Funny Jokes

9.25.2004

Thanksgiving Jokes - Thanksgiving Humor - Jokes about Thanksgiving - Turkey Jokes, turkey riddle, famous quotes

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arizona humor Fw: Restaurant


----- Original Message -----
From: chell
To: arizona_humor-owner@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 4:01 AM
Subject: Restaurant









Subject: Restaurant

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man
slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still,
the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. My husband
just walked in the door."





____________________________________________________________








Since I was born some years ago
This world has changed somehow.
We use both milk and butter
That has never seen a cow.

We have instant coffee, instant tea.
Instant this and instant that;
Lots of other instant foods
Not fit to feed a cat.

We have substitute sugar,
substitute salt;
We have so many substitutes
We don't know who to fault.

Boys and girls both dress alike;
Can't tell one from the other.
Same way with Mom and Dad,
Can't tell Dad from Mother.

One more thing that doesn't look right;
I think that it's a sin.
They've moved the cook stove out of doors
And moved the outhouse in!

I don't know how far this will go,
But up until this minute,
I love this good old world of ours
'Cause I can still live in it.

...Author Unknown










"Mom," little Alexander asked, "does Jesus use our bathroom?"
"Why, no!" his mother said sweetly. "Why do you ask?"
"Cause every morning, daddy kicks the door and yells, "Christ, are
you still in there?"







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9.23.2004

Payday Loans

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arizona humor World’s Best Joke ... Stinks


Comedy isn't exactly rocket science, but maybe it's best left to the comics. (ABCNEWS.com) Worlds Best Joke Stinks
Comics Laugh at British Scientific Quest


By Buck Wolf

Oct. 8 Did you hear the one about the world's greatest joke? It's not funny.

No kidding  last week British scientists announced they had found the world's greatest joke, and this wasn't just idle chatter around the Bunsen burner.
The British Association for the Advancement of Science examined some 40,000 jokes submitted over the Internet from 70 countries.
After a year of government-financed research, Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire told the wisecrack that he claims has the best chance of working with any audience around the world.
If you've heard it already, don't spoil the punch line:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services and gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Did you laugh? I didn't, nor did any of the working comics and comedy writers I contacted. In fact, the only thing British scientists may have conclusively proven is that maybe they really are eggheads.
If Thats the Best Joke &
"If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift," says veteran comic Phyllis Diller, 85, who retired from live performances last year.
Back in the 1950s, Diller became one of the first full-time female stage comics.
"Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn," she'd tell audiences in her heyday  back when Bob Hope specials and Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts were the hottest thing on TV.

"I'm an old lady. Few things still shock me," Diller says. "But what kind of scientist thinks he can explain laughter?
"I can think of a disease or two that might be more worthy of a government research grant. Can't you?"
Still, if Wiseman wants to get into the giggle business, he should learn the first rule: Comedy is not pretty, especially if you think you're funny and you're not.
So here's what some real comedians think of Wiseman's research:

Comics Roast Egghead
"I'd have to politely suggest to Dr. Wiseman that he stick to his day job & We politely refer to some guys as a N.G.N.A  Nice Guy, No Act."
 Eddie Brill, booker for comedians, Late Show With David Letterman
"If the British are spending money on this, God knows what else they're spending it on & The joke isn't funny. It isn't even in the ballpark of funny. 'Two Jews walk into a bar without a punch line' is funnier."
 Lewis Black, commentator, The Daily Show on Comedy Central
"We now know why there are no rocket scientists  or any scientists, for that matter  on Hollywood Squares."
 Dom DeLuise, who says the hardest part of working on Hollywood Squares is "squeezing your butt into those little spaces."
"This is a joke about a man who kills his friend. The really funny thing is that this joke wouldn't work if the two hunters were women. Now, I wish science could explain that."
 Suzie Essman, who's appearing this week in HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm and Comedy Central's Crank Yankers
"That joke is such a bomb, the government is threatening to use it against Iraq."
 Jeff Gurian, comedy writer for Friars Club Roasts, Joan Rivers, and Rodney Dangerfield
"I could make that joke funny, but only if I used obscenities every three words."
 Gilbert Gottfried, stand-up comic and voice of the AFLAC duck in TV commercials
"Sure, Dr. Wiseman can find the funniest joke, but can he screw in Being A Comic, A Cut-Up, A Card, Or A Clown
"This is the kind of research you do when you graduate last in your class."
 Lenny Marcus, a computer programmer turned "Geek Comic," who recently appeared at the Montreal Comedy Festival
"That's the kind of joke that must be written in prison. No self-respecting stand-up comic would use it. My mother might like it. In fact, I'm going to call her and tell it to her."
 Eddie Ifft, New York-based stand-up comic who's appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend
"I can absolutely guarantee that's not the greatest joke. I wrote a better one last week: 85-year-old Phyllis Diller has a stalker. Not to worry, he's in a walker."
 Phyllis Diller
Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.
More on the British Humor Study

