Funny Jokes

11.06.2004

arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 11-06-04



WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 11-06-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Tonight (Sunday), many American homes will be visited by some of the
most frightening creatures imaginable... and after the campaign workers
leave, the trick-or-treaters will be coming by. (Jake Novak)

I'm so old that I can remember when a spinster was a woman who didn't
marry, not someone who handles a political candidate. (Renee from Napa)

Election Night 2004 served up one of the biggest surprises in American
political history as CBS News declared former Vice President Al Gore
the winner shortly after 10:00 PM. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush' s re-election thanks to religious voters is actually
helping to unite the country after all. That's because with four more
years of Bush on the way, now all the liberals are praying for
salvation too. (Jake Novak)

ANNOUNCER: "Hey, Barack Obama! You've just won your senate race by a
landslide and are a new rising star for the Democrats! How do you feel?
OBAMA: "Lonely." (Jake Novak)

Democrats expressed shock that the high voter turnout favored President
Bush. The number-one reason people said in exit polls that they voted
for him was moral values. Bill Clinton made one week of campaign
appearances and cost John Kerry the election. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * WEAK'S COMIC STRIPS

Kids to parents: "Can we stay up to see who gets voted off?" (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

"The polls here have closed, Ma'am. It's too late to vote." "Oh, I
voted at six O'clock this morning. But I've changed my mind." "It's too
late for that , too." Caption: "Rose Gumbo Champion of the Undecided."
(Rose Is Rose: Brady & Wimmer)

"You've reached the register of voters. Listen to all options, To
request an absentee ballot, press one. If you ordered but haven't
received your absentee ballot, press two. If you haven't received your
absentee ballot and you're black, press three. Also press three if
you're a Muslim, college student, Jewish or in the National Guard."
"Black on phone< "Somethings fishy here." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

"Tomorrow's the election, Winston. Americans will head into the voting
booth. There, they'll cast their ballots. After that, its all up to the
attorneys." (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

Student asks teacher: "The citizens vote on the first Tuesday in
November, but when does the Supreme Court appoint the winner?"
(Bizarro: Dan Piraro)

Sign at U. S. Army Recruiting Station: "This month's special: Free
Rose-colored glasses!" (Non Sequitur: Wiley)

"Well, folks. Chase and I are just back from our local polling place
where we were assailed by gangs of blue and red litigators. I've got a
sinking feeling we'll be fighting this one through Christmas. It almost
makes one long for Richard Nixon, who decided not to contest the '60
election because he felt it would tear the country apart." "Nixon was
soft." "Well, of course he was." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"Thank goodness the election is finally over! We can all relax for at
least three years⬦ Awwwww!" Signs all over: "Jeb '08" "Hillery 2008"
(Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

IN THE NEWS * ELECTION * BEFORE

Uncle Sam opening a can labeled "Election '04" is rushed from all sides
by cats labeled lawyers. (Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Fat lady in Isolde costume labeled "Electoral College" singing
surrounded by Republican and Democratic lawyers. Caption: "It ain't
over until the fat lady sings⬦ and even then, it may not be over."
(David Horsey, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

Election day is finally here. The total media ob minority voter trying to vote, "Relax, I.m only
here to prevent voter fraud." (Drew Sheneman, The Newark Star Ledger)

After the 2000 election fiasco, all the TV networks are instituting new
rules for calling the winners in each race. For the Presidential
election, they will only call a winner until all the polls have closed
in each state. For the governor's races, they will only call a winner
when exit polls show a clear leader. And in the senate race in
Illinois, the networks are being especially nice as they promise not to
declare Barack Obama the winner until after Alan Keyes gets a chance to
cast his vote this morning. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * ELECTION * AFTER

It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a
Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this
election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that
we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the
same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching,
and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to
bring us this? (Jon Stewart)

Monday: As cities burn around the country, people furious that the
Electoral College has once again ⬠I'm sorry, I'm reading Wednesday's
headlines. (Jon Stewart)

Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme
Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes,
an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the
get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be.
Yeah, suck on that Scalia! (Rob Corddry)

If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it's probably your last
night to do those things⬦ Personally I'll be killing two birds with one
stone. (Ed Helms)

The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One:
finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places.
(Ed Helms)

No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders
agree, whatever it is, it's safe to assume he'll be ineffective. (Jon
Stewart)

In light of the poor showing of the critically important 18 to 29 year
old group at the polls yesterday, Democrats and John Kerry was calling
for America's youth to be "totally grounded." I'm not blaming them for
my loss," said Kerry. "But I am taking away their car keys. `(Tom
Burka)

A quick reminder to people in Ohio, the crooked voting machines are due
back to Florida by Friday. (David Letterman)

President Bush beat John Kerry by several million votes Tuesday.
Republicans increased their majority in the House and Senate. If it had
gone any worse for the Democrats, Martin Sheen would have been replaced
on The West Wing by Toby Keith. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush got twelve percent of the Hispanic vote in California
and thirty-two percent of the Hispanic vote in Texas. He got sixty-five
percent of the Hispanic vote in Florida. If he just keeps going east,
he will eventually be elected King of Spain. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry barely lost in Missouri Tuesday after he virtually conceded
the state to Bush three weeks ago. Bad idea. It was the biggest mistake
since Bob Dole volunteered for the Viagra test group eight years ago
thinking it would help him to achieve an election. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry supporters stood in the rain for seven hours waiting to hear
from him Tuesday. It never happened. John Kerry refused to concede
defeat but Hillary Clinton came to the microphone and thanked everybody
for getting out of her way. (Argus Hamilton)

Conservatives are very happy about the Bush victory. When Bill O'Reilly
heard about it, he said, I haven't been as excited as this since, w Lauderdale who can forget getting an extra phone call
from their grandchildren this week. (Jake Novak)

Tom Brokaw interviewed John Kerry and President Bush and got both to
pledge to govern from the middle and bring America back together. Tell
that to both coasts. The election map looks like Firestone explaining
tread separation to a jury. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry gave a concession speech earlier and said that he wanted to
hug all of his supporters. Upon hearing this Ralph Nader said he was
able to hug all of his. (Conan O'Brien)

If you're still upset, here's something practical you can do: Take that
Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker off your car and replace it with one that
says, "I support President Bush: He won't hurt embryos, only Iraqis."
Then find a blue-collar conservative and hand him a T-shirt that reads,
"I ain't got no health insurance, but thanks to President Bush, I'm
insured against gay marriage." That should make you feel better.
(Melvin Dural)

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes
10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."
(David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

Bush reading newspaper with headline, "Massive Cache of Explosives in
Ira Lost": "More embarrassment, Rummy. What are we going to do?"
Rumsfeld: :Find more excuses: (Paul Szep)

I think it's kind of ironic that even though George W. Bush received a
man-date, he is still against gay marriage. (Joel Borden)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

Bill Clinton was dispatched by the Democrats to Las Vegas on Friday as
polls showed that Nevada was within grasp. The city owes him big time.
He gave Las Vegas the slogan, What Happens Here, Stays Here, after it
utterly failed in the Oval Office. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

The Gallup Poll said Friday the presidential race is too close to call.
This could take awhile. Tomorrow, Americans must decide if they want to
spend the next four years watching recounts with Judy Woodruff or Chris
Matthews or Brit Hume. (Argus Hamilton)

A new poll shows that people who like country music songs favor
President Bush over John Kerry by 61% to 39%. But people whose lives
sound like country music songs favor John Kerry by 75% to 25%. (Jake
Novak)

A new poll shows that people who live near a Wal-Mart favor President
Bush 55% to 45%. But people who work at Wal-Mart favor John Kerry by
80% to 20%. (Jake Novak)

A new poll shows that people who live near a Starbucks coffee shop
favor John Kerry by 54% to 46%. But people who think paying $8 for a
cup of Starbucks coffee is okay favor President Bush 65% to 35%. (Jake
Novak)

According to a new Democratic poll released today, 50 percent of Vice
President Cheney's daughters are still gay. (Amy Poehler)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE STATES

Two federal judges in Ohio are barring Republican campaign workers from
showing up to challenge and harass voters at polling places. Not
because of any constitutional issues, it's just that the TV crews and
the exit pollsters already called "first dibs" on challenging and
harassing the voters. (Jake Novak)

IN THE N tribesmen in the Afghan
mountains. They call it Love Story. (Argus Hamilton)

In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden mocked President Bush for
continuing to read a children's book to pre-schoolers for several
minutes after he learned of the September 11th attacks. That criticism
is prompting Mr. Bush to say he's more determined to catch bin Laden,
and it's prompting Michael Moore to say he's going to sue bin Laden for
stealing his ideas! (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some
people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to
influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work.
Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme
Court does. (Bill Maher)

Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that
neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need,
another undecided voter. (Bill Maher)

In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden insisted that the fate of
America was not in the hands of either President Bush or John Kerry.
So, even he knows this election is getting decided in the courts! (Jake
Novak)

Osama bin Laden surfaced in a new videotape Friday. He promises any
follower who kills an American will be greeted in paradise by
seventy-two virgins. One day in the distant future, the virgin waiting
for Osama bin Laden will be Janet Reno. (Argus Hamilton)

He really goes after the Bush crowd personally. He ridicules Bush for
reading 'My Pet Goat' during the attack, he compares the Bush family
dynasty to nepotistic Arab dictators, and then to really twist the
knife he just drops in out of nowhere that Dick Cheney's daughter is a
lesbo. (Bill Maher)

On the eve of Tuesday's election, a new videotape of Osama bin Laden
was aired on Al Jazeera. Bin Laden addresses the American people
directly in a way that can only be described as more optimistic than
Dick Cheney. (Tina Fey)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISTS

Despite some fears, there were no terrorist attacks at any voting
centers. Experts say the terrorists may have scouted out some polling
places, but were probably scared off by all the lawyers. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions,
and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So
to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House
responds: "Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance." (Stephen Colbert)

This has been a rough week for President Bush. First those explosives
went missing in Iraq. And then bin Laden resurfaces, and now Bush can't
get the radio in his back to stop playing Ashlee Simpson. (Bill Maher)

Everybody wants to know where those missing explosives are. President
Bush says John Kerry is denigrating the troops by asking where the
explosives are. I don't want to say Bush is slimy, but after he talks
to Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly takes a shower and just showers. (Bill
Maher)

.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

News just announced Arafat is very ill and that his wife lives in
France. If you looked like Arafat I bet your wife would live in France
also. (Gary Gorlick, MD)

After meeting with his wife, Suha, witnesses say Yasser Arafat still
seemed confused and incoherent. But experts say Arafat always acts that
way when he's around someone he really doesn't know. (Jake Novak)

Arafat on a stretcher being rushed into a Paris Emergency room: "I hope
they'll have some good Jewish doctors." (Signe Wilkinson)

President Bush said yesterday that his first reaction after hearing of
Yasser Arafat's imminent death was to say "God Bless his Soul."
Actually, "t
been able to pick up his scent for quite some time.

