WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 10-08-14
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
. Al Gore had a column in the paper yesterday, called "How to debate
George Bush." I tell you it was right next to Dan Rather's column, "How
to spot forged documents." (Jay Leno)
Now that San Francisco's "3Com Park" is now "Monster Park"
concessionaires are serving a giant hot dog and large beer special and
calling it, "Monster Frank 'n Stein". (Gary Palmer)
Book titled "The Search for WMD in Iraq" by G. W. Bush sits between two
bookends of nuclear bomb clouds labeled "North Korea" and "Iran".
Caption: The New Presidential Library. (Tom Toles, The Washington Post)
Soldier in battle: "The President says we'll only be here 6 months⬦ No
wait, we'll be here 'as long as it takes' We're going to take Fallujah
by force⬦ No wait, we're handing it over to Saddam's General. We trust
the advise of Ahmed Chalabi⬦ No wait, we just had him arrested. The
pentagon sees no need for more troops⬦ No wait, Now they do. They say
we don't need U. N. Support⬦ No wait, Now we do. The administration
says Iraqis will greet us as 'liberators'⬦ No wait, 'Duck'." Caption:
Mixed Signals on the War in Iraq. (Jim Moran, The Miami Herald)
Fox News today justified it's decision to totally avoid Supreme Court
Justice Antonin Scalia statement that, "Sexual orgies eliminate sexual
tensions and ought to be encouraged," because it was not felt to be
newsworthy. To be newsworthy, a network executive continued, "The
statement would have had to have been made by a Democrat." This
decision was based on the long standing policy of Fox News to be "Fair
and Balanced". (Stan Kegel)
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches,
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for His cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest
me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and His deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and
assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of His
administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
(Frank Kaiser)
"Don't forget Poland" (George W. Bush)
Supreme Court Justices entering the court. Scalia: "OK. To save time
with this large docket, I propose we determine the outcome of the
Presidential election first thing. (Pat Oliphant, The Washington Post)
Some Bush supporters say they believe the President should win the
Nobel Peace Prize this year for ridding the world of Saddam Hussein.
But experts say Bush's conduct during and after the war has a much
better chance of winning the Nobel Prize for Fiction. (Jake Novak)
The Supreme Court today by a 5 to 4 vote reaffirmed their decision four
years ago to make George W. Bush the President and reverse the clear
decision of the American voters. Chief Justice Scalia commented, "It
should be clear to all Americans how sensitive Mr. Bush is and how
brokenhearted he would have been if he lost. If the situation arises
again in November, you can be assured we will not let this great man be
traumatized." (Stan Kegel)
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
Rumsfeld: "Let's say you have an election in only three-fourths or
four-fifths of the country but some places you couldn't hold the
election, for whatever reason. So be it. Nothing's perfect in life. So
you have an election that's not quite perfect? That's better than not
having an elec
job!" R: "So to clarify, taking 'full
responsibility' means⬦" B: "Taking credit. What is this? Vocab gotcha?"
(Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
Recruiter speaking to a class of children: "Today's volunteer army is
the model of diversity" "What's diversity?" "That's when you have a
variety of people in one place, like in the armed forces, we have poor
Latinos, poor whites, poor blacks, poor Asians and even poor women!" (L
Cucaracha: Lalo Alcaraz)
"So these computer experts demonstrated how a trained chimp could hack
the software that tabulates electronic voting. Makes you wonder if we
shouldn't just stick with something simple and reviewable like paper
ballots. Then again, having some monkey elected President might be
kinda funny." "We could do worse." (Foxtrot: Bill Amend)
"Well, it looks like Martha Stewart is actually going to jail. Finally,
it'll be safe to walk the streets at night." (Boondocks: Aaron
McGruder)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES
62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one
viewer for every time President Bush said mixed message. (Bill Maher)
The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss.
Well, of course he did. His wife owns all the coins. (Jay Leno)
Bush didn't have a good night. I don't think he's choked that much
since the last time he had a pretzel. (Jay Leno)
The Democrats think Kerry won and the Republicans all think Bush won.
Well, the swing voters, they were all watching porno. (Jay Leno)
A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your
position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on
Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions. (Jay Leno)
Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in
trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who
looks confused. (David Letterman)
I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious
and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes.
(Bill Maher)
Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you
know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat
Stevens. (David Letterman)
That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the
next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it. (David Letterman)
President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last
Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls
indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was
because he couldn't get his buzzer to work. (Tina Fey)
The only reason many believe Kerry won the debate, is because about
two-thirds of the way in, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.
