Funny Jokes

10.02.2004

arizona humor President replied:




Mr. Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House
carrying a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs, these are authentic
Texas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney,
and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again saluted, and said, "Nice trade, sir."








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arizona humor POLE!



A fellow from Poland goes to the optometrist to get his eyesight checked.

The optometrist hands him a card with the letters - C Z W X N Q S T A C Z



"Can you read this ?" the optometrist asks.



"Read it?" the pole replies, "I know the guy."



Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/



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arizona humor Oldie but Goodie ...



OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Ruthie was enjoying a good game of bridge with
her girlfriends one
evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix
dinner for my husband!
He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready
on time!" she exclaimed.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't
have enough time to go
to the supermarket, and all she had in the
cupboard was a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opened the can of
cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it
with the lettuce leaf
just as her husband pulled up. She greeted him
and then watched in
horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her
surprise, her husband really
enjoyed his dinner.

"Ruthie, this is the best dinner you have made
for me in forty years of
marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on,
Ruthie made her
husband the same dish. She told her bridge
cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. Her bridge
cronies came around to
pay their respects and while they were sitting
around the kitchen table
one of them said, "You killed him! We told you
that feeding him that cat
food every week would do him in! How can you just
sit there so calmly
drinking tea knowing you murdered your husband?"

Ruthie stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He
fell off the mantle while he was licking his back."








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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-29-04



SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-39-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Autumn: When Mother Nature goes through a change of leaf. (Sandy Sibert)

Soupcon: Chowder's pipin' hot! Come and get it! (Ken Shurget)

Ideal: My turn to shuffle. (Lexicon)

Assert: Sore butt.(Kathy)

Becalm: Insect settles down after being angry (Stan Kegel)

Realty: Tea drunk by real estate agents. (Tim Bruening)

LaPlace transform: quick tidying up when company is expected. (B.
Michael)

Aromatic: An Italian bloodsucking insect (Stan Kegel)

Emit: Computer glove. (Tim Bruening)

Vesuvius: The volcano where the creator usually smokes. (Phill Rock)

Transformer - What your mother wants to do to your new bride (J. Mc.).

Inflation: Having to pay to put air in your tires. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

Color: A pigment of your imagination. (Owen K. Lorian)

Coincide: What you should do when it starts pouring. (Phill Rock)

Real estate agent: A person whose job it is to put you in your place.
(Anna Kostick)

Vibration: A motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to
go. (Owen K. Lorian)

Arose: A sweet smelling flower with thorns (Stan Kegel)

Mitigate: External portal festooned with gloves. (Tim Bruening)

Italics: The language spoken by ancient Italians. (Phill Rock)

Decade: Tooth with a cavity (Stan Kegel)

Version: The mother of Jesus. (Phill Rock)

Roof repairman: A person who likes to stay on top of things at work.
(Anna Kostick)

Founder: "I FOUNDER at a garage sale." (Stan Kegel)

Fortune: For news set your radio dial to 90.7 but FORTUNE dial 101.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Forestall: "Your mount is in the number FORESTALL." (Stan Kegel)

Beseech: BESEECH you when they sting. (Bob Dvorak)

Bold: "Have you ever BOLD a 300 game?" (Stan Kegel)

Florida: After an hour in the sun, his face was FLORIDA than I had ever
seen it. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Booze: "When Cobey had the ball, the cheers drowned out the BOOZE."
(Stan Kegel)

Dally: Take one of these pills twice DALLY. (Bob Dvorak)

Gantlet: "I'm sorry but I GANTLET you in here dressed like that." (Doug
Drill)

Gallon: "Hey Sheriff, there's a naked GALLON your horse." (Doug Drill)

Bitter: "He BITTER because she was teasing him" (Stan Kegel)

Farenheit: At 6'7 he was FARENHEIT over the others in his class.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

POETRY

A team of two siblings begins
Soon record for drinking Cokes, wins
Their age is the same
So they've a new name
They are "many soda's new twins"
(Gary Hallock)

Papa loved Mama,
Mama loved men,
Mama's in the graveyard
Papa's in the pen.
(Over Sexteen)

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

There ain't no justice
In this fair Ian'
Just got a divorce
From my old man
Had to laugh
At the judge's decision
Gave him the kids
And they ain't his'n.
(Over Sexteen)

I wish I could drink like a lady,
Two or three at the most;
But, two, I am under the table,
And three, I am under the host.
(Over Sexteen)

Long ago, back in nineteen oh three,
About typesetters people'd agree:
They work hard and are nice,
Rarely have a bad vice.
They're a fine bunch of characters, see?
(Kirk Miller)

Because she had such wrinkled fingers
A laundress sought job with church singers
If you so aspire
Avoid hand bell choir
So you won't be run through the ringers
(Gary Hallock)

The donkey w (Perfect Tommy).

