Funny Jokes

10.08.2004

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10.07.2004

arizona humor TENNESSEE Gal woncha come out tonight!




Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Georgia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them Tennessee girls.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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10.06.2004

arizona humor LITTLE JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN





Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN


> A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started

> her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

>

> After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you

> think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

>

> No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her

> face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself

beautiful,"

> said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

>

> "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned tha! ! t his

students

> might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas

> season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood

that

> the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So

he

> asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

>

> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

>

> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

>

> Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!

> He's in our bathroom!!!"

>

> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a

> response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long

seconds.

>

> Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

>

> Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on

the

> bathroom! ! door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in

class.

> She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

>

> Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

>

> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

including

> human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed

> especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of

> Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as

though

> he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny

> responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a

wife."

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local

police

> station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10

> most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

asked

> if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the

policeman.

> "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

>

> Little Johnny asked, "W />If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
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arizona humor Two Wal-Mart Greeters





Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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arizona humor Kids say...



A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce
the outcome of a political election.

"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.

My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in
disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on
national television!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 10-06-04



SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-06-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Academy Awards: Idol entertainment (Waugh, Silbert & Leff)

Soft Spot: The precise point where safety caps must be pressed to open
a bottle. Instinctively found easily by toddlers but usually too small
to be found by seniors. (Stan Kegel)

Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen
Litterst)

Geometry teacher: An instructor who definitely knows all of the angles.
(Anna Kostick)

Pantyhose: A sheer illusion of gauze and effect (Stan Kegel)

Crossdressing: Disguise the limit (John S. Crosbie)

Mail carrier: A person whose goal it is to be letter perfect. (Anna
Kostick)

Et al: - To have consumed everything (Gary Hallock)

Peanut: A crazy urologist (Louis Raffen)

Pen Pal: A cellmate (Tom Doyle)

Tears: Remorse code (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Baseball: A busines$ that can't thrive without strikes (Art. Moger)

Copyright : Ensuring that you donテ「ツャツ"t misspell the stuff youテ「ツャツ"re stealing!
(Gunjan Seraf)

Stem-Cell: Where insects lay their eggs to hide them from other
insects. (Stan Kegel)

Dance teacher: A job that allows you to really put your foot down.
(Anna Kostick)

Prison: The place you'd go only in a pinch (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Masseuse: A cramp counselor (Stan Kegel)

Nostalgia buff: Someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense

Sir Lancelot In A Plane: A fly-by knight (Sandy Sibert)

Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Head Case: Motorcycle helmet (Sandy Sibert)

Modem : What landscapers did to dem lawns (Gunjan Seraf)

Warden: A man who makes his living by his pen (Art. Moger)

Flatulent: Did he clean up the FLATULENT him when he left? (Stan Kegel)

Tantamount: The Lone Ranger's mount was Silver but what was the
TANTAMOUNT? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Doctor: The captain let his first mate DOCTOR for the first time. (Stan
Kegel)

Alpine: My boyfriend left me and ALPINE for him for a long time.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Catalog: Whenever the animal shelter received a new feline, it was
checked in by entering it's name on the CATALOG. (Bradley Williams)

Forbid: Prepare a proposal for the contract that is being put out
FORBID. (Stan Kegel)

Monumental: Love? Trust? Good times? MONUMENTAL those things to me and
more! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Carpenter: A housepainter charges by the room and a CARPENTER by the
vehicle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Acquaint: I found ACQUAINT Bed and Breakfast near the beach. (Stan
Kegel)

Reticent: I wouldn't give one RETICENT for your opinion. (Bob Dvorak)

Damage: Engineers built much DAMAGE on the Columbia River (Bob Dvorak)

POETRY

A weightlifter loved himself best
"why must I, at my bench, see me less?"
Hung a mirror above
"I can watch my true love"
He's invented the vanity press!
(Clynch Varnadore)

The birds that sing in the morning
Sometimes raise an awful to-do
Perhaps it's because they're in mourning
Since their bills are all over dew.
(John S. Crosbie)

The director, he sighed in relief
No Omar was there to cause grief
His film, you should know, man
Was set in Times Roman
And was to be shot, Sans Sherif!
(Clynch Varnadore)

To meet, I propounded a motion,
Some pals, I might find on the ocean.
So on a cruise, winter's,
I met up with printers,
The liner type with the same notion.
( Bob Dvorak)

Guns are unlawful; Nooses all give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
(Dorothy Parke said Tom callously. (Bob Dvorak)

"You don't see the point, do you?" asked Tom, making a stab in the
dark. (Think.com)

"I just lit the firecrackers," said Pop loudly. (Simon Champion)

"My oar is broken," said Tom robustly. (Think.com)

"It's time to turn the pancakes!", Tom said flippantly. (Simon Champion)

"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)

"I want to go over to the other side of the road, but I'm too chicken,"
said Tom crossly. (Simon Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box (Douglas Helsel)

"Cleanliness is next to Godlessness..." (Juel Goldstock)

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir. (Richard Lederer)

Stay stewed for the nudes (Pun American Newsletter)

Tomorrow's lecture will be "Recycling -- Our Garbage is a Resource."
There will be a potluck supper at 6 p.m. (Richard Lederer)

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental. (Richard Lederer)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Richard Lederer)

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented. (Richard Lederer)

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There
Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Six Months For Teen Who Stabbed Girl With Ex-Boyfriend (Western Mail,
North West Wales)

Bumper Sticker: Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Sign at a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the
same spot." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Foot soldiers-Lots of chances to advance. (Anna Kostick)

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Laser Pointer: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. (Carin
Lamberson)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included $100 (Douglas Helsel)

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer.
(Douglas Helsel)

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree (Richard Lederer)

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Diner needs waitress for busy lunch hour rush-Applicant must be
counterproductive. (Anna Kostick)

Sign in a bowling alley: Sign up for our cash prize tournament and win
some pin money.

Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim (Richard Lederer)

Label Warning:Good Neighbor Pharmacy Ferrous Sulfate: CONTAINS IRON.
(Syman Hirsch)

Sign in a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
(Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Tailors needed to make western rawhide jackets-Job includes
lots of fringe benefits. (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

A Vision of Optometrists (Haust Javeri)

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arizona humor Religious Humor ...