Northwest Airlines is recalling 600 furloughed flight attendants. The
holiday rush is the reason. The company will need additional cabin crew
to ignore the passengers. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

I would say that any senior citizen who votes for Bush should have
their head examined, but I know they can't afford it with his health
care policies. (Renee from Napa)

Large grocery store chains are keeping track of customer purchases with
their club and reward cards. In fact, the other day, someone came to my
house with a computer printout to show me that I wasn't getting enough
vegetables. (Fred Barling)

The government has warned consumers not to buy or use Actra-Rx,
promoted as an erectile dysfunction treatment, Seems the
over-the-counter remedy for superficial bullet wounds was improperly
labelled. It should have read "For Projectile Dysfunction. (Jerry
Lerman)

A young Georgia girl has a rare disease where you donâ¬"t feel pain.
Doctors say they will measure her tolerance with the ultimate test.
Clay Aikenâ¬"s new CD. (Alan Ray)

The FDA warns the sexual enhancement drug Actra-Rx can lower blood
pressure to unsafe levels. This raises an important question among
males with erectile dysfunction. Who cares? (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys will ask voters in Arlington Tuesday for a sales tax
hike to build a new stadium. The team rookies went door-to-door in the
wealthy suburbs to seek votes. Sometimes the episodes of Desperate
Housewives just write themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL is looking in to sites for an LA franchise. League officials
expect it to cost over $400 million. All they could get for $300
million was a 1 bedroom. (Alan Ray)

The Red Sox had a big parade in Boston over the weekend to celebrate
their World Series victory. And they had a big ice sculpture of Ted
Williams - that actually turned out to be Ted Williams. (Jay Leno)

Junior Seau will miss the rest of the Miami Dolphinsâ¬" season because of
a torn pectoral muscle. He is not in any pain. After all, he gets to
miss the rest of the Miami Dolphinsâ¬" season. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

A 76-year-old game show producer has sued Dick Clark, who is 74, saying
Clark had called him a "dinosaur" and refused to hire him because he
was too old. 76 is an odd age -- you're too old to produce game shows,
and too young to marry Anna Nicole Smith. (Patrick M. Rhody)

Madonna opens up her new tour in L.A. next week complete with an
electric chair, simulated sex numbers, nearly naked pregnant women and
plenty of lesbian sex -- followed then by a reading of the Kabbalah.
(Jay Leno)

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves
Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a
ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)

Most Southerners are rejoicing this morning thanks to President Bush's
victory, but there is also sobering news that's shaking their society
to its very foundations; Dolly Parton is having breast reduction
surgery. (Jake Novak)

News that Dolly Parton is having breast reduction surgery is leading
some to believe that she could be starting a major trend. But experts
say President Bush's re-election victory proves big boobs will always
be popular in this country. (Jake Novak)

Did you hear about this? At a press conference, Jessica Simpson
defended her sister Ashleeâ¬"s lip-synching blunder on Saturday Night
Live but Jessica did admit she didnâ¬"t see the show because she didnâ¬"t
know what day it was on. (Jay Leno)

The independent film â¬SSaw⬠Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only
way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive
guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food
preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired
just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders
and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This
was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to
television. (Humor Express)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew
tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's
proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who
graduated from a decent Hebrew School. (Jacob Novak)

IN THE NEWS * OTHER

Flights were delayed for hours at LAX yesterday after a crazed naked
man sprinted onto the tarmac and attempted to climb into the wheel well
of a 747. Okay, which one of you wise guys told Howard Dean the
election results? (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Capital Steps: A George W. Bush retrospective:
http://www.capsteps.com/special/dubyafirstterm.html

Capital Steps: The 2004 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-0410.rm

Capital Steps: The 2000 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-0010.ra

Capital Steps: The 1996 Halloween Special:
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/Radio-9610.ra

The Bush Game: http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf

Monster Smash: http://www.monsterslash.org/

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode1.php

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode2.php

http://victoryfund.njdc.org/bubbie/episode3.php






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arizona humor classic mirth





> > Subject: classic mirth
> >
> >
> > Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
> > and
> > lawyers and prospered.
> >
> > Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
> > discussed
> > the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away
> > in
> > another city.
> >
> > The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."
> >
> > The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
> > house
> > ."
> >
> > The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
> >
> > The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
> > she
> > can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher
> > who
> > told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty
> > preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a
> > year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has
to
> > name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
> >
> > The other brothers were impressed.
> >
> > After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
> >
> > "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
> > have
> > to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
> >
> > "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
> > delivered,
> > so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.
> >
> > "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold
> > 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm
> > nearly
> > blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
> >
> > "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
> > little thought to your gift.
> >
> > The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
> >
> > __________________________________________________________________
> > Switch to Netscape Internet Service.
> > As low as $9.95 a month -- Sign up today at
> > http://isp.netscape.com/register
> >
> > Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
> >
> > New! Netscape Toolbar for Internet Explorer
> > Search from anywhere on the Web and block those annoying pop-ups.
> > Download now at http://channels.netscape.com/ns/search/install.jsp
> >
> >
>







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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 11-05-04



GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-05-04

THE GROANERS

It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the
other. The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the
same time.

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The
salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He
exclaims, "15 inches! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for
a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims,
"Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HELLooooooo...
I've got windows.!" (Daily Groaner)

I went to meet a friend who owns a bakery. Entering her place of
business, I asked the sales clerk where my friend was. "She's in the
back. She's expecting you. Go on back." But as I stepped through the
doorway I was greeted by rolling carts full of loaves of bread
everywhere--carts of sourdough, carts of pumpernickel, carts of rye,
carts of whole wheat, carts of challah...and I couldn't figure out how
to get around them to my friend, who was calling to me from somewhere
in the back of the baking area. Stymied, I stood stock still surveying
this obstacle course. That's when she helpfully called out to me, "Come
on through the rye." (Cynthia MacGregor)

H. J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As
one company spokesperson put it, "We were behind other food processing
companies in the race to cyberspace, but the new site allows us to
ketchup" (Ira Lawson)

Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for
market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His
prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't
... whole sale him or retail him.

A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street
corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much
trouble, can you see me across the street?" Our guy replied, "Just a
minute." He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I
can see you!" (Marsha Coleman)

A car broke down on the expressway. The driver pulled over to the
shoulder and jumped out of the vehicle. Then he opened the trunk and
pulled out two men in trench coats. The men stood behind the car,
opened up their coats and began exposing themselves to oncoming
traffic. The result was a terrible pile-up. A police officer arrived on
the scene and surveyed the carnage. He raged at the driver: "Why on
earth did you put these two perverts at the side of the road?" The
driver explained: "I broke down, and I was just using my emergency
flashers." (Joan DeGrave)

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was
the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop
down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I
am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most
powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can
drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out
of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion,
and stinker.

I, one of the four oarsmen of the apocolypse, think I'd have rubbed our
oars together into a pile of chips and splinters trying to light my
cigarette before I'd have considered this. I'd then gather the
spl Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist. The
second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids
Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know.... Rich, Urban,
Biker" They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "
I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F_ _ k, Etc (Larry Kegel)

Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said, "Do
you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this
planet die?" Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?" (Douglas Helsel)

I had a buddy in college who was an expert ARCHER. Could that have been
because he was at the top of his class, in ARROW-DYNAMICS? I remember
his girlfriend was always introducting him by saying, "This is my
BOW...." No, his name was NOT "BOW-regard...." But yes, he always
shopped at TARGET.... And even MEN were sexually attracted to him. It
was said that he was ALWAYS catching the "BULL'S EYE".... (Fred T.
Beeman)

Many people do not realise secret agent Cody Banks attended elementary
school in Alaska. The following conversation took part between him and
a teacher. "Cody. Alaska you again. Juno what is the capital of Alaska?
You seem to be operating on a catch as Katchican basis with your
lessons. Which won't help you here. I know it doesn't seem Fairbanks
but, you know the policy if you fall behind Chugach up. Stay on course.
Keep your Bering strait. and you should succeed. Now Sitka straight in
your chair and we will continue with your lessons." (Potch)

A group of Egyptologists and archeologists, studying a newly-discovered
vault in the Nile basin, noted that there were some unusual odors in
this vault. As a result, they located and hired a "lady of the night"
to help them -- she was an expert at Tomb Essence. (Bob Dvorak) The
tomb was built not of concrete but of tiles, all of which sagged
crazily in all directions. The archaeologists finally concluded that
the vault's builder had suffered from erect tile dysfunction. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." (William Brabant)

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she
decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend
over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and
remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want
to take a bath?" Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them." (Clean
Laffs)

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked
up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the
line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver
and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they
want money!" (Humor Express)

Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs.
Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to
cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told
her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and
unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr.
Stanford Summers." (Douglas Helsel)

Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and
told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I
know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm
trying to reach the next station before I run out." (Fred Barling)

Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big
distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can
always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy,
"But I've got 'em working nights!" (Sandy Sibert)

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that
covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of
earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy
when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to
be nice."(Bill Stebbins)

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How
many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty
years old and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it
to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new shoes...." (Larry
Kegel)

A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming
away and cooling off, he had time to think. He knew he was clearly in
the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had
caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a
gift. "I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said,
overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart,
excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him.
"You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me
something very expensive, that I don't really need." The following
day he booked her in for heart surgery. (Tom Thuis)

People who complain about never having enough money simply need to cut
the extravagances out of their lives. I figure it this way: Who needs
to blow all that coin on school lunches when my kids can just nap
during the lunch hour like I do? (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)

When my physician said that my headaches were caused by tension in my
neck and shoulders. I looked around for a product that would relax
those muscles. The perfect solution seemed to be a neck wrap that was
designed to be cooled in the freezer or heated in the microwave.
Luckily for me, the product had clear and concise instructions,
including the following: "Warning--do not microwave while on body.
(Lorraine A. Bellis)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
Are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your
clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's
Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life." "Where's Nixon's clock?" asked the man. "Nixon's clock is in
Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." (Caboom)






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Life Story Writing
Funny Jokes 0 comments links to this post  

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arizona humor Funny story





> A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
>
>
> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
>
>
>
> Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens.
>
>
>
> One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
>
>
>
> "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
>
>
>
> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
>
>
>
> "Very good," said the teacher.
>
>
>
> Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten 'live
chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched'."
>
>
>
> "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to
share?"
>
>
>
> "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Ruth. Aunt Ruth
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit.
>
>
>
> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
>
>
>
> She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
>
>
>
> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you came from that horrible story?"
>
>
>
> "Stay the hell away from Aunt Ruth when she's been drinking."









