funny jokes

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[ funny jokes ] Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

[ funny jokes ] The race horse

funny-jokes

[ funny jokes ] The race horse

The race horse

Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?"
they asked.

"Not a bit," said the owner.

"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you
never raced him before?"

"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "We couldn't even
catch the critter until he was five years old."

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[ funny jokes ] Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ½ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's
still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
-- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.

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Funny Quotes

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[ funny jokes ] Client Confusion

Client Confusion

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the
following discussion took place.

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you
want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful
conversation with that woman."

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[ funny jokes ] Not Bottle Babies

Not Bottle Babies

THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and
said, "Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins." Mr. Brown
grinned. "How about that--I work for the Minnesota Twins."

A little later, the nurse came back and said, "Mr. Green, you are
the father of triplets." Mr. Green beamed. "Well wouldn't you just
know it," he said. "I work for 3M."

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and
passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the
nurse revived him. "Are you all right?" she asked. "I'm not sure,"
the fellow admitted. "You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!"

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Something Smells Fishy

DID YOU HEAR about the man who fashions purses out of dried fish
skins? He's the only guy we know of who's in the business of carp to
carp walleting.

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Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson

Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson to visit service members and their families.

Warner Bros. Pictures and the USO Treat Marines at Miramar to Screening of 'The Dukes of Hazzard' and Stars' Visit

Marines and Sailors stationed at Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, Calif., will be treated to a visit by Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson July 29, courtesy of the USO and Warner Bros. Pictures. The pair will host a free screening of their new movie, "The Dukes of Hazzard," and spend time with service members and their families.

Once on base, Nelson and Simpson will tour facilities, visit spouses and children of deployed military members, pose for pictures and shake hands with military personnel. After a question-and-answer session about the film, the stars will introduce "The Dukes of Hazzard." Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott will join Simpson to visit troops July 26 at Robins Air Force Base, Ga., and July 27 at Fort Hood, Texas.

Based on the hit television series, "The Dukes of Hazzard" follows cousins Bo (Scott) and Luke Duke (Knoxville) on a mission to save their family farm from Hazzard County's corrupt county commissioner Boss Hog (Burt Reynolds). With the help of their eye-catching cousin Daisy (Simpson) and moonshine- running Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson), the boys attempt to stay one step ahead of the law in their famed 1969 Dodge Charger, nicknamed "The General Lee." The film is scheduled to hit theaters Aug. 5.

Simpson has participated on several USO tours, including a trip to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Oman and ships stationed in Southwest Asia shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. In April 2004, she headlined the 4th Infantry Division and Task Force Iron Horse "Welcome Home" celebration at Fort Hood, Texas. Earlier this year, Simpson and husband Nick Lachey visited troops in Germany and Iraq.

About the USO: For more than 64 years, the USO (United Service Organizations) has been providing morale and recreation-type services to U.S. military personnel and their families. The USO is a nonprofit, charitable organization, relying on the generosity of the American people to support its programs and services. The USO is supported by World Partners Anheuser-Busch Companies, AT&T Corporation, Avon Products, Inc., BAE SYSTEMS, Bass Pro Shops, Clear Channel Communications, The Coca-Cola Company, Computer Systems Center, Inc., Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies, Inc., Lockheed Martin Corporation, Military Channel, Morgan Stanley, National Football League, TriWest Healthcare Alliance. Other organizations, including the United Way and Combined Federal Campaign (CFC-0600), have joined thousands of individual donors to support the USO. For more information on the USO, please visit our Web site at http://www.uso.org.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: USO

Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson

Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson

[ funny jokes ] Listen to the Doctor

Listen to the Doctor

HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When
Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn't
move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, "Why, this
man's dead!"

At that, Hank's eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, "I ain't
dead!" Lizzie hushed him up. "Now, Hank, you be quiet," she
scolded. "Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do."

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Test of Strength

BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would
listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until
a stranger piped up. "I'll wager you $50 I can push something in a
wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won't be able to wheel it back,"
the stranger said.

Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn't much of a
challenge. "I'll take you on," he replied. They borrowed a
wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. "Let's see what
you're made of," Bill taunted. "Okay," the stranger answered matter-
of-factly. "Get in."

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[ funny jokes ] Temperature's Rising

Temperature's Rising

TWO good ol' boys were discussing the summer heat. "It's been so hot
at my place that I've had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs," said one.

"That's nothin'," said the other. "This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking."

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Tater Talk

A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he had an excellent crop--in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to display them in his storefront window.

A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a bushel of those potatoes. "I can't sell you a bushel," the owner replied. "I'm not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!"

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[ funny jokes ] What do you call ...

What do you call an "emergency TV weather bulletin" warning folks of
an approaching lightning storm?

A Hot News Flash!

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[ funny jokes ] Quotable Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon; Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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For Quiet Moments http://ww

[ funny jokes ] Night out?

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive....

So I took her to a gas station!

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[ funny jokes ] Blonde again

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

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[ funny jokes ] Just to mull over in your spare time

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Curious in Cardiff by the Sea,

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[ funny jokes ] Some sermons are like that!

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

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[ funny jokes ] Pretty blonde...

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

from http://www.GCFL.net

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Teen Hairstyles - Hairstyles for Teens

Teen Hairstyles

[ funny jokes ] What a relief!

Well, thank goodness for this explanation. I am glad to know my problem is solved.

" We all get heavier as we get older because,
there's a lot more information in our heads."

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

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