While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnnn. . . and into the hole you goooo."


~~~~~

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said "To make the gravy!"



~~~~~

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand and shouted out,
"Thou shall not take the covers off they neighbor's wife."

~~~~~

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."


~~~~~

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

~~~~~
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10.05.2004

arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 10-05-04



KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-05-04

HALLOWEEN PUNS

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Why donテ「ツャツ"t vampires play poker?
The stakes are too high (Cassie, 9)

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
The cook was beating the eggs.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

Four ghosts were playing poker when there was a knock at the door.
"Whooo is it?" they asked. "Rigor Mortis. May I set in?" (John S.
Crosbie)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of pray! (Joanna)

What did the horse say when it fell?
"I've fallen and I can't giddyup!" (Bobby, 10)

What did the baby corn say to his mama?
I want my pop-corn (Jane, 7)

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it didn't peel to well (Viviana, 10)

Why are owls invited to so many parties?
Because they are a hoot to have around. (Daily Groaner)

What did the mommy train say to the baby train during dinner?
Chew-chew! (Isabelle, 9)

Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Holy smokes! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing! (Kaitlyn, 11)

Why did the little moron shoot the alarm clock?
Because he felt like killing time. (Bill Edwards)

What did one battery say to the other?
"I got the power!" (Drew, 7)

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the "Dark Ages"?
Because they had so many knights (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play! (Joanna)

What's the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant. (Douglas
Helsel)

How do you get a cut-price parrot?
Plant bird seed! (Joanna)

Why are young boys like flannel?
Because they shrink from washing (Stan Kegel)

Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom. (Bill Edwards)

What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
Claw enforcement. (Beckie Shiles)

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie! (Joanna)

Who won the Kentucky Derby, types 180 words per minute, and can carry
10 times her own weight?
Secretary Ant! (Daily Groaner)

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry (Adrianna, 10)

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate! (Lee Hogan)

What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
Jail-birds! (Joanna)

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings. (Douglas Helsel)

What animals would you expect to pray?
The praying mantis, the church mouse, the holy see anemone and the
papal tiger (Michael Bass)

When was beef the highest it has ever hanging." "Hanging? Who are
they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of
a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He
wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and
brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they
hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.

Lots of people thought Barbara was spoiled, but it was just the perfume
she was wearing... (Anne Kostick)

"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the
last forty years!"(Moses's Mother)

To kill a circus in one blow you need to go for the juggler (Pun of the
Day)

The organizational get together for a company football team is called a
kickoff meeting. (Mike Bull)

When business improved, the florist faced a rosy future. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

A taxi cab company sign: Our goal is to drive away all of our customers.

This guy opened a school for horseback riding, but soon business fell
off? (Anne Kostick)

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products,
because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend
to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda
enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones. I cheddar
to think what they'll come out with next. (Ken Kramer)

Did you hear about the unique platypus?
He was unlike all the otters. (Arca Max)

Sign on a submarine: When we fight, we're not ashamed to take a dive!

Our company manufactures doors and we stand behind them. (Pun of the
Day)

Have you heard of the downfall of the bungee suppliers? (Joan DeGrave)

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The
tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll
die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and
asked, "How many times? (LAB Laughs)

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave. (Tony Thoennes)

Little Miss Mufffet was a girl who really knew how to make her whey in
the world. (Stan Kegel)

Checkers was invented starting at square one. (Pun of the Day)

A travel agency sign: We mean it when we say we want you to go away.

A bed is where people who are run down wind up. (Cheli)

When Crazy Glue was invented lots of people became attached to it (Tony
Thoennes)

To golf at your favorite course may require a long drive. You need to
wear your golfer's socks. The pair with a hole in one. (Mike Bull)

A diaper factory sign: Let us pamper your newborn baby.

The musicians didn't use the rickety platform because it was a banned
stand. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Kennedy Dime: "So, what's your money making scheme today, Arcade?"
Arcade token: "I'll be flipping at a celebrity tennis match. Ellen will
be participating in the fund raiser, so we can seeテ「ツャツヲ DeGeneres do a
fault." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)

If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Lincoln penny: "Arcade, I had you locked up." Arcade token: "Somebody
opened the safe." "So what were you bothering Cris (Columbus) about?"
"He's an old sailor, old salt, old tar. I was just giving him some
tips. Just trying to be generous to a salt." (Money Talks: Owen
Lorion)

At least egotists don't go around talking about other people.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Arcade Token: "Have you seen these Dance Revolution arcade games?"
Lincoln penny: "Dances today are too wild! Our dances were more
stately, dignified, and took some practice!" "I do believe you're being
generous to a waltz." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)

Why shouldn't spee such good-bying power. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Girl selling "Spirital Advice" for ten cents, "The only way to be in
touch with the universe is to be in touch with yourself." Boy, "I
thought Father Duffy said that was a sin." (Soup to Nutz: Rick
Stromoski)

Confirmed bachelors go through life without a hitch. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Now there is a better way to earn your degree.
Capella University is an online university that is revolutionizing what you expect from adult education. We offer richly rewarding programs that deliver measurable resultsテ「ツツ廃ersonally and professionally.
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arizona humor Sad but probably true!



A woman called the dean of the college where her freshman
son was going.

"I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with.
He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, " Then he can hang out with the faculty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sad, but probably true! : (


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/





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arizona humor IDIOTS of 2004






I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she

caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the

ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into

the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to

mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill

the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency

room right away.





IDIOT! Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.





Number Two Idiot of 2004





Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a

life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of

the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,

they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out

that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that

activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.






Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.





Number Three Idiot of 2004





A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of

America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your

muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the

teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might