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
After examining 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million critiques researchers found found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK  where are you from, jackass?"
Europeans Dig Surreal Gags
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
In Scotland, Death Earns Laughs
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home, Dad, you're drunk.'"
Germans Laugh Most
The survey revealed other fun facts:
" Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
" If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
" The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
 Reuters


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arizona humor The pweor of the hmuan mnid & another joke

The pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

'The System'

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House. May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much
will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
$49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over
the limit and you're owing your bank $3,720.55 since October last year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing
loan, Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What !"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,
...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language, Sir. Remember on 15th July, 1987, you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else, Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles
of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would, Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic.......



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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-22-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-22-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Pimp: Piece negotiator. (Comedy Vault)

Gambling: An ankle bracelet (Jerry Pannullo)

Hypochondriac: A woman who wonâ¬"t let well enough alone

Supervisor: Really nice hatless brim (Jason Dias)

Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)

Forum: "He worked hard for that promotion so I'm very happy FORUM."
(Stan Kegel)

Garden: "Watch out, Louie. There's a GARDEN the corridor." (Doug Drill)

Photo Finish: Matt©. (Comedy Vault)

Scrotum: Malebag (Stan Kegel)

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words (Leslie Ann Poole)

Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)

Funnel: "After the wedding, your FUNNEL cease." (Stan Kegel)

Gentle: "This here GENTLE show you to the bathroom, Miss Snidely."
(Doug Drill)

Infest: A West Virginia wedding reception. (Ned Bent)

Washable: What a cowboy should do very carefully (Stan Kegel)

Approbation: Fear of early release from prison (William Safire)

Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)

Forage: "Beauty be FORAGE." (Stan Kegel)

Gallop: "It's nearly five a.m. You'd better wake that little GALLOP
(Doug Drill)

Procession: Time with a tennis teacher. (Sandy Sibert)

Polynomiial: A fasting parrot (James Ertner )

Abut: A rear end or the end of a cigarette. (Stan Kegel)

Helmit: Satan's glove. (Tim Bruening)

Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)

Bustle: The rush-hour BUSTLE be late. (Bob Dvorak)

Formica: There will be four speakers at four podiums so tell the
engineers this is definitely a FORMICA job. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Ineffable: A guaranteed Grade-A term paper (William Safire)

Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)

Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)

Alight: What you need to smoke a cigarette (Stan Kegel)

Overload: The higher part of a mine. (Tim Bruening)

Extraneous: He was born with two rectums. He has an EXTRANEOUS.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Bilious: "Here's a check for the down payment. Please BILIOUS for the
balance." (Stan Kegel)

Escapade: ESCAPADE employee if he's getting enough remuneration. (Bob
Dvorak)


POETRY

Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men. (Uncle Uri)

There was a young man from Timbuktu
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
(Moni)

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)

Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin',
Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan.
(Russell Beland)

When Satchmo converted to Jew it
Meant he'd could still play, and he knew it
But he was too hip
Placed horn to his lip
Shofar it's sho good, then he blew it
(Gary Hallock)

Robespierre's Reign of Terror was huge:
The threat level rose from l'orange to le rouge.
(Chris Doyle)

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
(Robert Taxon)

These dirty campaigns have a cost
When charges are, back and forth, tossed
Come />"Someday I'll run the CIA," said Tom aspiringly. (Fun With Words)

"I've had another look at your work, and I've decided to change your
grade," Tom's teacher remarked. (Simon Champion)

"I still think he was bluffing," Tom recalled. (Jason Dias)

"I presented my case to the judge," Tom said briefly. (Fun With Words)

"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgementally. (Simon Champion)

