what did he write on it?

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true, I
just rewrote your sign differently". He smiled and
went on his
way.

The blind man never knew but his new sign read:

"TODAY IS SPRING AND I CANNOT SEE IT".

CHANGE YOUR STRATEGY WHEN THINGS DON'T GO YOUR WAY.
HAVE FAITH THAT EVERY
CHANGE WILL BE FOR THER BEST.





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9.12.2004

Arizona - High Tech Directory - Reference/Quotations

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arizona humor Remembering September 11, 2001


Our thoughts and prayers go to the family, friends and co-workers of those souls who lost their lives only three years ago.



http://www.911remembrance.com/index.php?pg==0

http://www.worldtradetribute.com/main.htm

http://usinfo.state.gov/usinfo/Products/9-11_Remembrance_and_Reflections.html

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/09/20010913-7.html

Amen.

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lose inches now

Herbal Body Wraps

John Kerry's Favorite Bible Verse

John Kerry John 16:3



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arizona humor "A Female Brain Cell"

Joke #1
The only time a windshield wiper will work properly
is when it's holding a parking ticket.

Joke #2
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office
and asks how much it will cost to extract
wisdom teeth.

"$130 dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an
anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00,
but it would be very painful"

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time
if instead of using my normal surgical
procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a
pair of pliers. I could get away with charging
$50.00"

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the experience,
I suppose I could charge you just $25.00"

"Marvellous," says the man, "book an appointment
for my wife next week!"


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arizona humor The dead duck


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a
beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from
its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out
of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to
the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried."$150
just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20. But what with Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 09-11-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-11-04

THE GROANERS

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he
heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long,"
to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight too, San Jose?"
(Daily Groaner)

We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to
be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like
myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of
wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led
to the retro question, "Do you know the way to sand, Jose?" (Marsha
Coleman)

A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a
visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those." The travel agent double checked, and sure enough,
his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted
my American Express or MasterCard." (Tim Davis)

Theres a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there: Demi, Ashton,
Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate
Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you: A Rolling
Stone gathers no Moss. (Arca Max)

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar
Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood,
fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the
Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the
song lingered on. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to
water but you can't make him hoarse. (Moni)

Father Robin arrived home and found Mother Robin was not in the nest.
Checking ther eggs, he discovered one of them was definitely not his.
When Ma Robin came back, he pointed to the egg and said sternly, "How
come?" She gave him a sweet smile and replied, "Oh, I just did that
for a lark."

Joy took her daughter Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old
check-up. They had her do coordination tests, such as stacking blocks,
and they watched her to see if she was walking properly. Finally the
doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" She promptly
walked over and stood on his foot. (Gail S. Angel) [This actually
occurred to me twice in my 43 years of practice - S. K.]

A local newspaper was doing a story about how housing developments were
eating up farmland, putting the livelihood of local farmers in
jeopardy. They interviewed Arthur Brown, a well-known and respected
farmer who lived on the outskirts of town. He had received numerous
high-dollar offers for on particular field which bordered a nearby
housing development. The photographer took a picture of Farmer Brown
standing on the controversial piece of land. The picture appeared in
the story and mentioned Farmer Brown as "a man out-standing in his
field." (Leslie Spires)

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing my
teeth. "Oooh!" I would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the
little thread did its work. Suddenly and without provocation, my wife
stomped into the bathroom and gave me a swift kick in the behind.
Bewildered, I asked, " What was that for?" I'm sorry," she replied
stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers." (Bob Dvorak)

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desper Fluffy,
will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and
pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she
turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me.
I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

When the love smitten young man brought back a frosty cold beverage for
his true love, she suggested that it may have been a bit rude of him to
not bring anything back for his other friends. He replied, of course,
by saying, "My darling, I only have ice for you."

The composer kept a herd of dairy cows and in the middle of the night
one of them set up a loud noise. Grumbling, the composer got out of bed
and decided he'd better unlock the stable and see what was up, but
being half asleep he couldn't find the moo source key. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer. After the game
they sit on the edge of the saucer towelling themselves off and one ant
turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve your game for
tomorrow." The other ant asks: "Why?" The first ant replies: "We're
playing in the cup tomorrow." (Luke Davis)

The composer, not having a day job, was always at home at the piano,
and his wife soon grew tired of having him always underfoot. Finally
she lost patience and told him, "Shoo, Bert!" (Cynthia MacGregor)

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want
three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards." The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the
kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he
think, this is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook says, "three flat
tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh," says the
waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a
bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says, "What are the
beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for
the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas
up." (Les Pourciau)

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty
well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't!
CAN'T!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried. "It's perfectly
normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions." (Ted
Wilson)

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up
and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his
socks was a bottle of cognac. "Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap." (Robeo)

They've invented a gravity powered engine. It works by converting the
downward motion of a plunger into rotational motion of the wheels into
forward motion of the vehicle. It takes 90-115 pounds to push the
plunger in, so early tests used slender young women standing atop the
plunger. The experiment never went to production because the vehicle
only got 10 miles per gal on. (Jason Dias)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

Jill was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As
the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the
night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate
who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the
most successful, etc. And Jill wondered if she was going to get a prize
too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah
the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah
built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it
upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill
four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this
four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me
why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great
enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Father: If I had seven bananas and gave you three, how many would you
have left? Son: I don't know. Father: You don't know! Why not? Son: At
school we do all of our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
(Humor-Expezz)

James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow,
something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto
the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and
his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious,
with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens," exclaimed James, "what
shall I do?" "Don't move him!" cautioned his partner. "If we leave him
here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the
ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away." (Marty Dee)

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her
plate and held it up for him. "Speak," she said, "Speak!" "Under the
circumstances," the dog said, "I hardly know what to say."(Douglas
Helsel)

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four
bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he
turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he
wants to marry?" (Reader's Digest)

It appears that President Bush's concept of attacking a country
*before* it becomes a threat has been adopted by society in general.
Yesterday I got an e-mail message from the entire female population
of Ohio, requesting that I not ask them for a date. (James Knowles)





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