call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank

of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few

minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it

and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light

in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because

it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either

have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a

few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.





Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.





Number Four Idiot of 2004





A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of

the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the

robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused

and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was,

but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and

gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was

in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from

the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the

name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested

the robber two hours later.





This guy definitely needs a sign!





Idiot Number Five of 2004





A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolver demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register

without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they

weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.





Sign please.





Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote, (and breed).
Yikes!


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arizona humor How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way





How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the

water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that

come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and

rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no

people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and

run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog



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HGTV Show ソスCurb Appealソス Features SLIDE-LOK Garage Storage Cabinets on Home

HGTV Show 窶廚urb Appeal窶

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10.04.2004

arizona humor Health Shorts










Health food is something you nag your spouse to death to eat.

It may be true that men would live longer if they avoided drink,
smoke, and women. But we'll never know until someone tries it.

Americans are getting fitter. Quite a while ago it took two adults to
carry fifty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a child can do it.

A low-cholesterol diet is the key to heartening of the arteries.

A bed is where people who are run down wind up.

Smokers are people who puff on cigarettes, cigars, and steps.






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arizona humor Puns of the Weak 10-04-04



PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-04-04

THE ONE-LINERS

The baker's bread recipe won the contest because it rose to the
occasion. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

In every conversation I make a casual remark about my glasses. It is an
optical allusion. (SGT Snorkel)

Masseurs are people who knead people! (Norm Gilbert)

Members of an Eastern religion pay for their sins by beating themselves
with small, triangular flags. It is their way of doing pennants. (SGT
Snorkel)

Ivan the Terrible wasn't totally bad. He was just mid-evil. ("pun"jab)

My company sent a check down to the marina to cover the rent for my
boat slip. They paid my dock. (Gary Hallock)

When you get old you can always avoid boredom by taking a trip to
Egypt. That's really a senile experience. (John S. Crosbie)

What did the law professor face when his students protested?
A class action (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Black holes suck.(Owen K. Lorian)

The eye doctor wanted to re-locate but couldn't find a job because he
didn't have enough contacts. (Mike Bull)

"There's a new diet where you don't eat any carbohydrates." "What's
carbohydrates?" "No bread. No cereal. No rice. No potatoes. No chips,
crackers or pretzels at all!" "That would drive me starch-craving mad"
(Gard Webster)

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. (Tony Thoennes)

To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Owen K. Lorian)

Most people don't know that the disciples liked eating thin, cooked
cereal for breakfast. It was the Holy Gruel. (SGT Snorkel)

An applicant for a driver's license came to the question: "How many
feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?" He answered: "Two
feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake." He got his license. (Joan
DeGrave)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Owen K. Lorian)

I think we should outlaw toenail fungus, because if toenail fungus is
outlawed, only outlaws will have toenail fungus. (Fanny Bright)

My favorite sport is boxing. But then, I guess that's no surprise,
coming from a guy who works for UPS. (Larry Hollister)

In days of yore, there was a king who was a terrible tempered despot.
His disposition was partly the result of a severe case of hemorrhoids.
Historians refer to him as tyrannic soreass rex. (Gunjan Saraf)

The banker hired the seer because he need a teller. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

Pun' backwards is nup. And a nup is a nup is a nup. (Mike Bull)

My boss's secretary needed the day off to see the physician, but she
didn't have insurance, so he doctor pay. (Jason Dias)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

QUOTES

If you smoke your cigarettes shorter, you will smoke them longer.
(Henny Youngman)

The clock struck midnight, and I realized that Oktoberfest was now upon
us. I expected the wurst. (Joseph Harris)

Sirius, the dog star, is drawing closer to earth at a rate of nine
miles a second. Someday we could be in Sirius trouble (John S. Crosbie)

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron
deficiencies. (Pun of the Day)

The Parson said, "Mr. Gibbs, we haven't seen you in a long time.
remember?" (Bob Dvorak)

The Chinese Nationalists are normally a temperate group. However, they
have been known to Taiwan on from time to time. ("pun"jab)

The gift o
a number and nobody answers (Humor Express)

We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find
out why no work is getting done (Gil Ross).

It takes a village to lose the battle and win the war. (Stephen Kramer)

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. (Gail S. Angel)

A little knowledge is the mother of invention. (Stephen Kramer)

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me. (Hunter S. Thompson)

If at first you don't succeed, weep, and you weep alone.(Stephen
Kramer)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. (Anonymous)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

A group of students is being taught and/or coached in a gymnasium. Each
student is issued a set of clothing designed to allow him to freely
move, stretch, jump, etc. What would you call this outfit that makes it
sound like it was designed by a lawyer?
a "Class Action Suit" (Bob Dvorak)

Most stadiums and events have been renamed by sponsors. A well known
manufacturer is going to be the sole sponsor of a music award show and
has added their name to the event. It now sounds like it should be a
medical test. What is the name of the event?
Sony Grammies (Gary Reeves )

Why are rabbis not required to have driver's licences
They have their own shofars. (Stan Kegel)

The briny predators grew tired of their fishy diet and decided to take
up cheese making to add variety. Using whale milk, they started
operations near the great abyss. However their waste product soon
caused pollution that led the neighborhood denizens to complain about
theテ「ツャツヲ What?
Great White Whey (Norm Stevenson)

Recently a new religious cult has sprung up in the state of Washington
What might their gospel be called?
The Spokane Word (Lars Hanson)

A naval architect was concentrating in the midst of some stability
calculations involving the tonnage of a heavy object and the product of
its perpendicular distance from an axis. A colleague interrupted him by
asking a question. How did the naval architect reply?
Weight a moment (James Ertner )

Minerva Alonzo made her living directing sightseers through her town,
but when they heard the name of her business, it led some people to
think she was in the business of selling figurines. What was her
business name?
Minnie A. Tours (Cynthia MacGregor)

Even through it precedes it on the calendar, after June what should be
the most common month for weddings, and why?
Marry marry month of may (Gary Hallock)

What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce Alone Without Dressing (Stan Kegel)

A deep-sea diving operation found the lost continent of Atlantis
somewhere around 22,000 feet below sea level. Everything was remarkably
