Funny Jokes

10.08.2004

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10.07.2004

arizona humor TENNESSEE Gal woncha come out tonight!




Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Georgia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them Tennessee girls.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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10.06.2004

arizona humor LITTLE JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN





Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN


> A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started

> her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

>

> After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you

> think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

>

> No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her

> face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself

beautiful,"

> said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

>

> "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned tha! ! t his

students

> might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas

> season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood

that

> the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So

he

> asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

>

> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

>

> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

>

> Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!

> He's in our bathroom!!!"

>

> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a

> response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long

seconds.

>

> Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

>

> Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on

the

> bathroom! ! door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in

class.

> She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

>

> Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

>

> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

including

> human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed

> especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of

> Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as

though

> he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny

> responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a

wife."

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

>

> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local

police

> station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10

> most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

asked

> if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the

policeman.

> "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

>

> Little Johnny asked, "W />If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
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arizona humor Two Wal-Mart Greeters





Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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arizona humor Kids say...



A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce
the outcome of a political election.

"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.

My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in
disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on
national television!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 10-06-04



SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-06-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Academy Awards: Idol entertainment (Waugh, Silbert & Leff)

Soft Spot: The precise point where safety caps must be pressed to open
a bottle. Instinctively found easily by toddlers but usually too small
to be found by seniors. (Stan Kegel)

Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen
Litterst)

Geometry teacher: An instructor who definitely knows all of the angles.
(Anna Kostick)

Pantyhose: A sheer illusion of gauze and effect (Stan Kegel)

Crossdressing: Disguise the limit (John S. Crosbie)

Mail carrier: A person whose goal it is to be letter perfect. (Anna
Kostick)

Et al: - To have consumed everything (Gary Hallock)

Peanut: A crazy urologist (Louis Raffen)

Pen Pal: A cellmate (Tom Doyle)

Tears: Remorse code (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Baseball: A busines$ that can't thrive without strikes (Art. Moger)

Copyright : Ensuring that you donテ「ツャツ"t misspell the stuff youテ「ツャツ"re stealing!
(Gunjan Seraf)

Stem-Cell: Where insects lay their eggs to hide them from other
insects. (Stan Kegel)

Dance teacher: A job that allows you to really put your foot down.
(Anna Kostick)

Prison: The place you'd go only in a pinch (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Masseuse: A cramp counselor (Stan Kegel)

Nostalgia buff: Someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense

Sir Lancelot In A Plane: A fly-by knight (Sandy Sibert)

Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Head Case: Motorcycle helmet (Sandy Sibert)

Modem : What landscapers did to dem lawns (Gunjan Seraf)

Warden: A man who makes his living by his pen (Art. Moger)

Flatulent: Did he clean up the FLATULENT him when he left? (Stan Kegel)

Tantamount: The Lone Ranger's mount was Silver but what was the
TANTAMOUNT? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Doctor: The captain let his first mate DOCTOR for the first time. (Stan
Kegel)

Alpine: My boyfriend left me and ALPINE for him for a long time.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Catalog: Whenever the animal shelter received a new feline, it was
checked in by entering it's name on the CATALOG. (Bradley Williams)

Forbid: Prepare a proposal for the contract that is being put out
FORBID. (Stan Kegel)

Monumental: Love? Trust? Good times? MONUMENTAL those things to me and
more! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Carpenter: A housepainter charges by the room and a CARPENTER by the
vehicle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Acquaint: I found ACQUAINT Bed and Breakfast near the beach. (Stan
Kegel)

Reticent: I wouldn't give one RETICENT for your opinion. (Bob Dvorak)

Damage: Engineers built much DAMAGE on the Columbia River (Bob Dvorak)

POETRY

A weightlifter loved himself best
"why must I, at my bench, see me less?"
Hung a mirror above
"I can watch my true love"
He's invented the vanity press!
(Clynch Varnadore)

The birds that sing in the morning
Sometimes raise an awful to-do
Perhaps it's because they're in mourning
Since their bills are all over dew.
(John S. Crosbie)