"Although I say acerbic things to acids, I would never tell a lye. That
would be base." Tom said caustically. (R. Godfrey)

"I'll eat all of those clams myself," Tom said, selfishly. (David S.)

"Hey, what's it worth if I help you escape from prison?" asked Tom
contemptuously. (Fun With Words)

"That's a nice robotic poodle you have!" Tom said dogmatically. (Simon
Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

I wouldn't go to college in Boston because the work is harder in a
foreign country. (Juel Goldstock)

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts
who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following
correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have
read "pull rip cord." (Richard Lederer)

"He was so stund, he just stud there..." (Juel Goldstock)

Without an education, many people in this world would be dum... (Juel
Goldstock)

From a company memo notifying employees that passenger-elevator
service, air-conditioning, and water would be shut off for repairs: We
have been advised to please refrain from using the restrooms during
this shutdown. The freight elevator can be used in an emergency.
(Joan DeGrave)

"Even kings and queens can be sad. I know for a fact that,
sometimes, Queen Elizabeth mops around the castle..." (Juel Goldstock)

"All life is sacred. No one would want to be deprived of living against
his own will..." (Juel Goldstock)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a
felony. (Pastor Tim Davis)

Hotel, Zurich: Because Of The Impropriety Of Entertaining Guests Of The
Opposite Sex In The Bedroom, It Is Suggested That The Lobby Be Used For
This Purpose." (Richard Lederer)

Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"
(Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not
Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (Pastor Tim Davis)

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

Wanted: Tester at playground equipment factory-Must work the swing
shift. (Anna Kostick)

Georgia Peaches- California Grown - 89 Cents Lb. (Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Pastor Tim Davis)

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
(Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: People urgently needed to work at Armed Forces
Installation-Base pay to start. (Anna Kostick)

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used. Call Chubbie (Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Pastor Tim
Davis)

Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals
with concrete plans for the future need apply. (Anna Kostick)

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty. (Douglas Helsel)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

The actor known for tagging game fish:
Marlin Brander (Lars Hanson)

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet. (Dobhran)

Warning Label: On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be
used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed
offensive. (Pastor Tim Davis)

Cordless Phone: Do not put lit candles on phone. (Carin Lamberson)

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs-$175. (Douglas
Helsel)

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember (Douglas Helsel)

Heard from Juana as she prepared to pitch a rock into the quarry, I'm
Heavin' On Their Mine! (Lars Hanson)

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arizona humor Challenging 911 call



A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program:
"What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th
and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very
concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out
in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no
pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular
call?" the interviewer asked.

"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys
before we found the one who was dead."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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arizona humor You Might Be a Bad Cook If...



You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. /Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols.

When you BBQ two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk.

Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware.

You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!

You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.

You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.

The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.

The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset and yelled, "Where's my bacon?!"

*******************************************************************


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arizona humor Counting Cows



A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"


The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...

.......Now give me back my dog!





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arizona humor whats in a name









What's in a Name?

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-a-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU ".




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arizona humor Day care...



A college student with a young child was pleased when her
daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at
the University. The director of the day care gave the
mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the
center's high standards, the young mother asked about the
curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are
studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
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10.01.2004

arizona humor File - This list has something for everyone.


This list has something for everyone.

Mailing Lists, Web Sites, Webrings,
and Weblogs on an enormous variety of topics.

The newest mailing list is available here:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/christmascards/

It is called Christmas Cards (from the edge?) but we are not yet sure what it will end up being.
Join and contribute ideas if you have an interest in helping get that going.