well-preserved. Scientists were baffled until one of the team with
substantial architectural- antiquities experienced noted all the
ornamentation along the rooflines of the buildings. What was his
explanation?
A Deep Frieze (Bob Dvorak)

What sort of instrument would be used to measure the age of a blackbird?
A Crow-nometer (Gary Hallock)

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled.
Itテ「ツャツワs the difference of a pinion (Stan Kegel)

In feudal times there was an enlightened landowner who was so
concerned about treating his bondsmen right that he had the form an
advisory group to give him input on how to deal with them fairly.
Historians refer to this group as the w
auntie disestablishmentarian (Norm Stevenson)

What is the motto of the Colorado ski resort that was converted into a
rehabilitation center for paronomastic addicts?
Use a pun. Go to Vale (Stan Kegel)

10-4






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arizona humor How to impress a woman




How to impress a woman


Compliment her,

Respect her,

Honor her,

Cuddle her,

Kiss her,

Caress her,

Lover her,

Stroke her,

Tease her,

Comfort her,

Protect her,

Hug her,

Spend money on her,

Wine and dine her,

Buy things for her,

Listen to her,

Care for her,

Stand by her,

Support her,

Hold her,

Go to the ends of the Earth for her.



How to impress a man

Show up naked

Bring food.








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arizona humor A Most Creative Defense



A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.




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arizona humor Another Oldie but Goodie: Old and Rich



An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking
space when a young man
in his new red Mercedes went around her and
parked inthe space she was
waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that
she went up to the man
and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart aleck and he said,
"That's what you can do when
you're young and quick."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so
she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and
plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked,
"What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's
what you can do when you're old and rich!"

**********************************************************************



JoannasJokes
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10.03.2004

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arizona humor Referral, anyone?



A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of
a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the
important doctor.

"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor Behold!



A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary
school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your
last point. Often this will help you remember what should
come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was
blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still
nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that
he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the
front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the
way. You told me three times you were coming!"


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor Humerus Puns Of The Weak 10-01-04



WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 10-01-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

A full transcript of Thursday's presidential debate between President
George W. Bush and Democratic nominee John Kerry was released today
(Wednesday, sparking criticism that the debate has been overly
choreographed by the committee representing the two major parties.
(Andy Borowitz)

Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq. Today John
Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. You know what this means? The
war in Vietnam may finally be over ladies and gentleman. (Jay Leno)

Compassionate Conservatism Circa 1967: Transplanting the heart of a
dying man into another man is against God and against mankind. It must
be banned.
Compassionate Conservatism Circa 2004: Using stem-cells from already
aborted embryos to cure disease is against God and against mankind. It
must be banned. (Stan Kegel)

What an election choice: A flip-flopper, or a flop. (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)

A large number of soldiers being reactivated for duty in Iraq have not
yet reported to their bases, prompting the Army to threaten some with
punishment for desertion. Reservists who report a month late will be
fined, those who delay for 3 months will face prison, and soldiers who
don't report for a year or more will get the Republican nomination for
president. (Jake Novak)

Kerry: "George Bush lives in a fantasy land!" Bush: "Oh, please. You're
the lifelong Red Sox fan." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans
Times-Picayune)

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said today that it was unfair to
compare the upcoming Iraqi elections to those held in America, "except
for Florida." (Jon Stewart)

And G-d said to Jeb: "Count all the votes and I will lift the plague of
hurricanes." (Bonnie D. Graham)

Rumors are already circulating about the formation of a third party to
run in the 2008 elections, a party that could unify all Americans. The
proposed candidates are John Moore and Jeb Bush. Their slogan would be,
"Everyone wants Moore Bush" (Stan Kegel)

Aide to Bush: "Our best intelligence reports say the situation is
deteriorating! More explosions and flare-ups expected! This calls for
our usual rapid response!" Bush standing on rim of volcano: "Mount
Saint Helens is safer than ever!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer)

All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each
candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And
Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race
comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the
dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend
to be more like the other guy. (Jay Leno)

Republicans are calling George W. Bush the greatest American President
of the 21st century. Democrats counter that Bush was the worst
President of the 20th Century. But that's only because most of them are
too young to remember Calvin Coolidge. (Stan Kegel)

Capital steps laughs at supporters of both candidates.
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerrybush-medley.mp3
Also listen to the Edwards-Cheney debate:

or go to http://www.capsteps.com for the songs of the past 5 weeks

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

"The trouble with you Democrats is that all you guys do is Bash Bush.
'Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction' 'Bush lied about a link
between Iraq and Al-Qaeda' 'Bush let Osama get away.' You can't run on
that stuff. You need more than that." "Why?" (Ted Rall, The Washington
Post)

"Hello, I'm Dan Rather and t away whistling. (Non Sequitur: Wiley)

Today George Bush and John Kerry are coming to Pigville in search of
Candorville's one remaining swing vote. The swing voter is a nearly
extinct species of man who's so open-minded and deliberate that he
hasn't yet decided which candidate deserves his vote, even after months
of debate. I wonder who this last noble voter is.. Hippy-like teen
being interviewed, "Check it, fool. The one dude looks like Herman
Munster and I like the Munstrs. But the other dude is straight up
gangsta which appeals to me" (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

"I can't believe Dan rather won't admit those memos about the
President's National Guard service are obvious fakes. I mean, you used
to be able to trust TV news. Walter Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley. And
nowテ「ツャツヲ look who I'm talking to, a guy who gets all his news from Comedy
Central" "Jon Stewart hasn't lied to me yet." (Prickly City: Scott
Stantis)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES

John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has
a bad cold, you can barely understand what he's saying, so it looks
like it should be a fair fight. In fact his voice is so bad, doctors
have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each
issue for awhile. (Jay Leno)

They've scheduled the presidential debates. It'll be John Kerry and
George Bush. There's going to be three debates. And there's going to be
categories. Each debate will have a separate category. First category
is domestic policy. Second category is foreign policy. The third
category will be girl groups from the '60s. (David Letterman)

Many political experts are complaining that the strict rules for the
Presidential debates will provide few surprises. But organizers insist
there's nothing in the rules that will stop President Bush from
uttering a coherent sentence and John Kerry from sticking to one
position for more than 30 minutes. (Jake Novak)

The new rule for the debate this year: candidates can't touch each
