Funny Jokes

10.16.2004

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Italian Divorce Court That's Amore

Italian Divorce Court That's Amore


Italian Divorce Court


Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.




Angelina says, "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickn a his nose





ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I justa canna taka dis anymore."



The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?

What have you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true.

I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.

Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.





I always follow ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:"

Number one -you always keepa your nose clean.

Ana number two - never screw up.

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10.15.2004

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Phoenix Arizona: Christmas cards - Phoenix AZ

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10.14.2004

arizona humor Doctor...doctor...



During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was
told never to recommend one of our doctors over another,
but simply state who had available appointments. One day a
woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a
nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows
which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think
I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to
sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I
can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the exit!


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/






Christmas Music
Christmas Music

Phoenix Arizona

Science Fairs





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10.13.2004

arizona humor escort service



When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some
minor
repairs, I paid £75 by check as usual.

A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite
upset.

She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so
angry.

She had noticed the cancelled cheque and, on the memo line I had
written
"Escort Service."







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http://www.science-fairs.com/





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arizona humor Two-fer the Price of One

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking and the one blonde says to the other,
"What do you think is farther Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Hellooooooooo,
can you SEE Florida?"

Bonus Joke:
A man went to the store with his 3 year-old
daughter in tow. Since he was just there to
grab some essentials like milk and bread, he
opted to save some time by not pushing a
cart around the store. "That's not the way
Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too,"
he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart,
he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter,
and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to
set anything down on the wet ground, he set the
jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked
open the car door with his now free hand,
scooted the groceries in and daughter into the
car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in
himself. "That's not the way Mommy does it,"
his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things,"
the father replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK,
too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he
became aware of the scraping sound on the roof
as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop,
bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to
the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every
direction. In the millisecond he took to process his
mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in
a most serious voice said,

"That's NOT the way Mommy does it."


*******************************************************************

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arizona humor Chocolate Jokes



If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.
*******************************************************************


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arizona humor Really blonde



Can you hear me now? Good!!


This has to be one of the best blonde jokes I've heard..... This will >>make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/





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Joint Venture

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10.12.2004

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN TEMPE ARIZONA

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arizona humor More blonde than Baltimore!



The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels,
and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the
scene.

As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and
moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions
stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send a blind policeman!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/





chicken recipes





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arizona humor Sins






An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking, eligible men are at a premium.
After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different women."
The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face."



Phoenix Arizona

Science Fairs


High Tech





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arizona humor late for work A/C







While she was "flying" down the road (15 miles over the limit), a woman
passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic zg! t; patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and! park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






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arizona humor Nurses...



Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job,
so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have
no trouble finding a new position because of the nursing
shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential
employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks
later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had
not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer
that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone
else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I
do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna
recipe."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/





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arizona humor Touche



Touche'

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!)



Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/



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10.11.2004

Low Carb Recipes - Low Carbohydrate Recipes

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10.10.2004

arizona humor Little Boys



Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a
vaccination. After the shot,
the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to
cover the spot on his arm.
Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.

"But, I put it over where you got the shot to let
others know that it's tender and they shouldn't
touch it," replied the Doc.

Answered Johnny, "You really don't know much
about little boys, do you?"




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arizona humor Time Off



Time Off

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of
vacation time already.

I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little
crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the
ceiling.

Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came
in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My coworker started following me and the Boss asked her where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark!" she said.


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arizona humor How to know if you are ready for kids



How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood


MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands
in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly
for the last time.

CAR TEST: Forget the Miata and buy the mini van. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player.
Take a family size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

CRAFT TEST: Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified
for a place on the play group committee.

TELEVISION TEST: Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and
Friends', 'Sesame Street', and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself
singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as
well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run
riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the
answers.




lose inches now

AZhttp

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arizona humor Too, blonde!



Two blonds living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking and the one
blond says to the other. "What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?
"
The other blond turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo.... can you see Florida?"
*******************************************

A blond with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had
happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone
rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally
picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

The Jerk called back.



Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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arizona humor Talk About Cheap.... 09/28



Talk About Cheap....

Fred was well known for his cheapness and his
'eye for a bargain'. One
day he was looking for a cheap wedding present
for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.

As he was walking around, he noticed what was
previously an expensive
glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in
3 pieces. After some
haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken
vase for $5. He then
filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his
niece's name and
address and gave the owner another $5 so that the
broken vase could be
gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop
feeling quite pleased
with himself. He expected his niece to think the
vase had broken in the
mail.

A few days later, he called his niece to see if
the present had arrived.

"Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately, it was in 3
pieces when it was delivered."

"What terrible luck." said Fred, "The Post Office
is getting worse all the time."

"It's a shame," she replied. "It was so
beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately."



*******************************************************************


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arizona humor What do you take for that?



A man and a woman are sitting beside each other
in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes
her nose, and shudders
quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure
why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She
takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in
her seat. The man becomes more and more curious
about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet
again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose
and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He
turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've
sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue
and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are
you sending me signals, or, are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you.
I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have
an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but
even more curious says, "I've never heard of that
before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."


*******************************************************************





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arizona humor Parenting : )





** If it was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

** Shouting to make your children obey is like using the
horn to steer your car, and you get about the same
results.

** The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy
them while they are still on your side.

** Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to
your children.

** The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a
loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

** Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and
board newlyweds.

** The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when
all the children are finally in bed.

** Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

** Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a
middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

** Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy
to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of
grandchildren.

** There are three ways to get something done: Do it
yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children
to do it.

** Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up
their parents.

** Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like
trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

** Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I
was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager
now thinks I am.

** There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and his mother's age.

** Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking
questions because they know all the answers.

** An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who
don't have small children.



Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Troubled with? http://www.troubledwith.com
NEW! SPIRITUAL RETREAT- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/



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CONGRATULATION!!!






FROM:THE DESK OF THE MANAGING DIRECTOR
INTERNATIONAL/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
REF:PL2/209318/09
BATCH:18/103/HME.
Attn:Dear Sir/Madam
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the
Lottery Winners International programs held on the
23/3/2004. Your e-mail address attached to ticket
number 653164251591-6011 with serial number
7321410,batch number 7151085135,lottery ref number
6376527711 and drew lucky numbers 4-9-17-36-44-78
which consequently won in the 1st category, you have
therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of
US$1.500,000.00 (One Million, Five Hundred Thousand
United States dollars)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that
you keep your winning information confidential until
your claims has been processed and your money Remitted
to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid
double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program
by some participants. All participants were selected
through a computer ballot system drawn from over
40,000 company and 20,000,000 individual email
addresses and names from all over the world. This
promotional program takes place every year. This
lottery was promoted and sponsored by
Association of software producers. we hope with part
of your winning,you will take part in our next year
US$20 million international lottery. To file for your
claim, please contact our paying officer:
Contact Person:Mr.Paul Zimmerman
TEL:+31 680 780 273
Email:ftfs_24@fastermail.com
Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than
25th of NOVEMBER 2004. After this date all unclaimed
funds will be included in the next stake. Please note
in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications
please remember to quote your reference number and
batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address do
inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff
and thank you for being part of our promotional
program.
Note:
Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically
disqualified.
yours Sincerely,
Mrs.Queensley Rhoda,
For Management.


___________________________________________________________________________
http://pikkolo.rulz.hu

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