Thank you,
K&B

Halloween Recipes
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Halloween Quotes
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More Thanksgiving Recipes
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Thanksgiving Quotes
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Christmas Recipes
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More Christmas Recipes
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Christmas Quotes
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A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
http://www.a-christmas-carol.com/

Christmas Carol Lyrics
http://www.christmas-carol-lyrics.com/

Christmas Christmas Christmas
http://www.christmaschristmaschristmas.com/

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
http://www.christmaschristmaschristmas.com/santa_claus/

Christmas Quotes
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Christmas Quotations
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Christmas Carols
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9.30.2004

Thanksgiving Jokes - Thanksgiving Humor - Jokes about Thanksgiving - Turkey Jokes, turkey riddle, famous quotes

Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes

WEATHER ALERT !

WEATHER ALERT !

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of hurricane Ivan and hurricane Jeanne.

The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable.

Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States than we have experienced in four years.

They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by getting behind a Bush.

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Christmas Stockings

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Famous Quotes

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9.29.2004

Arizona Humor

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be
taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of
silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just
how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO
REFILLS'."



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Arizona Humor

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.




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Arizona Humor

Temptation

A Catholic priest & a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi & asks, "Is it still a requirement
of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation &
tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding & went on with his reading. A while later,
the rabbi spoke up & asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of
your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of
the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak & broke with my
faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about 5 minutes, & then he
said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"




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Arizona Humor

A blonde

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car window
to make sure my Cocker Spaniel had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (?),
gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park ?"


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Georgia O'Keeffe

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9.28.2004

arizona humor Puns of the Weak 09-27-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-27-04

THE ONE-LINERS

Not many people know that Arthur Miller wrote a sequel to Death of a
Salesman. Naturally it covers his early years when Willy was just
starting out his career. It's called Loman on the totem pole. (Gary
Hallock)

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if
you don't have the time? (Gil Ross)

Mathematicians do not make good chefs as they fail to believe that not
all "pie are square." (Chalky)

When clouds formed over the open-air theater, the actor said, "It's
over cast" (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

While in the Middle East I bought an ink pen. I can't get it to work
though. I just don't understand Arab Bic. (SGT Snorkel)

You won't find me working as a roofer's assistant, because I loathe the
thought of catching shingles. (Damian Krebs)

I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I
came varicose. (Douglas Helsel)

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never
the present. (Joan DeGrave)

When he stepped in the mud, he had to soften his stance. (Pun of the
Day)

Juan lives in a small hut, in a small Mexican village and catches a few
fish daily to eat with his tortillas. Retire now in idyllic Mexico with
almost no money. And ... You too can live as cheaply as Juan. (Jim
Jaeger)

Four fashion models, all wearing Dior gowns, were sitting in a Citroen.
When asked what type of car it was, one girl replied, "It's a four Dior
job." (Robert Margolin)

What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
Rhesus pieces. (Paul Cooper)

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly. (Maxi Ma)

If you ever decide to kill someone, make sure you don't do yoga first.
That pre-meditation thing makes a big difference in a court of law.
(Mongoose & Milk)

When the funeral pyre broke and fell into the fire, it was referred to
as a bier bust. ("pun"jab)

Yogurt has a long whey to go before it becomes popular culture. (ali
leslie)

I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Daily Groaner)

I swear I'll quit my job here at the Nestle factory if my rah-rah
supervisor tries one more time to motivate us by yelling, "C'mon guys,
it's Crunch time!" (Brad Simanek)

A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm"
(instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher
riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
(Lucetta Myers)

A police captain, regarded as something of an egghead by subordinates,
was shown two sets of fingerprints of a suspected robber. "These can't
belong to the same man," objected the captain. "They're whorls apart."
(Bennett Cerf)

If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes
your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac? (Alan Selk)

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If you take care of your peonies, the dahlias will take care of
themselves. (Robert Margolin)

Inflation is creeping up. Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a
restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card, And it
fit. (Kevin Rayner)

How many lawyers does it take to change a flat tire?
Three: One to call the tow truck on the cell phone, one to stir the
martinis, and one to take notes for the upcoming lawsuit against the
tire company. (Beckie Shiles)

The pupils were assigned the task of writing a

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to
own one." - W. C. Fields

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. (Maxi
Ma)

Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't
live without. (Anonymous)

Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first
question I ask myself is, Is this the man I want my children to spend
every other weekend with? (Caboom)