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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 11-03-04



SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 11-03-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Adolescence: The age at which children stop asking questions because
they know all the answers.

Acre: Small dog of mixed parentage (John S. Crosbie)

Drive-in movie: a theater with wall-to-wall car-petting (Kostick
Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Locksmiths: Key personnel. (Sandy Sibert)

Superficial: A really good referee (William Safire)

Banchee: A stag party (John S. Crosbie)

Stockbroker: A fortune seller. (WordFoolery)

Interest: What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
burned out employees must feign. (Sandy Sibert)

Hymenopteran -- a gynecologist specializing in examination of virgins
(Bob Dvorak)

{IRS}: Tax Bracket (Norm Stevenson)

Arcade: A beverage invented by Noah. (John S. Crosbie)

Laundromats: Where patrons are taken to the cleaners. (Sandy Sibert)

Haiku: Signal to center from a Japanese quarterback (William Safire)

Cardiac Arrest: To be taken into custody for auto theft (Stan Kegel)

Band-Aid: Fund for needy musicians (Wicked Good Dictionary)

Beatnik: Santa on the day after Christmas. (John S. Crosbie)

Beleagured: Stuck in the semipros (William Safire)

Hypertonic: Turkish coffee (Stan Kegel)

Bathroom Graffiti: The handwriting on the stall (Wordfoolery)

Briefly: Summary of the short life of an insect (Joseph Harris )

Hermit: Girl's baseball glove (William Safire)

Bergerâ¬"s Disease: Illness caused by eating too much fast foods (Stan
Kegel)

Baroque: French for "I have no money" (Wordfoolery)

Boardroom: Lumber Warehouse (Sandy Sibert)

Windbag: a person who's hard of listening (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Aldermen: She would rather date ALDERMEN than boys her own age (Stan
Kegel)

Tantamount: The Lone Ranger's mount was Silver but what was the
TANTAMOUNT? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Awry: Once you've developed a taste for corn liquor, you'll never go
AWRY. (John S. Crosbie)

Armageddon: And the Lord said, "ARMAGEDDON tired of all this sinning on
Earth." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Affair: All I want is AFFAIR price for my product. (Stan Kegel)

Armor: I fancied myself as a knight errant, but some other guy had his
ARMOR round her. (John S. Crosbie)

Abandon: Paul MacCartney's greatest music is on his album, "ABANDON
the Run" (Stan Kegel)

Bald: Samson loved Delilah until she BALD him out. (John S. Crosbie)

Bailiff: "My Dad will pay your BAILIFF you can't afford it. (Stan Kegel)

Arrears: My brother and I both hate to wash behind ARREARS. (John S.
Crosbie)

Forum: He didn't study so I don't feel sorry FORUM. (Stan Kegel)

Rotterdam: I was sailing my boat in shallow water in the Netherlands
and the ROTTERDAM near fell off. (Gary Hallock)

POETRY

Actress McLain lived in the west
And had an ongoing request.
When she made a joke,
Her friends then all spoke
And would say, â¬SShirley you jest.⬝
(Kirk Miller)

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
(Paul Cooper)

Coroner was wrong
Mortician pulled big Bona
Deathly Morta fide.
(Bob Dvorak)

Beware the good Dr. Kegel my son,
The Incorrigible Punster, the Groaner King,
Beware his lead, though it's often fun,
Es shops," said Tom counterproductively.
(Fun With Words)

"I order you to guard the back of the ship." commanded Tom sternly.
(Stan Kegel)

"It's time for the second funeral", Tom rehearsed. (Sandy Sibert)

"I've lost a lot of weight on this diet," Tom expounded enlightenedly.
(Stan Kegel)

"Nobody wants my services anymore," the doctor said impatiently. (Paul
Dickson)

"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen. (Gil Krebs)

"I have a MSW in Social Work," said Tom with a degree of concern. (Stan
Kegel)

"Let me improvise this part," said Tom descriptively. (Fun With Words)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There
Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)

Movie star Joe E. Brown was pinch-hitting for Don McNeil on his ABC
Breakfast Club. He interviewed a woman who told him she had four
children. "That's your entire family, I suppose." "Hell no, there is a
father too," she replied indignantly. (Kermit Schafer)

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night." (Eric Hodgson)

Farmer Bill Dies in House (Richard Lederer)

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (Richard Lederer)

Eye Drops off Shelf (Richard Lederer)

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction - the
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at
12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." (Richard Lederer)

Sign in front of a house: For Sale by Owner. Principles Welcome
(Richard Rice/Steve Harvey)

Heard on the BBC: "City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to
erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington.' (Kermit Schafer)

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Richard Lederer)

Include your Children When Baking Cookies (Richard Lederer)

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 (Richard Lederer)

We hired a new salesman because we were so underhanded. (Richard
Lederer)

NEWSCASTER: "Governor Nelson Rockefeller today vetoed a bill to repeal
New York's 1970 liberalized abortion law, considered the most liberal
in the nation. It permits a woman to have an abortion on request within
the first twenty-four months of pregnancy." (Kermit Schafer)

The bride was given in marriage by her father, wearing her mother's
wedding gown. (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

BED FOR SALE Four-poster, over 100 years old. Perfect for antique
lover. (Phill Rock)

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
(From a manual for an SGI computer)

GIVE US YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES Ladies! If you drive by our new launderette
and drop off your clothes, you will receive very swift attention!
(Phill Rock)

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits,
$10. They won't last an hour!" (Irene Ariel Mystery)

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

WHITLEY ACADEMY In beautiful Vermont. Coeducational. Special openings
for boys. (Phill Rock)

Seen on a message board at my child's school: "Achieve Academic
Excellents." (Renee from Napa)

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
(Thorn Shunt)

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap
rubber ball toy.

Want ad: Oak boocase 72" high (Bob Stebbins)

Haydn would die if we were to HARRY THE MAN TODAY. (Lars Hanson)

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome." (Bill Stebbins)

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced." (Bill Stebbins)





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arizona humor Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty



Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty

**..Most people deserve each other.
**..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
**..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
**..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
**..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and
apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
**..Never get overly excited about a man/woman
by just the way they look from behind.
**..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you
the next time they are in need.
**..The probability of meeting someone you know increases
greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to
be seen with.
**..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the
weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.




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arizona humor PUNS OF THE WEAK 11-01-04



PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-01-04

THE ONE-LINERS

"Tell me, Holmes, what is the purpose of laxative?"
"Alimentary, my dear Watson." (John S. Crosbie)

A printer who set $10,000 to read $1,000 might have prevented his
mistake with a little fourth aught. (John S. Crosbie)

If I were a "human fly" who scaled the outsides of buildings, I
wouldn't be afraid of anything. Except maybe a SWAT team. (Larry
Hollister from Ruminations)

If I were a sheriff in the Old West having to track down the
perpetrator of a revenge killing, I'd probably start with the town
blacksmith, because they always seem to have an ax to grind. (Brad
Simanek)

A horse eats he eats best when he hasn't a bit in his mouth.

I'll never attend another contractor's convention. Everybody gets
drunk -- and then they get plastered. (Chester Ingraham from
Ruminations)

If Gabe Kaplan ever got seriously injured on the set of his TV show,
I'll bet the doctors would have Kotterized the wound. (Larry Hollister
from Ruminations)

My iguana can't get it up anymore. He's got a reptile dysfunction.

I finally made a killing on Wall Street. My broker's funeral is
tomorrow and the police don't even suspect me. (Renee from Napa)

Noah floated stock while the rest of the world was liquidating. (Sandy
Sibert)

I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her
fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the
pudding. (Tim Begley from Ruminations)

So I'm chatting with this chick online, and I tell her I have her
favorite song on vinyl. She says, "You're really dating yourself." So I
say, "Duh. Why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first
place?" (Rick Kreher from Ruminations)

Could Hitler's bunker be considered attacks shelter? (Bradley Williams)

Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of
beasts got the lion's share. (Pun of the Day)

Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian. (Moni)

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better! (Lorraine)

At the risk of repeating myself, I once again told that group of clone
scientists I would give them a sample of my DNA. (Harrison Cockerill
from Ruminations)

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting
the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny. After all, I
was just trying to sweeten the pot. (Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)

There's a street in Italy on which, when it rains, all the street
vendors bring out rainwear for sale. It's called the Poncho Via. (Bob
Dvorak)

Cross a chess piece with a slab of pork and you get a pawn chop. (James
Ertner )

Did you ever see the Monty Python film about shrimp? - Life of Brine
(Gary Hallock)

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow for the tooth, why
not put a needle and thread? That way he'll realize that "wishing won't
make it sew". (Harrison Cockerill from Ruminations)

The day after we moved into the house, the landlord came by and made an
offer that appealed very much to Papa: "Eight children is too many.
I'll take only two." And Papa countered with, "It's a deal. Which two
do you want?" (Maggie)

Could someone on board a ship desperately looking for a toilet be
considered a "Head Hunter"? (Bradley Williams)

I don't understand it. I spend the same amount on gas every week but my
car mileage seems to be slipping. (Douglas Helsel)

A guy applies to Social Security for disability status. They ask what
his disability is. "I'm having
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing
blood. (Mary Hirsch)

A turtle only makes progress when it sticks it's neck out (Lorraine A.
Bellis)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
(Granville Hicks)

When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the
boat into the water can really mess up your car's carburetor. (Sandy
Sibert)

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do
things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
(Paul Cooper)

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a
failure. (Herbert Samuel)

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. (Erica Jong)

There's nothing remarkable about playing the organ. All one has to do
is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays
itself. (Johann Sabastian Bach)

When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the
boat into the water can really mess up your car's carburetor. (Sandy
Sibert)

Life is a lot like jazz, it's best when you improvise. (George Gerswhin)

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
election. (Otto Von Bismarch)

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. (Louis Armstrong)

I got my husband one of those new beepers that delivers an electric
shock if he doesn't call me back right away. (Lorraine)

Windows is Bill Gates' way of telling you to slow down. (Sandy Sibert)

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know
that we are on God's side. (Abraham Lincoln)

Abe Lincoln was a Republican lawyer. Of course, he was shot, but he
went out in public. (Michael Bass)