The director, he sighed in relief
No Omar was there to cause grief
His film, you should know, man
Was set in Times Roman
And was to be shot, Sans Sherif!
(Clynch Varnadore)

To meet, I propounded a motion,
Some pals, I might find on the ocean.
So on a cruise, winter's,
I met up with printers,
The liner type with the same notion.
( Bob Dvorak)

Guns are unlawful; Nooses all give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
(Dorothy Parke said Tom callously. (Bob Dvorak)

"You don't see the point, do you?" asked Tom, making a stab in the
dark. (Think.com)

"I just lit the firecrackers," said Pop loudly. (Simon Champion)

"My oar is broken," said Tom robustly. (Think.com)

"It's time to turn the pancakes!", Tom said flippantly. (Simon Champion)

"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)

"I want to go over to the other side of the road, but I'm too chicken,"
said Tom crossly. (Simon Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box (Douglas Helsel)

"Cleanliness is next to Godlessness..." (Juel Goldstock)

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir. (Richard Lederer)

Stay stewed for the nudes (Pun American Newsletter)

Tomorrow's lecture will be "Recycling -- Our Garbage is a Resource."
There will be a potluck supper at 6 p.m. (Richard Lederer)

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental. (Richard Lederer)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Richard Lederer)

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented. (Richard Lederer)

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There
Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Six Months For Teen Who Stabbed Girl With Ex-Boyfriend (Western Mail,
North West Wales)

Bumper Sticker: Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Sign at a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the
same spot." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Foot soldiers-Lots of chances to advance. (Anna Kostick)

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Laser Pointer: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. (Carin
Lamberson)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included $100 (Douglas Helsel)

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer.
(Douglas Helsel)

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree (Richard Lederer)

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Diner needs waitress for busy lunch hour rush-Applicant must be
counterproductive. (Anna Kostick)

Sign in a bowling alley: Sign up for our cash prize tournament and win
some pin money.

Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim (Richard Lederer)

Label Warning:Good Neighbor Pharmacy Ferrous Sulfate: CONTAINS IRON.
(Syman Hirsch)

Sign in a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
(Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Tailors needed to make western rawhide jackets-Job includes
lots of fringe benefits. (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

A Vision of Optometrists (Haust Javeri)

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arizona humor Religious Humor ...



While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnnn. . . and into the hole you goooo."


~~~~~

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said "To make the gravy!"



~~~~~

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand and shouted out,
"Thou shall not take the covers off they neighbor's wife."

~~~~~

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."


