Funny Jokes

10.08.2005

Blonde Farmers

Blonde Farmers

Two farmers (blondes, of course) had this mule that was a very hard
worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule
back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and
then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything. One day, the
farmers decided to cut a opening in the top of the stall, to
prevent this from happening.

While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they
were doing, so they explained the problem. The neighbor suggested
that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a
shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit.

The blondes thanked their neighbor and he drove off. Then the one
blonde said to the other, "That's some stupid neighbor we have,
it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"



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How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK

How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK

You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your
eMail
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD
You trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor
You start all your eMails with the words "Howdy!"
You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on
The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
You know that a 'network' has nothing to do with fishin'
Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT"
There's Bondo on your keyboard
You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music
tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood plank
fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your
truck







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The Saskatchewan Cow Story.....

The Saskatchewan Cow Story.....

The only cow in the small Canadian province of Alberta village stopped
giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy
a cow just across the border in Saskatchewan for $200. They bought the
cow and she was wonderful. She produced lots of milk all of the time and
the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull
to mate with her to produce more cows like her. Then they would never
have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
Finally, the cow came into heat. However, when the bull came close to
the cow, she would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his
quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was
very wise, what to do. They told him what was happening. "Whenever the
bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the
back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she
backs off...and if approached from the side she walks away to the other
side."

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,
buy this cow in Saskatchewan?" The people were astonished, since no one
had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise
vet," they said. "How in the world did you know we acquired this cow in
Saskatchewan?" The vet, with a distant look in his eye, simply replied,
"My wife is from Saskatchewan."





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Things *NOT* to do when seeing Lord Of The Rings:

Things *NOT* to do when seeing Lord Of The Rings:
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where
the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming,
"YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!" - After the movie, say
"Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time
someone says, "the Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your
lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off
someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep,"
Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and
shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien
about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the
theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame
of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander
around looking terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment
and shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby
and Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the
Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of
California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man!Charlotte's really let
herself go!"



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10.06.2005

Halloween Jokes



What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound


# # #

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!


# # #

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy


# # #

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.


# # #

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend


# # #

What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet


# # #

What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties


# # #

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula

# # #



Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

# # #

What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed


# # #


Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They're afraid of flying off the handle


# # #

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

Halloween Sayings




# # #

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !


# # #

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers

# # #

Halloween Movie Rules:


Halloween Movies Webring




# When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

# Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

# If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice,
more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that
you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving
fast enough to catch up with you.

# If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,
and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

# Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one),
the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

# Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

# If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

# Do not take *anything* from the dead.

# If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.

# Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.

# If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own,
shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

# When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

# As a general rule, don't solve pu # # #

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea


# # #

What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi


# # #

Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store


# # #

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office


# # #

What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster

# # #

Halloween Party


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband
did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the Halloween costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,
so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"


# # #

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch


# # #

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone


# # #

Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up


# # #

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line



Halloween Quotations


# # #

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs


# # #

What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghostcards


# # #

What is a ghost's favorite party game?
Hide-and-go-shriek


# # #

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties!


# # #

What did

# # #

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin


# # #

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

Ghoul-aid!!!


# # #
When does a ghost have breakfast?
In the moaning.


# # #
What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
Coffee with scream and sugar.


# # #
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch


# # #
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spookgetti



# # #
What's a ghosts favorite fruit?
Booberries.


# # #
What's a ghosts favorite desert?
Boo-berry pie.


# # #
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.


# # #
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
At the casketeria.


# # #
Why was the ghost such a messy eater?
Because he was always a goblin.


# # #
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.


# # #
What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
Wrap!


# # #
What song does Dracula hate?
"You Are My Sunshine"


# # #
What type of monster really loves dance music?
The boogieman!


# # #
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.


# # #
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.


# # #
What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
.Ghoul


# # #
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.


# # #
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.


# # #
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.


# # #
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty.


# # #
What kind of makeup do goblins wear?
mas-scare-a


# # #
Who was the most famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans


# # #
Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.


# # #
Where do most werewolves live?
Howllywood, California


# # #
Where do most goblins live?
North and South Scarolina


# # #
What do you call a little monsters parents
mummy and deady


# # #
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
sour-puss


# # #
What instrument do skellitens play?
Trom-BONE


# # #
Why did't the skelliten cross the road?

# # #
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life.





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10.05.2005

[ funny jokes ] 'Scuse Me...



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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date,
but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch
her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her
into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his
amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You
wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
 


Halloween Jokes

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10.04.2005

[ funny jokes ] Location, location, location



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A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman
was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement
tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says,
'HORSE for sale.'"
 


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10.02.2005

QuoteMedia

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SMS.AC

SMS.ac is coming to the fall career fair. | Society of Software Engineers

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