"They were driving much too slow for the interstate," said Tom in
passing. (Jason Dias)

"I have been reading Voltaire," Tom admitted candidly. (Fun With Words)

"I used to own this gold mine!" Tom exclaimed. (Simon Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Nathan Haley said, "I only regret that I have but one life to give for
my country." This has come to be known as Haley's comment. (Beckie
Shiles)

"In the Middle Ages, the Black Pledge was going around..." (Juel
Goldstock)

"I spent the week in Hawai, the home of pom trees, cocanuts and loo
wows." (Juel Goldstock)

"In the eleventh grade, I had a big problem. My teacher was Mr.
Goldstock and he caused my future to disappear..." (Juel Goldstock)

"Frank Furter was a Supreme Court Justice." (Juel Goldstock)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Carin Lamberson)

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacesuit (Timothy Haas)

TV Remote Control: Not dishwasher safe. (Carin Lamberson)

After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth (Workman Pub)

Instruction manual: If you prefer coffee with less bitter aftertaste,
turn the flavor selector to the left. Should you prefer a more robust
taste, turn it to the right. Regardless of the position you select, the
coffee will always have the same full flavor. (Steve Harvey)

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

Police Can't Stop Gambling (Workman Pub)

2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15
(Douglas Helsel)

How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. (Anonymous
Manufacturer)

Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed. (Douglas
Helsel)

Ad: Three upholstered chairs, coffee table, crystal, other stuff
including a computer desk suitable for large lady with thick legs and
large drawers. (Baytown Texas Sun)

Menu Item: Roasted beer on white bread topped with brown gravy. Served
with mashed potatoes or fresh fruit (Steve Harvey)

Ad: Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell.
(Douglas Helsel)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

Deja flew: The feeling I've ridden in this airplanes before. (Uncle
George)

After watching the seagull dive for a fish, the dove dove. (Felicia
Lamport)

The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)

A tot star who angers easily:
Surly Temper (Cynthia MacGregor)

Deja sue: The feeling that I've been in this courtroom before. (Uncle
George)

My sole object is to object (Felicia Lamport)

The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)

Litigious children's author:
Dr. Sues (Cynthia MacGregor)

The bass swam around the bass drum on the ocean floor. (Felicia Lamport)

When a saccharin product sponsored the Benny Goodman show at the World
Expo, he had to change his theme song to Sweet And Low Swing Clarinet.
(Stan Kegel)

Movie and stage male lead who smiled broadly but only at Christmas time Jokes and Humor

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arizona humor Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


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arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 09-21-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-21-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

Why were the elephants the last animals to leave the ark?
They had to pack their trunks. (Adelina, 8)

Where do trees get their books?
From branch libraries (Rose, 11)

Why is it so easy to weigh a fish?
It comes with scales. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

What's the difference between a batman and a thief?
Batman can go without Robin. (Douglas Helsel)

Why can't a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed! (Joanna)

What happened to the boy who ran through a screen door?
He strained himself (Daily Groaner)

What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
Let's go in for a quick dip (Rita, 10)

Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back! (Gustavo, 7)

What did the mummy detective say when he solved the case?
"That about wraps it up!" (Brett, 7)

What did the tornado say to the car?
"You want to go for a spin?" (Jemma, 11)

What do you get if you cross Sir Lancelot with a firefly?
A knight light (Doodles by Mac and Sack)

What do you call a sausage that has been stolen?
A missing link. I (Lederer & Ertner)

Why are false teeth like stars?
Because they come out at night! (Claudia, 11)

Why do fish have such huge phone bills?
Because when they get on the line they can't get off. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

Why do elephants wear trunks?
So they won't be embarrassed. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What does a bee wear when it is cold?
A Yellow Jacket (Daily Groaner)

What kind of petroleum do snails use?
Shell! (John, 12)

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear! (Rachel, 9)

Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
Because it had ticks! (Daily Groaner)

Where do lawyers live?
In legal pads. (A Joke A Day)

What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted ice cream?
Sure, Bert. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

Why are 1898 silver dollars worth more than 1897 silver dollars?
$1,898.00 is one dollar more than $1,897.00 (LOL Laughs)

Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the
tornado?
Udder disaster! (Andrew Garcia)

What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
Cookie sheets. (A Joke A Day)

What drink do boxers like?
Fruit Punch! (Ashley, 11)