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
(Joanna) -

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around
and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children.. (Joanna)

Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed,
and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders. (Joan
DeGrave)

When the government puts teeth in the law, they aren't always wisdom
teeth. (Beckie Shiles)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)

People who have difficulty remembering the slightest incidents usually
have no trouble recalling even the most incidental slights. (Mardy
Grothe)

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag. (Joan DeGrave)

God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as
much as you talk. - (Joanna)

Evil doers are in the eye of the beholder. (Stephen Kramer)

The desire to take medicine is one feature which distinguishes man, the
animal, from the rest of his fellow creatures. (Sir William Osler)

Always keep your successes in mind during moments of failure and your
past failures in mind during moments of success. (Mardy Grothe)

Does anyone ask rhetorical questions anymore? (Stan Kegel)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright)

But remember what The Bible says: "To err is conservative; to forgive
is liberal." (Micheal Bass)

Fifty-five is the ideal age for a woman especially if she is 65.
(Beckie Shiles)

Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could
fit inside Noah's ark. But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark
without a single power tool. (Bill Jones)

My blood type is O positive and my pregnant wife's is O negative. Now
I'm no math whiz, but doesn't that mean our child will be bloodless?
(Allen Lindsey)

Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us
something about the custom of shaving. (Tom Robbins)

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. (Douglas Adams)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

What do you call drunken French artists who paint on gesso?
The plastered of Paris (By Gary Hallock)

Why are gymnasts such good friends in times of need.
Because they will bend over backwards to help you. (Stan Kegel)

Every Thanksgiving in my family we would all get together for a family
dinner. We were a large family but could only afford one turkey. The
children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the
platters to reach us after passing through the adults. Even though I
longed for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out
before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We
would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a
very valuable lesson in life. That lesson is captured in what saying?
Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst. (By Lars Hanson)

A certa Hallock)

It is well known that athletes are very superstitous. If their luck has
changed and they're doing well, they make sure everything remains
constant, even wearing the same socks or underwear without washing for
days or even weeks at a time. This was true of one of the pitchers in
our Olympic Gold softball team who would not pitch unless her pet
parrot was sitting on an old alarm clock in her view. Her fellow
players had a term for this which sounds like what has been so
prevalent in this year's election campaign. What was that description?
Underhanded Polly Ticks (Stan Kegel)

A lady at work was commenting that she works on the shipping dock,
receiving and stockroom depending on where she's needed. So I told her
I guessed that if she had a day where she only worked receiving and
stockroom that would be a?
Dock Holiday (Clynch Varnadore)

What composer's music do you play to put a baby to sleep?
Rock 'm on 'n' off (Alex Ramirez)

The detainees held at "Yahoo Groop" prison are served only a meager
ration of a tepid and tasteless broth. Adding insult to injury, the TV
in their cell block picks only one station, the 24-hour O.Henry
wordplay channel. Does this constitute torture? What's going on here?
Gruel And Unusual Punishment (Gary Hallock)

The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art recently had an exhibit by the
1930â¬s artist Juan Pinyon. Pinyonâ¬s rather eclectic work consisted of a
celebration of the machine age and modern manufacturing, and showed
small paintings and photographs of American workers and factories and
industrial processes framed in cogs and, most appropriately, pinions.
The title of his exhibit echoed an old admonition. What was it?
Little pictures have big gears. (Lars Hanson)

My husband gave our infant some casaba and he has been crying all
night. I called the pediatrician and he told me I have ...
A melon colicy Baby (Stan Kegel)

A manufacturer of kitchen utensils produced a date-reminder for
distribution to its customers. In a throwback to a bygone era, this
handout featured one of the most comely female employees, wearing one
of the company's products and little else. What might she be called?
A Colander Girl (Bob Dvorak)

Why does a lung doctor have such an interest in the dark phase of the
lunar orb?
Heâ¬s a new-moon-ologist (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Of what could you accuse a person who uses someone else's name when
promising money to a telethon?
Pledgerism (Gary Hallock)

I developed a problem with my colon and was taken to a specialist from
Havana. What was his specialty?
Castroenterology (By Stan Kegel)

On a recent occasion one of Donald Duck's wise-ass nephews tried to
pass himself off as a famous TV journalist by exposing his soft
feathery butt to a TV news camera crew. Painted upon his plush derriere
was a color chart. Who was he impersonating?
Hue(y) Downs(Gary Hallock)

What color will you find the former Soviet Union on most maps? Chart
Russ (By Stan Kegel)

Whatâ¬s the difference between in internal tax on commodities and a
really large hatchet for cutting down trees?
One is an excise tax, the other is a Tex-sized axe. (By Clynch
Varnadore)



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arizona humor Awards for Idiots of the Year 2004

Awards for Idiots of the Year 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

IDIOT! Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign!

Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself .


Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, tha


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arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 09-28-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-28-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

How do you make a skeleton laugh?
By tickling his funny bone. (Daily Groaner)

What do you call a pea from the '60s?
A hip pea (Rachel, 11)

When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games (Tei, 8)

Why do teachers wear sunglasses?
Because their students are so bright! (Alexa, 8)

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
Because they're both full of stuffing! (Joanna)

Why do grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic?
Because baggers can't be choosers. (Jay Salinger)

Why did the pony's hoof make a funny sound?
Because his horseshoe was a ringer. (Hilario, 10)

What do you call a lizard with a platinum hip-hop album?
Rap-tile! (Daily Groaner)

Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
Because he broke the record! (James, 11)

What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight gown (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What did the blanket say to the bed?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered!" (Susan, 11)

Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
It becomes a sourpuss. (Kyle, 9)

Why did the teacher say Johnny's grades were were under water?
They were all below "C" level (Andy 12)

Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather. (Douglas Helsel)

Did you hear about the successful school play?
It was a class act. (Mike Benny)

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle. (Andrew Garcia)

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end but only
corn meal at the other?
Because in hard economic times it's difficult to make both ends meat.
(Lederer & Ertner)

Why did the urban gang cross the road?
To ghetto the other side. (Bob Dvorak)

What did the big French fry say to the little French fry?
Ketchup (Rachael, 7)

Why did the boy call his pet pig Ballpoint?
It was a pen name. (Lederer & Ertner)

Which line did the comedian stand in at the dance?
The punch line (Daily Groaner)

What did the the Roman emperor say when he saw his best friend scarf
down an entire can of Starkist?
Et tuna, Brute? (Sean)

Which is worth more an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
An old ten-dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE. (Douglas
Helsel)

Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom. (Bill Edwards)

Why are fish so smart?
Because they swim in schools. (Rosie Oâ¬"Donnell)

What animals would you expect to pray?
The praying mantis, the church mouse, the holy see anemone and the
papal tiger (Michael Bass)

What does a porcupine like to do when playing volleyball?
Spike. (Pun of the Day)

What did his friends say when the watchmaker wrote a book?
"It's about time" (Zoe, 9)

What do you call a computer superhero?
A screen saver. (Beckie Shiles)

Why did Johnny bite his nails
Because the doctor said he was iron-deficient. (Reed, 13)

Why did the little moron stand on his head in the kitchen?
He was making an upside down cake. (Bill Edwards)

Why did the little moron jump out his second story window last March
twenty-first?
To try out his new Spring suit! (Bill Edwards)

What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
Two lips! (Douglas Helsel)

Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
Because she did a ewe-turn! (Betty, 8)

Why did the little moron go to night school?has put his money where his mouth is.

Did you hear about the tire dealer that had a blowout sale ? (Tony
Thoennes)

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Jack sold a cow for some beans, came home to his mother, and spilled
the beans. (Pun of the Day)


It's a real dollars and cents wedding. He hasn't any dollars and she
hasn't any sense. (Anna Kostick)

"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"
(Christopher Columbus's Mother)

People like to help him out just as soon as he comes in! (Lucetta Myers)

A music company put pianos outside for a sale, but protected their
internal organs (Pun of the Day)

A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my great-great uncle's
100th birthday party. On the front ~ in bold letters ~ it screamed,
"If he's heard it once, he's heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday,
Sam!" (Marsha Coleman)

"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!" (Napoleon's Mother)

When the doctor mounted a diagram of the brain, he established a frame
of mind. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Have you heard of the dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
(Joan DeGrave)

"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?" (Abraham Lincoln's Mother)

I almost got married a few times, but fortunately, they were only
near-Mrs. (Anne Kostick)

The valedictorian wore to her interview for college a smart suit.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

"Do you sell cats meat?" "Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a
human being." (Bruce A. G. Calder)

"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?" (Mona Lisa's Mother)

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would
behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good, why
can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!" (Thomas Edison's Mother)

He bought a plate with four corners so he could have a square meal.
(Pun of the Day)

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii,
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to
welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after
its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the
Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell
Bill.