Ye can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think.
(Finley Peter Dunne)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

Mushroom hunters are fanatics. They keep the location of productive
areas as closely guarded secrets and spend hours looking for the tasty
delicacies. Their drive and determination is the result of a⬦?
A Morel Imperative (Norm Stevenson)

If the currently popular book whose title was based on the old joke
about the koala were to aspire to be an even greater mega-seller, the
author might include some info about sex in addition to the info
currently therein. Sex sells. What might she then retitle the book?
Comma Sutra (Cynthia MacGregor)

Which president was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent (Stan Kegel)

A young Native American woman asked her mother "How did I get my name?"
Her mother replied, "Your father and I had trouble. Every night for
weeks we awoke with the same horrible dream that somebody named
"Vinton" was teaching us a strange dance. Of course, once awake, only
one thing to do... and here you are." What was the Maiden's name?
"Polka Haunt Us" (Bob Dvorak)

What would be the preferred Brand-name product to wipe oil, grime,
etc., from your head-stand?
Kleen Necks (Bob Dvorak)

How would you describe a pair of two-year-old cousins asleep in bed at
high noon?
Napkin (Cynthia MacGregor)

In Alaska they can't bear to leave their SUV's unadorned. So they cover
the bumpers with a thin film of a shiny surface they call...?
Kodiachrome (Bob Dvorak)

I knew I loved Teresa the moment I met her. She was intelligent, sweet,
witty, everything I had always desired. She was an executive with a
major ad agency and had just sold Quaker Oats a new campaign for their
healthy dry cereals. But we were separated in the crowd and I spent
play, he was supposed to exit Stage Left, change his mind, and come
right back on, beginning the throes of an epileptic attack. Faced with
the stupid tic once again, the director taxed him with the line...?
Re-enter under seizure -- the "twitch" is seizures. (Render unto
Caesar that which is Caesar's) (Bob Dvorak)

Name the radio and T. V. show that was a spoof on the life and times of
William Tell:
Meet Careless Archer (Stan Kegel)

Contrary to popular belief it wasn't the Eden of the apple that caused
God to expel Adam & Eve from paradise. It was their blatant disregarden
of certain rules of conduct in the herb bed. Often mis-translated, this
infraction of God's rules is was known as...?
Oregano sin (Gary Hallock)

What device did the Vatican auto mechanic install on the Popemobile's
engine to increase the pontiff's chances of attracting followers from
other religions?
A Catholytic Converter (Gary Hallock)

Why didn't the mouse run in the open window?
Because he's a dormouse. (Cynthia MacGregor)

A couple of shrimp were speculating about where to take their vacation
this year. One suggested they might go to the beach and the other
proposed they do something different for a change and visit a fresh
water lake. They opted for the the latter. The decision was simple. You
might say it was WHAT?
A "No Briner" (Gary Hallock)

Various groups take a census of where voters stand on the candidates.
Bush and Kerry are both constantly vigilant of these results. I guess
they are worried about where they are on the list. A racer, running
qualifying laps, is worried about the same thing. What common thing are
they all concerned with?
Both candidates and racers are worried about poll (pole) position.
(Clynch Varnadore)

When she was just entering puberty, TV producer Aaron Spelling became
quite protective of his nubile young actress daughter. Long before she
became of a proper dating age her body matured and was ogled and
pursued by many young men with wicked intent. Mr. Spelling was wealthy
enough that he didn't have to put up with this, so he had constructed a
tall brick fence that circled around his home. Thus he kept his shapely
young daughter socially isolated and properly virginal for several
years until she was emotionally mature enough to greet the world with
her knock-out body. Lecherous would-be boyfriends began referring to
the Spelling home by a name that sounded quite similar to that of a
famous hotel. What was it?
Walled-Off Ass O'Tori (Gary Hallock)

Why couldn't Phillip Nolan be a forester?
He was a man without acorn tree. (Stan Kegel)

Richard Nixon attempted to change horses in midstream. What broke his
stride?
Down by the mill house he broke into a water gait. (Gary Hallock)





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arizona humor Shopping




It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to
the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger
rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game
was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to
watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for
the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a
long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign
slipped into the check-out line just in front of him
pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the
elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked
into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which
six items would you like to buy?"


Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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11.05.2004

East Valley News - News for the East Valley of Phoenix Arizona

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arizona humor Working Man Blues ...



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.


*******************************************************************


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11.04.2004

arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 11-02-04



KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-02-04

HALLOWEEN PUNS

Linda Blair with great favor confessed,
Sheâ¬"d been exorcised, thus finding rest,
But alack and alas
Her old demon came back
And now the poor girlâ¬"s repossessed.

The mummy was looking quite dapper
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper
'Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hum
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!"
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why is the air so clean on Halloween?
Because witches sweep the sky. (Zoyla, 9)

Why did the vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A funny bone!

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A blood test (Lewis, 10)

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
:Because it dampens their spirits! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them!

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.

Why did Frankenstein look especially ugly when he was being recharged?
He was revolting

Why is a witch like a candle?
They are both wicked.

What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat and Ghost-Toasties

"Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do vampires always use mouthwash after every meal?
So they won't get bat breath!

What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed

Where do they cremate seductive women?
On vamp pyres.

What type of make-up do witches use?
Mask-scare-a

Why was the miserly vampire hunter unsuccessful?
He tried to kill the vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart
because steaks were too expensive.

One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that
has a spell checker."

A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi. (Pun of the Day)

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. "What on
earth are you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail," says the guy. "But...
you have a girl on your back," replies the host. "Yeah, he says,
"that's Michelle!"

The newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found themselves
shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.
Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming. In fact, when they
found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a
party. They toasted the bride, then barbecued the groom.

A mother took her daughter shopping for a witch outfit to wear at the
school Halloween costume party. They hunted in several shops for an
important accessory--an old-fashioned straw broom with a crooked
tree-branch handle. Finally Mom found one that was just right. "See?"
she asked her daughter. "This will be perfect for you to take to
school." The youngster eyed the broom for a moment an got you covered!" (Fred Barling)

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his Mom had been a wafer too long (Jose, 11)

What would you do if your nose went on strike?
Pickett (Brad Williams)

What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off ((Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Fred Barling)

What did the cotton plant say to the farmer?
"Stop picking on me!"

Why did the dairy worker take the cows to the top of the hill to milk
them
Because he heard the cream rises at the top.

How do you keep elephants from charging?
Take away their credit cards (Alexandra, 11)

Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong to a pack.

Couldn't Greenwich Mean Time at least try to be a little nicer?
(Joseph Moore from Ruminations)

If Spam were made of Beef could it be considered a "Can-O-Bull"? (Brad
Williams)

What do you call nervous insects?
Jitterbugs. (Rita, 8)

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet
weather?
An umbrella. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What kind of music do astronauts listen to?
Rock-et-roll! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
It sounded too fishy.

Why is the math book so unhappy?
Because it's full of problems! (Sarah, 10)

Why did the scarecrow receive a medal?
Because he was outstanding in his field! (Dr. Bernie Domanski)

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people?
They are not down-to-earth. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches?
In their launch boxes. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What did the scarf say to the hat?
"You go on ahead and I'll just hang around. (Jenna, 1)

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop! (Maryam, 10)

JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because Fred
wrote he had grown another foot.

A motorist going 80 miles per hour tried to beat a speeding train
across the tracks. He got across, all right, a beautiful marble one.
(John S. Crosbie)

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of
his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other
ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The
doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right" (Martin
Flack)

There was a surgeon who was famous for his short cuts. (Pun of the Day)

When he sold his royal crown, the king reduced his overhead. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

She was a great nurse, even though she got a measle-y salary. She knew
how to call the shots. There was never any bad blood between her and
the others. She just got on with her job checking patients' pulses
without missing a beat. And when it came to the surgery, she was never
absent without gauze. (Mike Bull)

When his parrot greeted them with fowl language, they were speechless
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

A Texas redneck's wife delivered a baby at 5 a.m. They named him Earl
Lee. (Renee from Napa)

A card shark wanted a tall chair so he could have the upper hand. (Pun
of the Day)

An empty purse is always the same because there is never any change in
it.

When the soldiers had a snowball fight, it turned into a cold war.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

The deaf cowboy rode with his dog and herd. (Marsha Coleman)

After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple
to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I
thought I told you to go forth and multiply." On Patient: Ever since I was an egg (Dr. Bernie Domanski)

The teetotaler was known for his dry humor (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for
their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced
myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." A man on the other end
replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!" (Maurizio Mariorri)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Kids to parents: "Can we stay up to see who gets voted off?" (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

Ernie lives vicariously through the movies. He's a reel-ist. (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Man with sign that says, "Time for a change." Baby in carriage says,
"Is it that noticeable?" (Off the Mark: Mark Pansi)

Grandma: "What does the piggy say?" Child: "Oink, oink" "Very good! And
the duck says⬦?" "AFLAC!" (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

Speed reading is necessary to exit the parkway (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Adam at computer talking to tech support: "What d'ya mean there's a
shortage of vaccine for this year's big computer virus?" (Adam: Brian
Bassett)

NewGrandparents and teen-aged aunt receiving e-mail picture of newborn
baby: Grandpa: "There's our new grandson, Elly, with all his fingers
and toes." Grandma: "He's beautiful." Aunt: "Maybe he was digitally
enhanced." (For Better or For Worse: Lynn Johnston)

King to taxi driver, "Queen's Bishop Three, and step on it, (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Two children in "suitcase" costumes. Mother: "You won first prize for
your luggage costumes?" Father: "No, they're not just pieces of
luggage, Right, kids?" boy: "I'm so angry, I could spit!" Girl: "Oooh,
I'm upset! I wanna cry!" Father: "They're emotional baggage." Girl:
"See our ribbon, Mom?" (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)

"What happened?" "I spilled coffee in the car!" "That's what happens if
you drink and drive!" (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

Bread-Co inc. Woman leaving boss's office with a box of money. Boss:
"When she was buttering me up, I should have realized she was going to
put the bite on me." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Live in the past. it's tax free. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Tact: Thinking twice before saying nothing. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

In Hollywood most marriages are auditions. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

The easiest way to get a rainy day is to save for it. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)






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11.03.2004

GET BACK TO ME ASAP

Dear Friend,

I am Barrister williams David, an attorney at law. A
deceased client of mine, by name Mr,Samson Owen, who
here in after shall be referred to as my client, died
as the result of an auto car accident here in England.

I am contacting you to help assist me in ensuring
that the funds lodged by my client with a bank in
Bahamas,
his bank is not decleared unclaimed hence my reason
for this contact to you.

