Funny Jokes

7.01.2005

Arizona News

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

Fourth of July

On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, starting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation. As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and backyard barbecues across the country.

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

296.5 million:

Projected number of U.S. residents on this July 4th. Back in July 1776, there were about 2.5 million people living in the colonies. (2005 population from unpublished data; 1776 population from Historical Statistics of the United States: Colonial Times to 1970.)

The Fourth of July Cookout: 150 million


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[ funny jokes ] Pun-Nee!


1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"


5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping that one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/


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[ funny jokes ] Independence Day in the USA

Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

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6.30.2005

[ funny jokes ] Good Housekeeping Tip


Good Housekeeping Tip:

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....

So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

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[ funny jokes ] How's your marksmanship?

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition
to counter this danger, as several men had already been
bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a
sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the
box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The
note said, "I missed!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

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6.29.2005

[ funny jokes ] Guvmint workers...

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

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6.28.2005

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

Fourth of July

On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, starting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation. As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and backyard barbecues across the country.

Fourth of July 2005 Facts and Figures

296.5 million:

Projected number of U.S. residents on this July 4th. Back in July 1776, there were about 2.5 million people living in the colonies. (2005 population from unpublished data; 1776 population from Historical Statistics of the United States: Colonial Times to 1970.)

The Fourth of July Cookout: 150 million

Number of hot dogs (all varieties) expected to be consumed by Americans on the Fourth. (That's one frankfurter for every two people.) There's about a 1-in-4 chance that the hot dogs made of pork originated in Iowa, as the Hawkeye State had a total inventory of 16.2 million hogs and pigs on March 1, 2005. This represents more than one-fourth of the nation's total. (Data on hot dog consumption courtesy of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council.)

7.3 billion pounds:

Total production of cattle and calves in Texas in 2004. Chances are that the beef hot dogs, steaks and burgers on your backyard grill came from the Lone Star State, which accounted for over one-sixth of the nation's total production.

Fourth of July Celebration in Gatlinburg Tennessee Includes the Nation's First 4th of July Parade and last 4th of July Fireworks Show

6:

Number of states in which the revenue from chicken broilers was $1 billion or greater in 2004. There is a good chance that one of these states Georgia, Arkansas, Alabama, North Carolina, Mississippi or Texas is the source of your barbecued chicken.


Better than 50-50:

The odds that the beans in your side dish of baked beans came from North Dakota, Michigan or Nebraska, which produced 58 percent of the nation's dry, edible beans in 2004. Another popular July 4th side dish is corn on the cob. California and Florida together accounted for about 45 percent of the value of sweet corn produced nationally in 2004.

One-half:

Amount of the nation's spuds produced in Idaho or Washington in 2004. Potato salad and potato chips are also popular food items at July 4th barbecues.

Nearly 69 million:

Number of Americans who said they have taken part in a barbecue during the previous year. It's probably safe to assume a lot of these events took place on Independence Day. See Table 1238, 2004-2005 edition:


Fireworks: $164.2 million

The value of fireworks imported from China in 2004, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imports ($172.5 million). U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, came to just $14.3 million in 2004, with Japan purchasing more than any other country ($4.7 million).

$17.3 million:

The value of U.S. manufacturers' shipments of fireworks in 2002.

Fourth of July Celebration in Gatlinburg Tennessee Includes the Nation's First 4th of July Parade and last 4th of July Fireworks Show - Yahoo! News


Flags: $5.2 million

The dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags in 2004; the vast majority of this amount ($4.8 million) was for U.S. flags made in China.

$851,000:

Dollar value of U.S. flag exports in 2004. Mexico was the leading customer, purchasing $312,000 worth.

$349 million:

An Gatlinburg Cabins

Coming to America: 34 million

The number of foreign-born residents in the United States in 2004; they accounted for 12 percent of the nation's total population. Another 30 million Americans were "second- generation," meaning that at least one of their parents was born abroad.

53 percent:

Percentage of the nation's foreign-born population born in Latin America, as of 2004.


Fourth of July Celebration in Gatlinburg Tennessee Includes the Nation's First 4th of July Parade and last 4th of July Fireworks Show

706,000:

Number of immigrants granted legal permanent residence in the United States during fiscal year 2003. One in four settled in California, and 1-in-10 in the New York metro area.

463,000:

Number of people who became naturalized U.S. citizens during fiscal 2003. Mexico contributed the highest number of naturalized citizens in 2003 (56,100), followed by India (29,800), the Philippines (29,100), Vietnam (26,000) and China (24,000).


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Fourth of July 2005

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6.27.2005

[ funny jokes ] Kids Say the darndest things...


Say Your Prayers

UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her
father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his
sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

EXPRESS PRAYER Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer
over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather
(to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a
gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't
pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was
a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you
do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... and just
then He did!"

TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor >>> asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

THE BLESSING My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear >>> Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"

BEWARE OF TRASH One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our
'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody,
would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to
bless >>> every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end,
my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,
at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thelly, the Storylady, C

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