other. ... This is the result of a last series of debates where Al Gore
tried to get George Bush to dirty dance. (David Letterman)
CBS News said Sunday Dan Rather will anchor the presidential debates
despite rumors of the anchor's imminent firing. People who thought Dan
Rather would be with CBS forever forgot the first rule of show
business. Only penguins mate for life. (Argus Hamilton)

There are some rules in the debates. The candidates for example must
stand at least ten feet apart. They must not address each other
directly. It's the same rules in the John Kerry and Teresa Heinz
pre-nup agreement. (David Letterman)

Coral Gables will host the first presidential debate between President
Bush and John Kerry Thursday. They picked Florida for a good reason. At
this point Floridians are like a Bob Hope audience in a war zone, they
will laugh at anything. (Argus Hamilton)

The first debate between President Bush and John Kerry will be held on
the campus of the football powerhouse, the University of Miami.
Organizers chose the site because like a Miami football game, it's
really a better idea to watch the debate after you spend about 3 hours
getting drunk. (Jake Novak)

The first presidential debate is Thursday. The final weeks of a
campaign are always hectic. Candidates only have a few more
opportunities for last minute name calling. (Alan Ray)

John Kerry asked Wednesday that the debate room temperature be below
seventy degrees because he sweats. Image is everything. Politicians
look a lot better in debates ever since Max Factor invented a new
television makeup called Instant Honest. (Argus Hamilton)

Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry
ta that
people won't see how much shorter he is. Also on the height issue, the
Bush people want a podium small enough that he doesnテ「ツャツ"t appear short,
but still big enough that Dick Cheney can hide inside it. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried
about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the
mistake of worrying about the issues. (David Letterman)

The first presidential debate is Thursday in Miami. John Kerry is not
happy with the format. One minute responses for questions donテ「ツャツ"t give
him a lot of time to detail both of his answers. (Alan Ray)

Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind
of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody. (Jay Leno)

Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off
message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these
debates. He got one of those 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes. (Jay Leno)

Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't
talk like a regular average Joe and he said, "Au contraire!" (Jay Leno)

Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the
good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on "CSI: Miami" as
a guest cadaver. (David Letterman)

During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that
the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons
could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is
the President believes that terrorist network is CBS. (Jake Novak)

In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about
Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all
in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always
hates it when people steal his best ideas. (Jake Novak)

A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night
found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought
President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald
Trump didn't fire anybody. (Jake Novak)

Two men fishing, one reading a paper: "Did you watch the debate?" "Far
as I'm concerned, debate is something you put in the water." (Mike
Lester, Rome, News-Tribune)

IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES AND THE WEATHER

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another
catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The
path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly
unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage
to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are
naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens
to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush. (Firesong)

When asked about the recent weather in Florida, one resident said he
was blown away. (Leonard Stevens)

Monterey County in California was hit by a huge earthquake Tuesday.
Florida cleaned up after its fourth hurricane while a volcano
threatened to erupt near Seattle. John Kerry said it proves that
President Bush is losing the war on weather. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA reported that a three-mile-wide asteroid came within a million
miles of striking Earth Wednesday. It was large enough to cause global
devastation if it hit the planet. Without even being told, Florida
residents boarded up their ceilings. (Argus Hamilton)

Cheney: "If Kerry is elected, there will be more hurricanes. (John
Deering, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette)

IN THE NEWS * THE MILITARY

Thirty percent of former US soldiers----the Individual Ready
Reserve----who have b W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian Institute
American Indian Museum. President Bush said he was proud of the history
of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country
to liberate them and bring them democracy. (Jay Leno)

A conservative Republican group has launched a series of TV ads which
accuse John Kerry of being an "elitist." Of course, for President Bush,
anyone who can correctly pronounce the word "elitist" is an elitist.
(Patrick M. Rhody)

President Bush ripped John Kerry for sending mixed signals to the enemy
and our allies and U.S. troops. Indecisiveness has its virtues. No one
was more decisive than George Armstrong Custer and the last thing that
went through his mind was an arrow. (Argus Hamilton)

Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track
than American say our country is on the right track. Boy, thereテ「ツャツ"s a
campaign slogan for you -- "America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!"
(Bill Maher)

President Bush says that he has no regrets about standing on the deck
of an aircraft carrier last year with a sign behind him declaring
"Mission Accomplished." But that's only because he's still really proud
that he was able to spell it right. (Jake Novak)

President Bush said that he has no plans to read a new book trashing
him, by Kitty Kelley. When reporters asked him why he wasn't going to
read it, he said, "Because it's a book.'" (Jay Leno)

TV: "Mistakes were made. I'm sorry." Viewer: "Hah! Dan Rather! Can't
believe a word he says. See ya!" TV: "Saddam has WMDs. The economy is
strong, Social Security is safe and we're winning the peace." Viewer:
"At least Bush is honest with me." (Bruce Plante, The Chattanooga Times
Free Press)

Reporter in the middle of a hurricane storm, "Continued clear and
sunny" Caption: If George W. Bush had been a weatherman. (Walt
Handelsman, Newsday)

George W. Bush refused to take Al-Quada seriously before 9/11. He
failed to get Osama dead or alive. He diverted resources from the war
on Al-Quada to Iraq. Only Bush can protect us! Caption: "Mission
Accomplashed" (Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Bush shooting off six-guns in all directions wildly. Mother, small
child in hand, says, "I' m voting for him because he makes me feel
safe." (Daryl Cagle, Slate)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry vowed to go after terrorists Thursday and defeat them his
way. He does things just so. If John Kerry is president, he will have
two buttons on his phone inside the nuclear briefcase, one for the
butler and one for the night butler. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry told Temple University Friday he will wage war in Iraq
differently. It's called personal diplomacy. Due to his superior people
skills and sensitivity he will be better able to get allies to send
their soldiers into the wrong war at the wrong time. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry hired a bunch of former Clinton advisers. Don't kid
yourself, these guys are good. They're the ones who got him elected
twice to president. So now, they're working for Kerry. The first thing
they did, honest to God, they got Kerry a chubby girlfriend. (David
letterman)

Forbes magazine came out with their list of the 400 richest Americans
... And this year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as
John Kerry calls that, his little black book. (Jay Leno)

John Kerry says if he's elected president, he will go to the U.N. and
persuade the other nations to help fight the war on terror. We can't
get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don't you start with that?
(Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

Bill Clinton waved to
Novak)

So far, Hurricane Ivan has hit Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North
Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and
Texas. Next up, the storm will face it's most formidable opponent to
date: "Jeopardy!" champion Ken Jennings. (Elliott Schiff)

IN THE NEWS * THE LAW AND THE COURTS

I hear that Martha Stewart is going to be assigned to drive the John
Deere on the prison farm. Which means she will be running a federal con
tractor. (Norm Stevenson)

Martha Stewart is calling the Bureau of Prisons' decision to send her
to a camp in West Virginia, "a disappointment,' since she wanted to be
closer to members of her family and her attorneys. However, the
decision is being hailed as a "victory" by members of her family and
her attorneys. (Jake Novak)

Defense lawyer Lynne Stewart says she gets perks for representing
Islamic extremists, including getting free food from Arab vendors on
the streets of New York. On the other hand, the men and women
prosecuting Islamic extremists say they face many added dangers... like
getting free food from Arab vendors on the streets of New York. (Jake
Novak)

Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the courtroom
when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't understand the
justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time he'll agree to listen to
a few of the songs the judge wrote. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnnie Cochran was taken to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday by a
disgruntled client who claims the defense attorney is unfit to
practice. That's ridiculous. Johnnie Cochran is such a great lawyer
that he even had O.J. convinced he didn't do it. (Argus Hamilton)

Have you heard about this - Martha Stewart has been ordered to report
to Alderson Federal Prison West Virginia by October 8th. What does that
mean "by" October 8th? Why would you go sooner? Do a lot of criminals
like to get to prison a few days early? So they understand, so it?s not
all rush, rush, rush the first day. Get your curtains up, paint the
room, do that kind of thing. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

President Bush is leading John Kerry in an unscientific poll by a chili
company in Nashville. They sold twenty-four hundred cans of
Conservative Republican Texas Chili Beans and only twenty- two hundred
cans of Liberal Democrat Boston Baked Beans. We have got a lot of nerve
accusing Saddam Hussein of gassing his own people. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because
he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the
Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush. (Jay
Leno)

Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS $550 grand this week.
Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on
President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have
learned their lesson, no more trying to expose boobs. (Bill Maher)

IN THE NEWS * THE ELECTION

Donald Rumsfeld said they are going to have elections even if only
three quarters of the country votes. He said life isn't perfect. He
said sometime when you have elections, you have to exclude parts of the
country. You know, like we did with the blacks in Florida. (Bill Maher)

John Kerry said that you can't have fair and free elections in a place
where there's no rule of law. President Bush said, "Oh yeah, what if
your brother's governor of that state?" (Jay Leno)

What do you call elections where a large percentage of people do not
vote?
The American way (Michael Ramirez, The Los Angeles Times)

Since the American people don't elect the president anyway, why not
elimi prisoners to
use as currency will be jugs of Vaseline. (Jake Novak)

After an earthquake in central California failed to cause any serious
damage, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called the 5.9 trembler "a
girlie quake." (Andy Borowitz)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is banning the force-feeding
of ducks to make the gourmet dish foie gras. But he will allow farmers
to use other methods to make the ducks larger, including bringing them
to Gold's Gym for a complete workout every morning. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Welcome to the show. I have a warning for everyone before we start. CBS
can not vouch for the authenticity of these jokes. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM

The former singer Cat Stevens, now known by his Islamic name Yusuf
Islam, was questioned by the FBI after his plane to Washington was
diverted because his name was on a government terror list. You know
it's bad enough our two candidates for president are stuck in the 70s.
Apparently so is airport security. (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he's very excited about Cat Stevens. He says that
we are winning the war on singer/song writers. (David Letterman)

Tom Ridge said today that Stevens was on the no-fly list because recent
intelligence indicates he likes Hamas. Cat Stevens shook his head.
"That's hummus." (Tom Burka)

Three years after the Sept. 11 attacks, more than 120,000 hours of
potentially valuable terrorism-related recordings have not yet been
translated by linguists at the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and
computer problems may have led the bureau to systematically erase some
Qaeda recordings, according to a declassified summary of a Justice
Department investigation that was released on Monday. Today the FBI
revealed today it had accidentally erased possibly important tapes of
intercepted al Qaeda communications because they had been stored on the
Agency's TIVO digital video recorder. "The tapes were erased to make
room for a very special episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond,'" said a
spokesman. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

Britney Spears is coming out with her own line of perfume. She
guarantees the scent will last for at least 55 hours, long enough to go
from wedding to annulment without having to re-apply. (Patrick M.
Rhody)

General Electric formerly located it's customer service call center
in-house and onshore. Then the firm moved it offshore to India to cut
it's cost but kept it technically in-house. Now GE has decided to keep
the call center offshore but sell it off so it is no longer in-house.
GE is calling this latest move "out-housing," since their service in
recent years has admittedly gone in the crapper. (John Marien)

Reebok is voluntarily recalling 140,000 of it's Allen Iverson toddler
shoes because of a potential choking hazard, the Consumer Product
Safety Commission said Monday. The company had previously recalled
it's Latrell Sprewell model for the same exact reason. (David Parrish)

Wall Street reeled when crude oil hit fifty dollars a barrel on Monday.
It's a sneaky plot. Democrats think if they can get the price up to
sixty dollars by October, Bush and Cheney will concede the election and
go back into the oil business. (Argus Hamilton)

There's a new $50 bill out to help stop counterfeiting. They made some
changes to Ulysses Grant. There's now a red and blue background,
glowing threads, and ink that changes from copper to green. Sounds like
someone got a queer makeover. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

For the first time ever an organized baseball game was played in Iraq.
I'm glad there wasn't a chair throwing incident like the one that
happe Allawi thanked
President Bush for liberating his country from Saddam Hussein, then
Allawi said, 'Oh please don't make me go back there." (Conan O'Brien)

Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans
are about ours? I don't think that helps you. (Jon Stewart, after
President Bush touted a poll showing that the right track/wrong track
in Iraq was better than in America)

The U.S. has sent several lawyers to Iraq to help prosecute Saddam
Hussein for war crimes. It's going to cost $75 million, which seems
like a lot, considering Judge Judy has already said she'd do it for a
million bucks, plus expenses. (Patrick M. Rhody)

Allawi holding document titled "Traqi Democracy" Rumford: "Well, so be
it! So you have an election that's not quite perfect." Bush smiling:
"That's what you have a Supreme Court for!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte
Observer)

.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey with only one question: "Would
you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a total failure.
Africans didn't know what "food" meant. Eastern Europeans didn't know
what "honest" meant. Western Europeans didn't know what "shortage"
meant. The Chinese didn't know what "opinion" meant. Middle Easterners
didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what
"please" meant. And the Americans didn't know what "the rest of the
world" meant! (Dil Say)

I realize now that is is no more dangerous here (Jerusalem) than it is
to be in New York" (Madonna)

A man in Helsinki is selling his services as a "rent-a-husband" for
$25 an hour, to do chores around the house, but he insists he is not
selling sexual services... that's being taken care of by a separate