What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty?
Take a meteor shower (Daily Groaner)

What do you call a little bird at the stereo shop?
A tweeter. (Mike Benny)

Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish?
A seafood restaurant. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

What drink do boxers like?
Fruit Punch! (Ashley, 11)

Why is politics for the birds?
Because politicians always parrot the same old lines. (Lederer &
Ertner)

What is the best cure for flat feet?
Pumps (Dorian, 11)

What did the dollar name his daughter?
Penny (Jennifer, 11)

What do you call a cow wearing a crown?
A dairy queen (Guadalupe, 7)

Why would you shop for a car in Las Vegas?
They have so many dealers. (Mike Benny)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because Fred
wrote he had grown another foot. (Robert Margolin)

The electric chair is period furniture. It ends a sentence. (Robert
Margolin)

A guy who worked in a gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum, and his
boss had to chew him out (Pun of the Day)

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss
your allowance goodbye!" (George Washington's Mother)

When the upstairs neighbor had a dance party, the couple hit the
ceiling. therapist told my wife to put some magic in our marriage, so she
disappeared. (Anne Kostick)

My wife said we just had to hold down our grocery bills so I bought her
a paperweight. (Anne Kostick)

Annoys: A loud sound. (Joseph Leff)

When the singer wanted to be a pilot, the instructor insisted on a solo
flight. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

"Smile," he said, "Things could get worse!" So I smiled, and things got
worse. (Edward Erskine)

The cheese makers of Wisconsin produced 1.9 million pounds of Limburger
in 1968. That's quite a phew. (Bennett Cerf)

When the first grader came home from class, Mom made "small" talk.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

She owned three french-fry factories, but to her it was just small
potatoes. (Pun of the Day)

Doctor: "Do you wake up grumpy?"
Snow White: "No, I just let him sleep." (Jennifer, 11)

Afterthought: When to take action. (Joseph Leff)

He : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
She : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time! (Krish)

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is
long past your curfew!" (Paul Revere's Mother)

Aboveboard: Place for a surfer. (Joseph Leff)

"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how
hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?" (Michelangelo's Mother)

A cowboy wanted some more experience, so he tried to find a partner who
was accessibull. One who would show him the ropes. He found one partner
who left macho to be desired, although he did have consider-a-bull
talent. But he often couldn't sleep, so he took hay to bed to feed his
night mares. (Mike Bull)

Inside a hot dog factory you never sausage a sight before. (Tony
Thoennes)

She hid in a hay stack because she couldn't get out on bale. (Mike Bull)

Advisor: How to make a cap from a beanie (School Jokes)

I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone
their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results,
and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
(Daily Groaner)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Pessimists are No-It-Alls (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"Change doesn't happen overnight. Generations of Americans have fought
for change throughout our history and are still fighting to this day.
It can be a slow and costly process but if it's right, the great people
of this nation will adopt it sooner or later." "But, I just wanted
change for a dollar." "It's not cheap, either, you know."
(mikedonovan.com: Mike Donovan)

A plugger knows he's over the hill when the only wild oats he sows are
in his cereal bowl (Pluggers: Gary Brookins)

People who say television leaves nothing to the imagination haven't
seen the picture reception we get. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

"My new girl friend is handicapped." "Really, I used to go out with a
girl who had a wooden leg. I had to break it off."(Mike Donovan)

"What are you studying, Grace?" "Averages!" "Averages?" "Yeah, you
know. Like if a woman lives in New York half the year and spends the
other six months in Florida, on the average, she lives in North
Carolina." (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

Dogs are smart enough to understand human commands. Cats are smart
enough to ignore them. (Snapshots: Jason Love)

"Did the teacher just say we're going to have a test?" "Yes, it'll
cover Michaelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello." "Piece of cake.
I know all about The Ninja Turtles. (Jump Start: Robb Armstrong)

"Could you come to my house, Dr. Zook? My horse is sick!" "You'll have
to bring him to my office, Hager. I don't make horse calls!" (Hagar
The Horrible: Chris Brow Batluk & Ayers)

Man developed the subconscious to keep secrets from himself. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)



Phoenix Arizona

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9.20.2004

arizona humor







When the Indian Chief found his daughter sleeping with one of the
tribe's braves, he was furious.
"Because you slept with my daughter," he roared, "you must marry
her. But first, you must pass a test of courage to show that you're
worthy."
"Anything," said the bold young buck.
At the chief's instructions, the brave hacked a hole in the ice of
a frozen lake. "Now," said the chief, "you must swim the mile across
and back. If you succeed, you may marry my daughter."
Without hesitation, the young Indian jumped in; by nightfall he
hadn't returned and was presumed dead.
The young squaw was distraught, and to atone for his vengeful act
the chief named the lake after the brave, a name it retains to this
day: Lake Schmuck.