(Tina Fey)
Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to
rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one
position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it. (Amy Pohler)
During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that
the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons
could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is
the President believes that terrorist network is CBS. (Jake Novak)
In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about
Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all
in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always
hates it when people steal his best ideas. (Jake Novak)
A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night
found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought
President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald
Trump di
pacemakers every six months. (Jake Novak)
How many watched the presidential debate last night? It was hard - do
you want the rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a red tie or the
rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a blue tie? We have such
chooses in our country." (Jay Leno)
Did you see the first debate between George W. Bush and John "W."
Kerry down there in Florida tonight? It was exciting television. I
watched it on the big screen at Hooters.(Dave Letterman)
Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans (Boston Globe) Bush
expected to pack heat for next debate (Humor Gazette)
John Edwards and Dick Cheney are preparing for tomorrow's night debate
by fine-tuning their best skills. Edwards is working on some of the
speaking techniques he used when he was a trial lawyer, and Dick Cheney
is working on having Edwards killed. (Jake Novak)
I saw it on the cover of Newsweek, and ABC, CNN, they all said that
John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn't
give him a swelled head. (Jay Leno)
Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They
said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry
speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of
those at the same time. (Jay Leno)
Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked
distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That
is Bush's game. (Jay Leno)
People are saying that George Bush didn't do well. In fact, Kerry even
picked up the support of one of the Bush twins. (David Letterman)
Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone
home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil. (David Letterman)
I guess this debate will be different, the vice presidential debate.
Both candidates will be seated at the table. John Edwards wanted a
conference table and Dick Cheney of course wanted an operating table.
(Jay Leno)
The networks broadcasting this Friday's second debate between Sen. John
Kerry and President George W. Bush requested today that they be allowed
to air commercials during the pauses in Mr. Bush's answers. (Andy
Borowitz)
The good news is that no matter who wins the election, Americans can
rest easy. That's because during last night's debate, both Dick Cheney
and John Edwards showed they can definitely put most of America to
sleep. (Jake Novak)
After watching last night's impressive performance on TV, President
Bush is changing his strategy for Friday night's debate... he's going
to ask Minnesota Twins pitcher Johan Santana to go up against John
Kerry instead. (Jake Novak)
The most amazing part of the debate was when Dick Cheney told John
Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, '"John I am your father." (Jay Leno)
Here's my question, if Cheney is debating tonight who's running the
country? (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney did well -- he only flat-lined twice. (David Letterman)
There was one awkward moment ... when moderator Gwen Ifill ... was hit
on by Dick Cheney's daughter. (David Letterman)
Speaking of Cheney in a recent interview, an author who's writing a
book about Cheney says that Dick Cheney is misunderstood and is not a
monster. Then the author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn't say that,
he would eat my children. (Conan O'Brien)
Dick Cheney and John Edwards held a vice presidential debate at Case
Western Reserve University in Cleveland Tuesday. Viewers watched in
morbid fascination. Not even Siegfried and Roy would stand onstage
between a trial lawyer and an oilman. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA
Fox newscasters announcing Behind them a huge banner "Vote Bush"
Newsc
Antonin Scalia stated, "Sexual
orgies eliminate sexual tensions and ought to be encouraged." So all
those times you thought he and Vice President Chaney were just duck
hunting, I don't think so. (Jay Leno)
You must be a Republican if you are opposed to lifetime unions of two
homosexuals but believe that that extramarital bisexuality is a moral
and acceptable behavior because sexual orgies eliminate sexual tensions
and need to be encouraged. (Stan Kegel)
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve
tension and should be encouraged. Apparently, Justice Scalia got into
group sex in 2000, after he and a group of four other justices got
together and f----d Al Gore. (Bill Maher)
A furious Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says he was quoted out
of context during a discussion on the legality of group sex, and in now
way condones orgies. In a related story, a furious Supreme Court
Justice Clarence Thomas wants to make it clear that tonight's orgy is
still on for tonight at his house. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY
In campaign news, Mr. Bush ridiculed Mr. Kerry's statement that the
U.S. must pass "a global test" before using military force, adding, "I
have never passed a test in my life and I'm not going to start now.