This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next
of kin, or the account will be confiscated.

My proposition to you is to seek your consent to
present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my
late client,so that the proceeds of this account can
be paid to you,Then we can share the amount on a
mutually agreed-upon percentage.

All legal documents to back up your claim as my
client's next-of-kin will be provided. All I require
is your honest cooperation to enable us see this
transaction through.

This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement
that will protect you from any breach of the law. If
this business proposition offends your moral values,do
accept my apology. Please contact me at once to
indicate your interest.

However if you are willing to assist me in this
venture
i will establish a verbal telephone communication with
you
and bring you into a much better picture of the
situation.

Best Regards,
Barrister williams David
Morley House,
26-30 Holborn Viaduct,
London EC1A 2BP,
U.K
TEL:+44-7040110792.


___________________________________________________
Build your own website, it's easy and fun.

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11.02.2004

arizona humor MANN IN THE SLIP [video]




Mann in the Slip
4 min - Comedy, Windows Media

http://www.themannproject.com/mannintheslip.htm
MANN, a live action cartoon character, is late to work


written, produced, directed, created, and starring JON OSBECK!
Jon Osbeck IS Mann in the Slip

www.themanproject.com








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arizona humor Lion Tamer






>A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people showed up. One as an older man in his mid-60's and the other was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid 20's.
>
>
>
>The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment, a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
>first?"
>
>
>
>The blonde said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet.
>
>
>The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
>
>
>
>He then turned to the older man and asked, "Can you top that?"
>
>
>
>The older man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
>
>
>
>
>



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arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 10-30-04



WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 10-30-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore
and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs,
and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did
vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things
didn't come true! (James Carville)

In a dry run of their Election Night coverage, CBS News declared the
St. Louis Cardinals the winners of the 2004 World Series. (Andy
Borowitz)

Did you ever notice that no matter what a person does or says, it's
never his fault for saying or doing it, it's the press's fault for
reporting it? The media always uses the negative stuff.And so, to make
up for past negativity, here are some new looks at how past news
stories should have been reported:
"HAWAII REPORTS RISE IN JAPANESE TOURISM Surprise visitors drop in on
Dec. 7"
"PATRICK HENRY: `LIBERTY IS GOOD'"
"PLAY WELL-ACTED DESPITE INCIDENT Federal official assailed at show in
Ford's theater"
"ROMANS SPARE THIEF Christ crucified on schedule" (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)

The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group
called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) The boys, Cooter, Bubba,
Hoss and Bo will be well armed and dropped behind enemy lines and given
the following information about the Iraqis: 1. The season opened last
weekend. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They
don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly
responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The war should be over in
a week. (Mike M.)

In the next few weeks we're all going to be taking a ride on the US
sole crush. Kerry will accuse Bush of secretly planning a back door
draft of flu-striken seniors while Bush will respond that Kerry will
detonate a bomb in an American city that will turn everyone gay. (Rob
Corddry)

Both candidates are trying to scare voters for votes in the last weeks
of the campaign. And theyâ¬"re doing a pretty good job. Voters are
petrified that on November 2nd theyâ¬"re actually going to have to pick
one of these guys. Whatâ¬"s scarier than that? (Jay Leno)

Here are some Tips on Dealing With Liberals The first step: Refute
their filthy liberal logic. Liberals say, "We shouldn't have attacked
Iraq. I'm sick about all the dead American kids." You say, "Quit
whining, you commie! I hate to see Americans die, but in the grand
scheme of things, 1,000 deaths is nothing! We lost more than 50,000 in
Vietnam. Where is your sense of proportion?" Liberals say, "I see four
American soldiers are charged with killing an Iraqi prisoner. They
allegedly smothered him during an `interrogation.' It's awful to see
Americans sink to the level of the terrorists." You say, "Why are you
sick, twisted people always whining about a few Iraqi deaths? What
about all the American kids slaughtered in this war? Why not shed a few
tears for them?" When you have an answer for everything, the liberals
-- and terrorists -- can never win. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES OF THE WEEK

Flipper: http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerry-flipper.mp3 or visit
http://www.capsteps.com for the songs of the last nine weeks from
Capital Steps

The Florida Election Machines:
http://www.boomchicago.nl/images/Voting_Machine.wmv

IN THE NEWS * THE COMIC STRIPS

Swift Boat Veterinarians For Truth: "Not once during his service in
Vietnam did John Kerry bring his dog or cat in for a checkup. (Bizarro:
Dan Piraro)

"Maybe the whole Bill O Bush: "Mike Taylor!" Reporter: "You have a
Mike Taylor?" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"There's just so much to be afraid of ⬠hijackings, suicide bombers,
radiological attacks, bioterrorism. Every morning I check the terror
alert color to see if I should look out for suspicious behavior," "Do
you believe everything the government tells you?" "I wish we lived in
Bagdhad. I hear its really nice over there," "Never mind." (Boondocks:
Aaron McGruder)

Kerry: "Now that I'm President-elect, maybe I should explain that by
'taxing the rich' I was, of course including the almost rich, those who
want to be rich, those who know a guy named rich, those who watch 'The
O'Reilly Factor," Duck: "Dang" (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

Reporter: "Sir, the only mistake you've admitted so far is making a few
appointments you regret. In other words, the only mistake you made was
appointing a few aides who made the mistake of pointing out your
mistakes. Sir, are you sure there's not a single mistake you've made?"
Voice to Bush's ear: "Stall. We're working on it." Bush: See 'No Child
Left Behind' is a jobs program." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"You're watching a news discussion program?" "Uh huh. I wanna pick up
debate techniques from the pros." "Wow! I'm impressed! So what have you
learned?" "That it is more important to demean the opponent's integrity
than to be right about anything. And never admit you're wrong." "You
were born for this era." "I just hope some stupid 'Age of Reason'
doesn't come along by the time I grow up." "Oh, I don't see much chance
of that."
(Non Sequitur: Wiley)

IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN

The Kerry and Bush campaigns are leaning on some star power today as
Bill Clinton is making an appearance with John Kerry and Arnold
Schwarzenegger will join President Bush in Ohio. So, it's not clear if
both campaigns are hoping to reach undecided voters or grope them.
(Jake Novak)

It seems both George Bush and John Kerry turned down an offer to hold a
debate before the largest congregation of Catholics in the country.
Neither candidate wanted to be known as a Mass Debater. (Bradley
Williams)

Osama watching Bush on TV: Bush: "So I say to my opponent, 'you can run
but you can't hide!" Osama: "Rerun that last part for me, will you?"
(Chan Lowe, Chicago Tribune)

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out
round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that?
It's called Fox News. (Craig Kilborn)

IN THE NEWS * THE ELECTION

The White House said 'we do not want the terrorists to determine the
outcome of the election. We want the governor of Florida to determine
the outcome of the election. (David Letterman)

In Florida there are already voting problems. They started early voting
there. Many senior citizens are complaining about problems at the
polls. Apparently they are pulling the lever and no quarters are coming
out. (Conan O'Brien)

Precinct worker offering slot machine to voter: "Sorry, we ran out of
touch-screen machines due to high turnout, but it's just as credible in
a recount. (Chan Low, Chicago Tribune)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

Bush Quotes: "I will bring dignity back to the White House." "I'm a
uniter not a divider." "I do not support nation building." "Saddam and
his WMD posses an imminent threat." "In Iraq our troops will be greeted
as liberators." "There will be no draft." (Milt Priggee)

President Bush says it would be "dangerous" to the nation's economy and
security to elect John Kerry. Gosh. What do you think Kerry might do --
run up record deficits, drive the national debt into the stratosphere,
give us high unemployment, entangle us in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to
need are Spanish, Thai, Chinese and Korean, because that's what they
speak where the jobs went (Jay Leno)

President Bush has said John Kerry's comments about the war in Iraq are
killing troop morale. But the President is stopping that line of
criticism, because as it turns out, what he's doing in Iraq is just
killing the troops. (Jake Novak)

President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week.
Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You
know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where
the Bush economy has actually created jobs... like India, or Thailand,
or China. (Jay Leno)

President Bush says the mysterious bulge in the back of his suit coat
during the first presidential debate was the result of "a poorly
tailored shirt."... and by that he meant a poorly tailored shirt that
failed to cover the transmitter taped to his back. (Jake Novak)

Barb and Jenna Bush hit the campaign trail today to make an impassioned
pitch for their pet issue, the importation of cheap beer from Canada.
`(Argus Hamilton)

First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a
second term she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance
abuses problems. When asked how she would do that she replied, "Just as
I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children." (Tina Fey)

There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House
wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten
into the White House unlawfully since President Bush. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry told a Reno crowd Saturday that President Bush let Osama bin
Laden get away. He said if he had been president it would've been
different. If there's one thing we know about John Kerry it's that he
never lets a multi-millionaire get away. (Argus Hamilton)

Might I point out, this is the same Senator Kerry who voted against the
president's tax cuts. Now he wants to tell you he's for explosives not
being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it, Senator, you can't have
it both ways? (Stephen Colbert)

On the campaign trail, the president continued what has been a theme
throughout the year: John Kerry is a flip-flopper. Oh, and also
consistently liberal. (Jon Stewart)

John Kerry drank beer with the guys Wednesday and watched the Boston
Red Sox on TV. He tries hard not to appear snooty. However, when he
went to the grocery store to get some hamburgers, he asked the butcher
for two pounds of Ground Charles. (Argus Hamilton)

When President Bush heard that John Kerry took a vacation in Nantucket,
with the country at war, the economy in trouble, Bush said, 'Wow! Maybe
he is presidential' (Jay Leno)

John Kerry is out on the trail with Christopher Reeve's wife, Dana, who
said that if her husband had been president on 9/11 and had been told
the country was under attack, even he would have gotten up. (Bill
Maher)

John Kerry says that he has a plaque on his desk that says 'The buck
stops here.' His wife has one on her desk that says 'The two billion
dollars stops here.'" (Craig Kilborn)

The Kerry campaign announced they will have ten thousand lawyers at the
polls in battleground states. Ten thousand lawyers. Well, let's hope
you don't slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You
could be buried alive in business cards. (Jay Leno)

In the latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man
should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about
what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?
(Jay Leno) Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida. He
heard they were all swing states. (Alan Ray)

Bill Clinton lobbied Friday to be selected the next U.N.
Secretary-General. It would give him diplomatic immunity from United
States law at the workplace. He's trying to get the job before Bill
O'Reilly and Arnold Schwarzenegger find out about it. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton says he's out campaigning for John Kerry right after his
quadruple bypass surgery because, "If this isn't good for my heart, I
don't know what is." Actually, Clinton does know something else that's
good for his heart, but if Hillary finds out he's doing it, she'll
perform his next surgery herself. (Jake Novak)

