Funny Jokes

12.17.2005

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12.15.2005

[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - Oxymoron

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Funny Jokes - Oxymoron

Oxymoron Definition: A rhetorical figure of speech in which
incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.

EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron": Removing the Ten Commandments from the
courthouse while making someone swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand
is on the Bible.

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[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - Long ago in California.

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Funny Jokes - Long ago in California...

Do you know what happened in California back in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today only the women had
real breasts

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[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - Older Couple

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Funny Jokes - Older Couple

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened
from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think
you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts".

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12.12.2005

[ funny jokes ] Office Christmas Party

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Office Christmas Party

December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.

We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often
coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

----------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

----------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

----------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just
sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But,
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

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