Funny Jokes

9.02.2005

[ funny jokes ] Twins



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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so joyfully, but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
 
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
 
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
 
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and then she told me. "I am pregnant."
 
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for quite a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
 
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." Puzzled I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
 
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
 
She said, .......................................
 

(You're going to love this!)
 

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
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[ funny jokes ] American Voters

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American Voters

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time),
she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . .She
also votes!
_____
I used to work in technical support for a 24 x 7 call center. One day I got
a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." . . . . . . He also votes!.
___

My colleague & I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard 1
of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend
drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd
get sunburned because the car was moving." . . . . She also votes!
_____

My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . . . . . My
friend also votes!
_____

My friends & I were on a pie run & noticed that the cases were discounted
10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 pie's. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% & gave us a 20% discount. . . . He also votes!
_____

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. .
. . . My friend also votes!
_____

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last
week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk
didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If
that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey.". . .
The clerk also votes!
_____

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
. . . . . She also votes

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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[ funny jokes ] Three Little Pigs

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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big bowl of oatmeal," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why
have you only ordered
beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee,
all the way home!"

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9.01.2005

[ funny jokes ] Golf Lesson



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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said,
"Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the
fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the
hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh...
you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro
finally said after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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8.31.2005

[ funny jokes ] Recently, I was diagnosed



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Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
 ... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and  decide my car needs            washing.
 ... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought  up from the mail box earlier.
 ... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
 ... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the  table, and notice that the can is full.
 ... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I  think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I takeout the garbage anyway, I may  as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only  1 check left.
 ... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house  to my desk  where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
 ... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't  accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should  put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
 ... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches  my eye--they need to be watered.  I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover  my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
 ... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set  the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot  the TV remote.  Someone left it on the kitchen table.  I realize that tonight when we go  to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the  kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water  the flowers.  I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.  So,  I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
 ... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
 ... At the end of the day:

       *          the car isn't washed
       *    & because I  know I was busy all day long, and I'm really  tired.
 ... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check
     my e-mail.
 ... Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,   because I don't  remember to whom it has been sent.
 
 


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[ funny jokes ] Hitchiker



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This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.   Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, Pedro. That's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

 



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[ funny jokes ] Return policy



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Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
 
 


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8.30.2005

[ funny jokes ] The Old Poodle



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I love the moral of this story....
 
 
 

The Old Poodle
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
 
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
 
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
 
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
 
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
 
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
 
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8.29.2005

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A Southerner Knows ...

A Southerner knows how many collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

A Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."

A Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -
as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a
plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato
salad.

Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
"right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that
"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20 of 'em.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that fixin' can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

A Southerner knows that when you say "crack" the window
you mean open the window up (in the house) or roll it down
(in the car).

In the South, 'y'all' is singular....'all y'all" is plural.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities
at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You
just say "Bless her heart" and go your own way.



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8.28.2005

[ funny jokes ] Don't blame me, it's French!

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A thief in Paris almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre, but was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a bold crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

 

Oh boy, and you thought I lacked DeGaulle to tell you a story like that!.






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[ funny jokes ] Conflicting Proverbs

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More ironic than funny...

Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

     Look before you leap.
     He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

     A silent man is a wise one.
     A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

     Clothes make the man.
     Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

     The bigger, the better.
     The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

     What will be, will be.
     Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

     What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
     One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

     The more, the merrier.
     Two's company; three's a crowd.
 
 
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