Bill Clinton campaigned in Florida Tuesday after his smash hit
appearance in Philadelphia the day before. The guy desperately missed
the spotlight. At one point during his convalescence, he was this close
to arranging his own kidnapping just to get his name on the freeway
signs in California. (Argus Hamilton)

Former President Bill Clinton hit the campaign trail for John Kerry in
both Philadelphia and Miami. ... Clinton said his heart trouble made
him realize he might not have much time left, and he didn't want to
waste it all with Hillary. (Jeff Altman)

Diane Sawyer interviewed Bill Clinton on ABC's PrimeTime Live on
Thursday. He indicated an interest in becoming U.N. Secretary-General.
Republicans responded by contending he's two days early because Devil's
Night falls on Saturday this year. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader said today that he is in
the race to stay and challenged President Bush and Sen. Kerry to a
televised debate on the Sci-Fi Channel.(Andy Borowitz)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

"This woman claims Bill O'Reilly had phone sex with her three times
against her wishes. Three times. The first time, maybe, but that
second- or third-time call ... wouldn?t you be looking at your caller
ID after that? Gee, it's O'Reilly ... I wonder what he wants!" (Jay
Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

A new poll shows that 60% of Americans are "very upset" because they
believe neither Bush nor Kerry will be the clear winner on election day
The other 40% are even more upset because they believe either Bush or
Kerry will be the clear winner on election day. (Jake Novak)

The Gallup Poll on the presidential race was released Monday. It had
both sides equally split and equally committed and equally unwilling to
see the other side win. Whichever half of John Kerry's brain wins this
election is coming down to the wire. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE ARMED FORCES

On the campaign trail, President Bush blasted Army reservists who
refused to carry out a convoy supply mission in Iraq last week, saying,
â¬SWhat do they think this is, the Alabama National Guard?⬝(Andy
Borowitz)

The U.S. Navy found a wireless video camera hidden in the women's
shower on a ship docked in San Diego. It's no shock. What do you expect
from the branch of the service that named four destroyers and an
aircraft carrier after the Kennedy family? (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS ⬢ THE STATES

1886 black Florida citizens are to be "caged" on Tuesday to prevent
their voting according to memos to precinct workersby Mindy Tucker
Fletcher, a senior GOP Republican campaign advisor. (BBC & The Los
Angeles Times)

Election offices opened across Florida last Monday to give black voters
the option of being turned away early. (Amy Poehler)

Our Election 2004 Fiasco Preview begins where the fiasco began last
time: Florida. While The Sunshine State's 2000 debacle gave all of
America 36 days of breezy, lighthea affect
Chief Justice William Rehnquist's future plans. If Bush wins, he'll
retire right away, but if Kerry wins, he'll just stay on the court long
enough to overturn the election. (Jake Novak)

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work
environment. (Gail S. Angel)

Martha Stewart got a $500-million bonus on top of her salary last year.
This year, she's asking for her bonus to be paid in candy bars and
cigarettes. (Jim Barach)

According to the FBI's crime statistics report, violent crime decreased
again last year due, say law enforcement officials, to their success in
getting Martha Stewart off the streets. (Jerry Lerman)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

Congress agreed to turn over two thousand doses of flu vaccine to
Washington D.C.'s inner-city poor. Wise move. They were going to keep
the doses for themselves and their top aides but then they looked
outside the window and remembered the Alamo. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit fifty-three dollars a
barrel on Tuesday due to shortfalls in supply. Commodities are soaring.
Milk may be going up fifty cents a gallon in the first sign that Saudi
Arabia has begun raising cows. (Argus Hamilton)

Gas prices have skyrocketed. Itâ¬"s been quite a while since fuel was
affordable. The last time the price was under a dollar per gallon was
also the last time they cleaned the rest rooms. (Alan Ray)

Wal-Mart said it will spend $500,000 to defeat a California ballot
measure requiring employers to pay for health care coverage for
workers. The company also plans to continue to make working at its
stores so awful that none of the sick employees will want to get better
and come back on the job anyway. (Jake Novak)

It was reported that a woman is suing the chairman of Weight Watchers
for sexual harassment. As a result, the chairman of Weight Watchers
could lose up to $1 million in just 30 days. (Conan O'Brien)

Wal-Mart announced that they will not sell George Carlin's new book
"When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?"... which is strange since so
much of Wal-Mart's revenues come from sales of pork chops and books
about Jesus. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Aide: "Over 350 tons of unguarded high explosives are missing in Iraq,
probably in the hands of insurgents." Bush: "Wow! It's lucky we haven't
made any mistakes!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer)

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it anymore (Gail S.
Angel)

Headline: 380 Tons of Explosives Missing In Iraq. Bush: "What, me
worry? It ain't like it's nu-ku-lar" (Chan Low, Chicago Tribune)

President Bush said today he was "furious" that Iraqis looted 350 tons
of explosives since the looting of Iraq was supposed to be handled by
Halliburton. (Andy Borowitz)

Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is blaming U.S. negligence for
the ambush that killed 50 American-trained Iraqi soldiers this weekend.
The Pentagon admits that Allawi's public complaints are the result of
grave negligence -- but they promise to remember to send him his check
on-time next month. (Jake Novak)

President Bush said that the U.S. was doing everything in its power to
locate 380 tons of missing explosives in Iraq, adding, "We are checking
eBay every day." (Andy Borowitz)

What is the main difference
A seriously ill Yasser Arafat has been sent to Paris for special
medical treatment. Experts say Arafat made the decision because French
doctors are very good at not only treating ailments, but finding a way
to blame them on the Jews. (Jake Novak)

Doctors say Yasser Arafat is suffering from a large gallstone.
Palestinian doctors say they can remove the stone, and believe it will
be ready to be thrown at some Israelis before next week. (Jake Novak)

Israel allowed Yasser Arafat to leave his compound for medical
treatment. He has been confined to house arrest. After all the awful
things he's said about Jewish people you would think that the Nixon
Library would send a helicopter for him. (Argus Hamilton)

Yasser Arafat collapsed into unconsciousness Wednesday, causing his
doctors to describe the PLO leader as gravely ill. His death could
cause a major disruption. The Israelis thought they were done with the
Jewish holidays this year. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

A new pill could reduce the risk of post-traumatic stress disorder by
erasing memories, which has been called therapeutic forgetting. But
it's not clear if this form of therapeutic forgetting will work as well
for patients as it has for the Bush campaign. (Jake Novak)

Due to the shortage of the flu vaccine, federal health officials are
saying that only the very young and the very old should be vaccinated.
That's very good news for Mr. and Mrs. Billy Joel! (Jay Leno)

A new poll shows most Americans don't blame President Bush for the
current shortage of flu vaccine, but they do think some older
governmental powers are the source of the problem... which means they
blame Dick Cheney. (Jake Novak)

Great White Sharks by the dozens descended on Malibu Monday and cleared
away surfers at Will Rogers Beach. Their homing instincts are uncanny.
The sharks were huge, they were hungry and, like Will Rogers, they
never met a man they didn't like. (Argus Hamilton)

Experts say more Internet users are getting their computers infected
with viruses when they surf the web at home. The news is likely to
boost sales of virus protection software and increase the number of
people getting fired for looking at porn sites at work. (Jake Novak)

A report says a record number of teenagers are overweight. An obese
teen in the household is every parentâ¬"s nightmare. If he gets too huge,
he might never be able to move out. (Alan Ray)

The Atkins Diet was knocked off as the best-selling book. There's a new
diet guaranteed to make you thin. The first two days you can eat
anything you want, and then on the third day you are taken hostage in
Lebanon and held for seven years. (Argus Hamilton)

The China News Agency reported Wednesday that archaeologists digging in
Indonesia found fossilized remains of a tiny human that is now extinct.
Scientists believe the species shrank while isolated on a remote
island. Today they call that spa cuisine. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

Since 1936, every time the Washington Redskins have won their last home
game before the presidential election, the incumbent has lost. Every
time they've won, the incumbent has won. This year the Redskins are
playing the Packers, so John Kerry is sending all the Packers players
his best wishes, and President Bush is sending all the Redskins players
a big tax cut. (Jake Novak)

The Yankees looked stunned, didn't they? Usually you only see this many
depressed Dominicans after their raft springs a leak." (Jay Leno)

It's the Cardinals and the Red Sox. They met in the World Series back
in 1967. To tell you how times have changed, back then we had a bad
economy, an unpopular war and a president f
Designated Hitter/First Baseman David, shall we praise him ORTIZ him?
And the Right Fielder really put the NIXON the Cards. Finally, if the
National Anthem performer had made a mistake while singing, swore about
it, made another mistake, and then swore again ... that would've been
an example of reCURSing the VERSE. (James Ertner)

Sunday is Halloween. Kids like to dress up as lifeless creatures. The
St. Louis Cardinals costumes are selling like hot cakes. (Alan Ray)

The Boston Red Sox astounded the world in St. Louis Wednesday and won
the World Series for the first time in eighty- six years. No one can
believe that they finally won. Everybody said Ted Williams would freeze
over before that happened. (Argus Hamilton)

The World Series drew huge ratings for Fox Television this week but
baseball is no longer the top sport. It has been replaced. In today's
America, changing the channel whenever the political commercials come
on is the new national pastime. (Argus Hamilton)

Ricky Williams sought to reenter the NFL Friday after he flunked a
marijuana test. He got nailed on the verbal part. You would think that
growing up in Texas he would know that the Super Bowl is something you
play and not something you smoke. (Argus Hamilton)

The Sporting News gave Barry Bonds the Major League Player of the Year
award by a vote of his fellow players. We're lucky to have him. Barry
Bonds survived a nasty medical scare last Friday when doctors found
blood in his steroid stream. (Argus Hamilton)

The Sporting News reported that U.S. service personnel are trying to
introduce baseball to Iraq. There's a huge language problem. When the
Iraqis heard that Barry Bonds was an explosive hitter, they stole three
hundred tons of bats with his signature on them. (Argus Hamilton)

NFL owners discussed the pros and cons of fielding a team in the Los
Angeles Coliseum Wednesday. Street parking is located where the Rodney
King riots began. A plaque at the corner of Florence and Normandie
marks the birthplace of reality television. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

After viewers heard one Ashlee Simpson song playing while she voiced
the words to another on this weekend's edition of "Saturday Night
Live," two things have become clear: 1) She's not really a great live
singer and 2) Her sound technician must be the same guy who worked with
President Bush during the debates. (Jake Novak)