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arizona humor Puns of the Weak 09-20-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-20-04

THE ONE-LINERS

What do you say to a chicken before they go on stage?
:"Break an egg!" (Daily Groaner)

I'm in real trouble. First my laundry called and said they lost my
shirt. Then my broker said the same thing. (Leopold Fechtman)

Success is relative. the greater the success, the more relatives
(Caboom).

What did God say after creating man?
"I can do so much better."
What did he say after he created woman?
"Guess I was wrong!" (Maxi Ma)

Windows is a pane in the glass! (All-Adult Humor)

When the escalator was invented, it was a step in the right direction.
(Pun of the Day)

My friend's date ended before it even began when he told the woman she
looked radiant. How was he supposed to know she was from Chernobyl?
(Charlotte)

My wife's as cold as marble. She says I take her for granite. (Anne
Kostick)

People are always calling me a hypochondriac, and let me tell you, it
makes me sick. (Anne Kostick)

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge
sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only
comes in one temperature, ma'am." (Tom & Carol)

When Dad didn't help with the carpet cleaning, Mom was steaming.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

There was an unscheduled dustup in a Bagdad harem one day long ago. The
sultan barged in unexpectedly and his sixty-two wives let out a
terrified sheik (Bennett Cerf) .

I find it ironic that when I went to confession to seek forgiveness for
my vodka-drinking problem, the priest offered me Absolution. (Brad
Simanek)

The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate.
(Pun of the Day)

He learned to blow the Shofar under the tootelage of an experienced
person. (David Grossman)

A two-hundred-pound lady always insists she's on a diet, though none
has ever spotted her observing it. Her husband calls her "the wishful
shrinker." (Bennett Cerf)

He became a chronic liar because he had a myth conception. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

My girl friend invited me to dinner last night. It was a romantic
candlelight affair. So when she fell backwards onto the table I
shouted: "Be careful, You'll burn your end at both candles!"

Goliath was surprised when David hit him with a stone because such a
thing never entered his head before. (Robert Margolin)

A poker shark once had an extraordinary run of big hands and was smart
enough to quit before his luck changed. "Not another hand, gentlemen,"
he announced firmly, as he cashed in his chips. "I intend to fold my
tens and silently steal away.!" (Bennett Cerf)

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have trouble choking down the pills I have to take for
controlling my cholesterol, but it's a lot easier now that I wrap them
in bacon. (Brad Simanek)

The pupils were assigned the task of writing an essay titled "The Most
Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw". One of the students finished his essay in
less than a minute. He wrote,"The most beautiful thing I ever saw was
just too beautiful for words." (Humor Express)

Frank Sinatra once engaged a chef freshly imported from Bombay, but
after serving the same menu six nights running, he was discharged.
Explained Sinatra, "This was one poor guy who got fired for favoring
curry." (Bennett Cerf)

How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
"I give up." (Fred Barling)

In this morning's newspaper was the weekly SPCA shelter ad, promoting a
mixed Labrador Retriever and Golden Retriever. I looked at the photo --
quite a fetching combination. (Bob lingerie. They will
buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
(Haust Javeri)

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot
on the kind of chick he marries. (Joan DeGrave)

How do I love cheese? Let me count the wheys! (Damian Krebs)

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man, so long as you don't
consider the job finished too soon. (Don & Sara Probasco)

Beer: It doesn't make the women I take home -- it makes the women I
take home look better. (Brad Simanek)

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. (Dolly Parton)

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
salt that he forgets his sugar. (Joan DeGrave)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? (Abraham Lincoln)

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while
driving. (Marty Dee)

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. (Brooke Shields)

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief
that one's work is terribly important. (Bertrand Russell)

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. (Joan
DeGrave)

[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. (George
Bush)

I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch. (Gilda Radner)