(Andy Borowitz)
President Bush's hometown newspaper in Crawford, Texas, has endorsed
John Kerry. Well President Bush doesn't know about it, cause it was in
his newspaper. (Jay Leno)
George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among
the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of
oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was
talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for
Head Start. (Bill Maher)
President Bush is attacking John Kerry for saying the U.S. shouldn't
start a war until the reasons for fighting pass a "global test." Bush
is ridiculing Kerry for putting the security of America in the hands of
all the other countries on Earth and not even bothering to consult the
Klingons, the Romulans, and the Vulcans. (Jake Novak)
While speaking in Iowa, President Bush criticized John Kerry saying,
"The policies of my opponent are dangerous for world peace." Of course
what the President meant to say was that John Kerry's policies are
dangerous because they might bring world peace. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS
Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry
always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences.
Like when he said "I do." (Jay Leno)
John Kerry kept his debate answers short and crisp Thursday to the
amazement of staff and supporters. That three-minute clock with the red
and yellow lights really seemed to help him. Teresa just had one
installed on the bathroom mirror. (Argus Hamilton)
Teresa Heinz Kerry attended fundraisers in Southern California
Wednesday and did a little networking the next day in Beverly Hills. It
didn't go the way she wanted. Three agents told her they could maybe
get her a walk-on role as a maid. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Times issued a glowing account of John Kerry's physical
fitness Sunday. In addition to windsurfing, bicycling and
weightlifting, he was a karate black belt as a young man. The first
time he ever saluted he nearly killed himself. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry talked about stem cell research in New Hampshire Monday
alongside a stage full of seriously ill people. It didn't have the
intended effect. They took one look at John Kerry and thought that the
Grim Reaper had come for them. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
Th
NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN
Posters: "Liberals To Ban Bibles" "John Kerry Is Actually Bigfoot"
"Undesided Voters Abducted By Alien Democrats" Osama Is Hiding In John
Kerry's Chin" "Beelzebub To Be First Kerry-Appointed Supreme Court
Justice" "Teresa Is A Man!" Viewer says, "The GOP is going all out in
the swing states!" (Roy Rivenberg)
It seems both George W. Bush and John Kerry turned down an offer to
hold a debate before the largest congregation of Catholics in the
country. Neither candidate wanted to be known as a Mass Debater. (Brad
Williams)
Democrats said Sunday they believe that President Bush is planning an
October Surprise. Imagine the jump in the polls if he produced Osama
bin Laden in handcuffs. To offset that, the Democrats would have to
produce Bill Clinton in handcuffs. (Argus Hamilton)
John Edwards continues to say that Dick Cheney is "not being straight
with the American people." Cheney responded by angrily denying that and
reminding everyone that his daughter is the one who isn't straight.
(Jake Novak)
President Bush continues to attack John Kerry for saying the U.S.
should pass a "global test" before we attack another country. The
President says he has nothing against diplomacy, but he's just never
done very well on tests. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
According to the latest polls George Bush and John Kerry are dead even.
Kerry is dead and Bush wants to get even. (Jay Leno)
Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today
he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a
president? (Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad: David Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * THE ENVIRONMENT AND THE WEATHER
Charley, Frances, maybe Ivan. Seems like these Hurricanes are God's
warning to Florida, in the tradition of Rev. Jerry Falwell or Pat
Robertson or whoever saying that the attacks on the twin towers was
"God's Judgment for America's declining moral values" warning Florida,
" You'd Better Not Screw Up The Elections Like You Did In The Year
2000!" (Marty Dee)
Mount St. Helens began spewing ash along with steam Tuesday, giving
geologists hope of seeing a huge eruption. You won't see the same
mistake they made twenty-four years ago. This time the volcano's agent
got it an endorsement deal with Cialis. (Argus Hamilton)
After Mount St. Helens released a cloud of steam, the U.S. Geological
Survey issued a statement saying an eruption is imminent. Not
surprisingly, President Bush tried to connect it to al-Qaida.(Kris
Bernard)
Geologists are now reducing the warning levels at Mount Saint Helens.
Experts say that after wresting several days worth of news coverage
away from the hurricanes, the volcano now feels more appreciated and
has made its point. (Jake Novak)
Geologists are now reducing the warning levels at Mount Saint Helens.
