Funny Jokes

9.10.2005

[ funny jokes ] Heaven



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The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

 

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion. furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

 

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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[ funny jokes ] Skim milk



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To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

 

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9.08.2005

Stranded

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning desert islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
-The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage a trois.
-The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
-The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking
and cleaning for them.
-The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
British woman.
-The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
-The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
-The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store,
restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.
-The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
-The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how
her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and
why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them
all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking
nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.



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9.07.2005

[ funny jokes ] Dinner party



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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was
giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the
spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was
worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up
another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her
concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the
guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the
guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want
to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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[ funny jokes ] The perfect husband



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The Perfect Husband
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone  on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
 
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
 
MAN: "Hello"
 
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
 
MAN: "Yes"
 
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather  coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
 MAN: "Sure,  go ahead if you like it that much."
 
WOMAN: "I also  stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one  I really liked."
 
MAN: "How much?"
 
WOMAN: "$60,000"
 
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the  options."
 
WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing ? The house we  wanted last year is?back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
 
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but  just offer $900,000."
 
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I  love you!"
 
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
 
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in  astonishment.
 
Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"??
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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9.05.2005

[ funny jokes ] Alabama humor



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Two nurses were helping an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of
his wheelchair at the Veteran's Hospital, when they noticed the man had a
tattoo on his knee.

"What's that?" asked one of the nurses, unable to make out the design.

"It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
 
(think back to old songs!)
 


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[ funny jokes ] Fresh air and sunshine



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You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
 
"I'm 78." The man said.
 
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
 
"Well," the man explained, "my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad with me, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."
 
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
 
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
 
 

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