Funny Jokes

12.23.2005

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[ funny jokes ] Forthe Moms



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Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free
time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car
with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays
only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up
without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
be heard only by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It
comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to
crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.

If you don't mind, I could also you
can keep my children young...
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Spiritual Retreat http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/
The Truth Project  www.thetruthproject.org
My Blog Spot:  http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/


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12.22.2005

[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - Pearly Gates access?



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Funny Jokes - Pearly Gates access?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he
said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter
said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Merry Christmas to all...Jesus is the reason for the season!
 
 
 

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12.20.2005

[ funny jokes ] Who me?



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Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."
 
 
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Spiritual Retreat http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/
The Truth Project  www.thetruthproject.org
My Blog Spot:  http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

12.19.2005

[ funny jokes ] Last minute gifts for the automotive minded

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If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a virtual visit go to http://www.lifestorywriting.net/
Join the fun at http://groups.msn.com/LifeStoryWriting
For Quiet Moments http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb.shtml
Seeking? http://www.reasons4faith.org/
Spiritual Retreat http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritual-retreat/
The Truth Project www.thetruthproject.org
My Blog Spot: http://cardiffstorylady.blogspot.com/

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12.18.2005

[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - Florida Poker Game

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Funny Jokes - Florida Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse,
when Ben Meierwitz lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his
chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their
fallen comrade, the other three continued playing standing up.

Art Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his
wife?"

They drew straws and Sam Goldberg picked the short one. The others
told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation
any worse.

"Discreet? Sam replied. "I'm the most discreet person you'll ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!"

So Sam went over to Ben's apartment, and knocked on the door. Ben's
wife answered and asked what he wanted.

Sam replied: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and he's
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" his wife said.

"I'll go tell him," said Sam.

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Funny Jokes - Modern Knowledge

Funny Jokes - Modern Knowledge

A man took his wife camping for the first time.

At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods.

He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led her right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," she said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied.

"In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."

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[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - On the Way to the Cemetery

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Funny Jokes - On the Way to the Cemetery

Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their
longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much
wealth.

On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much
did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

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[ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes - BEAR HUNTING

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Funny Jokes - BEAR HUNTING

After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety-year-old man told
his doctor that they were expecting a child.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "There was an absent-
minded fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun,
brought his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged
him. He aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the
spot."

"That's impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have
shot that bear!"

"Exactly!" replied the doctor.

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Funny Jokes - HURRICANE JOKES - Hurricane Tips

Funny Jokes - HURRICANE JOKES - Hurricane Tips

HURRICANE TIPS:

Things to remember about hurricanes:

The best way to survive a hurricane is to plan ahead. When it hits, plan to have your head somewhere else.

Remember, it is usually much more difficult to buy flood insurance during a hurricane.

A hurricane watch means there is a threat of hurricane conditions within 24 to 36 hours. So there is still plenty of time to board up the windows and find your swim fins.

A hurricane warning means, if you hang around, within 24 hours you will have a very bad hair day and a dishpan body.

The good thing about hurricanes is that in the eye of the storm, nobody pays that much attention to your makeup.

Remember to keep fresh batteries in your radio. Though during an actual hurricane, Howard Stern may not be that funny.

You know it's time to evacuate when you notice lawn furniture in the trees.

Be sure to store drinking water in a clean bath tub. To take a bath, just step outside naked for seven seconds.

Always keep a flashlight handy. Nobody wants to drown in the dark.

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