But they warn that the volcano may follow the lead set by the
Department of Homeland Security, and suddenly threaten to erupt again
if President Bush's poll numbers continue to drop. (Jake Novak)
Hey, you been following this Mount St. Helens thing? Is that scary or
what? If pressure builds up in the volcano too fast, it can cause an
earthquake, followed by an explosion with brushfires, smoke and ashes
everywhere combined with a massive traffic jam from people trying to
flee. So it'd be like a year in L.A. all in one day. (Jay Leno)
Mount St. Helens Scientists Predict 70% Chance Of Bush Eruption In Next
Debate Experts See Increased Magma Activity, Gas Emissions. (Tom Burka)
There has been a new development at the active volcano atop Mount St.
Helens. Geologists who have managed to reach the edge of the crater
have heard what soun
(Mike Luckovich, Atlanta
Journal-Constitution)
IN THE NEWS * THE COURTS &THE LAW
I hear that Martha Stewart is going to be assigned to drive the John
Deere on the prison farm. Which means she will be running a federal con
tractor. (Joseph Harris )
Martha Stewart will begin her prison sentence in a week. While in
prison she will be told when to get up, when to work and what to eat.
In other words it will be like working for Martha Stewart. (Conan
O'Brien)
Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow (Boston Globe)
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04 (Humor
Gazette)
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley said Sunday he favors easing city marijuana
laws so offenders can just get tickets. Right on schedule. The week
after the annual Cubs collapse is when the demand for pain medication
overwhelms local law enforcement. (Argus Hamilton)
As I'm sure you know, Martha Stewart has been ordered to serve her
prison time in West Virginia. And for the first time, she'll actually
be able to meet the women who buy her stuff at K-Mart. (Jay Leno)
Martha Stewart reports to prison this week. She is trying to look on
the positive side. Stripes will make her look thinner. (Alan Ray)
Martha Stewart is entering prison on Friday. She's already getting into
that prison mindset. Earlier today at a gourmet market, she tried to
pay for her groceries with cigarettes. (David Letterman)
Martha Stewart reports to prison in West Virginia. She plans to offer
fellow inmates homemaking tips. Cotton bed sheets make the sturdiest
rope. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE STATES
A judge in Louisiana threw out a state constitutional amendment banning
gay marriage this week. The judge said it would be ridiculous for the
state to ban gay marriage before it stops people from marrying their
siblings. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION
Cheney and Bush riding horses across a river at the edge of a huge
waterfall. Cheney holds sign saying, "Don't change horses in the middle
of de-Nile." (Jeff Danziger, The New York Times)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
Headlines: Backroom dealing a Capitol trend (Boston Globe) Key votes
can sell for up to $14 million (Humor Gazette)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY
Wall Street fell Thursday on news of Nigerian rebels threatening to
halt the flow of oil. Crude advanced past fifty dollars per barrel. It
made everybody wistful for the good old days when crude advances meant
that Hillary was out of town. (Argus Hamilton)
Merck pharmaceuticals recalled its arthritis drug Vioxx Thursday after
it was found by the FDA to increase the risk of heart attacks. The
company stock plunged on the news. The night before, Martha Stewart's
lawyer saved her another six months in prison by wrestling the cell
phone out of her hand before she could press Sell. (Argus Hamilton)
Hotel workers are on strike in San Francisco. Labor says managementâ¬"s
latest offer is an insult. A free continental breakfast. (Alan Ray)
Anheuser-Busch to offer beer with caffeine primarily to help drunk
drivers stay awake during the booking process. (Jerry Lerman)
Swiss company Holeim, Inc. will build a $600 million cement plant along
the Mississippi south of St. Louis. A company spokesman estimates the
plant will accommodate 20-25,000
mob contract hits annually. (Jerry Lerman)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
"We're in deep trouble in Iraq: (Sen. Chuck Hagel, R. Neb.)
"We're not winning in Iraq" (Sen. John McCain, R. Ariz.)
"The lack of planning is apparent." (Sen. Richard Lugar, Ind.)