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Sign in The Spiritial Music Center window says "We have a full line of
trumpet rentals." Woman says, "Well, I suppose its for people who don't
like to blow their own horn. (Non-Sequitur: Wiley)

Two high school students with skate boards sitting on a bus in seats
designated, "These seats reserved for seniors." One says, "Don't tell
anyone I'm a junior." (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)

Crankshaft driving his school bus up a hill. "Ha! Donald's mother has
finally given up. I knew she could never make it up Turtle Hill with
that cast and the French horn case. I guess you could say she wasn't
musically inclined." (Crankshaft: Batluk & Ayers)

Arcade Token: "I'm stating a pledge drive today." Kennedy dime: "For
what cause?" "For the San Andreas." "Why that?" "So people can be
generous to a fault." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)

Gossips suffer from acute indiscretion (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Kennedy Dime: "Where is arcade token today?" Lincoln Penny: I shut him
up in a safe." "Why did you do that? "It needed to be done. And "Well on basic cable, they've got the Ten
Commandments, and on premium cable, they're breaking them" (Shoe:
Cassett & Brookins)

Watch out for the chef who won't lick his own fingers (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Doctor to patient: "Hmm. I don't like the look of that. Come back when
it clears up." (Oddly Enough: Chris Kemp)

I know of one way of achieving immortality. When your number comes up,
make sure its unlisted. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

I live life in the fast lane because I can only afford eight items or
fewer. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

I never rely on statistics. Research shows 87% are usually inaccurate.
(Bottom Liners: Eric & Bill Teitelbaum)

People who diet naturally are born losers. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Wahington D. C. Spin Doctors. Washer Drier Repairs (Bound and Gagged:
Dana Summers)



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9.27.2004

HGTV Show �Curb Appeal� Features SLIDE-LOK Garage Storage Cabinets

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arizona humor Very good recipe






Cookie Recipe

1... Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2... Get cup of coffee.
3... Get cat off of cookbook.
4... Find that special recipe.
5... Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6... Go to fridge and get eggs.
7... Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8... Break eggs in small bowl.
9... Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl.
10.. Answer the phone.
11.. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13.. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14.. Throw flour out and get more.
15.. Preheat oven for cookies.
16.. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17.. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18.. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19.. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20.. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom things
have been knocked over on top of the counter.
21.. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
22.. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23.. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24.. Clean up bathroom.
25.. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now.
26.. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27.. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour.
28.. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle.
29.. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies.
30.. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car at the
store parking lot.
31.. Eat most of the cookies on the way home.





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arizona humor Monks


The new young monk is assigned to help the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the order by hand. He
notices that they are copying from copies, not from the
original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to ask him about it,
pointing out that if a monk made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up, and would be
continued in all future copies.

The Abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, the Abbot goes down into the caverns under the monastery
where the original manuscript has been in a locked vault,
unopened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by, and nobody sees the old Abbot. The young monk
gets worried and goes down to find him. He finally finds him
banging his head against the floor. His forehead is bloody
and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking
voice, the old man replies, "The word is celebrate."








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arizona humor Bird and Police Officer






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bird and Police Officer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.









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arizona humor THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN ~ SOOO CUTE!






THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN - This is so cute and oh so true

Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing
didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand ax-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the
coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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arizona humor One way to get your exercise.... (and other jokes)

One way to get your exercise....

An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one
day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a
house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too high for him to
reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time,
the Rabbi moves closer to
the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up
behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the Rabbi
smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

**********************************************************************

Interview ....

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the
position of divisional
manager. He devised a simple test to select the
most suitable person for
the job. He asked each applicant the question,
"What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His
answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled
out a calculator and
showed the answer to be between 3. 999 and 4.
001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in
the case of Jenkins v.
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was
proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The
business man asked him, "How
much is two and two?" The accountant got up from
his chair, went over to
the door, closed it then came back and sat down.
He leaned across the
desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you
want it to be?"

