Funny Jokes

8.27.2005

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8.26.2005

[ funny jokes ] Cutely Quotes

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"There are only two things a child will share willingly --
communicable diseases and his mother's age."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're
skeptical." (Charles Schultz)

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)

"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than
dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New
York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever
done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more
intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."
(Douglas Adams)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the
driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)

"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."

"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
 
 

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8.25.2005

[ funny jokes ] Carving



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Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while
commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take
them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together
again."
 
 

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[ funny jokes ] A visit to the asylum



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A visit to the asylum...
 
  During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
 
  "Well," said the Director,  "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to  the patient and ask the patient to empty the
  bathtub."
 
  1. Would you use the spoon?
 
  2. Would you use the teacup?
 
  3. Would you use the bucket?
 
  "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  

.
  .
 "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
 
 

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8.24.2005

[ funny jokes ] Tossing wine...



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A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about
his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,"
the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been
treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done
a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man
a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then
he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of
good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
 
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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8.23.2005

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[ funny jokes ] Oh, Gramma



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A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
 
 
 
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8.22.2005

Barbeque Recipes - Bar-B-Que - Barbecue Recipes - World Famous barbecue Recipes

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[ funny jokes ] Breakfast time...



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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY?

"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."

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[ funny jokes ] Grace Allen One Liners



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Appliance salesman:  You'll like this range. For instance, you
put in a roast, you set the oven control, then you go out all
day. When you come home at night, the roast is done.
Gracie:  Haven't you got one where I don't have to go out?

My sister had a baby. I can't wait to find out if I'm an aunt
or an uncle.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was
so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a
year and a half.

In the next life, I'd like to come back as an oyster. Then
I'd only have to be good from September to April.

George:  Gracie, what do you think of television?
Gracie:  Oh I think it's wonderful, I hardly ever watch
radio anymore.
 
 
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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8.21.2005

[ funny jokes ] Life or Death Issue



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Life or Death Issue

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing
parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

"You gotta help me find my parrot!" she said.

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that,
ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be
concerned.  "The parrot should fly back in a few days." he said.

Full of desperation, the lady cried, "But you don't understand!
The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty!!!'"
 


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[ funny jokes ] Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over
and under one another, in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the untreated ones.

I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head
when I had finished. The wet heads were treated, and the dry heads were
next.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my otherwise talkative client had grown
silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered,

"I didn't know they had to be baptized!"

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[ funny jokes ] Stop or slow down

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


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[ funny jokes ] Blonde Guy


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 An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building."
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.
 
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
 
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
 
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. The blonde's wife
 
said,  "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
 



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