Responding to her embarrassing lip-syncing gaffe on Saturday Night
Live, Ashlee Simpson is telling Americans, "to get your jabs in while
you can, because there's too many important people behind my career to
stop it now." Funny, that's what the Bush campaign has been saying all
year too! (Jake Novak)

Britney Spears will take time off from her career. She's not telling
the media of her plans. Her lip syncs are sealed. (Alan Ray)

Jessica Simpson is introducing a new line of beauty products. She tried
to bottle eau de toilette. But the lid would keep falling down on her.
(Alan Ray)

Julia Roberts was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital after experiencing
early contractions, and doctors are advising that she remain in bed for
the rest of her pregnancy. And fans of decent movie-making are advising
that she remain in bed for the rest of her natural life. (Jake Novak)

Brooklyn's Children's Museum made Michael Jackson the theme of its
Halloween party Sunday. It's only right. He just moved out of the
Beverly Hills mansion he rented because the neighbors were beginning to
figure out it wasn't a grade school. (Argus Hamilton)

Attorneys for actor Steven Seagal want to drop him as a client, because
he hasn't paid them in almost a year. There's no joke here -- it's
help seniors pay heating bills, buy
groceries, and get a good stick to whack people who try to cut in front
of them in the flu shot line. (Jake Novak)

Mary Kay LeTourneau revealed her plans on the Larry King show Saturday.
She intends to marry her nineteen-year-old former sixth-grade student
and settle down. She said she would like to have a couple of children,
but she doesn't want to go back to prison. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

A dispute between George W. Bush and Pat Robertson about apparently
conflicting messages each of them claimed to have received from God has
highlighted what God sees as a major communications problem with some
mortals on Earth. God had apparently intended to warn Bush about heavy
casualties in Iraq, but the message was received by Pat Robertson
instead, spokesangels revealed today. "It's very, very hard to get
through to Bush," one heavenly spokesangel said. "He's extremely
insulated." Although Bush claimed that he had received a message from
God about a lack of casualties, a senior archangel who preferred to
remain anonymous said that he was unaware of any such message. An
investigation by "higher-ups" concerning that alleged message is
underway. "We don't know what Bush heard," said the Archangel.
"Sometimes people hear what they want to hear." (Tom Burka)

Fearing that rosary beads will become trivialized, the Roman Catholic
Church is issuing a leaflet saying that they are not a toy. Too bad the
Church didn't issue a leaflet telling its priests that altar boys
aren't toys either. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

Police say there's been a rise of cases of students stealing money and
other items from teachers in New York City public schools. But it's not
clear if the student thieves are swiping more money than the teachers
are already stealing from the taxpayers. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * OTHER

The American League of Lobbyists urged members Tuesday to donate old
suits to the poor in Washington. They have plenty to give. In addition
to changing suits twice a day, lobbyists lie out on the Capitol steps
and shed their skin every August. (Argus Hamilton)





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arizona humor New Arrival



Good-day,

Just new and confirmed member of this Arizona humurous Joke club, and thanks to all of you happy people.

Remember Joseph.


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arizona humor Witches in my Mailbox










OHHH NOOO!!


There are witches in my mailbox.
What am I to do?

I found them there this morning,
doing things they shouldn't do!!

How the witches got there,
I haven't got a clue.

But they won't be there much longer
because I'm sending them to

YOU!!!!!!

You've been Witch Kissed!

Before the warts begin to spread,
pass the kisses on instead!





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arizona humor Some men never learn...





A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard
look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I
see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are
barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns
to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to
make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then
says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing
wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at
10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor The speed of ight and other quetionable jokes




The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, or the distance a baby can crawl when you turn your back.



Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" --Rodney Dangerfield

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

Did you hear the one about the young woman with the hourglass figure?

Unfortunately, time marches on.

Rodney Dangerfield - in memory

My daughter failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My family never bought a pumpkin - they made me stand in the window."

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

My kid drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school, He won't tell me where it is."

We had Army friends with whom we were stationed at Fort Bragg, in Newport, Rhode Island at the Navy War College, and again in Israel. They had a lovely little black and white spaniel named Bootsie who was very ladylike and well behaved.

Tom managed somehow to teach her this trick, and no one ever figured out how it was done, because the terms used and the order in which they were given were never the same, so far as we could determine.

Tom would hold a dog treat or piece of food so that it was visible to Bootsie and say, "Here, Bootsie -- Navy chow." Bootsie would turn up her nose. "C'mon girl, Marine chow." Again, up with the nose. "Bootsie -- Air Force chow." Up went her nose. "Here, Bootsie -- Coast Guard chow." Of course, Bootsie was unimpressed. "Okay, Bootsie -- Army chow." Bootsie would come running, take the treat and wolf it down.

The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display.

Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note which read:

Maine cherries are black.

There's a sucker born every minute...

Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)

FOUR BONES

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd prob origins of tarot?

We turned to the Lukol Tarot category and after checking several links learned this:

Tarot's origins are perhaps as misunderstood as the mystical symbols on the cards themselves. The promotional images and text on some of these divination decks claim ancient Egyptian origins or gypsy ancestry. But most serious sources say the roots of these symbolic cards can be traced to traditional playing cards. The predecessors of the playing cards we use today first migrated to Europe from Islamic countries around the 14th century. The suits used on these early cards were coins, cups, swords, and sticks. These suits are still used in the tarot deck but were changed to hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades by French cardmakers in the 15th century. The earliest deck of tarot cards was a hand-painted set created around 1440 for the Duke of Milan. They were used for a game similar to bridge and to create amusing poetry.

It wasn't until the 1700s that tarot cards became strongly connected to fortune telling or the occult. The writings of Antoine Court de Gebelin in 1781 were hugely influential on the image of the tarot deck. An amateur scholar, Gebelin suggested that the pictures on the tarot deck were related to occult Egyptian hieroglyphics. While the Rosetta Stone later proved him wrong, the idea stuck, and other occult writers and tarot-card artists expanded on Gebelin's Egyptian interpretation.

Tarot divination gained in popularity during the 19th century, probably spurred on by a growing interest in all types of spiritualism. The Waite-Smith tarot deck, created in 1909, is often considered the "standard" deck, although the symbols are more a product of the late Victorian age than the Italian Renaissance (much less ancient Egypt). These days, you can find a tarot deck in any style or theme conceivable. We'll leave the mystical interpretations up to you.



In Response to: "I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

Marcus Brigstocke

DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE


Received from: Ollie { Readers' Rating: -17.24% } { Total votes: 29 }
Q: When may a chair be said to dislike you?

A: When it cannot bear you.

*
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11.01.2004

arizona humor Happy to be here!




Good-day happy people!

It's been a pleasure finding my peaceful gentle ways into the famous Arizona humorous jokes' club, filled with friends. In the great journey of life, laughter and jokes can be the perfect medicine above all. Let the good times roll!
Regards,
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Subject: Halloween puns

Now Gail is a heckuva Ghostess
I say this but then I can boastess
She'll come up and coo,
Well, how do you 'boo'
She is the Ghostess with the Mostess


Where do they cremate seductive women? On vamp pyres.

Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?
He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop
through its heart because steaks were too expensive.

What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts? A Scare-ousel

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire
play baseball? It was his bat.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.

Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

A really old vampire named "Tex"
Is "out for blood" and I suspects
He's not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It's you who will likely be necks

One witch told another witch,
"I want one of those new computers that
has a spell checker."

Goosebumps, the children's periodical by R. L. Stine,
is getting stranger every issue. The current story
is about the souls of dead turkeys returning to
Plymouth on Thanksgiving Eve and playing pranks in
the Puritan's kitchens. It is entitled Poultrygeist.

What do you get if you cross a mad scientist
with another mad scientist?
A horrible par a dox

What do you call someone who puts poison
in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.




Special thanks to Fiona for these wonderful puns!

*******************************************************************


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arizona humor Politics... : )




Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said; "If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 10-29-04



GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-29-04

THE GROANERS

Bill Gorman sat at the bar with his friend. "My new novel is almost
complete. But I have to find a way to 'dispose of' the mad scientist.
"There's no way any of the characters can knock him off, so I'll accept
some sort of deus-ex-machina solution. But I've tried several and I'm
not happy with the way any of them turns out." "Why not an aneurism?"
asked Paul. "Not bad," Bill replied. "Hmmm... a stroke of genius." (Bob
Dvorak)

My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs
surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no
insurance, though, and the cost is WAY too much for him. He does have
a way out, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the
operation, but only if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years
older than him! You could call it a wife or deaf situation. (Joan
DeGrave)

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide
pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar
across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No
one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the
guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days." (Marty Dee)

"My insurance company paid me $2,000 because I fractured my arm and
couldn't work for six months. Then they paid $3,000 because I
fractured my leg and couldn't walk for two months." "You always get all
the lucky breaks!" (Phill Rock)

One day Jill was enjoying a somewhat fattening snack when John
remarked, "You're getting a little broad across the beam." Jill
promptly went on a diet. A few weeks and several lost pounds later,
John commented, "You should stop losing weight, Jill. Your face is
beginning to look wrinkled." "John," came the frustrated reply, "you
had better make up your mind which part of me you enjoy viewing more -
heads or tails." (Phill Rock)

The other day, I went to a local high class dinner place. Once there I
showed the doorman my driver's license and a wheel off my specialty
sports wheelchair I keep in my trunk. He was puzzled and asked what the
wheel was for,. I said, "The guy on the radio said you were checking
ID's and a tire." (Marsha Coleman)

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into
the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to
have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey
to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet
and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the
sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This
worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had
become.... a cigarette lighter. (Stan Kegel)

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-
garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be
delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup
truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes
best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!
That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers. (Dr. Jake
Katz)

The president of a big bank fell off a seagoing yacht. While his
friends frantically sought a life preserver, a sailor shouted, "Hey,
can you float alone?" "Of course I can," gasped the floundering banker,
"but this is a hell of a time to talk business." (John S. Crosbie)

A car broke down on the expressway. The driver pulled now desperate, they go to the next
stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly." Hearing this,
one of the men turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
(John Craggs)

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. his opponent had
sliced off both of his arms. nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking
and biting as furiously as he could. but when his opponent lopped off
both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was
both unarmed and defeated. (Fred Barling)

The chef at a family-run restaurant had to have her left leg amputated
below the knee. She came into our insurance office to file a disability
claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason
unable to work," she had written, "Can't stand to cook."