Romance is strictly a matter of timing -- the girl has to give in just
before the guy gives up. (Fred Barling)

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. (Mark
Twain)

Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get
a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination,
they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a
cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several
cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll, not that I wish to start
rumors. (Dave Barry)

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men
still sleep with their wives! (Maxi Ma)

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is
kept up. (Joan DeGrave)

CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

An author wrote a biography of Clara Barton and wanted to publish it
with a clever punny title. Unfortunately the estate of W. Somerset
Maugham objected. What was the proposed title?
Of Humane Bandage (Gary Hallock)

If George Orwell had written about the Roaring Twenties, what would he
have called nightclubs and bars?
Doublespeakeasies (Stan Kegel)

What do many big companies have in common with certain religious church
groups?
They have prophet sharing plans (By Scott Ryan)

As the robber came out of the bank, his partner yelled that the car
quit running and they had to find another. The robber ran into a
parking lot and started bumping cars until he found one which had those
alarms that say, â¬SStep back from the car! Move away from the car!?⬝ He
smiled and said â¬SThis is the one we need!⬝ What kind of car was it?
A â¬Sget away⬝ car? (By Clynch Varnadore)

What well known book by Charles might be subtitled â¬SThe Great Martini
Debate?⬝
Olive or twist (By Lars Hanson)

The important letter she was reading as she ate fell from her balcony
and fluttered toward the canal below. She was about to lose it! At the
last minute, she reached out and speared it with her fork, averting a
disaster. What did she exclaim?
I caught it just in tine! (By Cynthia MacGregor)

What piece of gymnastic equipment may be found on both sides of skid
row?
Parallel Bars (Gary Ha
Jehovah reflected upon what he had accomplished the past six days and
was not satisfied. How did he spend the next day?
In Re-creation (By Stan Kegel)

What did Friar Tuck say when Robin Hood asked him if he‘d like to eat
dinner now?
“Sherwood!” (By Gary Hallock)

Why was the engaged botanist accused of being a money-hunter?
Because he wanted to marigold. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Who originated the five-day work week?
Robinson Crusoe was able to get all his work done by Friday. (Stan
Kegel)

Given that country‘s varied culinary heritage, it is only appropriate
that Congress grant China what status recently?
Most flavored nation (By Lars Hanson)

What Bogart film might have been about a Star Trek character hanging
around the food court taunting people?
The Mall Tease Vulcan (Gary Hallock)

Why in today's economy is Christopher Columbus such a good role model?
He got over 3000 miles to the galleon. (Stan Kegel)

During the summer games some idiot in a tutu did a pirouette and jumped
into the pool with the synchronized swimmers. Describe his entry into
the water in terms of dancing and jumping into the pool.
Ballet Flop (Gary Reeves)



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arizona humor Mommy Test



MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do
that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."



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arizona humor



The real estate agent sat the prospective buyers in front of his
desk. Then he smiled and said, "First you folks tell me what you can
afford to spend for a co-op. We'll have a big laugh over that. Then
we'll get down to business."




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arizona humor




Lord, what was I thinking when I Said The Words, "I Do"

What am I doing here? I need to think this through...
With all the many joys of life just what happened
after I said the words, "I DO????"



Did I say....

I DO dishes


I DO wash

I DO ironing


Oh, My Gosh !?!

I DO wallpapering; I DO bills; I DO cooking; even when I have the chills!!!!



I DO sewing



I DO windows full of grime

Feel's just like....

I'm DOing time


What ever happened to our candlelight dinners
Romantic walks on the beach ?? Instead....... I'm up to my elbows in water,
soap and bleach
I DO "NOT" know
what happened to romance
A woman's work is never done
So, come on broom.......




LET'S YOU AND I DANCE !!!!






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arizona humor Blondes





Some of these you've heard before!

The Blondes


REPAIRS
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH
MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To
which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes
out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No,=A0 for Tails. Within half an hour she
is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During
the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering
and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going
on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs!"


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9.19.2004

Stone Fireplace Mantels and Fireplace Designs

Stone Fireplace Mantels and Fireplace Designs
Stone Fireplaces Fireplace Mantels and Fireplaces

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Phoenix Arizona: Fireplace Mantles - Phoenix AZ

Fireplace Mantles
Fireplace Mantles

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