[ funny jokes ] The Scots...

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the
boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'.... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was
thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit
more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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[ funny jokes ] Dead Horse Theory

Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to
dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more
advanced
strategies are often employed, such as

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in
an army
of consultants to over study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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Worldwide Cookbooks - World Wide Cook Books. Cookery Books, Recipes Books

Motorola RAZR V3
Motorola RAZR V3

RAZR now available at T-Mobile

Free RAZR Phone with rebates at Amazon - limited time - Motorola RAZR Cell Phone Now at T-Mobile USA



Free RAZR Phone - Motorola RAZR Cell Phone Now at T-Mobile USA

RAZR

Free Motorola RAZR Phone (after all rebates.)

World Renowned Motorola RAZR Debuts at T-Mobile USA
One of the Most In-Demand, Design-Forward Mobile Phones is Now Available at T-Mobile USA

Appealing to fashionistas and techno-enthusiasts, Motorola, Inc. (NYSE: MOT - News), a global leader in wireless communications, and T-Mobile USA, Inc. today announced the introduction of the Motorola RAZR at T-Mobile retail stores and authorized dealers, as well as online at http://www.t-mobile.com .

Coupling a beautiful design with rich functionality including Bluetooth® wireless technology, integrated camera, impressive large color display and bold sound quality, the Motorola RAZR enhances consumers' mobile style with T-Mobile's Get More® wireless service.

"The ultra-slim silhouette of the Motorola RAZR has become a global symbol for mobile innovation," said Wayne White, vice president of sales for Motorola, Mobile Devices. "With impressive success in the marketplace to-date, it is our pleasure to work with T-Mobile to offer premium connectivity and design to T-Mobile customers."

John Clelland, senior vice president of segment marketing for T-Mobile USA said, "Consumers can now purchase the head-turning Motorola RAZR, and along with it, benefit from T-Mobile's Get More® promise of more minutes, features and service. We're excited to further extend our innovative device offerings with this stylish wafer-thin mobile."

The Motorola RAZR excels in design craftsmanship with luxurious metallic finishes and a chemically etched keypad made from a single sheet of nickel- plated copper alloy.

The Motorola RAZR has garnered praise and admiration from consumers and the design industry alike. Most significantly, the handset received a coveted Gold Award in the annual Industrial Design Excellence Awards (IDEAs). Sponsored by BusinessWeek and run independently by the Industrial Designers Society of America (IDSA), a nonprofit association representing the profession of industrial design, the competition encourages corporations from around the globe to showcase their most significant design innovations. This year's contest received 1,380 entries and gave out 148 awards, including only 38 of the honored Golds.

Biotech News

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING SO FAST..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... (Seen Upside Down On A
Jeep)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head.

[ funny jokes ] Where are all the Americans?

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United

States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street

and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!" But the

passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".



The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for

having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says

"I no American, I Vietnamese."



The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he

stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful

America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am

not an American!"



He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an

American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"



So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The

Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at

work."

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
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[ funny jokes ] Final exams...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over
each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row
because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus,
species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could
anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their
legs?"

With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and
walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class
was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the
student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister,
what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You
guess, buddy! You guess!"

Author: Joshua David Houchin

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

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Ahwatukee Foothills

Ahwatukee Foothills
Ahwatukee Foothills

Ahwatukee-Foothills Comedy Club
June 18 , 2005 by Kathleen Gorden


"Who says you can't have fun in Ahwatukee?"

Ahwatukee-Foothills Comedy Club is pleased to provide you with the biggest night of comedy in the history of Ahwatukee!

July is National Ice Cream Month - The Taste of Summer

The Taste of Summer

Calling all ice cream lovers. July is National Ice Cream Month and Cold Stone Creamery is introducing 5 new flavors, plus giving ice cream lovers a chance to win free ice cream for a year.

July is National Ice Cream Month


ANCHOR LEAD: Do you love ice cream? How would you like to get free ice cream for a year? Brian Osuch has more. (: 60)

SCRIPT: Lifestyles, I'm Brian Osuch. Calling all ice cream lovers. July is National Ice Cream Month and Cold Stone Creamery is introducing 5 new flavors, plus giving ice cream lovers a chance to win free ice cream for a year. Tastemaster Ray Karam:

CUT: (Karam) This Saturday, July 2nd between 10am and Noon, every Cold Stone Creamery will be offering samples of our 5 fabulous new flavors including Wasabi Ginger, Fruity Cereal, Black Licorice, Oatmeal Cookie Batter and Tangerine Sorbet. Plus, every store will be giving away one certificate good for ice cream for a year, but you must be present to win.

SCRIPT: Available only during the month of July, Karam says these flavors were inspired by the playfulness of summer.

CUT: (Karam) It was a thrill developing these flavors and I'm excited to hear the reactions of ice cream aficionados across the country. Also, we've developed some great summer ice cream recipes using these flavors available at coldstonecreamery.com.

SCRIPT: That's Lifestyles from Cold Stone Creamery. I'm Brian Osuch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Produced for: Cold Stone Creamery

Famous Quotes
Health Books
Healthy Smoking
chicken recipes
World Famous Recipes

[ funny jokes ] The Test

An old country preacher had a teen-age son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.
Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what
he wanted to do-and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of Tennessee
sippin' whiskey... "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll
just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school
this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he
picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be O.K. too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame
that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's
footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.
He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he
turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. He picked
up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar
and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a politician!"

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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[ funny jokes ] For the pet lovers

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted
son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have
young, you can sell the results.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
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BillBoard - The Board for Bill Austin stuff: Patricia Morrison - Patricia B. Morrison Appointed as Motorola Chief Information Officer

Patricia Morrison - Patricia B. Morrison Appointed as Motorola Chief Information Officer


Motorola, Inc. (NYSE: MOT - News) today announced that Patricia B. Morrison has been appointed senior vice president and chief information officer, effective 25 July.

Patricia Morrison will oversee all strategic, operational and financial aspects of the company's information technology architecture, systems, tools, processes and infrastructure. She will report to Ed Zander, chairman and chief executive officer.



Phoenix Arizona
Science Fairs
High Tech
Biotech
Patricia Morrison
Motorola Chief Information Officer
Patricia Morrison

[ funny jokes ] Heart Attack (humor)

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart
attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the
emergency room. After what seemed like a very long
wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and
a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is
dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against
her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in
the family before!"

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Auntie Belham's Realty & Nightly Rentals

Auntie Belham's Realty & Nightly Rentals
Auntie Belham's Realty & Nightly Rentals

Healthy Smoking

Improve Your Health

Healthy Smoking Improve Your Health While You Smoke

• Healthy Smoking Improve Your Health While You Smoke
• Healthy Smoking Improve Your Health While You Smoke
• Healthy Smoking Improve Your Health While You Smoke
• Healthy Smoking - Food is Your Fuel
• Healthy Smoking - Natural Care
• Healthy Smoking - Basic Exercise
• Healthy Smoking - Recipes for a Vital You
• Healthy Smoking - Stop Smoking in 48 Hours
• Healthy Smoking - Glossary of Knowledge
• Healthy Smoking - Back Cover
• Healthy Smoking - About the Author
• Healthy Smoking - Press Release
• Healthy Smoking - Store
• Healthy Smoking - Resources
• Healthy Smoking - Weblog
• Healthy Smoking - Contact Us

[ funny jokes ] With Friends Like That

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going
to steal Joe!"

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[ funny jokes ] Fixing Signs

Fixing Signs

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some
road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The
first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a
blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been
waiting to cross?"

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