Funny Jokes

11.11.2005

[ funny jokes ] The bathtub test...



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The Bathtub Test

 It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
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11.10.2005

[ funny jokes ] The Psych Hospital



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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
 
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
 
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
 
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."   "How soon can I go home?"
 
 
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[ funny jokes ] Point of view...



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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all
his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to
visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How
about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he
remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So
he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at
it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to
the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched
the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the
glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with."
 
 
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11.09.2005

[ funny jokes ] Military Chat...



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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself
with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an
intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded
by complex gear.

A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat
screen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy
information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."

Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's
screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The
colonel's on the way!"
 
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[ funny jokes ] Make it go, Grampa!



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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a
full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows
visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what
the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information
about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets
in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed
fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us
and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
 
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11.07.2005

[ funny jokes ] Eeeeks! It can happen!



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Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the
USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and
given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to
celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled
himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They
can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my
birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take
away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the
international date line -- and it was July 23.
 
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11.06.2005

[ funny jokes ] Senior Personal Ads



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Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
 
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4"
(used to be 5-6),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes
and belt a plus.
 
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
 
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
looking for someone to
round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a
problem.
 
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you
are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.
 
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flossier to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
 
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights
and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
 
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday
and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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