business called, "rent-a-pool boy." (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

Well it is now officially fall - it's hard to believe it's officially
fall. That's what I miss back east - the fall colors. See it's so
different out here in Los Angeles. See out here when we have bright
orange, yellow, and reds, it just means all the trees are on fire. (Jay
Leno)

The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center said Tuesday men who drink a glass of
wine a day are less likely to get prostate cancer. However, they didn't
bother testing the effects of wine on women. There has already been
centuries of research on that. (Argus Hamilton)

Swiss scientists have discovered what they believe is Europe's biggest
fungus. Actually, American scientists found it 250 years ago and named
it "France." (Jake Novak)

According to scientific research, dogs have the ability to smell cancer
in people. That means if a dog is sniffing you, it either likes you or
you're going to die. (Jay Leno)

U. S. Government to Big Tobacco companies: "We're slapping you with a
$280.000.000.000 lawsuit for 50 years of deceiving the public about the
ravages of smoking. And I almost forgot, here's this month's tobacco
subsidy check. (Stuart Carlson, Milwaukee Sentinel)

British entrepreneur Richard Branson plans to launch the worldテ「ツャツ"s first
passenger service into outer space in the year 2007. Fly into outer
space. Isnテ「ツャツ"t that unbelievable? They say the flight will be available
to everyone except Cat Stevens. (Jay Leno)

Pfizer appealed the Chinese government's decision to ignore its Viagra
patent. The erection drug has a huge market in China, where many exotic
substances are used to maintain virility. Don't ask what Bill Clinton's
discarded artery fetched on eBay in Canton. (Argus Hamilton)

Merck Pharmaceuticals joined the fight against obesity Tuesday and
announced it's developing a nasal spray dr retirement, left CBS Sports last
week to play cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. He's trying to
improve his skills as a football analyst. Three more concussions and he
will be as good as Terry Bradshaw. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to
Washington D.C. It's bad news for Rickey Henderson. Every time the
budget bill comes up there will be four hundred thirty- five
congressmen competing for the all-time steal record. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to
Washington D.C. this week. The sport will be an odd fit in the nation's
capital. The difference between baseball and politics is if you get
caught stealing in baseball, you're out. (Argus Hamilton)

Thousands rallied in New York yesterday in support of building a new
stadium for the Jets on Manhattan's West Side. Bringing Jets fans to
Manhattan would be a boon to restaurants, bars and every pharmacy that
sells anti-depressants on Sundays. (Jake Novak)

According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have
closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in
Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's
going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids
the men are taking now. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

The new thriller, "The Forgotten," topped the box office this weekend.
The film is about a mysterious power that tries to convince people that
the horrible things that have happened never occurred... kind of like
what they're doing at the Bush campaign. (Jake Novak)

Congratulations to our good friend Billy Joel, received a star on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame on Monday. Quite an accomplishment. This is the
first time that Billy's been up on the sidewalk without his car. (Jay
Leno)

Barbra Streisand is in final negotiations to star as Ben Stiller's mom
in the sequel to Meet the Parents. Before she agrees, she wants to make
sure the script meets her approval. To do that, it will have to contain
the phrase, "President Bush is the devil," at least three times.
(Patrick M. Rhody)

UPN has ordered model Tyra Banks to cut out part of this week's episode
of her show, America's Next Top Model, because it showed an orgy with
the contestants and several men. As a professional courtesy, Banks is
going to provide an uncut copy of the show to Bill Clinton. (Patrick M.
Rhody)

Woody Allen was reported in New York Friday to be shopping his
autobiography to publishers around town. In the book he freely admits
to a chauvinist view of relationships. He wears the pants in the
family, especially after the court order. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the world entertainment news network, Justin Timberlake
had planned to marry Cameron Diaz this Christmas, but called it off
because his mom thinks he's too young to marry. I don't know. You think
he's too young to marry? You know how you can tell if you're too young
to get married? If your mom won't let you! (Jay Leno)

In his new autobiography, Bob Dylan admits he's often "hated and
feared" the people who come to his home and follow him around on tour.
But you won't need to buy his book for proof that Dylan dislikes his
fans; for that you just have to listen to his last 3 albums. (Jake
Novak)

Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the courtroom
when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't understand the
justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time he'll agree to listen to
a few of the songs the judge wrote. (Argus Hamilton)

The new TV season has begun. Several shows will have audiences
guessing. テ「ツャツSWonder whatテ「ツャツ"s new out at Bl (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

"I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry, And I'm going to
be blunt and plain: if one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to
kill him and tell God he died." (Jimmy Swaggart)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

The new president of MIT says America is forced to import most of our
science and math experts from abroad, posing a serious challenge to
U.S. high schools. Top educators are responding by promising to teach
all American students how to say "nerd" in at least 3 foreign
languages. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

http://www.georgewbush.org/spots/media/rock.mov



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arizona humor Fence sitters



"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'"

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about."

-- Andy Rooney

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 10-02-04



GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-02-04

THE GROANERS

Crouching behind the pyramid of cantaloupes, a bottle of vodka in one
hand and a glass of tomato juice in the other, I spied my prey,
lounging languidly between the green peppers and carrots. I can only
hope the produce department lackeys at this supermarket haven't yet
instituted rules against celery stalking. (Brad Simanek)

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son." replied the
bellboy. "How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy... "I brought you up, didn't I?" (Douglas
Helsel)

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in
movies?" "I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up
in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
(Reader's Digest)

Did you hear about the two bartenders arguing over how much foam to put
on top of a pint of bitter? Yeah, they were at lagerheads over the
issue. The argument about when a champagne bucket was appropriate
pailed in comparison. (Jason Dias)

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, . . "You're just having an auto-body
experience."

The doorbell rang this morning... When I opened the door, there was my
mother-in-law on the front step. She said, "Can I stay here for a few
days?" I said, "Sure you can." and shut the door in her face. (Ted
Wilson)

A friend of mine works in a busy office where a computer going down
causes quite an inconvenience. Recently, one of the computers not only
crashed, it made a sound like a heart monitor. 'This computer has
flat-lined!' a co-worker called with mock horror. 'Does anyone here
know mouse-to-mouse?' (Syman Hirsch)

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The
salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He
exclaims, "15 inches! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for
a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims,
"Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HELLooooooo...
I've got windows.!" (Buffy Lee)

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her,
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least five pounds." When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20
pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?" The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you
mean?" asks the doctor. "No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".
(Joan DeGrave)

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel
where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's
sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. We have over 300 guests at at
this facility, "she said. "does this 'Gym' have a last name?" (Daily
Groaner)

This of course, reminded me of a wonderful trip I took when I was in
college to the deepest darkest reigons of the do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around
here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!" (Douglas
Helsel)

A man is standing on the highway, bumper to bumper, nothing moving,
when suddenly a man is tapping his window. He rolls the window down and
asks " What's up? Can I help you?" The other guy answers "President
Bush has been kidnapped by fanatic Muslims! They demand ten million
dollars, or they'll douse him with gas and set him on fire. So we're
kinda passing the bucket and collecting." "Well, I'll be glad to help.
How much are people giving?" "About a gallon each." (Able2Know)

A pedestrian is hit by a bus on a busy street. "Somebody get me a
priest," the man gasps." Out of the crowd steps an elderly man. Darth
Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father-
and-son chats, lightsabers drawn and sparks flying! Vader pinned Luke
against a bulkhead and glared into his face -- "I know what you're
getting for your birthday, Luke," he said Luke fought himself free and
jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you
know!?" Luke yelled at him. "How do you know what I'm getting for my
birthday!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare and said, "I felt your
presents." (Clean Laughs)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a
third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about
the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor
family in the area. One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time
there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The
children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The
personal trainer was poor. The gardners were poor. ... This was a very
poor family!

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate
appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling
near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I
told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his dog,
the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the
vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have
any children?" "Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No,"
the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum." (Kahan Ho)

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He
awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey
and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. When he
returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this
town on Sunday." "There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the
bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday." (Jokes and
File)

As a youth, I totally missed the boat to Puberty Island. It sailed away
with all my classmates, leaving me standing on the dock. When it
returned, down the gangplank came tromping all these young adults
between six and eight feet tall, sporting muscles and beards and bosoms
(sometimes all three). Whereas I was still this little hairless dweeb
with a voice in the Pinocchio range.It was a difficult time for me, but
one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that
girls were not interested only in looks -- that the qualities that
really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was
long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I have never
forgotten: Moms lie when they have to. The truth is that women are
definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will
never hear a woman say: ''I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on
and tell some jokes!'' (Dave Barry)

your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at
her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." (Katrina
Black)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him saw the
large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, with her eyes
gleaming lustfully. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh,"
said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once!" (Luke Davis)

A pedestrian is hit by a bus on a busy street. "Somebody get me a
priest," the man gasps." Out of the crowd steps an elderly man. "I'm
not a priest," he says, "I'm not even a Catholic. But for 50 years I've
lived behind St. Agnes church, and every night I overheard their
services. Maybe I can be of some comfort." The man kneels down next to
the victim and says in a solemn voice, "B-14, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72."
(Tony Thoennes)

A depressed drunk decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a
tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and
spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and
she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose
around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that,"
replied the drunk, "but I couldn't breath." (Bill Karpus)

A Doctor and his blonde wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The Doctor husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in
bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he
was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. The phone rings
many times before she answers. Irritated he asks, "What took you so
long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this
late, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion," she says. (Wacky
Jokes)

At the pub, a little blonde guy exchanged words with a big bald guy,
and it looked like they were about to go to blows. "You've got a lot of
nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy. "Look, you big jerk,"
barked the little blonde guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything!
I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no
parachute from a balloon. My grand- father jumped without a 'chute from
a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow,
*I* jump from a rocket!" "You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big
guy. "You could get killed!" "So what?" said the little blonde guy. "I
have no family!" (Curt Dawson)

Aaron was playing a round of golf with Sidney when suddenly, Aaron
announces, "I want a divorce." "Why on earth do you want to do that?"
says Sidney. Why do you want to divorce your lovely Esther? She's
beautiful. And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a
great figure to got with it." "Look at it this way Sidney," replies
Aaron, as he removes one of his shoes. "Just look at this shoe. The
leather seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape
is very modern. Don't you agree?" "Yes," replies Sidney, "but I don't
understand what you're getting at." "Well," says Aaron, "I'm the only
one who knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly."
(Jokes 'n' Stuff)


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arizona humor Texas turbulence



On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the
plane.

Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time ......no one
moves ..... he removes his shirt ..... muscles ripple across his chest
......she gasps ......he then whispers in her ear:


"Here, iron this, and get me a beer!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor Shoulds and Oughts



There was a small town nestled in a valley that was
powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the
valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once
they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people
or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all
safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing
downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream
50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream
and then back upstream, and it kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so
strangely. After they pondered this for a while, a young
boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high
water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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arizona humor Some vacation!



A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older
lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at
the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected
couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on
your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I
am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and
I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They,
as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their
way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she
said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

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Famous Quotes Casserole Recipes Halloween Recipes Recipe

Christmas Funny Jokes Famous Quotes