~~~~~

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

~~~~~
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10.05.2004

arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 10-05-04



KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-05-04

HALLOWEEN PUNS

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Why donテ「ツャツ"t vampires play poker?
The stakes are too high (Cassie, 9)

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
The cook was beating the eggs.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

Four ghosts were playing poker when there was a knock at the door.
"Whooo is it?" they asked. "Rigor Mortis. May I set in?" (John S.
Crosbie)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of pray! (Joanna)

What did the horse say when it fell?
"I've fallen and I can't giddyup!" (Bobby, 10)

What did the baby corn say to his mama?
I want my pop-corn (Jane, 7)

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it didn't peel to well (Viviana, 10)

Why are owls invited to so many parties?
Because they are a hoot to have around. (Daily Groaner)

What did the mommy train say to the baby train during dinner?
Chew-chew! (Isabelle, 9)

Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Holy smokes! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing! (Kaitlyn, 11)

Why did the little moron shoot the alarm clock?
Because he felt like killing time. (Bill Edwards)

What did one battery say to the other?
"I got the power!" (Drew, 7)

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the "Dark Ages"?
Because they had so many knights (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play! (Joanna)

What's the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant. (Douglas
Helsel)

How do you get a cut-price parrot?
Plant bird seed! (Joanna)

Why are young boys like flannel?
Because they shrink from washing (Stan Kegel)

Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom. (Bill Edwards)

What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
Claw enforcement. (Beckie Shiles)

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie! (Joanna)

Who won the Kentucky Derby, types 180 words per minute, and can carry
10 times her own weight?
Secretary Ant! (Daily Groaner)

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry (Adrianna, 10)

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate! (Lee Hogan)

What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
Jail-birds! (Joanna)

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings. (Douglas Helsel)

What animals would you expect to pray?
The praying mantis, the church mouse, the holy see anemone and the
papal tiger (Michael Bass)

When was beef the highest it has ever hanging." "Hanging? Who are
they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of
a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He
wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and
brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they
hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.

Lots of people thought Barbara was spoiled, but it was just the perfume
she was wearing... (Anne Kostick)

"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the
last forty years!"(Moses's Mother)

To kill a circus in one blow you need to go for the juggler (Pun of the
Day)

The organizational get together for a company football team is called a
kickoff meeting. (Mike Bull)

When business improved, the florist faced a rosy future. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

A taxi cab company sign: Our goal is to drive away all of our customers.

This guy opened a school for horseback riding, but soon business fell
off? (Anne Kostick)

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products,
because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend
to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda
enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones. I cheddar
to think what they'll come out with next. (Ken Kramer)

Did you hear about the unique platypus?
He was unlike all the otters. (Arca Max)

Sign on a submarine: When we fight, we're not ashamed to take a dive!

Our company manufactures doors and we stand behind them. (Pun of the
Day)

Have you heard of the downfall of the bungee suppliers? (Joan DeGrave)

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The
tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll
die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and
asked, "How many times? (LAB Laughs)

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave. (Tony Thoennes)

Little Miss Mufffet was a girl who really knew how to make her whey in
the world. (Stan Kegel)

Checkers was invented starting at square one. (Pun of the Day)

A travel agency sign: We mean it when we say we want you to go away.

A bed is where people who are run down wind up. (Cheli)

When Crazy Glue was invented lots of people became attached to it (Tony
Thoennes)

To golf at your favorite course may require a long drive. You need to
wear your golfer's socks. The pair with a hole in one. (Mike Bull)

A diaper factory sign: Let us pamper your newborn baby.

The musicians didn't use the rickety platform because it was a banned
stand. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Kennedy Dime: "So, what's your money making scheme today, Arcade?"
Arcade token: "I'll be flipping at a celebrity tennis match. Ellen will
be participating in the fund raiser, so we can seeテ「ツャツヲ DeGeneres do a
fault." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)

If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Lincoln penny: "Arcade, I had you locked up." Arcade token: "Somebody
opened the safe." "So what were you bothering Cris (Columbus) about?"
"He's an old sailor, old salt, old tar. I was just giving him some
tips. Just trying to be generous to a salt." (Money Talks: Owen
Lorion)

At least egotists don't go around talking about other people.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Arcade Token: "Have you seen these Dance Revolution arcade games?"
Lincoln penny: "Dances today are too wild! Our dances were more
stately, dignified, and took some practice!" "I do believe you're being
generous to a waltz." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)

Why shouldn't spee such good-bying power. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Girl selling "Spirital Advice" for ten cents, "The only way to be in
touch with the universe is to be in touch with yourself." Boy, "I
thought Father Duffy said that was a sin." (Soup to Nutz: Rick
Stromoski)

Confirmed bachelors go through life without a hitch. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Now there is a better way to earn your degree.
Capella University is an online university that is revolutionizing what you expect from adult education. We offer richly rewarding programs that deliver measurable resultsテ「ツツ廃ersonally and professionally.
