Funny Jokes

11.25.2005

[ funny jokes ] Late ones, but funny

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One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a
desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is
something wrong?"

"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story
is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

---

Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a
Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on
their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small
grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go
to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad
carrying that rifle?"

---

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands
of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And
then they discover that once a year is way too often.

---

Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thou
bless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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11.24.2005

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[ funny jokes ] 12 Reasons to be thankful you burned the turkey



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1. Salmonella won't be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain
newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular
workout.

9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and
play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely
he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
 
Seriously, we have a great deal to be thankful for in this country!
Count your blessings!
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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[ funny jokes ] Bilingual typist wanted...



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HELP WANTED


Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.


 
A short time time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manage.  He was surprised, to say the
least, to see a canine applicant.  However, the dog looked determined, so he
led him into the office.  Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at
the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you.  The sign says you must be able to
type."  The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly
type a perfect business letter.  He took out the page and trotted over to
the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm
sorry.  The sign clearly says that whomever I hire has to be good with a
computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate
his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and
database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded!  He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you
are a ! very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a
dog - no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw
at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says.  But
the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Meow."
 
 
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    11.23.2005

    [ funny jokes ] Lone Ranger and Tonto



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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially  billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
    Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

    Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chip. Someone has stolen  our tent."

     

     

    Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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    [ funny jokes ] Turkey Quiz



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    Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
    A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

    Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?
    A: He was stuffed!

    Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?
    A: Because he had the drumsticks!

    Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?
    A: The first time they heard America sneeze.

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Gladys.
    Gladys who?
    Gladys Thanksgiving!!!

    May your stuffing be tasty;
    May your turkey be plump,
    May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,
    May your yams be delicious,
    May your pies take the prize,
    May your Thanksgiving dinner
    Stay off of your thighs!
     
     
    Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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    11.22.2005

    [ funny jokes ] Joke of the day :))



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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

    "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

    The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

    "I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."



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    [ funny jokes ] The Turkey...



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    The turkey shot out of the oven
    and rocketed into the air,
    it knocked every plate off the table
    and partly demolished a chair.

    It ricocheted into a corner and
    burst with a deafening boom,
    then splattered all over the kitchen,
    completely obscuring the room.

    It stuck to the walls and the windows,
    it totally coated the floor,
    there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
    where there'd never been turkey before.

    It blanketed every appliance,
    it smeared every saucer and bowl,
    there wasn't a way I could stop it,
    that turkey was out of control.

    I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
    and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
    that I'd never again stuff a turkey
    with popcorn that hadn't been popped!
    Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
    For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
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