"The Democrats don't have a unified message on Iraq." (President George
W. Bush, R. Texas) (Jack Ohman, The Portland Or
convenience stores are called Nine-Elevens. (Argus Hamilton)
.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
Prime Minister Tony Blair was treated for a heart ailment. Doctors
have put him on a very bland diet. Or, as they call it in Britain,
â¬Sgourmet.⬠(Alan Ray)
The U.S. State Department announced Thursday that Syria has agreed to
tighten its border with Iraq. It's in their national interest. Syria
was alarmed last spring when ten percent of its labor force didn't show
up for work on Cinco de Mayo. (Argus Hamilton)
Election officials in Afghanistan are preparing for Saturday's
election, and have to use donkeys to get ballot boxes to some of the
villages. But it's not clear if they'll need as many asses as we see in
U.S. during election season. (Jake Novak)
Headlines:Afghan warlords hunt for votes (Boston Globe)
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage (Humor Gazette)
Headlines: Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India (Boston Globe)
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys (Humor Gazette)
An Australian airport was shut down yesterday because security mistook
a vibrations of a female "adult novelty devise" for a bomb. (Reuters)
Baghdad liquor store owners were targeted for death Monday by Muslim
radicals who say selling alcohol breaks Islamic law. There have been
nightly shootings, bombings and arson. The place is so dangerous the
convenience stores are called Nine-Elevens. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
The General Accounting Office uncovered three nuclear safety managers
Monday with phony college degrees. You can't make it up. There's more
academic scrutiny in America to play college football than there is to
supervise nuclear plant safety. (Argus Hamilton)
SpaceShipOne has won the $10 million "X Prize." It's not clear what's
more impressive: the fact that it's the first privately-owned aircraft
to reach outer space twice in less than 14 days, or the fact that it's
the first American aircraft to take off and land on-time in 14 years.
(Jake Novak)
SpaceShipOne launched in the Mojave Desert Wednesday in an attempt to
win a ten million dollar prize for private rocket design. The space
ship is powered by rubber and laughing gas. Throw in a banjo and you
have the Steve Martin Starter Kit. (Argus Hamilton)
Mount St. Helens in Washington is beginning to erupt. Real estate
agents in nearby towns are trying to be positive. Pools in new
subdivisions will all be heated. (Alan Ray)
Woman pushing an Uzi into the back of a doctor says, "I'm carrying a
legal assault weapon and I need a pelvic exam." Caption: "New hope for
the 45,000,000 uninsured under the Bush Administration" (Mike Keefe,
The Denver Post)
Americans are getting fitter. A few years ago, it took two adults to
carry fifty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a young child can do
it. (Author Unknown)
One of the Mars probes has sent back historical evidence of an ocean on
the red planet. Scientists say it probably looked nothing like those on
earth. There wasn't an oil rig any where in sight. (Alan Ray)
While speaking about the merits of stem-cell research, John Kerry
warned that George Bush favors "Extreme right-wing ideology" and
special interest over science. The White House brushed off the attack,
saying it's pretty clear to the American public that President Bush has
never chosen science over anything in his whole life. (Jake Novak)
The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to two U.S. scientists for
discovering how the human nose works. They found that the nose can
recognize ten thousand different smells. So with any luck, more room in
coach will become an international human right. (Argus Hamil
California to
outer space is a local call. (Argus Hamilton)
The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to two U.S. scientists for
discovering how the human nose works. They found that the nose can
recognize ten thousand different smells. So with any luck, more room in
coach will become an international human right. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
Monster Cable on Tuesday purchased the naming rights to Candlestick
Park in San Francisco and the stadium is now Monster Park. The name
could backfire. Most people raised during the Cold War think Monster
Park was the founder of North Korea. (Argus Hamilton)
Talledega Racetrack was picketed by civil rights groups Friday. There
are no black NASCAR drivers in the race. Protest leaders are upset
because NASCAR won't recognize slow-speed freeway chases around the Los
Angeles basin as qualifying laps. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Yankees and St. Louis Cardinals are favored to meet in the
World Series. They have the two biggest fan bases in America. To get
any press coverage during this World Series, John Kerry and George Bush
would have to elope to Vermont. (Argus Hamilton)
10 New Jersey kids are being called "heroic and kind" for returning
dozens of Yankee playoff tickets they found on the street to their
rightful owners. But ten other kids from Queens are being called even
more heroic and kind for NOT returning to their owners dozens of Mets
tickets they found in the trash can. (Jake Novak)
According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have
closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in
Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's
going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids
the men are taking now. (Jake Novak)
Terry Bradshaw on NFL Sunday cracked a joke about Kentucky being a
