Funny Jokes

10.22.2005

Bill's Bitter Pills

Bill's Bitter Pills

Bill's Bitter Pills
A sarcastic, satirical, humorous blog about life as we know it.

Many of his stories are written from a humorous viewpoint.

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10.21.2005

[ funny jokes ] Logical Reasoning



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Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their
schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning
as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class
and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.

The teacher than proceeded to explain: "Do you have a weed
eater?"

"Yes," replied the guy.

"You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which
means you have a house, which means you have kids, which
means you have a wife, which means you're straight."

When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked
him what logical reasoning was about.

"Well," said the guy. "Do you have a weed eater?"

"No," replied the friend.
 
""Then you're gay!"

 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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10.20.2005

[ funny jokes ] Two Wishes



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Two Wishes


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich  behind him. 
 
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries  and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's  yours?" 
 "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 A short time later the waitress returns with the  order. "That will
be $9.40 please," and the  man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again  and the man says, "A  hamburger, fries, and a coke.  " The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks the waitress. 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a  steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.  "Same," says the ostrich. 
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,  "That will be
$32.62." 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.  The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 
 
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always  be there" 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
 million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you 
want for as long as you live!" 
 
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,  " says the man. 

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 
 
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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10.19.2005

Art Tugman Jokes

During a recent high profile cosmetics trial at a court house, to prevent a panel of peers from appearing partial, the jury was banned from wearing cologne. The judge was the only one who could keep, odor in the court.

9-26-05 Art Tugman

After taking all your One-a-day multiple vitamins, if you can't laugh at my jokes and you don't find them funny, you could be just a little bit, irony deficient.
- Art Tugman

I am trying to get my hen to hatch the perfect egg, but I may have to scramble if she can't get it to cackle.

-- Art Tugman


Everybody knows that the Big Bad Wolf is a fox, but, Little Red Riding Hood should be, because when she goes to the gym and works out and gets all buffed up, wow! She can blow anyone's red brick outhouse away.

-- Art Tugman

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[ funny jokes ] Potty Training in the Computer Age



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Little brother: What do I do now?

Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.

Little brother: Like this?

Big brother: Yeah.

Little brother: Now what?

Big brother: Hit "ENTER."

Little brother: "ENTER"?

Big brother: I mean "flush."

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10.18.2005

[ funny jokes ] How to...



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How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them
to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send
them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot
for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for
the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and
chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the
Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send
them to Marketing.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
 
 
 
 
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[ funny jokes ] Blonde



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Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!
 
 
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[ funny jokes ] Too Punny!



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Two farmers were discussing their problems. Farmer Bill said, "I've
got a couple of birds nesting in my horse's mane. I've tried to get rid
of them. But they just won't go away."
 
Farmer Joe thought for a minute and said, "Just sprinkle the horse's
mane with yeast."
 
"Yeast? Why yeast?" farmer Bill asked.
 
Farmer Joe responded, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the
mane shall tweet."
 
 
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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