NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

FORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BY MARCH 1
Michael Brown Apologizes For Delay

Former Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown said today
that he had not yet made his New Year's resolutions for 2006 but vowed to
have them done by March 1 "at the very latest."

Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that was
originally called for ten o'clock this morning but was not actually held
until four in the afternoon.

The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year's
resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been "caught unawares" by
the change in years.

"I turned on the TV and saw that ball dropping, and I was like, holy cow, I
better get on this," Mr. Brown said.

Despite his delay in making his resolutions, Mr. Brown said he expects 2006
to be a big year for him and his new disaster preparedness consulting firm,
adding, "By the end of 2006, the name Michael Brown will be synonymous with
disaster."

At the White House, President Bush briefly commented on Mr. Brown's delay in
making his New Year's resolutions, telling reporters, "I'm sure that
whenever Brownie eventually makes them he'll do a heckuva job."

For his part, Mr. Brown gave reporters a sneak peek at his list of
resolutions, saying that number one on the list would be "Get things done
sooner" and that number two was "Remember to buy more Post-its."

Elsewhere, legal experts called the trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam
Hussein "the trial of the century," explaining that it would take at least
that long to complete.

© Andy Borowitz
borowitzreport.com