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arizona humor Sad but probably true!



A woman called the dean of the college where her freshman
son was going.

"I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with.
He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, " Then he can hang out with the faculty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sad, but probably true! : (


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/





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arizona humor IDIOTS of 2004






I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she

caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the

ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into

the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to

mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill

the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency

room right away.





IDIOT! Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.





Number Two Idiot of 2004





Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a

life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of

the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,

they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out

that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that

activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.






Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.





Number Three Idiot of 2004





A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of

America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your

muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the

teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might

call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank

of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few

minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it

and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light

in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because

it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either

have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a

few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.





Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.





Number Four Idiot of 2004





A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of

the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the

robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused

and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was,

but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and

gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was

in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from

the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the

name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested

the robber two hours later.





This guy definitely needs a sign!





Idiot Number Five of 2004





A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolver demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register

without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they

weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.





Sign please.





Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote, (and breed).
Yikes!


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arizona humor How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way





How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the

water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that

come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and

rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no

people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and

run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog



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HGTV Show ソスCurb Appealソス Features SLIDE-LOK Garage Storage Cabinets on Home

HGTV Show 窶廚urb Appeal窶

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10.04.2004

arizona humor Health Shorts










Health food is something you nag your spouse to death to eat.

It may be true that men would live longer if they avoided drink,
smoke, and women. But we'll never know until someone tries it.

Americans are getting fitter. Quite a while ago it took two adults to
carry fifty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a child can do it.

A low-cholesterol diet is the key to heartening of the arteries.

A bed is where people who are run down wind up.

Smokers are people who puff on cigarettes, cigars, and steps.






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arizona humor Puns of the Weak 10-04-04



PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-04-04

THE ONE-LINERS

The baker's bread recipe won the contest because it rose to the
occasion. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

In every conversation I make a casual remark about my glasses. It is an
optical allusion. (SGT Snorkel)

Masseurs are people who knead people! (Norm Gilbert)

Members of an Eastern religion pay for their sins by beating themselves
with small, triangular flags. It is their way of doing pennants. (SGT
Snorkel)

Ivan the Terrible wasn't totally bad. He was just mid-evil. ("pun"jab)

My company sent a check down to the marina to cover the rent for my
boat slip. They paid my dock. (Gary Hallock)

When you get old you can always avoid boredom by taking a trip to
Egypt. That's really a senile experience. (John S. Crosbie)

What did the law professor face when his students protested?
A class action (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Black holes suck.(Owen K. Lorian)

The eye doctor wanted to re-locate but couldn't find a job because he
didn't have enough contacts. (Mike Bull)

"There's a new diet where you don't eat any carbohydrates." "What's
carbohydrates?" "No bread. No cereal. No rice. No potatoes. No chips,
crackers or pretzels at all!" "That would drive me starch-craving mad"
(Gard Webster)

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. (Tony Thoennes)

To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Owen K. Lorian)

Most people don't know that the disciples liked eating thin, cooked
cereal for breakfast. It was the Holy Gruel. (SGT Snorkel)

An applicant for a driver's license came to the question: "How many
feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?" He answered: "Two
feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake." He got his license. (Joan
DeGrave)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Owen K. Lorian)

I think we should outlaw toenail fungus, because if toenail fungus is
outlawed, only outlaws will have toenail fungus. (Fanny Bright)

My favorite sport is boxing. But then, I guess that's no surprise,