backwards state. Who's he to talk? For years whenever Terry Bradshaw
stepped on the rubber mat going into the supermarket and the door
opened, he thought it was a coincidence. (Argus Hamilton)
The Cotton Bowl will host the brawl between the Texas Longhorns and
Oklahoma Sooners Saturday. For the students it's a lost weekend of
boozing and brawling and riots and hotel room damage. It teaches
college kids that life isn't all romance. (Argus Hamilton)
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren will reportedly wed this week. Part of
the ceremony could be very emotional for him. The minister will read
from this yearâ¬"s scorecards. (Alan Ray)
Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells told CBS' 60 Minutes he can't
explain why he stays in a job that destroys his personal life and his
sanity. It's a puzzlement. Other than the fame, power, money and women
it is the emptiest existence imaginable. (Argus Hamilton)
The Los Angeles Dodgers reached the National League playoffs Saturday
thanks to a ninth-inning homer by Steve Finley. What a day. After the
game John Kerry telephoned the locker room and congratulated them on
advancing in the America's Cup. (Argus Hamilton)
Baltimore Ravens star Jamal Lewis has agreed to a plea deal and will go
to jail after the season.. Meanwhile, dozens of NFL players are already
serving hard time during the season... but those are just the ones
playing for the Dolphins. (Jake Novak)
Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells told CBS' 60 Minutes he can't
explain why he stays in a job that destroys his personal life and his
sanity. It's a puzzlement. Other than the fame, power, money and women
it is the emptiest existence imaginable. (Argus Hamilton)
The Los Angeles Dodgers reached the National League playoffs Saturday
thanks to a ninth-inning homer by Steve Finley. What a day. After the
game John
sex is allowed only in the missionary position. (Stan Kegel)
Jim Carrey is reportedly in talks to do a sequel to the movie "Bruce
Almighty." Carrey is reportedly willing to share top billing with God,
as long as he makes more *money* than God. (Brad Osberg)
Six Flags Great Adventure is opening the world's tallest and fastest
roller coaster this spring -- a thrill ride that accelerates to 128 mph
in 3.5 seconds, rises 456 feet off the ground and takes extremely
erratic turns and twists. The ride, officially unveiled on Wednesday,
will be called "The Courtney Love Coaster." (David Parrish)
Gwyneth Paltrow says that because she's an American living abroad,
she's often forced to explain the questionable things done by the Bush
administration. But other Americans living abroad say that's still
easier than having to explain the questionable things done by Gwyneth
Paltrow. (Jake Novak)
Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 was released on DVD to video stores
nationwide Tuesday. He's famous for his negative outlook on life. When
Michael Moore was a child he moved all his stuff into the basement just
so he could be closer to hell. (Argus Hamilton)
Vancouver native Pamela Anderson became a dual Canadian-American
citizen yesterday. Anderson made the decision so she could still live
in California while her breasts continue to get free medical care in
Canada. (Jake Novak)
Paris Hilton insists she is not discriminatory despite reports that a
new tape shows her calling two Black men the "N" word. But experts are
reminding the public that just because Hilton never discriminates about
whom she sleeps with, it doesn't mean she's not a racist. (Jake Novak)
Michael Jackson may sell his share of the rights to the Beatles music
catalog to Sony Music for an estimated 500 million dollars. Mostly
because Jackson has found that most 6 year old boys these days have
never even heard of the Beatles (Jake Novak)
"The Ten Commandments," starring Val Kilmer as Moses, is being retooled
after receiving critical reviews. Problem may be the book. After being
threatened with copyright infringement by Mel Gibson, the show's
writers are having to rely on the Koran. (Jerry Lerman)
Manhattan cops say they're finding a new brand of heroin the gangs are
calling "J. Lo," after Jennifer Lopez. They call it that because like
Lopez's music, the drug hurts when it first enters your head, but then
it just leaves you numb. (Jake Novak)
Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 was released on DVD to video stores
nationwide Tuesday. He's famous for his negative outlook on life. When
Michael Moore was a child he moved all his stuff into the basement just
so he could be closer to hell. (Argus Hamilton)
Amy Fisher has written a new book called "If I Knew Then", where she
talks about the mistakes she made when she was young. Apparently,
Fisher wasn't aware attempted murder was frowned upon. (Matt Passet)
IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE
A ceremony was held at the Statue of Liberty this weekend to mark the
100th anniversary of the death of the Statue's creator, Frederic
Auguste Bartholdi. Attending the event were historians, art-lovers, and
Bush campaign supporters who heard it was a party to celebrate the
death of a Frenchman. (Jake Novak)
Tiger Woods fell to third place in world golf rankings Sunday after
slipping to second the week before. Staying on top requires hard work.
If Germany doesn't get cracking soon, America is going to take its
place as star of the History Channel. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * RELIGION
According to "USA Today", a chain of Christian health clubs have opened
up in the South. Apparently, the motto is, "What would Jesus Bench?"
(Conan
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