He got the job.

**********************************************************************

Strength Vs. Age

A strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun
of Morris, one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, Morris had
enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth
is?" he said. "I will bet
a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel
back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's
a bet! Let's see what
you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."

**********************************************************************

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a
check up. As the doctor
looked in her ears and asked, "Do you think I'll
find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and
looked down her throat. He
asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster
down there?" Again,
the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.
As he listened to her
heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear
Barney in there?" "Oh,
no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my
heart. Barney's on my
underpants."

**********************************************************************




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arizona humor Groaners Of The Weak 09-25-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-25-04

THE GROANERS

Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with
my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned
that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had
stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had
instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that
only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably
well despite his humble beginnings. "I don't understand," he puzzled. I
explained: "Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher
cropper." (By Dan Dutcher)

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited
him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a
producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would
attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and
admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and
drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher
recognized the man from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here
with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality
this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in
which they were given." (Jaonna's Jokes)

A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the
winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a
difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby
pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said,
"Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the
other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the
mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions.
That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any
time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your
instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.' "
(Beckie Shiles)

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him
he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back
to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza,
and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the
Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only." (Douglas Helsel)

A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard
ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer
told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's
the brig for you!" The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could
sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and
tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was
again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the
same routine. In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he
found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he
asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all
night and couldn't sweep a link!" (Joan DeGrave)

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather />"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover
crops." (Douglas Helsel)

First my sister starts banging all those clowns. Then she takes up with
that human cannonball guy, and now she's hot and heavy with the
ringmaster. I guess she's determined to sleep her way to the Big Top.
(Larry Hollister)

Margaret, the travel agent relates the following story: A business man
called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly
to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, honey, I've
been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

If you go camping with a Supreme Court Justice, try taking his favorite
beach toy and pushing it out into the middle of the shallow lake. He'll
stand in his swimming suit for hours at the edge of the dock in quiet
contemplation, trying to determine whether when retrieving it he should
row v. wade. (Brad Simanek)

There's a rumor circulating around the fast food industry that
"Hooter's" is going to open a new division. The new operation will sell
basically the same food menu, and employ a similar staff and concept,
but for home delivery, They plan on calling the new operation
"Knockers" (Lorraine A. Bellis)

The teacher was trying to explain to her class the mean of the word
"difference" as it is used in arithmetic. She drew seven circles on the
blackboard and said to her students: "Watch as I erase four of the
circles. Now, Billy, tell me, what's the difference?" Billy spoke up
quickly, "That's what I say, what's the difference? Who cares? (Douglas
Helsel)

When my friend John came from Philadelphia to visit us in Kentucky, it
took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents. One
morning we were having breakfast at a local diner, and he ordered an
egg platter that came with grits. "Hominy?" inquired our waitress.
"Just two," John replied. (Marsha Coleman)

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter
became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The
director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To
assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked
about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today
we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." (Clean
Laffs)

Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first
American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that
she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used
by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists
what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ...
the flag poll.

There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - -
separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas
into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the
cows would grab them and pull them over to their side. At that point,
they would kick the llamas around - - using them like soccer balls, or
worse! The moral of the story? Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to
be cow toys. (Gil Ross)

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The
first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg
would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The
second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a s
My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at
the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator
asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left
his last name. When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't
know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me
rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And
your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "We're not allowed to
give last names." (Hukkam)

Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man
asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask
him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he
explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call
you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really
funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your
whistle. (Hukkam)

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for
coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to
upset the productivity quota." "Me? I came to work early." said the
second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy." "And I am here
for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this
proved I had an American watch." (Robeo)

Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic
and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious,"
the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful
thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You
haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me
rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?" The
rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding." (Irene
Ariel Mystery)

For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am NOT the maid" is a phrase they've heard
many times. When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one
week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported,
were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not
picked up after himself in the men's lavatory, "I am NOT your mother!"
(Dave)

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It
lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his
wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began
to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs.
"I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out
together." (Douglas Helsel)

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and
slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the
man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the
phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't
notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds.
Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor
Fluffy is gone..." "Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent
called? (Pastor Tim Davis)

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped
forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And
what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the
spokesman, "Fre



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