coming from a guy who works for UPS. (Larry Hollister)

In days of yore, there was a king who was a terrible tempered despot.
His disposition was partly the result of a severe case of hemorrhoids.
Historians refer to him as tyrannic soreass rex. (Gunjan Saraf)

The banker hired the seer because he need a teller. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

Pun' backwards is nup. And a nup is a nup is a nup. (Mike Bull)

My boss's secretary needed the day off to see the physician, but she
didn't have insurance, so he doctor pay. (Jason Dias)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

QUOTES

If you smoke your cigarettes shorter, you will smoke them longer.
(Henny Youngman)

The clock struck midnight, and I realized that Oktoberfest was now upon
us. I expected the wurst. (Joseph Harris)

Sirius, the dog star, is drawing closer to earth at a rate of nine
miles a second. Someday we could be in Sirius trouble (John S. Crosbie)

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron
deficiencies. (Pun of the Day)

The Parson said, "Mr. Gibbs, we haven't seen you in a long time.
remember?" (Bob Dvorak)

The Chinese Nationalists are normally a temperate group. However, they
have been known to Taiwan on from time to time. ("pun"jab)

The gift o
a number and nobody answers (Humor Express)

We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find
out why no work is getting done (Gil Ross).

It takes a village to lose the battle and win the war. (Stephen Kramer)

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. (Gail S. Angel)

A little knowledge is the mother of invention. (Stephen Kramer)

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me. (Hunter S. Thompson)

If at first you don't succeed, weep, and you weep alone.(Stephen
Kramer)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. (Anonymous)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

A group of students is being taught and/or coached in a gymnasium. Each
student is issued a set of clothing designed to allow him to freely
move, stretch, jump, etc. What would you call this outfit that makes it
sound like it was designed by a lawyer?
a "Class Action Suit" (Bob Dvorak)

Most stadiums and events have been renamed by sponsors. A well known
manufacturer is going to be the sole sponsor of a music award show and
has added their name to the event. It now sounds like it should be a
medical test. What is the name of the event?
Sony Grammies (Gary Reeves )

Why are rabbis not required to have driver's licences
They have their own shofars. (Stan Kegel)

The briny predators grew tired of their fishy diet and decided to take
up cheese making to add variety. Using whale milk, they started
operations near the great abyss. However their waste product soon
caused pollution that led the neighborhood denizens to complain about
theテ「ツャツヲ What?
Great White Whey (Norm Stevenson)

Recently a new religious cult has sprung up in the state of Washington
What might their gospel be called?
The Spokane Word (Lars Hanson)

A naval architect was concentrating in the midst of some stability
calculations involving the tonnage of a heavy object and the product of
its perpendicular distance from an axis. A colleague interrupted him by
asking a question. How did the naval architect reply?
Weight a moment (James Ertner )

Minerva Alonzo made her living directing sightseers through her town,
but when they heard the name of her business, it led some people to
think she was in the business of selling figurines. What was her
business name?
Minnie A. Tours (Cynthia MacGregor)

Even through it precedes it on the calendar, after June what should be
the most common month for weddings, and why?
Marry marry month of may (Gary Hallock)

What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce Alone Without Dressing (Stan Kegel)

A deep-sea diving operation found the lost continent of Atlantis
somewhere around 22,000 feet below sea level. Everything was remarkably
well-preserved. Scientists were baffled until one of the team with
substantial architectural- antiquities experienced noted all the
ornamentation along the rooflines of the buildings. What was his
explanation?
A Deep Frieze (Bob Dvorak)

What sort of instrument would be used to measure the age of a blackbird?
A Crow-nometer (Gary Hallock)

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled.
Itテ「ツャツワs the difference of a pinion (Stan Kegel)

In feudal times there was an enlightened landowner who was so
concerned about treating his bondsmen right that he had the form an
advisory group to give him input on how to deal with them fairly.
Historians refer to this group as the w
auntie disestablishmentarian (Norm Stevenson)

What is the motto of the Colorado ski resort that was converted into a
rehabilitation center for paronomastic addicts?
Use a pun. Go to Vale (Stan Kegel)

10-4






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arizona humor How to impress a woman




How to impress a woman


Compliment her,

Respect her,

Honor her,

Cuddle her,

Kiss her,

Caress her,

Lover her,

Stroke her,

Tease her,

Comfort her,

Protect her,

Hug her,

Spend money on her,

Wine and dine her,

Buy things for her,

Listen to her,

Care for her,

Stand by her,

Support her,

Hold her,

Go to the ends of the Earth for her.



How to impress a man

Show up naked

Bring food.








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arizona humor A Most Creative Defense



A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.




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arizona humor Another Oldie but Goodie: Old and Rich



An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking
space when a young man
in his new red Mercedes went around her and
parked inthe space she was
waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that
she went up to the man
and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart aleck and he said,
"That's what you can do when
you're young and quick."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so
she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and
plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked,
"What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's
what you can do when you're old and rich!"

**********************************************************************



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arizona humor Referral, anyone?



A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of
a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the
important doctor.

"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






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Life Story Writing
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If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
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