Those seeking to destroy "traditional" marriage celebrated another
victory in Vermont recently, as plural marriages joined hetero-and
same-sex marriages as being legally permitted under state law. Among
the first to seek a new plural weeding license were the partnership of
Saturday Night Live humorist Jack Handy, 'Lil Abner cartoonist Al Capp,
retired talk show host Jack Paar, and horror novelist Stephen King.
Critics say that the Handy-Capp-Paar-King marriage is simply a bid for
specially-recognized social status. (Marsha Coleman)

As many of you know, my family is in the apartment business. Recently
we put out a sign on the street to advertise our vacancy. It says
"Model Open - Come on in" A customer came by recently wanting to meet
our "model" and wanted to know exactly what sort of things she was open
to. I'm thinking about changing the sign to read. "We now have a large
unit, ask about our package deal (Gary Hallock)

Years ago, I worked briefly for a dog breeder. She was a real bitch a
big husky gal who wouldn't take Shi-tzu's from anybody. She was
constantly hounding me about putting out the chow too early saying it
would rottweiler dogs were out exercising. I really wanted to boxer
ears and maybe even make the Doberman pinscher, but instead I tried to
setter down and give her some pointers about dealing with people. Well,
when I tried to do this, she got really mad and spitz in my face. After
that I decided to walk out, leaving her and her son Kenny to run the
business. Maybe Kennel have better luck with her! (Paul Cooper)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis. (Terry Galen)

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform. "I'm assuming
this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked. The
waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."(Robert Byron)

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's
outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With
his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in
front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor,
rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder.
Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out
and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man
walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself.
Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the
doctors what was ailing the man. The doctor shrugged and said....
"nothing big, just minstrel cramps." (Fred Barling)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

My neph better." (Jill K.)

My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks
ago. Somehow they got lost. (Uncle Joe swears it had nothing to do with
the large quantities of alcohol consumed...) Uncle Joe reassured his
buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air
three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us." They shot in
the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it
again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba
said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."
(Gard Webster)

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my
tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got
nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you
to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice
cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here
for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa,
good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a
year." (Bob Levi)

Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one
afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks
ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me
to procure customers for her." "Just a minute," Gladstone protested.
"You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine
in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake." "No mistake," came
the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making." (Mickey
Hennigan)

On New York's Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a
militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because,
despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely
secular. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the
way Dad, do you know what 'Trinity' means? It means the Father, the Son
and the Holy Ghost." The father can barely control his rage. He seizes
his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you
something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God.
AND we don't believe in Him!" (Gail S. Angel)

A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry,
you can't sell that stuff without a license." The peddler replied, "I
knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason." (Laff A Day)

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in
movies?" "I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up
in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
(Shelley)



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VOTER INTIMIDATION

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10.31.2004

arizona humor Card dog...



A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men
and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with
extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestory/
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 10-27-04



SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-27-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Alcohol: A liquid that will preserve everything except secrets
(Leopold Fechtner)

Alimony: A contraction of "all his money." (Helen Hoke)

Forger: A person who writes things you can't bank on (Lee Daniel Quinn)

Cleavage: The Parton of the ways. (Murray L. Bob)

Alarm clock: A device for awakening people who don't have small
children.

Anchor: A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at
inopportune or unexpected times. (Sandy Sibert)

Intern: Taken in the order recieved (Stan Kegel)

Castanet: Primitive fishing method. (Lars Hanson)

Lawnmower: Weapon of grass destruction. (Sandy Sibert)

Twister: In jail two times (Cynthia MacGregor)

Skeleton: Bones with the people off (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Lens Grinders: Weapons of glass production. (Sandy Sibert)

Hurricane: What they do in the sugar fields when they need to harvest
quickly. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Alternative: A person born during his parent's wedding ceremony. (John
S. Crosbie)

Minnehaha: a very, very small joke (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Cyclone - Seymour"s genetically induced exact copy (Cynthia MacGregor)

Subdivision: The guys on a U-boat who do math (Gary Hallock)

Bachelor: An unaltered male. (John S. Crosbie)

Braggart: someone who always puts his feats in his mouth (Kostick
Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Landscaper: The Loam Arranger. (Sandy Sibert)

Aversion: A white lie is AVERSION of the truth. (John S. Crosbie)

Assault: My doctor put me on ASSAULT free diet. (Stan Kegel)

Climate: Before you snowboard down that hill, you must first CLIMATE.
(Stan Kegel)

Cirrhosis: How dare you impugn those flowers' beauty? CIRRHOSIS are
classic! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Fornicate: Because she felt so bad about the way she'd treated him on
their previous date, FORNICATE bought a sexy new dress. (Gary Hallock)

Brothel: This BROTHEL help you sleep tonight. (Stan Kegel)

Violin: She wrote something really VIOLIN her book about me. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Dublin: If you can't get a buzz from a single shot of Irish whiskey,
try DUBLIN your order. (Gary Hallock)

Monumental: Love? Trust? Good times? MONUMENTAL those things to me and
more! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Curate: Radiation has a better CURATE than drugs for your type of
tumor. (Stan Kegel)

Carpenter: A housepainter charges by the room and a CARPENTER by the
vehicle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Benefactor: His fasting for a day before the fight might have
BENEFACTOR in his being knocked out. (Stan Kegel)

POETRY

THE 23RD PSALM ACCORDING TO PSYCHIATRY
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers
or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with
affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I
will maintain contact with reality.
For my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my
Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function
of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically
secure forever.
(Author Unknown)

Fancy funerals
Are fine for most people, but
C And wait for the pitch to synch in.
(Bob Dvorak)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)

"I can't eat another thing" Tom said fully. (Jesse James)

"The bank doesn't want me as a customer," said Tom unaccountably. (Stan
Kegel)

"I'll have to take the telegrapher's test again," said Tom
remorsefully. (Richard Lederer)

"I got a parolee pregnant," Tom conceded: (David Reihmer).

"I'd like another portion," said Tom morally. (Bob Dvorak)

"This boat leaks, " said Tom balefully. (Sandy Sibert)

"Their first check bounced so I had to get a replacement," Tom
recollected. (Stan Kegel)

"Who poked this stick in my eye?" Tom said pointedly. (Mick Olah)

"I won't wear anything unless it is sewn with extra strong thread," Tom
said superstitchiously. (Stan Kegel)

"The cat seems happy now that he's been fed," said Tom purposefully.
(Simon Champion)

"Delilah has cut my hair!" said Samson, somewhat distressed. (Paul
Dickson)

"I don't know what I want on my tombstone," Tom replied gravely.
(Sandy Sibert)

"Ha, ha! I've escaped from your manacles," said Tom in an off-the-cuff
manner. (Simon Champion)

"I can't see three feet ahead of me in this fog," said Tom, looking
mystified. (Stan Kegel)

"You know, this magnet really works!" Tom said ironically. (Paul
Dickson)

"My bicycle wheel is melting," Tom spoke softly. (Simon Champion)

"The shipment is sixteen ounces short," Tom expounded. (Stan Kegel)

"Will you many me?" Tom asked with courtly gestures. (Paul Dickson)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." (Eric Hodgson)

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up
from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News)

Sick Doctor Claims His Patients Are Ill-Advised (Mike Kramer)

Man Booked For Wreckless Driving (Richard Lederer)

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven
Register)

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." (Eric Hodgson)

In Frank Washburn's column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified
as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter. (Richard Lederer)

An Associated Press typographical error caused a mid-west announcer to
read this unusual story to his listeners: "Many clergymen feel the
recent avalanche of obscene material is a treat to young children ...
I'm sorry ... that's a threat to young children!" (Kermit Schafer)

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that
Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been
trap shooting. (Richard Lederer)

You have just heard the news from in and around the nation ... and now
to Pauline Fredericks for the latest news from a broad! (Kermit
Schafer)

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental. (Richard Lederer)

A confused hockey announcer on CBS's "Game of The Week" blurted out
this startling bit of information: "I think he got the stick in the
nose. He broke his nose earlier, and it looks as though it's the same
nose that he injured before." (Kermit Schafer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Sign outside a kosher fishmonger: Yum Kipper (Jason Dias)

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." (Irene Writer needed to plagiarize novels-Job includes work as a copy
editor. (Anna Kostick)

Rev. Jarvis has spoken in the largest Baptist churches in America. To
miss hearing him will be the chance of a lifetime! (Phill Rock)

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to
the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" (Irene Ariel Mystery)

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your
warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television
advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware
is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

URGENTLY WANTED, BY MACHINE TOOL FACTORY Male parts handlers. Box 132
(Phill Rock)






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arizona humor Heat



There is a head-on collision on the highway 10 near Palm Springs and
two young men vacationing from Boston are killed and end up in Hell.

The next day, the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them
dressed in warm clothes with a heavy coat, ski cap and mittens warming
themselves around the fire.

The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you
here in Hell?"

One of the men answers, "You know the weather has been quite warm in
Southern California and we would have expected it to be as least as
worm here."

This gets the Devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

The next morning, people are wailing and screaming every where because
of the intense heat.

He rushes to the room with the two guys and finds them dressed as they
were before still sitting by the fire and seeming to have a good time.

The Devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two
seem to be enjoying yourself."

"Well, actually it is more comfortable than the heat wave we were
having back in California," is the response.

Now the devil is now absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. "No matter how hot I make it,
these men seem very comfortable. They must be comfortable because they
are used to the heat," he decides. "I'll fix them. I'll turn the heat
completely off."

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
every where, people are shivering unable to get themselves warm,

The Devil smiles and rushes to the room with the two lads. When he
gets there, he finds them still dressed in their winter clothes but now
they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad.

The Devil is dumb-founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're even more happy.
What is wrong with you two?

The Bostonians look at the Devil and answer, "Hell is frozen over.
That means that the Red Sox have won the World Series. The Curse is
over." (Stan Kegel 10/27/04)


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arizona humor Humor Quotes from Zaraskitchentops



From: Zaraskitchentops@aol.com
Date: Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:29am
Subject: QUOTES + HUMOUR


Humour

"A person without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road."
Henry Ward Beecher

"Humour is just another defence against the universe."
Mel Brooks



"Optimism and humour are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity. "
Philip Butler

"A sense of humour is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done."
Dwight D. Eisenhower



"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."
Rhonda Hansome



"Humour is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood."
Mary Hirsch



"On average, children laugh 400 times per day. Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day. The difference why adults laugh so much less - because adults have children!"
Jay Leno



"Humour is reason gone mad."
Groucho Marx

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is. " Horace Walpole

"Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows." Jennifer Unlimited
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